Feel heartbroken and used

LegacyUser

Hey guys, have to go unreg for this. Basically to cut a long story short, i'm a guy in his early twenties living in dublin. Met a girl and we started going out for a couple of months. We met in work and i was crazy about her since i first saw her. She actually told me the same thing and said she was dying to ask me out. I could believe when she told me how much she liked me. Anyway, we started dating and everything was going great, we both said how happy we were with each other. About half way through the relationship she tells me her ex is back on the scene and saw us out together one night. She told me that he had told her that he still has feelings for her and wanted her back but she reassured me that she wanted nothing to do with him and didn't love him anymore. I believed her.

A few weeks ago after she had a night out with her friends we met up and she told me she couldn't handle a relationship because of how busy she was with work and college and she dumped me. I asked was did anything happen the previous night (the ex-boyfriend was at the same event) or was there someone else and she profoundly and repeatedly refused. She told me how she still had feelings for me but just can't handle a relationship right now!! This was a complete turn-around from a few days previous where she was telling me how much i meant to her.

I, trying to remain dignified, told her that i understood and there was no hard feelings and we can still be friends. I went home after our break-up, got pissed, punched the walls and fell asleep. I still couldn't stop myself from thinking that there was more to her story than meets the eye and that she was just letting me down easy. Since this, we have still been friendly in work and have been talking like normal even though it is killing me on the inside because i have such strong feelings for her. I have even got the hint that she was been flirting with me on occasion so it got my hopes up slightly.

Anyway, i was in town the other day when i saw her and her ex holding hands!!! I couldn't believe it. I felt physically ill at the sight of it. They didn't see me and i turned around and went back home. Why did she have to lie like that? I would have preferred if she just told me the truth so i could move on, instead i spent the last few weeks thinking about what i had done wrong and how i could get her back.

I have been in relationships before that lasted 2 or even 3 years but this has probably upset me more than any other one. I'm so confused, angry and most of all i feel totally stupid. Was i basically her rebound when her ex broke-up with her so she could make him jealous? I guess what i'm asking for is any advice from people who have been in similar situations and how to get over it. I feel stupid for feeling so much loss even though we were only going out a few months. Sorry about the wall of text, just needed to vent!

whatsamsn

Sorry to hear your situation mate. Touches a note with me and I imagine alot of people reading it too. We've all be hurt and used by some selfish w*nker.

Your gut instinct was right. She was using you as a way to move on from the ex and when he popped back up she tossed you aside. Im actually shaking my head right now as I write this. Being used has happened to me ... twice. I've dated girls who were only with me because I was better than nothing, girls I had feelings for but then tossed aside when someone else was on the scene. So I can relate.

As for how long it takes to get over this?
... Sadly I cant tell you. Not even you know. It will take time. Usually alot of time. Its not something you can brush off easily because such a bad experience can change who you are. But it may not go away until you meet someone else. Which I personally find thats when it goes away.

All I can say this girl is a b*tch. Shes dirt to you. She could of even had some deceny to say yes she was breaking up with you to go back to the ex. But no of course she couldnt :rolleyes: See op, no one ever wants to be the bad guy. Even the selfish users in life. They'll even justify things. Its the world we live in.

As for working with her?
Thats a problem. You dont need to be reminded of her every day. But stop talking to her and keeping up a false friendliness. She aint your friend. Not what she did. All you are doing is making things more easy for her (aka, no awkwardness) I know at the end of the day you still have to work together, but does that matter? .. if someone hurts you? they are nothing to you.

S23

That is a tough blow OP. She did something pretty weak and gutless.

As well as using you as a stopgap she hadn't even the guts to be honest with you when push came to shove. She had a couple of chances to behave like a decent person and act in a fair manner. On no occasion did she choose to do so.

She may spin you some bullsh*t that she didn't want to hurt you or any of that. The truth is she was too spineless to admit what she was doing and didn't admit it because she knows herself she acted like a selfish bitch who had no regard for your feelings.

I've no idea how long it will take you to get over this. I'm guessing the intial pain of losing someone you thought was special (but turned out to be a right cnut) has been replaced with feeling a little bit silly.
All I'll say is that it's not your fault that she chose to be a lying fcuk. You did the decent thing at all stages. When you heard about the ex you didn't let it fester and came out and were honest about asking her what the deal was. Then you were decent enough to take her on her word when you asked her for the truth regarding your break up. You didn't level accusations or anything like that.

