Am I doing the right thing?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I posted on here a couple of months ago. Brief summary: met guy over the summer in a sports club, felt mutual attraction for sure, nothing ever happened during that season. Then I randomly met him on a night out in October. Chatted plenty. Ended up back at his, couple of his friends came back too, guitar was out etc etc. he was really shy, and backward about coming forward, I'm fairly shy too. So I stayed over, kissed only (nothing more!). It was lovely, all good. Next morning was a disaster, he was stone cold, really distant etc. I withdrew completely because of this. I thought he was having big regrets etc. So he dropped me home, said he had good time, asked if I was on facebook. I thought this was the brush off.

So, I was disappointed, never really told any of my firends (normally us ladies tell all!). I thought I needed to wipe it from my memory and leave it at that. When I posted this on here, I was give a few differing opinions: 1 He's just not that into me contrasted with #2, he was clearly extremely shy and to give him a chance. Then I was home about 3 weeks ago for my birthday and ended up running the entire story by my friends. They all sat there smiling, one of my friend’s words were "oh if I was over there, I'd bash your heads together!". They all thought he was just pure nervous/shy etc. I put it to them that if a guy likes a girl enough though, he will throw caution to the wind, and go for it. the fact that my man held back mean't 'he just wasn't that interested in me'. One of my friends said she had a similar experience with her current boyf, ie. he was a disaster at the start, sending mixed signals, and even told her later on that he was scared to even phone her. I've met this guy and he is the most outgoing confident lad you could meet. I was surprised. So, upshot of our discussion was that I should contact him and that I had nothing to lose really.

So, i did. I messaged him to see if he would be interested in meeting for a drink. He said yes, and suggested the following Friday. All good. Met him, started off really well. Our date was then gatecrashed by his friend and his girlf, it was co-incidental. It was OK though, we all got on great and had a laugh. Myself and my man seems to get on well too, and whenever there was eye contact there was good feeling. I could tell he was keen. So, at end of the night it got a little tense on the street. I said I had a good night and went to give him a peck. Then it turned into a snog. I asked him gently “what happened us the last time?”. He went silent, then asked what I thought. I said, I really don’t know. Then he hesitated, then said that he was shy. He seems sensitive/embarrassed. Ended up back at his, all good, just kissed though. Next day was a quite awkward but nothing as bad as the last time. He dropped me back, asked me to go to cinema. Fine.

Then, nothing, he postponed the first week due to work. No probs there. Then rescheduled for last Sunday. That got postponed due to weather. I know the weather was awful. He said he’d be in touch. Then nothing. I was disappointed with that, due to the big effort I had already made. It’s a small enough town I live in, and he knows some of my work colleages, plenty of links. I got teased at work about my date. One of the girls husbands works with my man in a different company. She said when she told her husband the gossip one evening during the week he said “oh, that’s funny, cos some of the people in the office were saying how X was in really good form this past couple of weeks”.

Anyway……So I was out for my work Xmas party on Friday, and saw into him in the pub. He was sitting in the back of a seat so we didn’t stop, it all happened so fast anyway. So at the club I saw him, he was really weird with me at first, like he didn’t even want to talk to me. I thought to myself, I need to know the score even if it’s bad news for me. If he’s not interested that I’d prefer know and move on. I don’t think that too much to ask. Mature is it not!?
We went outside to talk. To try to cut a long story short he said he’s not sure, cos of how awkward it all is, and how it was on those 2 mornings after, and that because neither of us were all that experienced. (true for me, and I got distinct impression all along that he’s never been in long-termer. I’m 29, he’s 28). I said that I got the feeling that his heart isn’t in it, and that’s why he didn’t’ follow through with the cinema thing etc, and if he’s not all that interested then he should just say and not hold back out of politeness. He shook his head when I pressed him on the heart not being in it, he kept saying I’m a lovely girl, and that he is interested. On those awkward mornings, he gets it hard to look my in the eye, and keeps his distance physically. I actually think the nerves are far worse on his part. I’m not very confident but I certainly am getting there!! He also said that when he first saw me walk into the pub earlier in the night, he got really nervous. I told him that nerves can be overcome and that’s it the same for any person when they first meet someone. (although I do believe that we are an exceptionally bad case of nerves, shyness!!!). I also told him that me staying over at his those times was not the best idea, although it was always nice at the time. (after the last time I remember thinking that to myself the next day). I told him we’d need to meet up when we're sober and hang out in order to overcome shyness. Having a few drinks is alright when you’re out, but can’t rely on drink to become more confident. He also said he wants and is planning on going travelling next summer and he has applied for leave at work. In order words, no point in starting something now. I told him travelling is high on my agenda too which it is. I was also telling him I ‘m not planning marriage, but that I feel like there is definite potential and is worth giving it a shot, he nodded to that. I told him that if it doesn’t work out, nobody is going to die, and that it might be worth taking the risk. And that the travelling might never be an issue, cos me and him might not even make it till next summer, but unless we try then we’ll never know. It’s kinda funny, I was like his therapist, I told him that I was hell bent on going travelling. (For a long time I thought I’d never meet anyone, never meet anyone in this town, and that the sooner I went travelling, the sooner life will become great. I don’t believe that now, I spent too long not living for today and not putting myself out there, that I wasn’t not getting as much out of life, and that what was making me miserable. My lack of relationship experience, I now know, was due to really bad confidence issues, and me not putting myself out there. I’m willing to rectify this now). I’m pretty perceptive, and I really feel like he is the same in that he’s not willing to take risks (never put himself out there properly, hence, shyness and holding back), and he is not willing to live for today and take these risks. So, he told me in the end, that he’d like to give it a shot, and see what happens. He stayed at mine, we were both a bit drunk. Anyway, next morning, the usual awkwardness, but again not as bad as last time. He really isn’t good with eye contact, or leaning over for a kiss of whatever, even though there is not problem with the touching kissing the night before.
I suggested he come over to watch a DVD last night, he seemed happy with that, (he had originally planned on going out with a couple of friends).
All day yesterday, I was having mixed feelings:
The awkward is seriously taking away from the excitement of it all… and when I was waiting for him to come by, I was getting stressed, because I’m so aware of how we both need to relax, and try out best to break the ice properly and try to laugh. I kept trying to think of what to chat about etc. Anwyay, he came , it went ok, he left by 12ish, and suggested cinema this week. We were still out useless shy selves, but I guess we’re going through the “lets just try” phase…

I know my post is far from a dilemma, I know people might roll their eyes reading this. Sorry that it’s so boring. Please go easy on me. I’ve said I’m 29, no real experience, and I hope I’m not accused of being really naïve. I would like to think I’m getting there, it’s not too late. That’s what I’m going along with this guy. He is lovely, whenever his name came up at work, I get the “..oh, X is lovely!!” We do click really well and there is potential, but it’s the stubborn thick ice that is still not properly broken. I honestly think if we could fast forward a couple of months,and batter the shyness down, there is buckets of potential and we could get on brilliantly!!!

Thank you very much for reading such a long post!


So, what do people think...? Am I flogging a dead horse? Should it be a lot easier and more straightforward? Should I drop it now, seeing as I'm not feeling the excitement as much? Is it a case that he is just not that into me?

I am a friend

He knows you are interested and its up to him now. Dont make any more contact with him cos if he is interested he will organise that date. If not, he wont.