How to deal with coworker

LegacyUser

So....I am a 26 year old woman and am currently doing a type of paid internship in a very large organisation, outside Ireland. I'm the only Irish person there and while I do speak another language and am well travelled, I just feel so out of place here. The worst thing is that I just don't get along with my coworker, the woman who shares my office. Not sure how relevant the (possible) cultural difference is, especially since she's married to an Englishman but I had to include it for context.

So as I'm an intern, I'm obviously on the bottom rung of the ladder. I'm well aware of that and fine with that. What annoys me is being treated like a child. My coworker keeps saying things like 'when you start working, you'll get a shock' even though I have been working full time for the last four years! I'm not some clueless new graduate. I have taken a pretty big step backwards to come here (was made redundant back home) and was prepared to be a bit of a dogsbody, but I just don't like not being thought of as an adult. She isn't even that much older than me, mid thirties at most. I find it really condescending that she's always giving me this advice as if she's old and wise and I know nothing about anything.

Another thing that really bothers me is that she seems to think I have to act meek and mild because I'm an intern. One of the problems I had back home was that I did not appear 'confident' enough, did not make small talk in the office enough etc, so I've been making a big effort here to talk to everyone and join in. The coworker is often grand to talk to but she always warns me about 'overstepping the mark' when I honestly don't think I have. Sure, I sometimes talk in a chummy way, because we're office mates and we have coffee together, and she isn't my boss but I really don't think I'm being rude. I'll give an example of what happened today. She opened her umbrella in the office to let it dry out, and I joked about it bringing bad luck for us (explaining that in Ireland a lot of people think this). This evening, before we left, the heavens opened and it started absolutely LASHING with rain, another colleague popped in and jokingly said 'ah what did we do to deserve this?' and I said 'ah, sure, it's X's fault, she opened her umbrella inside haha'. Well my office mate suddenly went VERY frosty and said something about me getting too 'clever' for an intern. I was really mortified. Sure, it was a mild slagging, but very, very mild, and nothing at all personal. I was being mock-annoyed and she took it totally seriously. This isn't the first time this has happened either, a couple of weeks ago, she was late back from lunch after attending a meeting and for some reason explained to me where she'd been. I said 'ah don't worry, I didn't tell anyone you were at the shops' and she went mad again. At first I thought she was joking as well, I mean, how could anyone take such a faecitious comment seriously? I should add she's very serious about her job, works hard, works late every day, sure that was the joke!

So am I overstepping the mark, or is she just oversensitive? I should add that she acts like this with most people (not getting jokes etc) but with me it always has this undertone of 'who do you think you are, talking to me like that?' I have a cheeky/silly sense of humour, that's who I am. I wouldn't talk to my boss like that, but I see no harm in doing it with colleagues once it is mild and nothing personal or insulting. As I said, I'm a professional woman going in for a career change, not an 18-year-old. How can I deal with this situation? Has anyone else dealt with a person like this who takes everything literally? I got so angry today that I just sat in silence after that but it's not very adult like to sulk so I'm going to have to get over it. I know barbed comments would work (as she's so good at it herself) but I don't want to create a bitchy atmosphere. What do I do?

shinikins

I've had to start from scratch career-wise and its very difficult so i understand somewhat your situation. To me, it sounds more like a personality clash, perhaps it is due to cultural differences. Many people overseas just don't get the typical Irish humour, and think we're odd(I've found my German uncle in particular to be puzzled by our humour and he's been married to my aunt for 20+ years now!)

If it were me, i think i would sit her down over coffee and explain to her that your feeling frustrated in your attempts to befriend her, for the sake of peace i'd be inclined to say "look, i know that some of my remarks may have come across in the wrong way to you but i mean them in the best way, and thats how Irish people are, i'm not saying these things to hurt you" but be aware that you may have to tone your comments back to compromise.

If she says that your only an intern and should know your place, i'd put her straight, yes you are interning but you have x amount of years working professionally and you are well aware of how to act. She may be feeling a little put out by you coming into her environment and be so able, when she was expecting a typical intern who would be asking questions all the time. It might well be a good time to air your own feelings as regards being treated like a child, but remain polite and pleasant whilst you do it.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I'd cut the humour.

You say you wouldn't joke like that with your boss - why? Maybe you're aware that it comes across as a little lacking in respect. Well, your co-worker is entitled to respect too, she's not your mate. The bottom line is, if she finds it offensive then it's not on to continue with it.

It's difficult if it's only the two of you in the office. Try to be nice to her, instead of jokey.

dazberry

She is treating you like a clueless intern because on some level in her mind - you threaten her. It's really just her insecurities playing up and so she has to put one over on you as much to lift herself up as to put you down. Best thing to do is not react to her, let her indulge herself in her little fantasy world, smile/laugh off her "advice" and let it wash off like water off a ducks back.

