Bit of a serious problem here...

LegacyUser

Right let me start off by saying Im a gay 19 year old guy, not out to many and certainly not to family.

On a gay chatroom I got talking to this guy, he was very pleasant to talk to and dare i say it he was very good looking. Unfortunately he is 25. I ignored this however and kept talking to him. After a little while on msn he asked for my number, I was hesitant but he seemed really pleasant so I gave it to him.

This is where things go soap opera. He texts me sayin he has a job for me. He wants to pay me to strip on webcam for him. I was startled so just said I had to go. However over the next few days he persisted on texting and ringing me. I ignored these and eventually I texted saying no.

Now he's saying he's mad that I ignored him. He found me on facebook and told me if I dont give him what he wants he's gonna out me on it and put my number and pictures on as proof. I have family on facebook.

To say this is twisted is an understatement. I can't take legal action since I'm not out. What can I do?

kjl

guy in serious problem wrote: »

Right let me start off by saying Im a gay 19 year old guy, not out to many and certainly not to family.

On a gay chatroom I got talking to this guy, he was very pleasant to talk to and dare i say it he was very good looking. Unfortunately he is 25. I ignored this however and kept talking to him. After a little while on msn he asked for my number, I was hesitant but he seemed really pleasant so I gave it to him.

This is where things go soap opera. He texts me sayin he has a job for me. He wants to pay me to strip on webcam for him. I was startled so just said I had to go. However over the next few days he persisted on texting and ringing me. I ignored these and eventually I texted saying no.

Now he's saying he's mad that I ignored him. He found me on facebook and told me if I dont give him what he wants he's gonna out me on it and put my number and pictures on as proof. I have family on facebook.

To say this is twisted is an understatement. I can't take legal action since I'm not out. What can I do?

Well, if I was you I would suspend your facebook account for a few days, then ring him up and tell him where to go. Don't worry about this, he is just some slimy pervert who wants to see you get naked. He will forget about you in a few days. If he doesn't stop, just go to a police station and report him. You don't have to out yourself in the process.

Fittle

Firstly, what pictures has he got of you? From your post, it doesn't seem as if he has any Did you actually even meet him - is he definitely 25 and who he says he is, (in the pics)?

Secondly, he is blackmailing you. Blackmail is a criminal offence and the guards take it very seriously, so going to the guards is an option.

Block him on facebook - I wouldn't go so far as to suspend your account - once you block him, he can't out you on your own page. Also block him on your phone - some phones give you an option to block numbers, alternatively, ring your service provider and they'll block his number for you.

My last comment is perhaps this is the time for you to seriously think about coming out? There's is no point in living a lie, and while your sexuality is really nobody's business, sometimes things happen for a reason. So don't come out because this moron is threatening to out you, but you are who you are OP, and a life lived in fear of being 'outed', is a life half-lived.
Best of luck anyway.

kjl

Even if the op does block him, he can still send messages to his friends list.

cafecolour

Wow, what an a**hole. I wouldn't even trust that he's 25 or 'good-looking' (ie the pictures are likely not even him).

First, do you have evidence (ie in writing or texts) of his threats? If so, that would constitute 'blackmail', which I'm pretty sure is illegal in Ireland. You can go straight guards and try and get in prosecuted - yes, it may end up outing you, but it might be time to have that conversation.

Or you can simply tell him to never contact you again. Tell him if he goes through with his threat, you will go to the guards with blackmail charges. At that point, the cat will already be out of the bag.

Honestly, I highly doubt he will actually contact people on facebook, he's just trying to get what he wants.

And in the future, of course, be careful about people online. Most people are grand, but I generally like to meet sooner than later (in a public place - for coffee or something), so you weed out the game players. And while not all older guys are sleazy, the ones that tend to go for the especially young (ie 17-20), are often more predatory and controlling in their tactics.

tenchi-fan

I agree with other posters. He's not 25 and he gave you a fake pic.

Go into your fb page and change the privacy settings so your updates can only be viewed by friends only (not friends of friends) and that your friends list can only be viewed by friends only. If you know his email address or name you can ad him to your blocked list also.

Tell him you keep printouts of his emails and copies of his texts and if he contacts you again for any reason you will go to the gardai. Then don't reply to any more of his texts and follow through on your threat if he follows through on his.

