Is it worth having a long distance relationship?

Rocket19

I met this guy in May who is from Belfast. I'm from Dublin but he was working as a club promoter here over Summer and that's how we met.
We were 'seeing' eachother for the whole summer, but inevitably, he had to go home to Belfast for uni in September.
I obviously knew this was going to happen, but it didn't make it any easier. I had grown pretty close to him over the 3/4 months.

Anyway, although I swore I wouldn't, I kept in contact with him over facebook, txt and msn. He's never out of my head.
We've met up four times since he left. It's really not enough for me, I was used to seeing him pretty much every day - but we have to deal with the fact that neither of us have the time or money to be making 3 hour train journeys every weekend.
It's just a suckish

Anyway, he always talks about how crap the situation is, but at the same time, says he still wants it to work out, "it's worth it" and that we can still be a couple.
I just don't know what to do.
He keeps asking me to be his girlfriend and I keep saying no. Not because I don't want to be (I really, really like him) but because I just feel like it's pointless. Is there any point in having a bf you can only see once or twice a month?

A few weeks ago, I kissed a guy in a club, felt (extremely) guilty and told him about it. At first he seemed quite unphased about it but later that night told me that he was quite jealous and mad about it.
Also, he recently got pretty upset because I left a comment on a guy-friend's page on facebook calling him "cute" (complete over-reaction by him imo but anyway). He said "I know I have no right to be mad" but he was still really jealous apparently and barely talked to me for two days.

I think the problems is that emotionally, we are bf and gf, while it's only our 'label' that says we're just 'seeing' eachother. We met 7 months ago ffs!
I know in the end, the decision is mine, but I just want advice I guess. I feel like i'm hitting a brick wall.
In my mind, the main problem is that I'm only in second year of uni and he's in first. Realistically, our living arrangements aren't going to change anytime soon.
Can this kind of relationship work? Or should I just end it to save myself/him the heartbreak? We're both so young but I am really crazy about him

LegacyUser

hiya rocket19, I think it would be a shame to end things when you really like him as much as you seem to over a distance that isn't very far at all. when I read the thread title I was expecting one of you to have moved to Australia!
In reality it would be easy enough to see each other every weekend, if not more often (although I don't know how much spare time you have). Do either of you drive? If so you are only looking at an hour and a half's drive, and the train is only 2 hours.
I suppose I have experience in both long distance relationships and belfast-dublin commuting which is why I am writing this- my bf is in Scotland- I can only fly to see him once a month, so if he was only down the M1 things would be great to me! I also commuted Belfast to Dublin for work every day for 4 months last year, so do not let the distance put you off.
My advice would be to give it a chance, good luck!

prinz

No one can tell you if it's worth it or not. You have to decide if the relationship would be worth it.

Tbh it doesn't sound to me as if you are ready for a relationship.

LegacyUser

Hey I just went through the same problem there recently. Met a guy, hung out a month and been seeing each other every month for a weekend for the last 6 months. Then it ended.
Here's what happened:
When we first started seeing each other he was mad keen to give it a go, I, having experience in long distance rel. was reluctant and told him no. Once I moved back we kept in touch he made the first move to fly out. So, next few months we're flying back and forth, all goes well, I have doubts but the more I hang with him, the more I like him. I know there's no future though as realistically we can't afford to see each other more often, nor will we be in teh same country for a few years.

So, he makes his last visit there a few weeks back and tells me he has all these doubts, can't see a way around our distance and he has no plans to move country, I agree and tell him I feel the same. Then he tells me he can't get more emotionally involved than he is, but still wants to give it a shot. I say whats the point in continuing if ur pulling back ur heart..that'll make me insecure and I'll start fighting and getting jealous. So, long story, I told him it's done but he wants to try.
He returns to his country and sure enough, a week later we're in a row with me being jealous he's in contact with an ex, cos I'm now insecure knowign his heart isn't in it, and that he was having so much trouble wtih teh distance. So, after the row I get the email that he doesn't feel emotionally involved and can't do the distance we're through.

Long story short, by that stage I felt quite strongly about him, because I knew the problems of distance but was willing to give it a shot, he only thought about the problems later and then started to pull back. Sounds like ur the guy in this story - u've already put distance between urselves by kissing someone else, and being reluctant. Now he's in the position of having lost trust, and having no contact with u to build it and know ur heart is really in it this time, and sounds like it's not anyhow. So, he'll probably over react to every comment and start picking jealous rows, and u'll withdraw more and more from his behaviour till one or both calls it quits. Long distance works but u both need to have a strong steady base to work from and it doesnt sound like its there with u two, maybe had u been together longer before the distance. Also, ur young, and it's hard to live without physical contact for a month at a time. It's not worth the heartache later on, if the distance was for a short time i'd advise giving it a shot, but otherwise no.

LegacyUser

imo long distance realtionships dont work unless there is an end game in sight.
If hes only in first year of uni then im guessing it would be 2 - 3 years at least until
ye could ge back together in the same place.
In my experience what happens is both parties get fustrated that they cant see each other
when they feel like it, i.e during the week etc... Fustration will also creep in as ye will
be forced to spend every weekend when possible seeeing each other as that is the only chnace ye have. You will also be woundering what she/he is doing when ur not around. Him espically now seeing as you told him you kissed someone else a few weeks ago.

You are probally quite young as your only in 2nd year in college so if i were you i would forget about it. Enjoy college night life, When your finished colllege and if both in the same place then carry on.

TomBeckett

Hello.
Dublin to belfast should not be a problem.. I met my fieance when i was on holiday here in Thailand 3 years ago and we only could see each other every 4 months i could get time off to fly over and same with her she came to ireland 3 times and getting her a holiday visa was a complete f**king nightmare.. and it was pure hell leaving each other at airports and knowing that we would not see each other for some time... plus the flights cost a fortune.. But it is worth it.. I moved to Thailand 3 months ago as things are ****e in ireland and i dont mean just the weather!!:rolleyes: and We are now getting married next may... so i say keep at it and things will work out!!:p

LegacyUser

firstly you don't need to 'define your relationship', you're clearly in boyfriend girlfriend territory. it's only a couple of weeks to christmas and if you are both in college you will have long holidays - spend a week or two together between the two places and talk it out. embrace it fully - don't hold back, it's better to have loved and lost etc.

when you both head back to college try to discuss an 'open relationship' where you are both guilt free to have random encounters with whoever - its 1st year college, experiment!

go up to belfast every month to keep in touch but ffs, don't tell him about they guys you've scored. belfast is really close, my OH is a 2 hour flight away (we see eachother once a month) we manage because its only temporary, i will move there in 6 months. so we stay faithful to eachother. but i think your situation is different, try to keep it more open-ended.

try it out! you're only young once!

Rocket19

longerdistance wrote: »

when you both head back to college try to discuss an 'open relationship' where you are both guilt free to have random encounters with whoever - its 1st year college, experiment!

go up to belfast every month to keep in touch but ffs, don't tell him about they guys you've scored. belfast is really close, my OH is a 2 hour flight away (we see eachother once a month) we manage because its only temporary, i will move there in 6 months. so we stay faithful to eachother. but i think your situation is different, try to keep it more open-ended.

try it out! you're only young once!

Thanks for the answers guys!
The more I think about it, the more I feel a bit smothered by him. Every time I go out, he's on the phone to me after, going "so you get with anyone then?". Saying it in a 'joking' way...but still, asking.

The facebook thing was actually the reason I asked the question on here. The situation was that one of my friends put up a new profiler, I made some comment going "haha you're so cute" and he replied back saying "nahh youre cuter!l"
COMPLETELY trivial thing which he went mad over. This guy is my friend and nothing more. When I actually found out he was angry over it, I could barely even take it seriously tbh. I mean, facebook!
I think i'd be a bit taken aback if I saw something similar on his page, but I certainly wouldn't get mad, confront him, or give him the cold shoulder like he's currently doing me :mad:

I think his behavior throws me off a bit seeing as he didn't seem this way over Summer. He's quite possessive.
It's funny but I don't really believe he's been totally 'faithful' either. He is gorgeous looking and has had a lot of 'experience'. Still swears blind he hasn't got with anyone but this seems weird for a guy who's never had a gf before but has had over 10 one-night-stands :rolleyes:

I personally would be into a sort of 'open' relationship, at least for the time being, but I absolutely know he wouldn't be. His automatic reaction would be "i'm not enough for you then?".
Funny enough, there was an 'incident' a few weeks ago when he went to a house party and slept in the same bed as a girl who he knows fancies him. Now he told me about this casually, nothing happened, but I couldn't help thinking to myself that he would FREAK if I had shared a bed with a dude who liked me. Didn't say anything to him though. lol

Problem is, I think he takes the relationship a bit more seriously than me. I've actually scored another guy also that I did not tell him about (or in my first post :S). He always saying "I love you" which I never say back. I do fancy him and really like him and don't want to cut contact, but I don't know if I can handle him being so far. (I know people are saying Belfast isn't far but it sure seems that way :rolleyes:)
I reallllllly feel like a bad person, maybe I am, but is he being unfair or am I?

Sorry, long-ass post.

Zeouterlimits

Sounds like ye want different things Rocket19, I'd say sit him down and say what you just wrote.

Roadtrippin

It's clear you're both into each other but it seems the distance is too much for you too handle.
Just talk to him about what you really feel otherwise he may get upset again next time you're out clubbing... Some people may think an open relationship is the answer to distance. I personally don't think it works if one side is more invested or in love than the other. He certainly thinks of you as his girlfriend otherwise he wouldn't have gotten so upset before so talk to him is my advise before you end up damaging your relationship/friendship with him.