Question?

Johro

I'd like to get some opinions on something that's bothering me..
I have my ex-girlfriends daughter staying with me some weekends, and some holidays. Now I've got to clarify she's not mine, as in I'm not her biological dad, but I feel like I am and so does she.
My ex and me broke up a few years ago, but we were together nearly six years, when we met, her little girl was just two and her dad had upped and went a year before.
My problem is that my now girlfriend (we've not been going out that long yet) can't or won't understand why I still want contact with a child which, as she keeps pointing out , is not mine.
I don't understand why she doesn't get that I feel like a dad to her. I mean, her mam had a bit of a sh1t life and has a drink problem because of it, so for years I looked after her little girl and did pretty much everything like getting her up for school (she'd be like an angry bear in the morning, right cranky, but once she was sorted and ready she'd be chatting and laughing on the way to school, it was just the getting ready part, hair brushing, getting the school bits together) and making her lunches, picking her up, , going to her sports days and feckin brownie meetings:rolleyes:, bathing and dressing her and reading her bedtime stories, the lot.. My point is I love her to bits.
I thought maybe my gf is feeling jealous of the ex, but I only talk to her on the phone really to sort out times and stuff when I'm minding her and okay, I might ask 'how's things' and 'everything okay with you' but that's it.
Now it seems my gf is giving me a bit of an ultimatum. Make a clean break she says, which would mean not having her stay over again.
I can't do that..
Am I being unreasonable?? Coz I don't think so...

tudlytops

Well done, many would have just left, even if they were blood related.

No you not being unreasonable and if i was given that choice i would tell my "girlfriend" where to go.

She is jealous, nothing else.

My ex-husband and i were in the some situation and to my daughter he is her dad and that is it, some people don't see blood lines as the only way to be family, if that makes sense.

Your daughter is part of your life and you need to find someone that will accept that and take your daughter for what she is and build a relationship with the two of you.

There is plenty of fish in the see...don't let anyone make you chose anything over your daughter, blood line or no blood line.

Sardonicat

No, your not being unreasonable, at all. If your current gf can't understand how devestating to an 8 yo loosing the man she regards as her father would be she's not mature enought to have a relationship.

Johro

Thanks.. So it isn't me. I really don't get why the gf doesn't understand that just because I'm not the biological dad I do really love her and feel like her dad. You can't spend years of your life with a person and not have a bond. Yeah yiz are right.
I guess I'll just have to tell the gf that if she can't handle it go and look for someone else..

Soul Stretcher

In my humble opinion, Sir, you are a Hero.

For forming such a close bond with and caring so much for someone who isn't a biological child of yours..... I don't know.. you have a heart of Gold... thank God.. that girl has you in her life.

Yes... your gf IS being unreasonable.

chucken1

Johro wrote: »

Thanks.. So it isn't me. I really don't get why the gf doesn't understand that just because I'm not the biological dad I do really love her and feel like her dad. You can't spend years of your life with a person and not have a bond. Yeah yiz are right.
I guess I'll just have to tell the gf that if she can't handle it go and look for someone else..

You sound like a lovely dad.

I dont understand how the gf can ask you to choose!

She sounds very immature.

Happyman42

One of the things my wife says to me is that I was stubborn about who I owed allegiance to...one of those being somebody she was (despite herself) jealous of. She says that that makes her respect me. If your gf can't handle your love of a child...the last person that should suffer for that is the child imo. A relationship should never be about compromising the things you are good at.

Neadine

Well done you, what you are doing is admirable. We don't get to pick our parents, but that little girl is really lucky to have you as a DAD, and you are her dad, being there during conception does not make someone of Dad, or a Mum!

I think your g/f is being totally unreasonable. She is your daughter, ok you don't share DNA, but that's just... technicalities. Asking you to cut that little girl out of your life is incredibly cruel, insensitive and cold.

I've had a relationship with a man who had kids, and yes on occasion I was a little peeved because our plans had to be changed or cancelled because something came up with one of the kids. Even though it bothered me at times, and that was just me being selfish, I also realised that if he was the type of man who didn't see his kids as a priority then he wouldn't be someone I would have wanted to be with.

Happyman42

Neadine wrote: »

I also realised that if he was the type of man who didn't see his kids as a priority then he wouldn't be someone I would have wanted to be with.