You got repaid by being fcuked over and lied to. It will make you think twice in future but I hope it doesn't make you bitter or cynical.

As for working with her. Don't flip the lid or anything like that. I know there will be a temptation to call her out on what she did and blow off some steam but don't.

I'd cool it off with her as far as being friendly goes. Keep it purely professional. If she at some stage asks what the story is I'd tell her that you saw her with her ex and you know that shes a liar and, as a result, you don't want anything to do with her in terms of friendship.

Chin up and best of luck OP you did absolutely nothing wrong here and have no reason to feel bad about yourself.

Elle Collins

S23 wrote: »

I'd cool it off with her as far as being friendly goes. Keep it purely professional. If she at some stage asks what the story is I'd tell her that you saw her with her ex and you know that shes a liar and, as a result, you don't want anything to do with her in terms of friendship.

+ 1 That's really the only way to handle this OP.

I know you feel lousy now but really you've got a lucky escape. Imagine how you'd feel if you'd stayed with her only to be treated like dirt after several years, and so many others are.

LegacyUser

Hi

Ive never written a post before but I felt I needed to see other people having gone through this to help me feel better. The same thing has just literally happened to me. A guy that I had a little Summer romance with 8 years ago met a friend of mine recently and asked her for my number. He pursued me and I never hit it off so well with someone. He was just out of an long term relationship from a girl who cheated on him and treated him crap. We've spent the last month together having the best time ever and ive never met a nicer guy. I did express my concerns that he was only out a relationship but he insisted he really liked me, I met his family and friends and everyone was so nice to me. It was going amazingingly well until his ex knocked on his door last week saying she wanted him back. He told me straight away and he spent the last week thinking. He's now decided that he still has feelings for and its not fair to be with me if his heart isnt 100% in it. Im heartbroken and really felt we had something. He said he had wanted to give it a shot and I brought out the best in him its just bad timing. Im not looking for advice as I know its logical if he is still not over her to be with me. So its over now and no contact so far. I'm just not handling it well at all as he came back into my life out of blue like a whirlwind!

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP here. I really appreciate ye taking time out to give me advice and it's made me feel a little better.

S23 wrote: »

As for working with her. Don't flip the lid or anything like that. I know there will be a temptation to call her out on what she did and blow off some steam but don't.

I'd cool it off with her as far as being friendly goes. Keep it purely professional. If she at some stage asks what the story is I'd tell her that you saw her with her ex and you know that shes a liar and, as a result, you don't want anything to do with her in terms of friendship.

The thing is i'm not angry with her (only with myself really) even though i feel i should be. She is really the most down to earth and nicest girl to talk to and not at all bitchy. I also don't want to come across bitter and petty by ignoring her. I feel bad when i think of her as a btich or cnut for doing this because she is so innocent and nice. I actually can't believe this happened because this is totally the opposite of what her personality is like. It's like she changed completely in a week. I can accept and understand why this happened but she could have told me the truth and saved me for thinking about the situation for the last few weeks and what i had done wrong.

What i think i'm gonna say when i see her in work right before i leave is "so how you and [name of ex] getting on?", smile and walk away. Just to let her know that i know and that i am not some gullible idiot. What ye think? I have to let her know that i saw them but also staying cool about it.

Ye have said not to let this situation make me cynical, but i already feel changed by it. If one of the nicest girls i have ever met could do this, then what hope is there with the rest of them? I do feel cynical about love and relationships. It seems that nice guys do always finish last. Maybe if i start treating women like sh*t i might get somewhere (during the break-up i was told i was maybe too nice for her). It is no wonder why a lot of women think men are a**holes, it's because they've made them that way.

I've finally lost my faith in love and trust...

ABajaninCork

feelsickened wrote: »

Hey guys, OP here. I really appreciate ye taking time out to give me advice and it's made me feel a little better.

"so how you and [name of ex] getting on?", smile and walk away. Just to let her know that i know and that i am not some gullible idiot. What ye think? I have to let her know that i saw them but also staying cool about it.


I've finally lost my faith in love and trust...

If I were you, I'd say NOTHING. Anything you do say is just adding fuel to the fire as far as this girl's concerned. She'll find out soon enough her ex is an ex for a reason. As the other posters have said, keep the working relationship purely professional. Speak only when you're spoken to, or you have to ask her something. Keep the tone polite, but cold.