In relation to the jokes issue, while it's debatable whether she has a sense of humour or it being a cultural thing - and while it's nicer to have people to have fun and joke with, I think it's best to give her a wide berth. She's not going to recognise you as someone witty and funny as much as she's not going to tell you you're doing a good job or give you helpful advice.

I would also suggest that sitting down and discussing it with her is just "feeding" her, giving her recognition of the power she wants to have over you.

D.

COYW

dazberry wrote: »

She is treating you like a clueless intern because on some level in her mind - you threaten her. It's really just her insecurities playing up and so she has to put one over on you as much to lift herself up as to put you down.

Agree with you 100%. I would hedge my bets that the co-worker is a lifer in that company too. She is just trying to control you and mould you into the type of worker who will not threaten her position. This kind of thing happens all the time. I used to see it regularly when I worked in the bank. My advice is to completely ignore her negative remarks. You are probably doing a good job and she doesnt like that.

Beruthiel

She's a woman with a poker up her ass and no sense of humour.
Quit making an effort with her, stick to the work, remain professional and don't bother with the jokes. They're lost on her.

tbh

when I worked in Australia, I was amazed at the lack of banter in the office compared with home. Same in the States, now that I think of it. Maybe it's just a cultural thing, although it does sound like this woman is particularly uptight.

Bananawoman

I was an intern in a foreign country and worked overseas for 8 years. The jokes you have made are not funny or professional. Its not 'friendly' to imply to a colleague more senior or junior than you that you have her back when she is skiving off work (the going to the shops comment....very thoughtless). Irish banter generally includes the insecurities of the person who is saying the banter, it is usually very backhanded in nature, just think about what usual Irish banter contains and the way it is delivered....its actually not nice no matter if its only 'banter' or 'taking the piss'. My take on your 2 particular situations...

1. Umbrella comment: Maybe she is a little sensitive here but you made your joke the first time. Then saying it again to another colleague who wouldnt know the context in a joking way must have seemed like you were getting at her. You are an intern and I think I would feel a bit like you were being a bit disrespectful and overly familiar too about that situation.

2. The shops comment: oh my goodness, listen to what you said. You are watching her every movement and also accused her of skiving off work. (at least that is how I believe she felt when you said that).

Basically you need to be friendly but not overly familiar until you earn that. You also need to understand that you are not in Ireland and its you who needs to adapt and be professional. As an intern, you do need to suck it up but if you are polite and respectful, they should be as good back to you. You sound like a nice girl but if you want an international career, keep the quirky Irish friendliness until you are in a position that you can get away with it.

Bananawoman

Bananawoman wrote: »

I was an intern in a foreign country and worked overseas for 8 years. The jokes you have made are not funny or professional. Its not 'friendly' to imply to a colleague more senior or junior than you that you have her back when she is skiving off work (the going to the shops comment....very thoughtless). Irish banter generally includes the insecurities of the person who is saying the banter, it is usually very backhanded in nature, just think about what usual Irish banter contains and the way it is delivered....its actually not nice no matter if its only 'banter' or 'taking the piss'. My take on your 2 particular situations...

I couldn't agree less. What is described in the OP is NOT Irish banter at all. Irish banter is often directly picking on something that someone is sensitive about (big ears, beer belly, whatever) and is usually done between friends for obvious reasons. I don't really get it myself, I think it's often just mean, but plenty of people seem to find it funny. Where in the OP do you see an example of this?

1. Umbrella comment: Maybe she is a little sensitive here but you made your joke the first time. Then saying it again to another colleague who wouldnt know the context in a joking way must have seemed like you were getting at her. You are an intern and I think I would feel a bit like you were being a bit disrespectful and overly familiar too about that situation.

Well, without even hearing the first bit, I'd say anyone with half a brain would realise it was a joke, if it was said in a jokey tone, with a smile, let alone the subject being something so obviously silly (implying that a person can control the weather). It's not at all like saying something like 'we're all staying late because YOU didn't finish your work' which could indeed be construed as a dig. I can't imagine being so humorless that I would take such a comment seriously, let alone actually be offended by it, and I don't think it's culture or language specific.

2. The shops comment: oh my goodness, listen to what you said. You are watching her every movement and also accused her of skiving off work. (at least that is how I believe she felt when you said that).

I'm guessing it was meant to be funny because it wasn't true. The same way my college friends called me the Dunce (I did well in college) or a Spanish model friend of mine is known as La Fea (the ugly one). If it were true, you'd never say it! If the woman is hard working and conscientious, why on earth would she take a joke about her skiving off to the shops seriously? That would only be rude if she actually did do that.

