I'm afraid all the time

kewpiegal

I wonder has this happened to anyone else, my husband died in late 2009, he was found dead,we had separated 3 years previously because of his drinking ,(he died because of it)but never legally separated, he was only 45 when he died, and after many years of ups and downs , we were very good friends when he died, we have 2 children aged 11 and 14 who both adored him and he them, he was almost obsessed with them,not in a bad way , just loved them so much, he was a great dad but at times I had to stop him from seeing them if he was drinking heavily, he used to get so angry, but weirdly about 2 weeks before he died , he told me that he was sorry for any hurt he'd ever caused me, and said that all the decisions I'd made about the kids were right, I said it was water under the bridge and that we were friends now, and that's what mattered.
Since he died I have been so afraid all the time, it's like he's here all the time, it feels like a very dark shadow around me,I have'nt slept properly in about 14 months ,I pray foy him every night, I feel so guilty that he's dead, but I know he's better where he is, his life was so out of control, I have been to counsellors and spoken to family members, everyone tells me that It will get better, I feel so haunted, can anyone help? has this happened to anyone? sorry for long post and thanks in advance for any help.

Loopsie

You poor soul i am so sorry to hear of your loss and your childrens loss. I have absolutely no idea what you are going through but i know someone who had a similiar situation, she sought help from a spiritual healer and has never looked back since. Everything in her life was affected by the torment and she felt haunted.
I am sure you are a wonderful mum and be comforted in what he said before he passed in regard to you making the right decisions.
Best of luck Op
L x

FoxT

KewPiegal,
My condolences to you and your two sons. One of our children died 11 years ago, aged 18 months, with no warning. We subsequently had another child, a boy, 2-3 years later, I remember getting panic attacks at night for the first 2 years of his life. My wife suffered, too. It really surprised me, I thought we had recovered from the shock & grief of our loss.

Over time, and with the mutual support we gave each other, with the joy of our other children, with support from friends, we got through it.

I think grief & bereavement can take many forms, including fear, panic, guilt - a whole range of shocking & painful emotions that are difficult to explain to people who have not themselves experienced it. It is a frightening time, I remember the self - doubt I felt, a sense that my feelings were not to be trusted....

I hope you have people close to you that can listen & support you. I found talking to people about it helped a lot. It didnt 'fix' things, put putting the demons out in the open gave them a lot less power over my feelings.

How are your sons doing? If you aren't doing so already, try to spend lots of time with them, playing games, going for a coffee, going for walks...the three of you have a shared experience & a common language. They may well have their own fears & anxieties too, and, they love you.


The very best of luck,

FoxT

kewpiegal

thank you both so much for replying, my children are actually girls and have no idea of what I'm going through, they are wonderful and very brave, surviving their dad's problems and his death.
I have considered a spiritual healer but dont know where to begin, the funny thing is I know he would never harm us , but it feels that as long as my children are around , then so will he.
A friend gave me white sage to burn , and that gave me peace for a day or 2, and I know it probably was the sudden "found dead" scare that I got triggered it, my heart goes out to you foxt,losing a child has to be the most difficult loss by far, you were lucky to have eachother, I'm so glad things got better.
loopsie, thank you for your kind words, was this spitual healer in cork by any chance?
I basically just want to sit in my own home,(he never lived here ) and not go to bed when my kids are for fear that he'll appear, I must sound daft, but, it really is how I feel

neuro-praxis

Perhaps you could contact a kind and discerning priest or minister (if you know one...you don't want some plonker involved in this situation) and ask them to pray with you in your home. This might bring some peace.

Edited to add: perhaps also trying a new counsellor might also help. I know you have been to one before but in Ireland counselling is unregulated so you can end up attending someone useless. It sounds like you need to get to the bottom of whatever is causing this high anxiety in you. Good luck.

FoxT

Would it help if you had an adult friend or relative who could stay over with you 1 - 2 nights a week?

I can understand your fears creeping up on you when you are alone, the kids are in bed, and the house is quiet - perhaps if you had some company it would help. Don't think you are being stupid - you aren't ....just being human

I know its hard now, but, believe me, it does get better. Hang in there!

- Foxt

Loopsie

Kewpiegal
No wea re in dublin but i have heard of a very good one in cork.....im going to pm you her number now. i wish you all the luck in the world
x

kewpiegal

thanks again, here I am again, up early, have an exam at 10 this morning in college, havent slept properly, all fuzzy headed, scared sitting in my kitchen, I genuinely cannot explain what this feels like but I do know that this has affected my quality of life, and as much as I appreciate all the lovely nessages , I really feel that no one knows what it's like , I would love to talk to just one person who could put a name on it, and say "do this"
weird thing is I really dont believe in ghosts , I'm not particuarly religious,just know what I'm feeling, thanks again, must say lovely people on this site!

Oryx

I cant advise you much here on bereavement, others here understand that so much better than me. So I'm coming at this from a spiritual aspect as that is what I think you are talking about here. Its where my background lies.

I'm not sure if you should visit a spiritual healer, because there are such a mixture of them out there, and even if you get a good one, it can cause confusion afterwards as you try to come to terms with what they have told you. Id be afraid you might get someone who simply doesnt gel with you, as that can cause more harm than good.

Regardless of your faith or belief, I suppose you can still accept that anyone who has passed who loved us in life would still love us from 'whereever' they are? If you feel your husbands prescence (or whatever you think this feeling is), then simply accept it. Dont fear it. You didnt fear him in life, so dont fear him now. Acknowlege whatever this sense or feeling is in your head, accept it as being there, and then send all the love and healing you have in your heart out to him. That is all you need to do.

LegacyUser

kewpiegal wrote: »

thank you both so much for replying, my children are actually girls and have no idea of what I'm going through, they are wonderful and very brave, surviving their dad's problems and his death.
I have considered a spiritual healer but dont know where to begin, the funny thing is I know he would never harm us , but it feels that as long as my children are around , then so will he.
A friend gave me white sage to burn , and that gave me peace for a day or 2, and I know it probably was the sudden "found dead" scare that I got triggered it, my heart goes out to you foxt,losing a child has to be the most difficult loss by far, you were lucky to have eachother, I'm so glad things got better.
loopsie, thank you for your kind words, was this spitual healer in cork by any chance?
I basically just want to sit in my own home,(he never lived here ) and not go to bed when my kids are for fear that he'll appear, I must sound daft, but, it really is how I feel

I don't believe in spirits but you do not sound daft, you ve been through a lot and you seem to have handled the whole situation well I'd say you re a fantastic mother. My only fear for you is that I fear some con woman could take advantage of you due to your grief as I said I'm not sure I believe in spirits but I have not lost any of my immediate family so who I am to tell you anything, if you feel he is there I would take the advice of a previous poster and let him be you had no reason to fear him alive.

kewpiegal

thanks to all who replied to my post, I have moved on a little, fear is leaving me slowly but surely.
I have a friend who sat with me whilst I talked for about 5 hours straight, she listened and helped me to see that everyone chooses their own path and that we are all responsible for our own actions.
She also pointed out that I was letting precious time go by that I should be spending with my children, I'm not better but I can now sit alone at night for a while , and can walk upstairs without too much fear.
Sadly I still have to take something to sleep , but I'm actively working on this too.
So thank you for all your kind comments and hopefully, thins will get better from now on!