The conundrum dealt with in a nutshell....respect Neadine!

Neadine

Happyman42 wrote: »

The conundrum dealt with in a nutshell....respect Neadine!

It's a realisation that only develops as the relationship does. See him with his kids and talking about them made me realise that if he and I had kids he would always be there for them, regardless what was going on with him and me.

Initially it was difficult to accept that I didn't come first, but he's an amazing dad with really great kids and I was happy to come second to them, it was difficult at times, but...

OP, I really can't get my head around your g/f even assuming that shutting your daughter out of your life could be an option, ever.

mariebeth

Your girlfriend doesn't realise what a gem she has in you. You're a great guy, who's caring & responsible & isn't going to drop a little girl just because she's not technically your daughter. She is your daughter in every way that counts, and your girlfriend should be greatful that she's found such a great, caring guy because there's not enough of ye around.

Any person who gives you an ultimatum over anything isn't worth the time or effort, and this girlfriend, while you care for her, she's not going to change & suddenly get over her issues. There's plenty more girls out there who would appreciate & respect a guy as caring as you.

Gillo

mariebeth wrote: »

Any person who gives you an ultimatum over anything isn't worth the time or effort, and this girlfriend, while you care for her, she's not going to change & suddenly get over her issues. There's plenty more girls out there who would appreciate & respect a guy as caring as you.

And if she gets her way with this one, then whats the next ultimatum. TBH she's sounds jealous enough and pretty immature about the whole thing, so she's more than likely not the sort of person you want to have a relationship with.

Fair play to you OP for taking on the responsibility and sticking with it, pity there weren't more decent guys out there (speaking as a guy myself). You're a lucky guy to be able to keep in touch, I was in a relationship myself last year with a single mum, and got on great with and loved her daughter too, even after we'd broke up I'd have loved to have still seen the daughter from time to time.

Ickle Magoo

Moved to Relationship Issues & posts that didn't contain advice for the OP deleted.

Best of luck OP.

Katgurl

Get rid of that girlfriend, what is wrong with her? She is asking you to disappear as a father from a little girls life and most likely crush her - and all because she can't or won't understand the bond that exists between you. And what a thing to put yourself through, it would be devastating, make you miserable I'm sure.

She sounds like a selfish immature brat and she doesn't deserve you.

LegacyUser

have you considered adopting her?

It seems that in all respects, both in terms of the commitment you've given and in how you feel she is your daughter as much as if she were your biological child. Adoption might give you legal security in the future and rights, just a thing to think about.

Also, draw that parallel with your girlfriend, ask her would she still want you to drop the child if she was your adopted daughter? Once she realises maybe how serious the little girl is to you, maybe by giving it another label instead of 'my ex's kid', she'll realise how stupid and selfish her demands are.

RhubarbCrumble

You're not being unreasonable at all OP. The fact that your daughter isn't yours biologically means nothing. You're raised her and you love her and you're her Dad. I have 7 nieces and nephews. The eldest one is 17, and biologically is no relation to me (she's my brother in laws partners daughter from a previous marriage) but I would never differentiate between her and the other 6. As far as I'm concerned she's my niece just as much as the rest of them, and to her I'm her aunt.

I hope that your girlfriend can come to understand this, and that you can sort the situation out. You sound like a great dad. She's a lucky little girl

miec

Now it seems my gf is giving me a bit of an ultimatum. Make a clean break she says, which would mean not having her stay over again.
I can't do that..
Am I being unreasonable?? Coz I don't think so...

Categorically no. I felt very angry towards your girlfriend, she is not considering the impact that this would have on the little girl. To be honest you are a brilliant man, loving a child because you love the child irrespective of blood ties. I deeply admire you and if I met a guy like you, I would be thanking my lucky stars. This problem is your girlfriends problem, she can either embrace the relationship you have with your daughter (I say that because that is what it is) or she can walk away. You are doing the right thing Op, it is hard but stick to it. You are showing a little girl that there are caring loving dads out there, it is essential to a child's well being.

Fluorescence

guest252 wrote: »

have you considered adopting her?

It seems that in all respects, both in terms of the commitment you've given and in how you feel she is your daughter as much as if she were your biological child. Adoption might give you legal security in the future and rights, just a thing to think about.

