Ex-Wife's new bloke

LegacyUser

Right in a kinda don't know what to say or do if anthing moment but here goes, my ex-wife has a new bloke and she has told me he makes her feel good about herself, we have been seperated for a year now and have 3 wonderful kids which I adore and would do anything for and they want for nothing. The problem is her new bloke as I have got reliable information about him which I know to be true but he has a an ex wife which I know nothing about but he has an ex girlfriend with a child and a few other ex's no big deal but its the things that have happened involving them. He has damaged property belonging to an ex girlfriend and she was too frightened to press charges against him. He has had serious rows with the mother (ex girlfriend) of his young child resulting in her going into a refuge and also leaving the country. Other things have happened also which I cannot confirm but I do know he has a temper etc and likes to get his own way.

My problem is I don't want anything to happen with my 3 kids around him as I know if I found out I would not be able to control myself.

I don't know if I should tell the ex or not as its her life and she can make her own decisions in life but my kids are what I am worried about, he has his own business but seems to be all over the place, I have never met him but feel like I should and have a little word in his ear rather than tell the ex.

What should I do????

Sauve

I can totally understand you being concerned for the safety of your children in all of this.
But if you "have a word in his ear", I think that would be the wrong way to approach the situation. You'll make yourself an enemy straight away, and who knows what he'll say to your ex about you...

If I was in your situation, I'd speak to her about it. Tel her what you know, how you found out and keep it to the facts. She is going to have the kids' interests as a priority too, so she should at least take what you're saying seriously.
But don't be overly hard on this guy, and definitely don't say anything that you can't back up with proof. Otherwise you'll come across as being jealous/out to get him.
Best of luck, hope it all works out.

LegacyUser

Cheers I know what you mean but she is really happy with this bloke and she knows I have very good sources but I don't want her to think I am trying to ruin things for her as I am not. I just don't want him doing anything if the kids are nearby etc, she told me before he has no interest in my kids and only her which is fine by me but I don't want to get a call in the middle of the night from my eldest daughter or find out that he has done something.

I'll probably have a word with her but I also don't want her getting in trouble with him if/when she confronts him as its his temper is the problem and the kids had problems with him being in the house at the start but I told them it was ok before I found out these things about him

Sauve

If I was you (and I'm not, I don't know the full story), I'd be concerned too.
Just as long as she knows that it's the kids you're worried about, and not trying to ruin her relationship she'll probably listen to you more.
But whatever you do, don't fall out with her, just speak rationally and tell her your concerns. I would be very surprised if she doesn't put the kids' safety first...

niceoneted

I recently spoke with my mum about a neighbour/friend of the family who had been in a volatile relationship who is now with another guy. (I don't know much about them but she does).
The guy she is with was also in a volatile relationship previously. ( she would be comfortable and open about her relationships to talk about them)
They are together a few years now and could not be happier - no volatility. Sometimes it is just a matter of being with the wrong person. I would not say anything to either him or her. I would monitor the situation closely. I would also - depending on the ages of the kids - talk to them in a general way about safety around adults and remind them that they can talk to you about issues they have with bullying, aggressive behaviour etc from any person.

Fittle

+1 to above poster - I would say nothing but also monitor the situation closely.

You say she said he has no interest in the kids?

I can't see the relationship lasting very long so - how can it progress if he doesn't have an interest in the 3 children?

You don't mention her mothering skills OP - I'm sure she's a good mum and while we are all responsible for our own happiness, and it's important that she has a life too - how can she be attracted to him when he has no interest in her kids?

You may have little to worry about OP - this could fizzle out in time.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the advice, she (ex wife) has told me on numerous occasions he has no interest in the kids and only her which I find strange cause she wanted him in the house and the kids didn't and we both spoke to the kids explaining that he is their mum's new bloke and will be visiting their home from time to time.

I think he is a user/player but its not my place to say, he see's a big house in a nice area with all the mod cons etc and a woman who has fallen for his charm and cash.

The last thing I want to see is arriving over to see the kids and the ex wife in fear of him etc as thats not good for my kids

Suppose best to sit back and keep an eye on things but the kids are young and I don't want them exposed to any violence etc

Think I might just get in contact with his ex's and see what they say to get a bigger better picture???

