Boyfriend going distant?

LegacyUser

Hi all, going unreg for this one. Basically I met my boyfriend on a night out, he came chatting me up and I was having none of it, wasn't interested at all. He asked me my name, added my on Facebook and chased me for a few weeks until I agreed to a date. It's all been going great since then, he told me he loves me, has never met anyone like me. He was 100% single when we met and asked me to be his girlfriend after a month together, saying that I was like no girl he ever met.

The only problem is that we are in completely different counties, and have been since the beginning of the relationship. We are about a 2 hour drive from each other, and there is no way our circumstances can change at the moment as we both need to stay where we are with work commitments. We see each other every weekend, and make time together. We talk every day, over instant messaging or text.

However, recently he has been a bit hot and cold. One day he'll say how much he misses me and talk about how he feels and tell me how much he loves me, the next he wont be very talkative and just give one word answers, or be vague about plans we make at weekends.

Tonight he was very off and I was quite tired so I text him to say sorry for being tired and that I'd talk to him tomorrow. He said that it was fine and he wasnt exactly in the greatest form either. I told him that it was ok, and I understood that it was hard to talk every day and not be able to see each other. He replied saying that he was feeling distant lately and that he didnt know why, which has made me quite worried. I asked him should I be concerned, and if there was anything I could do, and that I'd rather know now than down the line, and he just replied that I have nothing to fear and he loves me.

Nothing has changed, I havent changed nor has I, situation is still the same. I feel like he's getting frustrated with the distance though!

Can anyone give me some advice? Im very worried I'll lose him, he's the best thing that's happened to me!

Monkey61

How long have you been together? Sorry if I missed that bit.

I've been with my girflfriend for 8 months and have a similar situation and we can only see eachother at weekends. It's great to be honest. Lots of time to do our own thing and then something fun to look forward to at the weekend. It's not ideal sometimes as we can never just pop around to eachother's houses, but it's a small price to pay for a great relationship.

Anyway, I think we would go mad if we felt we had to be in contact everyday. He's probably not getting frustrated by the distance (it really isn't that much distance) but by the having to speak everyday and have something to say.

Myself and my girlfriend, might send a few texts in the evening, but generally to recommend songs, flirt a bit, something sexy etc - we don't do the "how's your day? How are you?" boring stuff. And for the first few months we wouldn't have been in contact everyday at all. We just got on with our lives and looked forward to seeing eachother.

The upshot of this, is that it has never gotten boring. My heart still leaps when my phone beeps and it is her. I really look forward to seeing her at the weekend and have loads to say to her.

Is it possible that if he is "the best thing that has happened" to you, that you are being too needy? Or being in too much contact? Are you living your own life during the week and having loads to talk about at the weekend? Are you seeming interesting or are you devoting too much of your own time to this relationship?

Kiera

If he says everything is ok then take his word for it. No point reading into things. It will only do your nut in.

Miss Fluff

worried_and_confused wrote: »

Basically I met my boyfriend on a night out, he came chatting me up and I was having none of it, wasn't interested at all. He asked me my name, added my on Facebook and chased me for a few weeks until I agreed to a date. It's all been going great since then, he told me he loves me, has never met anyone like me.

How long have you been going out OP?

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for the replies, we have been going out nearly 5 months. It could be the having to talk everyday thing, e says hes not a big fan of texting. Ill try dropping back contact to see if that makes a difference.

Miss Fluff

There could be a multiplicity of different reasons so I'd be inclined to talk to him about it face-to-face. If your gut is telling you there is something wrong then there probably is.

He could suffer from depression or bipolar (bipolar would account for the being really lovey-dovey and then distant and monosyllabic), he might find the constant contact smothering (is it you that instigates it mostly?), he might have a worry that he doesn't feel in a position to discuss with you (private family matter for instance), he might be tired/stressed....who knows?

The only thing I will say is, and you're not going to like it, is that those relationships where the guy is REALLY intense and really full-on and effusive from the get-go normally have a pretty short shelf-life. They can often just fizzle out before they have begun because the level of intensity is ridiculous. I'm ALL for passion and fire don't get me wrong, but I'm probably a bit older than you and I think when meeting someone it's best to take it slowly and see where it all takes you rather than tell each other you're the love of one another's life and it ends in tears within a matter of months....

Cut back on the contact for now as these strained phonecalls are obviously causing upset and talk about this properly when you meet up again at the weekend. There's no point in second guessing yourself and jumping to any conclusions.

Hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. Thanks for all the advice so far, I really appreciate it. It is so hard not to contact him, I messaged him yesterday just to say that if there was something bothering him to let me know as I'd rather know now than down the line, I left it at that and havent contacted him since. We are both currently online right now and I havent messaged him, nor has he messaged me, which is cause for worry, as I thought I would get a response to that message. I'm just concerned he will decide to break up with me before we get a chance to talk about it at the weekend

lazygal

OP, I was going out with a guy for six months and he eased off on the contact. I deluded myself with excuses as to why, he didn't like texting, he was busy with work etc.

He ended up dumping me by text, saying we should see eachother as friends. I've had other friends have the same experiance. If you have to ask why he hasn't been in touch, I hate to say it but he's lost interest or is thinking of breaking it off.

I wish someone had told me this years ago, I would have saved myself a lot of tears and emotion wondering what I had done wrong or putting up with being ignored.

Novella

Miss Fluff wrote: »

He could suffer from depression or bipolar (bipolar would account for the being really lovey-dovey and then distant and monosyllabic)

No offence, but I think that this piece of advice is just a bit rash. If the OP's boyfriend was suffering from a serious mental illness such as bi-polar disorder, I'm sure that there would be other signs and symptoms. Suggesting that he may be bi-polar because some days he is less talkative than others is all kinds of extreme imo.

Miss Fluff

I can see your point Novella but the only thing is she only sees him at the weekends so it could feasibly be quite easy to conceal it (and stay out of her way) if having a depressive or manic episode? Am only saying because I've been out with someone who has it and if rapid cycling it can be easy enough to just be in touch when in great form. A tad presumptious to presume the OP's other half may be afflicted but not beyond the realms of possibility either.

In any event OP, the fact he is online, has not spoken to you today and is not anxious to reassure you that all is well would make me fear the worst I'm afraid. And if he has decided he does want to break up with you, chances are meeting him at the weekend will not change his mind Give him some space now and don't contact him, he will contact you when he is ready.

LegacyUser

hi all, OP here again. Thanks so much for all the replies. He got in touch, said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, and its him in his head worrying and overanalysing and looking too far down the line, that we'll never be able to see each other only on weekends as due to work neither of us can move. He also said he just hates the feeling of missing me, so tries to distance himself. He seemed really genuine, and said that he genuinely isn't good making the effort to get in touch but loves talking to me, and he will make more of an effort, he seems in better form. Now whether he is being genuine or not, I don't know, but I want to give the benefit of the doubt in this situation because I really care for him. I will let you know how it goes, and if anyone has any tips on how I can make this work or make it easier for him, please let me know, as I am ok with the distance and not seeing him as much, he appears to worry too much though!