Also, draw that parallel with your girlfriend, ask her would she still want you to drop the child if she was your adopted daughter? Once she realises maybe how serious the little girl is to you, maybe by giving it another label instead of 'my ex's kid', she'll realise how stupid and selfish her demands are.

This. Worth looking into at the least!

Johro

Neadine wrote: »

It's a realisation that only develops as the relationship does. See him with his kids and talking about them made me realise that if he and I had kids he would always be there for them, regardless what was going on with him and me.

Initially it was difficult to accept that I didn't come first, but he's an amazing dad with really great kids and I was happy to come second to them, it was difficult at times, but...

OP, I really can't get my head around your g/f even assuming that shutting your daughter out of your life could be an option, ever.

It isn't an option. It never was.
I kind of wanted to see if there were other women out there who might feel the same in that situation, but I didn't really think so and all the replies I got so far show that.
I think her main problem is that she figures that as long as I have my daughter in my life I would also have a relationship with her mother. Which is true, to some extent. I mean, just because things ultimately didn't work out for us doesn't mean I stopped caring. I do like to know she's okay, and if she needed help I'd be there. But all the same, we separated and that's how it's going to stay.
To be fair, when I had my daughter staying over my she and my gf got on really well, they played games and stuff and generally had a good time and a laugh, and she genuinely seemed to like her. Which is why this kinda came out of the blue for me and shocked me a bit. It's got to be jealousy.
But cutting my little girl out of my life was never ever going to happen, my proudest moment of my life is when she all of a sudden started calling me 'daddy' , nothing ever surpassed that and I don't think anything ever will.
It's amazing to see what a difference you can make in a child's life, like when I used to read her stories, I ran my finger underneath the words I was reading so she could sort of follow the words if you know what I mean, and after a while she started reading a bit herself and then if we read a story we'd do a page each, she'd say 'my turn now' and read herself, and because of it she started doing so much better at school with her spelling and general knowledge of words you know?
I love that. Having made a difference in her life. Making her laugh. She had a rotten start. I know coz my dad disappeared when I was about three. I'm sure not going to stop now.

By the way I told my gf today to like it or lump it, more or less, she said she'd have to think about it. That got me mad, so I said don't bother.

Also, if I was in a new relationship with someone, as long as she was okay with me having my daughter around sometimes, 'coming second to her' wouldn't really apply, and it shouldn't. It's just a different kind of love.

Johro

guest252 wrote: »

have you considered adopting her?

It seems that in all respects, both in terms of the commitment you've given and in how you feel she is your daughter as much as if she were your biological child. Adoption might give you legal security in the future and rights, just a thing to think about.

Back when she was about five years old her mother was in a bad way and needed rehab and she signed a paper that made me her joint legal guardian, so I could look after her if anything ever happened to her mam.

Sardonicat

Johro wrote: »

Back when she was about five years old her mother was in a bad way and needed rehab and she signed a paper that made me her joint legal guardian, so I could look after her if anything ever happened to her mam.

This makes your current gf's attitude all the more dispicable. She's a lot of growing up to do. Hope she does it on another man's time. Any woman worth her salt would be delighted to be in a relationship with a guy like you.

diverdad

Any a$$hole can father a child. It takes a lot, lot more to be a Dad. There isn't anything in the world as good as a love for a child.

Your gf actually sounds alright (got along with the girl and played and talked to her) but she may feel on shakey ground regarding the mother and how things would develope if things were to progress along with yourself. The ultimatum may have been her way of gauging your commitment to the child and/or mother and finding out how serious your are towards her etc. In short perhaps a little jealous but its all new to her too.

Keep on being the best kind of Dad you can. You could explain that you are the legal guardian and obliged to be there for the child.

Good Luck. My hat is off to you Sir.

LegacyUser

Johro wrote: »

Back when she was about five years old her mother was in a bad way and needed rehab and she signed a paper that made me her joint legal guardian, so I could look after her if anything ever happened to her mam.

I was going to urge you to consider trying to adopt her too, as some previous posters suggested... it would be devastating to both of you if her mother got into a relationship with someone who pulled the same ultimatum stuff on her as your GF has done, because of jealousy.