LegacyUser

It doesn't matter how much information you discover, your ex will likely only hear what she wants to hear, believe what she wants to. So by all means, get in contact with this guys' previous girlfriends, but solely for your own benefit in the short-term
What I would do is be a regular, constant (in as much is possible) presence in the house while this new guy is on the scene. Be seen to be actively involved in your childrens' lives, make sure they& he know that you have an honest open relationship.
Maybe ask a relative/neighbour to keep an eye out? Don't ask for "reports" back or anything, just to be vigilant. If feasible, call in unannounced from time to time- just to say hello.
Your childrens' welfare- physical& emotional- is top priority.

Abi

Sauvignon82 wrote: »

I can totally understand you being concerned for the safety of your children in all of this.
But if you "have a word in his ear", I think that would be the wrong way to approach the situation. You'll make yourself an enemy straight away, and who knows what he'll say to your ex about you...

If I was in your situation, I'd speak to her about it. Tel her what you know, how you found out and keep it to the facts. She is going to have the kids' interests as a priority too, so she should at least take what you're saying seriously.
But don't be overly hard on this guy, and definitely don't say anything that you can't back up with proof. Otherwise you'll come across as being jealous/out to get him.
Best of luck, hope it all works out.

^^ This.

familydude wrote: »

Cheers I know what you mean but she is really happy with this bloke and she knows I have very good sources but I don't want her to think I am trying to ruin things for her as I am not. I just don't want him doing anything if the kids are nearby etc, she told me before he has no interest in my kids and only her which is fine by me but I don't want to get a call in the middle of the night from my eldest daughter or find out that he has done something.

I'll probably have a word with her but I also don't want her getting in trouble with him if/when she confronts him as its his temper is the problem and the kids had problems with him being in the house at the start but I told them it was ok before I found out these things about him

That is irrelevant, as far as your kids are concerned. People make bad choices, she obviously doesn't know what you know. If you have this information from a solid source, then talk to your ex-wife. You mightn't have met him, but hes met your children I assume. Get any ideas out of your head that you're interfering in some way, if you have concerns about your children then you're entitled to raise the subject with your ex-wife.

Hope everything works out for the better OP.

LegacyUser

Cheers all, alot for me to take in but I will thread carefully as don't want anyone to get hurt either emotionaly or physically. I have got address of his ex partners but will make those contacts over time. I do call regularly to the family home but at times the ex wife has texted me not to call over as she is having 'friends'???around for dinner etc in other words stay away and I do as I have to respect her privacey.

No I have never met him and the ex wife has said to me I never will, he is older than me but I think he is also scared of me as well.

I do call over alot but always text before I do and as I work shift work she knows so always has him over when I am working etc or she heads off on nights out doesn't tell me but has the neighbours mind the kids with their kids (sleep over kinda things)

Neighbours are on her side as it was the sister of one who introduced him to her so no help there on that front.

I feel like telling her to feck off with him and leave me the kids since he wants nothing to do with them and is only taking part of the entire package thats there.

Squiggler

familydude wrote: »

No I have never met him and the ex wife has said to me I never will.

Why? For me this would be enough to set alarms ringing. I think you have a right to meet someone your children are being exposed to on a regular basis, and as the mother of those children and your former partner your wife should at the very least be trying to reassure you.

She sounds like a very selfish person.

Abi

Squiggler wrote: »

Why? For me this would be enough to set alarms ringing. I think you have a right to meet someone your children are being exposed to on a regular basis, and as the mother of those children and your former partner your wife should at the very least be trying to reassure you.

She sounds like a very selfish person.

This is what I was thinking..


OP, I completely agree with Squiggler on this. It doesn't make sense, why is she so against you meeting him? I wouldn't stand for it. Your children are resident with her, their living environment is your business. She seems to having you feeling like an interfering ex. She can't just cut you out when she feels like it, those children need to see their father. I suggest you tell her to set up solid times when you can see them.

How old are your kids? Have you asked her how she explained the new set-up to the kids? Did you have a chat with the kids to see how they feel about it? Theres no way I'd let this go OP, you and your ex need to be on the same page for your kids sakes.