Steer clear of internet chatrooms in future. It might be worth "coming out" and visiting a LGB group for young people.

scarymoon1

that happened me once - a guy said he's put my mobile and pic on the net if i didnt answer his calls, it totally freaked me out. I eventually had to answer his calls and once I answered the once he seemed happy and left me alone. But in this case op just ignore him and id say he is just bluffing. Ignore him.

Elbi

kjl wrote: »

Even if the op does block him, he can still send messages to his friends list.

No there is a way to block people on facebook so its like you are not even on it, nothing can be seen not his friend list or anything and if he tried to look for op through friends he wouldnt be able to see him either it would be as if op wasnt on his friends list either (if that makes sense)

curlzy

Hey OP,

He's banking on you being scared. You need to realise that he can't hurt you, block him on Facebook, change your privacy settings as others have advised and call into your garda station and have a chat about your rights, tell them he is blackmailing you and they will outline what you can do etc. I'd say if he contacts you just quote "Under the non-fatal offences act, 2007, I am going to have you charged with blackmail, if you contact me again I am going to the gardaí", now I just made the underlined part up but the gardai can tell you exactly what he can be charged with, once you know your rights you'll take away your fear and therefore his power because in all honesty that's all he has on you at the moment. Don't be pushed into coming out before you're ready either, do what you want. You have a right to your privacy and piece of mind so I really strongly urge you to call into the gardai or contact a gay support group who can advise you.

Best of luck.

astra2000

Hi op, this guy is trying to intimidate you, and he thinks he can get away with it because you are young, DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIS THREATS. Look I know its easy for me to say but if the worse that he can do is out you to family and friends and show them some texts then you will cope with that, it would be much worse if out of fear you gave into his demands and that was hanging over you forever.
Change your number I know its hassle but at least he will never be able to get in contact with you again. Block him from finding you on facebook but also just in case he sets up an account in a different name, edit your name ie change spelling, use a nickname or hide your visability to everyone on fb except friends.
I would imagine he will get bored and give up after a few days.
Consider confiding in a family member you are close to if possibleyou have nothing to be ashamed of.

LegacyUser

Just want to say thank you to everyone, you really calmed me down

I changed my privacy settings, blocked him etc. He texted me Sunday morning "you want to keep this private?". I didn't reply. Later that night I got two calls from a private number but never answered.

I hate that he has this control. I dread every time I get a text thinking it might be him. I told him he was blatantly blackmailing me on msn and blocked him before he answered.

I seriously doubt he's telling the truth if he can be this perverse. I feel sick thinking about it.

If he contacts me Im just going to tell him I'm contacting the guards. I'm out to friends but don't want my family thinking I was talking to some pervert.

Thanks everyone I'll keep ye posted.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
sorry that this has happened, I chat to guys online and all have been fairly sound so I think you were just unlucky that you stumbled across a freak.
Do as others suggest and block him as much as you can, hopefully he'll get bored. Also there is a gay liason officer based in Dublin and you could contact him if you felt uncomfortable calling into a regular cop shop.
He'll move on eventually and I cannot believe that this guy is sucha freak. He obviously preys on guys who are not fully out yet.
good luck

tinkerbell

OP - simple solution. Change your phone number. Keep your fb settings to private.

rainbow kirby

Also, don't forget that the LGBT forum on here also has anonymous posting if you need to talk about anything.

deereidy

OP, get a new number so that you can just forget about him, keep your facebook as private as possible and don't accept freind requests from anyone you haven't met in person. What a slimy bastard

Rebelheart

guy in serious problem wrote: »

Just want to say thank you to everyone, you really calmed me down

I changed my privacy settings, blocked him etc. He texted me Sunday morning "you want to keep this private?". I didn't reply. Later that night I got two calls from a private number but never answered.

I hate that he has this control. I dread every time I get a text thinking it might be him. I told him he was blatantly blackmailing me on msn and blocked him before he answered.

I seriously doubt he's telling the truth if he can be this perverse. I feel sick thinking about it.

If he contacts me Im just going to tell him I'm contacting the guards. I'm out to friends but don't want my family thinking I was talking to some pervert.

Thanks everyone I'll keep ye posted.