And I just want to say thank you for restoring my faith in humanity just a little... my child's 'father' bailed early on and my child never got over it. Your daughter is a very, very lucky little girl.

Johro

Gillo wrote: »

You're a lucky guy to be able to keep in touch, I was in a relationship myself last year with a single mum, and got on great with and loved her daughter too, even after we'd broke up I'd have loved to have still seen the daughter from time to time.

I can understand that.. It was awkward enough at the start, she was very bitter after we broke up and rang me all the time asking me to come over for really stupid things, (I'd moved into a flat not that far away) and if I refused or said I was busy with something she'd pull the emotional blackmail trick, like 'oh well in that case I'll tell her(her daughter) you're not bothered about us anymore. That was really hard,and I had to have a little chat with Boo (little one's nickname) to tell her I'd be there always, and not to mind what her mother was saying in that regard. But she knew that already really,coz she knows her mam.
We had it out in the end and I said look we can either fight and end up hating each other or be reasonable and be friends and I'll be there if you really need someone to talk to, but please please please don't drag Boo into it, it's not fair on her. Anyway, we sorted it out, and that's how things are now. But it took a while.

Johro

diverdad wrote: »

Any a$$hole can father a child. It takes a lot, lot more to be a Dad. There isn't anything in the world as good as a love for a child.

Your gf actually sounds alright (got along with the girl and played and talked to her) but she may feel on shakey ground regarding the mother and how things would develope if things were to progress along with yourself. The ultimatum may have been her way of gauging your commitment to the child and/or mother and finding out how serious your are towards her etc. In short perhaps a little jealous but its all new to her too.

Keep on being the best kind of Dad you can. You could explain that you are the legal guardian and obliged to be there for the child.

Good Luck. My hat is off to you Sir.

The thing is though, I explained my feelings about it all. I made it clear that me and the girls' mam are history as far as a relationship is concerned. She knows that. Then she said she'd have to think about it, and I just feel that she should be able to see it from the little girl's point of view you know? That's where she lost me I'm afraid.
I get jealousy. I've been jealous myself. It's not nice. I know jealousy stems from insecurity. She'll be better of with someone else coz that insecurity won't go away in a hurry.

Johro

unregisteredguestperson wrote: »

I was going to urge you to consider trying to adopt her too, as some previous posters suggested... it would be devastating to both of you if her mother got into a relationship with someone who pulled the same ultimatum stuff on her as your GF has done, because of jealousy.

And I just want to say thank you for restoring my faith in humanity just a little... my child's 'father' bailed early on and my child never got over it. Your daughter is a very, very lucky little girl.

Yeah thank you I did consider exactly that. I will.

tudlytops

guest252 wrote: »

have you considered adopting her?

It seems that in all respects, both in terms of the commitment you've given and in how you feel she is your daughter as much as if she were your biological child. Adoption might give you legal security in the future and rights, just a thing to think about.

Also, draw that parallel with your girlfriend, ask her would she still want you to drop the child if she was your adopted daughter? Once she realises maybe how serious the little girl is to you, maybe by giving it another label instead of 'my ex's kid', she'll realise how stupid and selfish her demands are.

Unless things have changed in the past 4 years, my ex-husband was only allowed to adopt my daughter after we got married...its stupid but that is how it was

CK2010

your daughter is a lucky girl.

i'm going to play devils advocate here and just mention that for some people without kids, biological or otherwise, its hard to understand the bond parents can have with their children (its kind of similar to how everyone else can find her singing unbearable but you think she has the voice of an angel! ). im not saying it is for all people without kids obviously, just some.

she just doesnt 'get' how special it is and without knowing your girl as well as you do she prob doesnt have a connection to her either; and then in this case its even further complicated by the fact that in her eyes the child is not 'yours'.

she may not be the cold so and so you think she is, she may just not 'get' the whole situation. im not saying that her behaviour is acceptable, just suggesting that she may just be confused or just cant comprehend it in her head. as amazing and all as it is for your little girl.

this probably isnt helped by the whole 'men dont want baggage/responsibility' stereotype, shes probably wondering why you'd want it when you have no obligation as such. to you your daughter is the little girl who makes your life whole but to your gf shes your ex's child that you have no obligation to look after and maybe shes wondering if there is another reason why you may want to maintain that link with your ex. Im not saying any of that is right, just maybe what shes feeling, whether its acceptable or not.

its entirely up to you but she may just need some time. if she doesnt come round its her loss.

metrovelvet

It is hard for people to understand why you would maintain a bond with a child that is not biologically yours. You are a former step parent and when that happens either side can pull the rug out, there are no obligations, legal or arguably moral either, so fair play to both you and the child's mother for helping this relationship continue.