Floppybits

A few things have struck me about this relationship the ex wife is in.

Firstly when she has friends over where are the kids?

Secondly when she is going on dates why is she leaving the kids with a neighbour and not with you?

I think if I was in your position and she was seeing someone who has admitted they dont want anything to do with the kids, I would saying well when you do see him then I will take the kids, that way I know they wont be harms way.

To tell you the truth OP, I don't think the relationship will last too long. The reason I think this are two reason,

1. he doesn't want anything to do with the kids. No matter how long the relationship lasts the kids are going to become a part of it whether he likes it or not and as going on what you say he doesn't then as soon as that point comes he will be gone.

2. the fact your ex doesn't want you to meet him and saying you never will, is another sign that this relationship wont last. Kinda like the kids point above you meeting will have to happen if the relationship gets serious and he is going to be involved more in the kids lives. Then you will have to meet because like any concerned father you would want to make sure your kids are ok when you are not with them.

My advice would be to monitor the situation, when you do have your children with you, just make sure they are ok, that is your priority. As others have said above if you do speak to her about his past behaviours she wont like it and will only accuse you of being jealous or maybe even make her dig her heels in.

Anyways good luck OP, I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

Well had the kids today as she went away and did not get back until late this evening.

When she has friend/s over the kids are in the house as well

I mentioned to her that I would like to meet this new bloke of hers since he visits the family home where my kids live and she told me that he has nothing to do with me or the kids and its her bloke and not anyone else's and I won't be meeting him ever.

She got very aggressive with me and that is one of the reasons I left her eventually as she like her other sisters like to make men feel like crap etc

I told her what I knew about her new bloke and voiced my concerns and again she said he has no interest in my kids and is not there for them.

She has now threathned to get a barring order against me and is telling me I can go to court if I want access to the kids if I feel that strong about the whole situation.

My current problem is where I am living now is not suitable for them because I have no room for them to sleep, unless they sleep in my room with me

God she just can't see the big picture or else she has realised that all is not as it seems with him and is angry with me cause I ruined it or something, I told her I don't care who she goes out with as all I am concerned with is the kids.

I just can't win she is a spiteful person who feels the world owes her everything


I am going to make contact with his ex's over the weekend to satisfy my suspicions etc and prove myself right.

I just feel like telling her take a hike give me custody of the kids and let her go off and do with whom she wants.

Sorry for the rant but it just gets me soo much inside and she blames the whole marriage break up on me and nothing to do with her at all.

Abi

familydude wrote: »

Well had the kids today as she went away and did not get back until late this evening.

When she has friend/s over the kids are in the house as well

It's fine if she has friends over, but she also has the responsibility to make sure it doesn't turn into a party zone when kids should be in their beds.

I mentioned to her that I would like to meet this new bloke of hers since he visits the family home where my kids live and she told me that he has nothing to do with me or the kids and its her bloke and not anyone else's and I won't be meeting him ever.

Her reluctance to let you meet him says is ringing alarm bells again.

She got very aggressive with me and that is one of the reasons I left her eventually as she like her other sisters like to make men feel like crap etc

When people shout and are aggressive it can be for a couple of reasons. Frustration is one, but more often than not it can be because they are covering up something. There is a reason she doesnt want you two to meet.

I told her what I knew about her new bloke and voiced my concerns and again she said he has no interest in my kids and is not there for them.

She has now threathned to get a barring order against me and is telling me I can go to court if I want access to the kids if I feel that strong about the whole situation.

Let her threaten all she likes. You take the legal routes about having access to the children.

My current problem is where I am living now is not suitable for them because I have no room for them to sleep, unless they sleep in my room with me

What is your current living situation? are you back with your parents, or roomshare? You need to make room for your children somehow, or find yourself some bigger digs so you can accomodate them. You need time with them. Shes being incredibly selfish in all this, thinking only of herself here. Shes playing god with when you can see the kids, and the other guy doesnt want to hear about them. This is a bad situation for them.

I am going to make contact with his ex's over the weekend to satisfy my suspicions etc and prove myself right.

I wouldnt bother with him now, she's been trying to keep you away from him so shes likely to lose the rag if you do get in contact and it gets back to her. If hes as aggresive as you think he is, Im thinking hes not going to see reason with your actions either.

