Did I over-react?

LegacyUser

A couple of days ago my girlfriend broke up with me. We had only officially been a couple for a month or two, but had been seeing each other for a long while before that and were very good friends for ages before that too. Recently I have been going through some problems back home which I was finding tough to deal with. The same night it started, knowing I had to deal with this, she told me how she was finding the 'pressure' of being in a relationship too much. She's a very private person and she didn't like things like people asking her about me, trying to make time to see me all the time etc.

I found that tough to hear and, given what I had been going through, I lost my cool with her saying I can't deal with this now. A couple of days later when I went over to hers to talk about things I apologised for taking it out on her. She couldn't accept it though. She said what I did is exactly the kind of thing she's not able to deal with, and because I freaked her out too much she wanted to break it off. This completely threw me off as I had gone straight to hers after attending to family matters in Kerry and was still finding things tough to deal with back home. To do this on that day of all days, knowing what I was going through, was absolutely horrible of her IMO.

So I began doing what everyone's told to do to get over from a break-up. I cut her off from my life. Phone number, email, facebook etc all deleted. I did send her one last message just saying how badly she messed me about and how I don't know if I could ever forgive her for what she did.

Since then things haven't been going well. I have to see her everyday at work and I can't walk past her without getting dirty looks or hear remarks about me behind my back. It now turns out after talking to a colleague at work that she's absolutely distraught at the way I handled the break-up. She just assumed I'd be mature about it, move on and in time go back to being friends, but she thought the message and the fb deletion was way too harsh. The worst part is my colleague agreed with her, that I shouldn't have been so rash in deleting her from my life when I have to see her everyday anyway. And apparently he's not the only one that feels the same. The worst part is they all felt sorry for me for the way she broke up with me, but now they think what I did was worse.

So what am I meant to do now? I'm still furious with her for what she did, and I'm afraid I'll seem weak and grovelling if I ring her and say sorry again for over-reacting, especially since it's so soon after the break-up. But maybe I did go overboard. I was absolutely sure at the time I took the right course of action but hearing that so many people disagree with me is really freaking me out. I know there's no chance of us ever getting back together but have I just made things a lot harder for myself now?

fasty

Who cares if other people disagree? They know one side of the story. Just be civil and professional and ignore people's comments.

Perhaps the message was overkill, but people do rash things when they're dumped, especially if other stuff is going on in their lives.

Why makes things easier for her?

astra2000

Hi op firstly I am sorry to hear you have been having a tough time of it and I hope things start to go right for you soon.
Does it really matter if other people think you were wrong and how do you know for sure these people think you were in the wrong, they could be just telling your ex what she wants to hear either way if you feel the only way you were able to cope with things was by cutting contact as much as possible then that was your choice. Your ex sounds like a bit of a drama queen tbh, it seems to be all about her, ie not likeing it when people asked her how you were getting on, making comments and giving you looks when when you pass, your the one going through a tough time and she choose to break up with you ata that time , it sounds as if her overreaction is to take the heat off herself and make you look like a bad guy. Its not fair I am sure during the problems you have been having recently you have been suprised by the concern others have shown you people you probably wouldnt have expected it of, and this girl has done the opposite she has made things worse for you and is continuing to do so. Detach yourself from her behaviour, concentrate on coming to terms with your recent problems and realise you had a lucky escape. Best of luck.

Butterflylove

Op god I feel for you this is a horrible situation to be in!

I think your work colleague actually shouldnt have an opinion on it, nor was it very professional for your ex to be discussing this around the office when it has nothing to do with your work or colleagues.

I would have done the same thing if I was in your situation.

I find it odd since your ex is a private person that she is discussing this!
If anyone brings this up again state that what happened is between you and her, and that you would prefer if people would respect your privacy and not discuss it.

Brush off peoples comments, if they are continued to be made, it just falls back bad on themselves, to be have opinions etc in something they only know one side of a story in.

Wagon

adviceplease2 wrote: »

Since then things haven't been going well. I have to see her everyday at work and I can't walk past her without getting dirty looks or hear remarks about me behind my back. It now turns out after talking to a colleague at work that she's absolutely distraught at the way I handled the break-up. She just assumed I'd be mature about it, move on and in time go back to being friends, but she thought the message and the fb deletion was way too harsh.

Really? Well, tough shít love. You can't expect anything from anyone after you dump them. She thought you two should remain friends? Eh no. That's your decision, not hers.

The worst part is my colleague agreed with her, that I shouldn't have been so rash in deleting her from my life when I have to see her everyday anyway. And apparently he's not the only one that feels the same. The worst part is they all felt sorry for me for the way she broke up with me, but now they think what I did was worse.

You colleagues sound like a shower of self absorbed knobheads. So is your ex.