Aside from that there is another issue that is worrying and that is your girlfriend is JUST a girlfriend. She is not family and she is not a wife and she has no business dictating to you about ANY relationship you have with anyone outside of cheating.

At the same time, she has to consider the future, as do you, as to what it entails if she settles with you, if she has children with you, etc and what that would mean for her,for future generations as well as extended family to have this ex step child in the picture.

She is not a parent, she is not a step parent, and perhaps has never been a step child either so this is beyond the scope of what her imagination can envision, particularly the potential heartbreak of the child.

sbsquarepants

I know which one i'd be choosing! When i split up with my ex 7 or 8 years ago i went to court to ensure i had visitation rights to 2 kids, one of which is not biologicaly mine. As far as i'm concerned she is my daughter and there is nobody is ever going to tell me different, i love her just as much as her brother who is biologicaly mine. It would be impossible for me to abandon her. My whole family see no difference between the two, it has never been an issue for me or for her. My current girlfriend and her get on great and always have done, so i've never been put in a position to have to choose, but quite frankly i would be so appalled and disgusted by a demand like that that it would be a complete deal breaker.
If your girlfriend can't understand and accept that this girl is your family then she is not worth being with, you know in your heart what the right thing to do is, don't let anyone sway you from doing it, your daughter will thank you for it!

Wompa1

In fairness to your girlfriend OP we are only hearing your side here. She must see something different that has ticked her off this way. If my girlfriend was still in touch with her ex after a bad breakup I would be asking questions too...you sound like you are in it for the right reasons but I can understand her being a bit insecure with the situation.

Do you include your girlfriend when you are spending time with the girl?

Corkblowin

Fair play OP - you have in effect adopted this girl, you may not be her father but you are her dad. I'm surprised at your GF, especially since they seem to get along - maybe I'm a softy but for a year I went out with a girl who had a son (3 when we hooked up) and got really attached to him. She initiated the break up and I still miss the little man every day. After 6 years the bond would have been very strong.

One thing that may be concerned your GF is where any child you have with her will fit in - that you already have your 'favourite'. I know it sounds stupid but it could be nagging at her that you already have a daughter. Have you discussed that?

Fittle

Firstly OP, if you're not married, will you marry me:p:p

Kidding, but like someone else said, you've restored my faith in humanity, and I can but admire you for being there for this little girl. She'll thank you for that, as time moves on, so well done you:)

Secondly, your gf obviously has no children herself?

See I kinda get where she's coming from (I'm a single mum myself, dad not involved, so I shouldn't really be on her side!) - I remember before I had my child and I was going out with a bloke who had a child....I honestly didn't appreciate the love you feel for your kids, or the love thats possible to feel for a child...yes, I have nephews and nieces etc, but until you're raising the child yourself, whether you're the biological parent or not, you just don't 'get' it.

So I can understand that your girlfriend feels that this is an unusual situation and for the life of her, can't figure out why you would want to still see this child. Let's be honest here - how many of us know ANYONE like the OP? A bloke who is not a biological dad, but who has continued to have an input in the childs life, despite splitting up with her mam??? Because I don't...and I don't know anyone who knows anyone.

Because yours is a pretty unique situation OP. So I can only imagine that when your gf opens up the conversation with her mates, none of them can fathom it either...I imagine all around are telling her that you must still be interested in the childs mother??

Anyway, Im not saying she's right (far from it), but what I am saying is that it must be almost impossible for her to understand where you're coming from - I guess she thought an ultimatum might just work. It appears that she's wrong.

In time, if she goes on to have a kid one day, she'll look back and admire you..as many people are doing here. For now, admiration is the last thing on her list....