I just feel like telling her take a hike give me custody of the kids and let her go off and do with whom she wants.

It sounds like you are the only one thats thinking straight. But unless she or he is violent towards them, or give the social services any reason to be worried about their safety - the law will stay on the mothers side. I suggest you pay a visit to your nearest citizens advice, get yourself informed on your legal rights in this situation.

Sorry for the rant but it just gets me soo much inside and she blames the whole marriage break up on me and nothing to do with her at all.

Why does she blame you?

Fittle

Firstly I find it very interesting that you say SHE got aggressive with you...and in your next sentence it's her who's getting a barring order against you.

You must have got aggressive yourself OP, for her to even mention that.

I don't know why you are obsessed with making contact with his ex's, to the point of finding out their addresses Are you sure this isn't about you being jealous of him and her? Having asked that, I doubt you're going to admit that here anyway. It just seems very odd that you are going to these lengths to dig the dirt on this guy when she has constantly told you he has no interest in the kids - it's not even clear if your kids have met him

Have they? And what is their opinion of him?

You are pre-empting and imagining all sorts of situations here - your daughter ringing you in the middle of the night, you going to the house to find them all living in fear.
None of the above has actually happened!!!!

yes I can see why you would be concerned if you knew this guy was causing your children concern, but he's not, is he? Or have I missed something?

omahaid

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly I find it very interesting that you say SHE got aggressive with you...and in your next sentence it's her who's getting a barring order against you.

You must have got aggressive yourself OP, for her to even mention that.

Why do you say that? Are you saying it is impossible that it could be a method for the OP's ex to punish him?

LegacyUser

She got angry with me cause I told her that if he comes into the family home which I still part own he cannot shove the kids off to one side in their house and be all cosy with her, wait until the kids are in bed. She always uses the barring order against me and says she will say I attacked her etc and also I will have to get a court order to see my kids. Look as a bloke I am on the wrong foot and everything is stacked against me anyway

Yeah she got agressive with me and she does I can be agressive but now I just don't see the point and just don't react to her getting all agressive etc and maybe that drives he even more nuts and she also changed the locks on the house when I moved out and would not give me a key and now she has admitted it was wrong and told me she will say if asked the lock broke and that I never asked for a key, but I did.

I am concerned about the safety of my kids and know now that his ex partners have been in fear of him and he has called to their homes and caused damage to property.

I am currently in a shared accomadation as the last place I was in was not suitable at all with goings on near by etc so where I am not is a stop gap so to speak.

All the financial matters have not been fully sorted yet so I don't want to over budget myself now if I end up with very little after the settlement.

If we have to sell the house she has said she will move back up the country to her family etc and she knows that it will be more difficult for me to see the kids and her family will not make things easy for me. So my only option is give her the full ownership of the house so I can at least get to see my kids alot more and pick up from school and go to their school and after school events.

Yes the marriage broke down and I had an affair and the only reason I did was because she had got her nice house and wanted for nothing and when it came to me it was the usual "who would look at or have you" comments. I worked hard did extra shifts so she could have anything she wanted and when I needed love comfort it was no too tired or in drinking with neighbours or something like that, I would return home from working 12hr + shifts and she would have the neighbours in drinking or be in their house and expect me to join in when I was totally exhausted and only wanted to sit down and chill out with the kids and her but oh no I was a grumpy bollocks cause I did not want to join in. I eneded up working all the time just to keep away from all that crap.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - obviously we are only getting your side of the story and your version of events. I am always very very wary of believing second/third/fourth hand information.. no matter how reliable the source. Because unless someone has actually been phsically present at an incident, they cannot confidently report what happened. And sometimes, even when people ARE present, it's THEIR spin on what happened. You've never met this bloke? Have you met all his exes? If you don't personally know him, you can't take as fact everything you are told. Regardless of who is telling you.

I do understand your concerns, but there's nothing you can do about it. She is their mother. As their mother, we have to assume she has their best interests at heart and will look after them while they are in her care. In other words, you have to trust her to take proper care of your children. If you don't trust her to do that, then you need to go further, with sufficient evidence, and try to remove the kids from her care. If you don't think that's necessary, then you need to let it go.