Look - something similar, but far worse happened to me. I thought that I'd never get over it, but you know what? Twenty years on, he's alone, miserable and kept trying to contact me. The attempted contact only stopped when I moved to Ireland. Meanwhile - I'm moving ahead and very happy!:D

What I'm trying to say is : It's not going to be easy getting over this. But revenge (if that's what you want) is best served cold. The best thing is to get on with your life and show her you're no longer interested, even if you are. Don't lose your faith, someone MUCH better will come along - stand on me!;)

Stay strong.

miec

I feel bad when i think of her as a btich or cnut for doing this because she is so innocent and nice.

Hi Op

I went through something somewhat similar many years ago, met a lovely man, had an inkling he was into someone else who was engaged, when that girl became single I was out the door, he claimed it was to focus on his career, and they are now married. I was with him for almost a year, during that time he was a wonderful boyfriend but his last action was cowardly and cruel. He was too chicken to tell the truth, the fault lay with him not me but it took me some time to get my head around this, like you I blamed myself. I hope someday you will realise that your ex-girlfriend's cowardly behaviour was not nice or innocent, she lied to you, she should have told you the truth, you deserved that much but she chose not to. In time you will get through this and you may even be able to look at both the good times and this incident with a clearer eye. You are not at fault here, she is. Personally I would be polite but distant, if she asks what is wrong (highly unlikely) tell her the truth clearly and plainly and that you did not deserve to be treated like that.

whatsamsn

feelsickened wrote: »

The thing is i'm not angry with her (only with myself really) even though i feel i should be. She is really the most down to earth and nicest girl to talk to and not at all bitchy.

I am sorry to say op but you are wrong to feel this. You arent to blame.... She is. See all this "shes nice, innnocent and down to earth" - you're being naive sadly. There is a gray area in everyone and other times being "nice" etc is just their front. She used you and tossed you aside when the ex popped back up. This is not the actions of a "nice innocent girl" - these are the actions who might appear nice on the surface.... but when it comes down to it are anything but op.

feelsickened wrote: »

What i think i'm gonna say when i see her in work right before i leave is "so how you and [name of ex] getting on?", smile and walk away. Just to let her know that i know and that i am not some gullible idiot. What ye think?

You could do this for your own pride and self-respect. To let someone know you aint no fool. Which is fine. But dont do it if you want any other reason 'cause likely you'll be met with false "sorrys" and justification on her part.

feelsickened wrote: »

I've finally lost my faith in love and trust...

Welcome to the club. We all experience this if life after bad relatinship experiences. As time goes by it eases up. But if you get knocked again, it comes back even deeper and stronger. Which takes longer to go.

All I can say is dont beat yourself up. There was no warning that she was going to do this (which would make you hit yourself overlooking things) ... you realised what she was doing when she ended it. Dont beat and hate yourself.

S23

OP whether or not you are angry with her is one thing. Being angry with yourself is ridiculous. You did absolutely nothing wrong and got taken advantage of by a spineless bitch.

What you really will end up being annoyed with yourself down the track is if you keep up this notion that shes really nice and innocent and she's just not like that. Actions define people. The way she acted was cowardly and gutless and a brazen lie to a nice guy who had always been up front and honest.

So, no, shes not really nice and innocent. She might not be a bitch 24/7 but she gave you a flash of her true colours. Not every bitch/cnut/fcuker on the face of the planet goes on like a pantomime villain. It's what people do in the crucial situations that can make the difference in who they really are. It's all well her being nice as pie to you when she needed a stopgap. As soon as you weren't needed anymore she stopped behaving respectfully to you. This is who she is.

As for revenge is a dish best served cold. Don't get invovled in that. Worry about yourself and no one else. Sitting around waiting for her realtionship to crash and burn is stupid. Maybe it will and maybe it won't. That's not your concern now. Chalk this one up to experience and forget about her. It's a tough life lesson and of course it will effect you but don't let it turn you completely bitter and twisted. I'd rather you were older and wiser!

As whatsamsn said by all means let her know that you know shes back with the ex for your own pride and self esteem if that's what you really want. You're not a mug. You just gave her the benefit of the doubt and she took advantage of that but now you know better about her.

Stay strong, forget about her and in due course you'll meet someone else and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. It has actually made me feel better, had my friends' heads wrecked talking about this for the last few weeks

Thinking about it again, i will probably just keep my distance from her in work, exchange hello's when we pass each other and be cool with her in general.

Fcuk it, it's her loss...

Moomoo1

the way I see it OP: a liar is a liar. I wouldn't talk to her just because she lied to me.

and I think it's good that you work together: it gives you a chance to ignore her.