Anyway OP, well done again..that little girl is so lucky to have you:), and you're lucky to have her;)

prinz

OP I can see this from your current gf's side too. As has been said maybe give her some time, and involve her in the visits of the little girl. It's a tough situation for you to be in and from what you have said it really comes down to a decision from your gf, it's you and the girl or it's neither. She has to accept that it's the whole package.

However, the girl has already been effectively abandoned by one man, to do so again could cause or exacerbate issues which could affect her during an entire lifetime, and you've been more of a father than anyone to her.

By the by I empathise with the situation you are in, and it's one of the most heart-rending and simultaneously heart-warming 'issues' I have come across on this forum. I wish you the best.

metrovelvet

I dont know about sharing the time with the girlfriend, maybe a little, but if you are effectively her father than she needs and deserves time with you exclusively. Your girlfriend is supposedly a grown up and doesnt need a daddy too. Or does she?

Wompa1

Unrelated note if I ever find myself single again I'm going to adopt a Barney Stinson like approach to women and this is going to be one of my back stories...The OP has women coo-ing all over him. Nice work!

blackbird98

fair play to you.

for what it's worth, a pal of mine was in a similar situation, new g/f started trying calling the shots after they moved in together. she was jealous of his ex and wanted him to move to a different town, 15 miles away. she couldn't ubderstand why he needed to see so much of the children, and didn't want him to be meeting / talking to his ex.

guess who moved out???? she did...relationship ended.....but a year later she wanted to try again.....he wasn't interested, the kids being his priority.....reckons it was the best decision he's ever made, even though he loved her.......he's still enjoying the single life.

so go with your gut feeling and if she can't hack it......then let her go.

best of luck!

booboo88

If it was a case that you were always texting your daughters mum all the time I would probably feel the same. But its not, you're an absolute gentleman I personally think dump current woman and theres nicer women out there tho you wont find them in the night clubs

Johro

Wompa1 wrote: »

In fairness to your girlfriend OP we are only hearing your side here. She must see something different that has ticked her off this way. If my girlfriend was still in touch with her ex after a bad breakup I would be asking questions too...you sound like you are in it for the right reasons but I can understand her being a bit insecure with the situation.

Do you include your girlfriend when you are spending time with the girl?

I do. I have to stress though that I'm talking about usually two weekends a month, some holidays I'd have her over for a while, and if say, I was asked could she stay over for the weekend and we had a night out planned or something my sis would mind her for that night, she has kids of her own and they get on great. As for me and my ex, I'm only ever there to pick her up, other than that we arrange times over the phone. Don't forget we broke up a few years ago now, and nothing's ever happened that would suggest we'd get back together you know?
I get the feeling from her that had we been married this whole thing would've been considered normal, it's the fact she's (in her eyes) not my responsibility. I disagree. It's not just because of the fact that I've been there for six years of her life and therefore still feel responsible, it's coz I love her. To me she's my daughter. To her I'm her Dad. It should be simple.

Johro

Wompa1 wrote: »

Unrelated note if I ever find myself single again I'm going to adopt a Barney Stinson like approach to women and this is going to be one of my back stories...The OP has women coo-ing all over him. Nice work!

Had to Google Barney Stinson. Ya cynic.

Johro

Fittle wrote: »

I remember before I had my child and I was going out with a bloke who had a child....I honestly didn't appreciate the love you feel for your kids, or the love thats possible to feel for a child...yes, I have nephews and nieces etc, but until you're raising the child yourself, whether you're the biological parent or not, you just don't 'get' it.

That's just it. I did look after her for such a long time that it's impossible not to form that bond you know? And jeez the way you worry when they're ill... It kinda opens your eyes to a lot of things too, having a child depend on you. I've learned a lot from the situation myself, and I've definitely mellowed a lot and I'm not as quick to judge people since. Also, I think that until you're involved in bringing up a child you don't realise what a freaky dangerous place the world is. Anyways... I've made things as clear as possible so will see what happens.
Thanks all for your replies x

Johro

booboo88 wrote: »

If it was a case that you were always texting your daughters mum all the time I would probably feel the same. But its not, you're an absolute gentleman I personally think dump current woman and theres nicer women out there tho you wont find them in the night clubs

I know this.