Your last post says you had an affair.. "and the only reason I did was..." it's not her fault you had an affair. YOU ultimately made the decision to have an affair. If you were unhappy, you could have chosen to leave the marriage before starting a new relationship. I know many many people have affairs, but you shouldn't blame her for it.. it was your decision.

If my husband had an affair, and we seperated, and a year later he was getting on to me about my new boyfriend, I think I'd tell him to butt out too.

Of course you can keep an eye on things. Of course you have a right to be concerned, but you don't have a right to dictate to her who she should spend time with, or even what she does with the kids on her own time. You can offer to babysit whenever she is stuck, and you can tell her you would rather babysit than have the kids go to a neighbour.. but then the kids might like the novelty of having a sleep over in the neighbours house the odd time?

As I said, NOBODY can fully know what goes on in other people lives.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP - obviously we are only getting your side of the story and your version of events. I am always very very wary of believing second/third/fourth hand information.. no matter how reliable the source. Because unless someone has actually been phsically present at an incident, they cannot confidently report what happened. And sometimes, even when people ARE present, it's THEIR spin on what happened. You've never met this bloke? Have you met all his exes? If you don't personally know him, you can't take as fact everything you are told. Regardless of who is telling you.

I do understand your concerns, but there's nothing you can do about it. She is their mother. As their mother, we have to assume she has their best interests at heart and will look after them while they are in her care. In other words, you have to trust her to take proper care of your children. If you don't trust her to do that, then you need to go further, with sufficient evidence, and try to remove the kids from her care. If you don't think that's necessary, then you need to let it go.

Your last post says you had an affair.. "and the only reason I did was..." it's not her fault you had an affair. YOU ultimately made the decision to have an affair. If you were unhappy, you could have chosen to leave the marriage before starting a new relationship. I know many many people have affairs, but you shouldn't blame her for it.. it was your decision.

If my husband had an affair, and we seperated, and a year later he was getting on to me about my new boyfriend, I think I'd tell him to butt out too.

Of course you can keep an eye on things. Of course you have a right to be concerned, but you don't have a right to dictate to her who she should spend time with, or even what she does with the kids on her own time. You can offer to babysit whenever she is stuck, and you can tell her you would rather babysit than have the kids go to a neighbour.. but then the kids might like the novelty of having a sleep over in the neighbours house the odd time?

As I said, NOBODY can fully know what goes on in other people lives.

God I only posted here cause I was worried about my kids and nothing else, I am not discussing the in's and out's as to my marriage break-up and only wrote it cause was asked but did not expect to have it disected. I have very good sources as to her new blokes behaviour and don't want his actions affecting My Kids.

I don't care what she does with her life and who she goes out with but if some bloke she does not know the real story about and My Kids are in any firing line then it is my concern. She is head over heels in love with this bloke and I am happy that she is but not if it turns sour and he goes psycho on her like his ex's and this time kids are involved, My Kids.

I do offer to mind the kids and do but she also rings up at last minutes seeing if I can mind them but my work hours don't always allow.

I have a say what she does with the kids the same way she does with me when I have the kids.

Yeah I had an affair but I am not telling her she can't see this bloke only I am not happy with his past and hoped she knew the full story and not the fairy tale version he tells her and I think her friends would tell her if they knew as well.

Thanks anyway

skepticalone

hi op , i really feel for you in this horrible situation , its all well and good for people to give an opinion on it , but unless they themselves have been in your shoes , they just wont understand . I have been there , the only difference being that i am a woman and my x acted in the same manner as yours , with the added twist that HE was the immature , spoilt , voilent one and my kids lived in fear of him . My advice? dont let her walk all over you , stand up for yourself and the kids , I did , with no support from anyone . I think you are very level headed and have the best interests of your cildren at heart , its a pity she cant see that .

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I didn't mean to offend you and I apologise if I did. But I was trying to offer another persepctive on it. Of course you have every right to be concerned about your kids. You'd be getting ripped to shreds here if you weren't! But you also have to trust her to take care of them.