Basically you need to be friendly but not overly familiar until you earn that. You also need to understand that you are not in Ireland and its you who needs to adapt and be professional. As an intern, you do need to suck it up but if you are polite and respectful, they should be as good back to you. You sound like a nice girl but if you want an international career, keep the quirky Irish friendliness until you are in a position that you can get away with it.

I think the real problem is that some people just have no sense of humour when it comes to themselves. Any kind of joke or comment is taken as an attack, no matter how banal or harmless. If someone told me they were offended by jokes like the above, I'd respect their opinion but I'd never trust or banter with them again and stick to working in silence, rather than worrying that they'll take offence at some innocent remark. There are dry sh1tes everywhere, Ireland included and they ruin the atmosphere for everyone else. The remarks about being 'too smart for an intern' also stink of a superiority complex - who on earth does she think she is? She's a colleague, not a direct boss or supervisor. She doesn't sound worthy of the effort.

herya

I don't know where you're based now but it might be down to cultural difference (plus possibly some degree of personality clash). I am Polish and I had to make an effort to get used to Irish slagging, since back there it would be considered aggressive and overstepping the mark (unless you're really good friends, and I am using the word friend in the most personal meaning, not just someone you meet twice a year). Otherwise it's an "I don't like you" message. and you wouldn't do it to a random coworker. Perhaps if you get on fabulously... but not in front of others anyway.

BostonB

Some people are up for a bit of banter, some aren't. You'd got to judge that yourself, and I think in this case, I'd just drop it. They aren't the right people for that.

For me even in Ireland joking about someone skiving off work is only ok between good friends, and then some may take it badly. Especially if they are actually skiving or are working their ass off, for a specific reason. People can be sensitive about that kinda stuff. Sick days, lateness etc. The umbrella think is harmless, but Irish humor doesn't always travel well, and many other countries, they really get annoyed by trivial chat, or banter. Ditto joking about luck. Some people really get bothered with the idea of good/bad luck and take it seriously, or it annoys them. The intern stuff I think you have to prove by doing, rather than saying.

Sometimes its the people that make a place/job, rather than the work itself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice everyone.

I forgot to add in the OP that the thing is, my coworker is CONSTANTLY slagging me. Sometimes it's all in good fun and other times it's what I would consider rude, but I always take it. Some of the stuff she says is really snide, like when I mentioned that I'd enjoyed being back home in Ireland for the weekend and eating Irish food again, she made a snide remark about not having any tastebuds, as if Irish food is disgusting. One day last week she asked if I'd put on weight since I've been here. I was like 'eh, no...' (I'm a size 10) and then she commented on the fact that I eat little buns every morning with my coffee (I live in basic rented accommodation without a proper kitchen so don't eat breakfast, but what's it to her?) I obviously looked a bit miffed because she said 'oh I'm just joking' but there really wasn't any joke in there at all. So do you know what I mean? The stuff she says IS really rude and personal and that's why I got so annoyed about her getting offended about a ridiculous comment which wasn't personal at all. I just don't think that's fair that she gets to say whatever she likes and I'm not allowed to banter or mess because I'm 'just' an intern. To me, respect goes both ways.

BostonB

Have you asked her to stop?

curlzy

Ok you need to get this straight in your head: She's not your friend. She's blatently not your friend at all, she's slagging you and she can't accept slagging back. So keep it professional, yeah it's a pity you can't have a laugh with her but to be fair she sounds like a total bitch so she wouldn't make a good friend anyway. From now on just keep it professional, only discuss work and if she slags you just repeat after every one of her comments "don't speak to me like that, it's not professional", that should be your new mantra. Also when she gives you unwanted advise say "if I want your advise I'll ask for it". At the end of the day she sounds like she's very threatened by you, if she is tough **** for her, dont' bow down to her. Don't let her into your head. Just have standard responses for her and don't give her more of your head space. Just concentrate on being awesome at your job, it'll drive her nucking futs

LegacyUser

I have worked in an international office also with colleagues from different countries. Yes she has a stick up her ass but I don't agree with your approach. She is established there, you are not. She is a permanent member of staff, no matter what you have done before in her orbit you are an intern. You've tested her out to see if she is any fun, she's not. From now on keep it strictly boring and professional and have the craic with the more friendly colleagues at lunch. Your jokes are distressing her and there is no point in joining in her silly snide comments game. Give simple responses about your plans after work and shrug off her snide comments. Don't sit down with her and have a chat about your failed 'friendship' for god sake that will just get her back up and a trip to h.r. and a request for you to be moved to a different office might be made. Sense of humour is different in different countries and sometimes we Irish aren't as clever as we think we are. Keep it professional don't sulk.