Neadine

Johro wrote: »

It isn't an option. It never was.
I kind of wanted to see if there were other women out there who might feel the same in that situation, but I didn't really think so and all the replies I got so far show that.
I think her main problem is that she figures that as long as I have my daughter in my life I would also have a relationship with her mother. Which is true, to some extent. I mean, just because things ultimately didn't work out for us doesn't mean I stopped caring. I do like to know she's okay, and if she needed help I'd be there. But all the same, we separated and that's how it's going to stay.
To be fair, when I had my daughter staying over my she and my gf got on really well, they played games and stuff and generally had a good time and a laugh, and she genuinely seemed to like her. Which is why this kinda came out of the blue for me and shocked me a bit. It's got to be jealousy.
But cutting my little girl out of my life was never ever going to happen, my proudest moment of my life is when she all of a sudden started calling me 'daddy' , nothing ever surpassed that and I don't think anything ever will.
It's amazing to see what a difference you can make in a child's life, like when I used to read her stories, I ran my finger underneath the words I was reading so she could sort of follow the words if you know what I mean, and after a while she started reading a bit herself and then if we read a story we'd do a page each, she'd say 'my turn now' and read herself, and because of it she started doing so much better at school with her spelling and general knowledge of words you know?
I love that. Having made a difference in her life. Making her laugh. She had a rotten start. I know coz my dad disappeared when I was about three. I'm sure not going to stop now.

By the way I told my gf today to like it or lump it, more or less, she said she'd have to think about it. That got me mad, so I said don't bother.

Also, if I was in a new relationship with someone, as long as she was okay with me having my daughter around sometimes, 'coming second to her' wouldn't really apply, and it shouldn't. It's just a different kind of love.

The coming second wasn't in regards love or emotion, I was never in doubt about his feelings for me. The coming second regard was for his time, if there was something up with one of the kids, they came first, and if we were making plans he always checked to make sure the kids didn't have something on that he needed to be there for. And at times that was hard, for me.

Johro

Neadine wrote: »

The coming second wasn't in regards love or emotion, I was never in doubt about his feelings for me. The coming second regard was for his time, if there was something up with one of the kids, they came first, and if we were making plans he always checked to make sure the kids didn't have something on that he needed to be there for. And at times that was hard, for me.

Don't all parents do that though? I suppose there's maybe a feeling of you being a little left out when it came to his children?
Maybe he could have included you more in those decisions. He probably should have.

Neadine

Johro wrote: »

Don't all parents do that though? I suppose there's maybe a feeling of you being a little left out when it came to his children?
Maybe he could have included you more in those decisions. He probably should have.

Yes, 'most' parents do that. It wasn't a case of feeling left out. On the grand scale of things I didn't have a problem with him putting his kids first, it's how it should be. But sometimes when plans had to be cancelled at the last minute, and it happened from time to time, I would be disappointed, put out, whatever you want to call it. But that annoyance wasn't towards his kids, that was disappointment because I had been looking forward to spending time with him and plans had to be changed.

I remember very early days and we were out, he had his phone in his pocket, on silent, and when he checked he had a bunch of missed calls. I asked him not to do that again on my account, felt that if his smallies called him, about what ever, he needed to pick up, or at least call back quickly. After that he took their calls and I never had an issue with it, or him calling them when we were together. I even went with him to do shopping for their Christmas pressies.

Gillo

It's perfectly ok to be disappointed Neadine, it's only natural, but it's how you deal with it and from what you're saying you dealt with it very well. I think the best way I ever heard it put was my ex saying "well, you're dating the two of us" & yes double break ups are a royal pain in the ass!

Johro

guest252 wrote: »

have you considered adopting her?

It seems that in all respects, both in terms of the commitment you've given and in how you feel she is your daughter as much as if she were your biological child. Adoption might give you legal security in the future and rights, just a thing to think about.

Also, draw that parallel with your girlfriend, ask her would she still want you to drop the child if she was your adopted daughter? Once she realises maybe how serious the little girl is to you, maybe by giving it another label instead of 'my ex's kid', she'll realise how stupid and selfish her demands are.

'My ex's kid' was only for this forum, explaining the situation. I'd otherwise never call her that. It's her name, her nickname, or 'my little girl' or 'my daughter'. I would never have referred to her as 'my ex's kid' to my gf other then when I first explained the situation to her and how I feel she's my daughter because of it. Just to clarify.