Have they met this bloke? Yes, he sounds like bad news, and if it was a member of my family seeing someone like him I would be very very very wary. But, you also have to trust her. He has a past.. he may or may not act like that in the future. If he does, best you can do is be there (without saying I told you so).

I do think she is being a bit immature about it, and attacking you because she perceives you as attacking her. But maybe now you have planted a seed. She may not want to admit to you that you could be right, but she might consider it over the next while and start to see traits in him she's wary of. She will never admit it was YOU who made her examine it, but now that you have planted the seed, all you can do is let it grow.

What I meant by not having a say in what she does is or vice versa is.. if she wants to go out, and get a babysitter or send the kids somewhere, and you are not available to mind them, then you can't say she shouldn't send them to the neighbour. I know sometimes she asks you at short notice and you can't mind them.. but things sometimes happen at short notice!

Again I want to stress... I completely understand where YOU are coming from.. but I was just trying to offer what might be HER perspective on it. Which is: you had an affair, she now has a new boyfriend, you don't know him, you've never met him, but yet you seem to know everything about him. Whether she admits it or not, she won't want to take your word over that of her new fella. She won't want to admit that there is a possibility you are right, because that would mean that she is wrong. And nobody likes admitting (especially to exes!) that they are wrong. And if it was a friend telling her this, rather than her ex she might be more inclined to listen!

Again, I want to apologise if I offended you, but I won't apologise for offering an alternative view point to you.. that is after all why we post on public forums!

LegacyUser

skepticalone wrote: »

hi op , i really feel for you in this horrible situation , its all well and good for people to give an opinion on it , but unless they themselves have been in your shoes , they just wont understand . I have been there , the only difference being that i am a woman and my x acted in the same manner as yours , with the added twist that HE was the immature , spoilt , voilent one and my kids lived in fear of him . My advice? dont let her walk all over you , stand up for yourself and the kids , I did , with no support from anyone . I think you are very level headed and have the best interests of your cildren at heart , its a pity she cant see that .

Cheers, I am saying no more to her and spoiling my kids for xmas as I am off work so will see them on Xmas morning before they go away to her family up the country and won't see them until the new year.

Reason - I am working after St Stephens day onwards

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I didn't mean to offend you and I apologise if I did. But I was trying to offer another persepctive on it. Of course you have every right to be concerned about your kids. You'd be getting ripped to shreds here if you weren't! But you also have to trust her to take care of them.

Have they met this bloke? Yes, he sounds like bad news, and if it was a member of my family seeing someone like him I would be very very very wary. But, you also have to trust her. He has a past.. he may or may not act like that in the future. If he does, best you can do is be there (without saying I told you so).

I do think she is being a bit immature about it, and attacking you because she perceives you as attacking her. But maybe now you have planted a seed. She may not want to admit to you that you could be right, but she might consider it over the next while and start to see traits in him she's wary of. She will never admit it was YOU who made her examine it, but now that you have planted the seed, all you can do is let it grow.

What I meant by not having a say in what she does is or vice versa is.. if she wants to go out, and get a babysitter or send the kids somewhere, and you are not available to mind them, then you can't say she shouldn't send them to the neighbour. I know sometimes she asks you at short notice and you can't mind them.. but things sometimes happen at short notice!

Again I want to stress... I completely understand where YOU are coming from.. but I was just trying to offer what might be HER perspective on it. Which is: you had an affair, she now has a new boyfriend, you don't know him, you've never met him, but yet you seem to know everything about him. Whether she admits it or not, she won't want to take your word over that of her new fella. She won't want to admit that there is a possibility you are right, because that would mean that she is wrong. And nobody likes admitting (especially to exes!) that they are wrong. And if it was a friend telling her this, rather than her ex she might be more inclined to listen!

Again, I want to apologise if I offended you, but I won't apologise for offering an alternative view point to you.. that is after all why we post on public forums!

No Worries and get what you mean, I have been out with people since the marriage break up and one was serious but I was very slow in introducing my kids to her and in the long run I was right not to, she only met my youngest one. I just want the kids to have a normal up bringing and to know that I am there for them always. Yes I know things about him but Ireland is very small and I know alot of people and she knows that. For now I am saying no more to her about him or anything else. She knows how I feel and knows where I stand on him.