Partizan

S23 wrote: »

I'd cool it off with her as far as being friendly goes. Keep it purely professional. If she at some stage asks what the story is I'd tell her that you saw her with her ex and you know that shes a liar and, as a result, you don't want anything to do with her in terms of friendship.

Chin up and best of luck OP you did absolutely nothing wrong here and have no reason to feel bad about yourself.

+ 85 billion to that. Best advice been given here OP. Take it. She was an ignorant and ruthless biatch and karma will eventually come and pay her a little visit.

Steer well clear of people like her. I know, been there bought the t-shirt. Chalk it down as one of life's experiences and move on. You will be a bigger and stronger man for it, trust me you will.

Stay cool.

lazygal

I agree with a lot of the others. I had a really ill-advised fling with a work colleague once who, when we went out, told me how much he had wanted to be with me and how we had such a great future. Then, he calls me up on a Sunday night at 10pm to tell me the spark was gone and he hoped we could still be friends.

I felt SO stupid, angry and blamed myself for not being the perfect girlfriend as in my head he was the greatest thing ever and I couldn't see how he could do something like this. I tried to be so nice in work, accomodating in case he'd come around but I felt used and the only way to get over it was to cut him out completely.

I didn't talk to him unless it was work related, didn't engage with him when he texted and didn't meet up on nights out with work. You will get over her but the only thing to do is cut her out. You WILL meet somone else, I'm engaged now and I laugh at that other loser.

curlzy

feelsickened wrote: »

The thing is i'm not angry with her (only with myself really) even though i feel i should be. She is really the most down to earth and nicest girl to talk to and not at all bitchy.

OP, you're wrong. She's not the nicest blah blah blah, she was just a good actress. You need to stop internalising this and get angry for Christ's sake. She's not some sweet innocent little flower, she a ****ing user of the highest calibre and the type of c*nt that give girls a bad name. I had to break someone's heart once and it was brutal, a really horrifice 6 hours (that's how long I spoke to him for), but I sat there and answered all his questions honestly and made sure he was ok. I didn't feed him a load of crap to get out of it, I told him everything. I hadn't cheated or done anything wrong, my only wrong doing was that I stayed with him out of pity for a long long time but I still felt awful to be hurting him. She's not all sweet and innocent, she's a scummer, she used you to get him intrigued, then she feed you line and dumped you to get back with him. Please get it out of your head that she's all sweet and innocent and nice, I telling you that as a woman, she's not. Her behaviour is that of a scummer, if the shoe fits and all that.

Now my advice: Get busy, friends and socialling should be highest priority. For god's sake keep it professional, don't be her friend coz if you are you're behaving like a doormat and your self esteem and confidence will be knocked. If she asks why you're not friendly, just say between college and work you just don't have time for a friend. Then in front of her ask another friend to go to lunch with you. She should get the message, if she's doesn't she's as thick as she is selfish.

:mad::mad::mad: Honestly I'm so mad OP, she's treated you in the worst possible way and shown a TOTAL disregard for your heart and feelings so please please stop kicking yourself, you don't deserve any more pain.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks curlzy for that. From a woman's perspective, maybe you could help me out with this next part that i don't understand-basically before we got together she was telling mutual colleagues how mad about me she was about me (they told me that after we broke up because they couldn't believe it). She even said the same things to my friends about me while we were together and we even had one of those moments when we were lying in bed together after sex and she was looking into my eyes saying how she couldn't believe we were together (i was actually thinking the same thing. She is really pretty). Surely she could not have been making this up? She even started talking about going on holiday together!

With regards the ex, she told me she just wanted to avoid him. Now i know a couple of months together can't compare to their long term relationship and however great our thing was it can't compare the history they shared but i thought there was something there. So i reckon the ex kept contacting her (they were in the same circle of friends) and reminded her of what they had together and she chose him. Maybe her friends wanted her to get back with him too because of them being all friends together, i don't know. What i do know is that i have lost and am left with this feeling of humiliation and sense of failure of not being good enough for her.

Just like curlzy mentioned, i too had a brutal and honest break-up with my ex. Was horrible but she at least got closure. I swore off relationships after that because there is always hurt even if you do the breaking-up. Now i'm back to that feeling.

Sorry about wrecking yer heads with this and over analysing it but i'm just so confused and can't get her out of my head. I'm back to work on monday after being away for a week, so i will see her then. I'll update on what happens. Again thanks for all the advice.