Have to wonder where you work. It doesn't sound like anyone in there has been dumped before because if they were, they would realise the best course of action is to step back and leave it between her and you and not get involved.

Don't bother with them. Go in, work and then leave for home. Let your stupid ex girlfriend pull her head out of her arse in her own time.

PopUp

adviceplease2 wrote: »

The worst part is my colleague agreed with her, that I shouldn't have been so rash in deleting her from my life when I have to see her everyday anyway. And apparently he's not the only one that feels the same. The worst part is they all felt sorry for me for the way she broke up with me, but now they think what I did was worse.

They don't really. They are all just loving having a bit of drama and amusement in the office. And to be honest, while I wouldn't disagree with another poster's characterisation of your ex as a drama queen, you have played your own part in this.

What are you doing discussing this with colleagues? It's private, just say you'd rather not talk about it. It's obvious from the comment above that you told everyone how she broke up with you to begin with, and were pleased when they 'took your side' - are you really surprised that your ex has now fired back a volley of her own?

This will all blow over in a week or two. Keep your head down, do your work, stop talking about your personal life to colleagues, and don't date someone in the office again.

G-Money

I don't think you did overreact. It's not like you smashed the place up or something. I think it's normal to delete details like that and I'd be surprised if someone held onto them for quite a while after a breakup anyway.

I'd say part of her is annoyed that you beat her to it and she didn't get to do it first if I'm being honest.

As for her colleagues, well who gives a f*** what they think. It wasn't their relationship so they really should keep their noses out of it.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. Just on this:

PopUp wrote: »

What are you doing discussing this with colleagues? It's private, just say you'd rather not talk about it. It's obvious from the comment above that you told everyone how she broke up with you to begin with, and were pleased when they 'took your side' - are you really surprised that your ex has now fired back a volley of her own?

That's not what happened actually. I should have stated in the OP that I willingly talked to my colleague about this. He's the one person in the office I'd honestly describe as a friend and when he said he's there for a chat whenever I wanted to I took him up on his offer. The others are more acquaintances then anything and would definitely be more close to my ex then to me.

He's the only person I've told exactly how we broke up, the others are just going by what my ex has said to them. I also haven't spoken to the rest of them personally about this, I just know from my friend that they have this opinion of me. I know I need to tell myself they've only heard one side of the story and I should ignore them, but I'm stuck in an office with an ex-girlfriend who hates my guts and a select group of people who think I'm an ignorant ****.

But regardless of the office awkwardness I'm still having major doubts about whether I made the right decision to be so abrupt about it. This is the first time I've ever found myself in this situation, having to be the one that makes these post-break up decisions. Making such a major climbdown as asking to be friends again so soon is very risky, and I could also end up giving her the satisfaction of saying 'no' to me.

But if I carry on as I am, in the back of my mind I'll keep thinking it could've been easier for me to at least try and be friends. It's killing me having to see my ex all the time and know she now has such a low opinion of me, especially when it all happened so suddenly. And no matter how many times I try make myself remember how horrible she treated me, a part of me just wishes I could forgive her, she could understand my reasoning behind my reaction and we can go on as if the last few months never happened.

Wompa1

You were right to cut her out of your life. That's what people do when they broke up. She should grow up in fairness. Maybe you can just use this as a learning experience and don't hook up with people you work with. It's said women go for guys in Proximity....but as a guy I would never get with somebody I work with. Or a friend of a friend. When things go crap you still have to face those people.

Moomoo1

adviceplease2 wrote: »

It's killing me having to see my ex all the time and know she now has such a low opinion of me, especially when it all happened so suddenly. And no matter how many times I try make myself remember how horrible she treated me, a part of me just wishes I could forgive her, she could understand my reasoning behind my reaction and we can go on as if the last few months never happened.

you really really really haven't done anything wrong. She had a low opinion of you a long time before you broke up: that's why she treated you like this. What's happening now is just spite: spite that you weren't her little lamb and dared not do as she wanted.

whatsamsn

The vast majority of people who were in relationships that end bad (from the messiest, to even the slightest bit of hurt... to even some who just were the ones told it was over) tend to make the ex out as the bad guy. That they were the victim. I'd go as far and say 99.9% of people do this with a bad ending relationship. Problem is you never know who is genuine.

No-one wants to be the bad guy op. Everyone wants to see themselves as the victim. I've seen liars, cheats and users who were genuinely the guilty party twist and bend truths, others lying to portray themselves in a good light.


Normally the best advice is to just ignore it. Take the highroad. But its not so easy here. Usually an ex gets slated to their own friends. Which who cares. Their circle. But when you are in the same enviroment as the ex thats when things can get messy.
Afterall who wants people to be getting the wrong idea of us all because someone was bending truths and or lying? :rolleyes: