Boyfriend's family never passed on their condolelences

LegacyUser

I'll keep this brief but my father passed away last week and only one of my boyfriend's family has passed on their condolelences and that was his mother, i can't understand it we get on well,i'm going out with him for five years, i didnt expect them to come to the funeral as they live far away but i atleast expected a phonecall or text.

I feel so disrespected, i have helped them over the years, my boyfriend is going mad over it, i don't know whether i should say it to them or not as i don't like fighting, i mean his brothers and sisters are all adults and atleast should know the right thing to do.

Feel free to tell me your opinons.

Thanks

Cheap Thrills!

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss OP. May your Dad Rest in peace.

That is really awful OP. Something similar happened to my sister when our Mam died. None of her husbands family really awknowledged it/came to the funeral etc. She knows them over 20 years. Oddball behaviour tbh.

All I can say is there is no accounting for peoples insensitivty at times like these. There is no excuse for it. It's disgraceful behaviour.

I'd leave your BF to confront them and get an explanation. An explanation and an apology is needed here, no two ways about it.

Zen65

mad222 wrote: »

i didnt expect them to come to the funeral as they live far away but i atleast expected a phonecall or text.

OP, firstly - my sympathies to you for your loss. I understand the depth of feeling you would have after such an event, and the extent to which it alters your life, and your perceptions.

Expressing condolences after a bereavement is difficult for many people, especially if they did not actually know the deceased. Personally I would never do it by text, and I much prefer to offer my sympathies in person rather than do so over the phone. The difficulty arises because over the phone the sympathiser must express his or her sympathies in words, and very many people cannot do this well and would be embarrassed to try. Having not experienced loss in the way you just did, they do not understand that even an awkward phone-call where they may struggle to speak eloquently or sympathetically is a comfort, as it unites your grief with the goodwill of others. If your boyfriend's parents are both alive then his brothers and sisters will not even have a common frame of reference to use as a basis for putting sentences together over a phone.

In person it is possible to express the sense of sympathy simply by putting an arm around you, giving a hug or holding your hand warmly.

Your boyfriend's father (if he is alive) may feel that his wife offering her sympathies represented his own sympathies also.... this is natural even if it's a little old-fashioned.

As for his siblings, I'm sure they will offer their sympathies when they next meet you. I think it is best not to raise the issue with them yourself, it would come across in a way you probably don't intend. If anyone should speak to them about it it's your boyfriend, but in fairness that probably would place a strain in your relationship which would be unhelpful.

Do not dwell on the matter. If you have enjoyed a good relationship with them up to now you can be assured that they genuinely feel for your loss, and would wish to comfort you if they knew how, and especially if they understood how much that expression of condolence means to you. In the days and weeks following the loss of your father it is all too easy to be distracted by emotions which seem unrelated to the loss, but most often this is just grief visiting you in another guise.

Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo

Could it be they are waiting to see you in person? Some people are not very good at gauging what is the appropriate response when dealing with death and the bereaved. They may have felt/feel uneasy phoning someone that they know but aren't actually close to a week after losing a parent and may not wish not encroach on your grieving unaware that you'd actually quite like them to.

Grief is very personal and people often have a habit of being over-cautious not to cause harm by lumbering in and making you discuss your loss and their silence offends anyway. Although it's comforting to get condolences, I would really try not to dwell on not getting any and see it as a personal slight, you need to look after yourself and process your grief, getting annoyed at someone else's relations and their lack of tact/thoughtfulness serves no purpose.

All the best.

astra2000

Hi op I too am sorry for your loss and I know this is a very hard time for you.
I would just like to add that while there is no real excuse for them not offering their condolences everyone is different. I come from a small town where it is common practice to attend a funeral even if you didnt know the person but just a member of their family or even an inlaw for example lots of my family members and locals travelled over100 miles recently to attend my uncle in laws sisters funeral this would be the norm. My husband comes from a nearby bigger town and I doubt any of his family would do the same thing, only one or two of them would have attended my grandparents funerals and I dont think the others even acknowledged them.
Try and put them out of your mind, it probably is more thoughtlessness than a deliberate attempt to hurt you there is no point argueing, but there is no reason that at some stage your bf doesnt mention how dissappointed you both were.

cafecolour

Maybe they thought their mother passed on condolences from the whole family as such?

Cheap Thrills!

I don't really think the Mother giving her condolences excuses them in any way. And neither is the idea that people 'might feel uncomfortable'. That's just selfish. Everyone feels uncomfortable searching for the right words to say to the bereaved. But it's a non-negotiable part of being an adult in this society.

The point is you try, you go along, you show your face. You shake the persons hand. Go to either the removal or funeral or both. It's not something you wriggle out of with childish excuses of 'I didn't know what to say' -No-one knows what to say.

It's her boyfriends family. They have been going out for 5 years. I'm sure she feels she is part of their family and then her Dad passes away and none of them go along and only the Mother mentions it??

That is a serious social gaffe on their part.

LegacyUser

OP, I would like to extend my sincere condolences. My father also passed away last week so I felt the need to reply to your thread. I feel sorry for you, it is very upsetting that your boyfriends family failed to acknowledge such a major event in your life.
I'm sure,like me you will have been gobsmacked by all the support you have received by people in the last week, some people really open your eyes when it comes to rallying around. My advice to you is to focus on the people who have been good to you, spend your energy on these people from now on and chalk everything else down to experience. Getting frustrated at people who didnt step up to the mark will only wear you out and possibly cause conflict that wont do you any favours in the future. Next time you meet the family you are entitled to be a bit cool with them, but take a step back, focus on your relationship with your boyfriend and focus on yourself!
Mind yourself.

tenchi-fan

I'm sorry for your loss.

Different people deal with death in different ways so you shouldn't impose your view of right and wrong on them.
If they bumped into you in the month following the death I am sure they would say "sorry for your loss" but the fact is, they didn't.

As cafecolour suggested, the phonecall from the mother should be sufficient so don't try to fall out with your bf's entire family or drag him into your grievance. You certainly shouldn't stir trouble over this.

LegacyUser

op here, thanks everyone, as i said i really don't want an arguement about it especially at this time but i still feel my boyfriend should say something along the lines of 'i'm very dissappointed in ye' and see what they say.

What i have learned from this is that there are a lot of decent people around but then their are some people that don't have any common decency like his family.