I'd definitely be heading down to a Garda station at this point. It would give me immense pleasure to out this toe-rag.
What a lesson he'll learn! You actually have a lot more control in this than you think, providing you have evidence that he is blackmailing you. If you have that evidence, end your worries and pay a visit to your friendly garda (in a station away from your home if you prefer) now.

tenchi-fan

Rebelheart wrote: »

I'd definitely be heading down to a Garda station at this point. It would give me immense pleasure to out this toe-rag.
What a lesson he'll learn! You actually have a lot more control in this than you think, providing you have evidence that he is blackmailing you. If you have that evidence, end your worries and pay a visit to your friendly garda (in a station away from your home if you prefer) now.

If you ever dealt with the guards you would know this is terrible advice as well as an awful waste of time.

No harm has been done and if the op ignores the guy COMPLETELY the guy's blackmail attempt will not be successful

Taltos

OP - I would also go to a garda station with the information you have.

You can bet that if he has tried this with you he has tried it with others.
In terms of outing yourself - take your time and get the support you need if that is what you want to do. However if it happens it happens.

In terms of hating him have this control - that is an illusion - right now you have the control - you can choose to go to the gardai and "out" him - you can also choose to let your family and friends know the real you. He is a bully plain and simple - although he is a particularly twisted and sick on - and the only control he has is that you allow him to have.

Best of luck.

Mark27

OP forget about going to the guards, you obviously dont want too many people knowning you are gay and he is more than likely using an unregistered sim card anyway.
Instead just lie about it! If any pictures do end up coming out just tell people you were talking to a girl on the internet the last couple of nights, but instead she turned out to be a guy posing as a girl. Even tell a couple of people now that you are chatting to a chick on the internet. Bit embarrassing maybe, but a LOT better than everyone finding out that you are gay!!

OP are you comfortable with your sexuality? If so, admit it. There's no point in hiding it.

How do you think your family would react?

Fittle

Mark27 wrote: »

Even tell a couple of people now that you are chatting to a chick on the internet. Bit embarrassing maybe, but a LOT better than everyone finding out that you are gay!!

What a ridiculous statement to make? It's better for people to think a woman is blackmailing him than for everyone to find out that he's gay? So being blackmailed is 'better' than people finding out you're gay He's already said his mates know he's gay, and there is no need for any more lies.

It appears this fella might have backed off from what the OP is saying in his last post - let's hope he has.

CdeC

Mark27 wrote: »

Even tell a couple of people now that you are chatting to a chick on the internet. Bit embarrassing maybe, but a LOT better than everyone finding out that you are gay!!

Nothing wrong with being gay mate, have a quick think about that before you give unhelpful advice.

OP please don't listen to advice like this. I'm sure he nothing will come of it and I know how it feels. You want to control who knows and who deosn't and when someone takes that power away from you it can be quite scary. Just ignore that guy and move on and hopefullly he will to.

rainbow kirby

Mark27 wrote: »

Even tell a couple of people now that you are chatting to a chick on the internet. Bit embarrassing maybe, but a LOT better than everyone finding out that you are gay!!

Being gay isn't the end of the world. Why should the OP have to lie?

Knasher

I agree with the rest that it is best just to ignore him.

Just wanted to add, if he persists in calling and texting you, that most mobiles have blacklists and you should consider using yours. Obviously he can just use somebody else's mobile, but at least your will be making it more difficult for him to harass you.

Additionally if your mobile has a whitelist you should be able to use that to block all contact except from those you have in your address book. A temporary measure but I'd imagine he would get bored after a while and leave you alone.

Finally remember that if he actually follows through on his treat he is also opening himself up to liability. If he is any bit intelligent he will know this and not be able to do anything, chances are he was just hoping you would be an easy mark.

Mark27

I never said there was anything wrong with being gay did i? (Im straight btw) But if i was gay and didnt want everyone finding out that i was, such as is the OP's circumstances, i would pretty much do anything to prevent the knowledge getting out. What do you think is a better situation, people who are'nt gay friendly thinking you are gay and fancy other men, or people thinking that you made a bit of an eedjit of yourself on the internet off someone you thought was a girl?

I know which one id go for. Obviously that doesnt make much sense to gay guys who have already came out!!