Opening to a short story - opinions.

Just hoping to get people's opinions to the opening of this story:

Hello.

I don’t exist, not really.

I am a figment of my author’s imagination; everything he ever wanted to say, accomplish or be; I am his missed opportunities and lost sentiments.

He has given me a brain to think with, though it is his thoughts, and a mouth to speak with, though it is his voice. He hasn’t given me a name; I just guess it’s not important. It wouldn’t make me any more or any less a person.

I don’t exist but I am alive. And I don’t want to die.

He will kill me off. I know this. I’m afraid, of course – who wouldn’t be with their impending death and knowing that you just can’t do anything to stop it? He has written it, or at least will be writing it, so I have no choice but to go along with it and hope that it’s not too bad, or painful, and that it is quick. I hope he shows me mercy.

Oryx

I would lose the hello. Makes me think of Hal the computer. I dont know where you plan to go with this, but the only other thing that struck me, is that if this character is all the authors dreams and aspirations, why is he killing it?

Self-destructive streak. I've taken out the hello.

Antilles

Now it seems a bit impersonal. Why not start with a greeting of some sort?

I was thinking that too. I might put back in the hello. This is going to be a somewhat personal story, so I want to try and add that touch to it.

Antilles

Great intro, imo, but it will take a lot of work to parlay it into a full novel.

pops

I don't mean to be picky, but isn't it obvious that any character in fiction is a figment of the author's imagination? I don't understand what you're trying to achieve by stating the obvious here.

miec

Hi Op

I agree with another poster to drop the Hello, but at the same time you want to address the reader warmly as well, I think for me the Hello is a little trite, it doesn't pull me in. I like what you are doing though and when I read it I thought of John Fowles 'The French Lieutenant's woman'. Basically the author interjects in the story (you are doing an inverse of that - the character is interjecting with the author). I thought that it might help if you read Chapter 13 of 'The French Lieutenant's woman' to give you some ideas or ways to frame the opening of your story, for some reason I loved that passage. I loved the author's honesty when he demonstrates that characters get a life of their own, and basically what I picked up from your opening is the power of the character but their fear of being killed or straitjacketed into a particular role that the character does not want. I think if you read that chapter (well the whole book is good) it will really help. Maybe you could address the reader in a more dramatic way rather than Hello, but I think it is an interesting and worthwhile story to run with.

pops

I am somewhat drawing inspiration from Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut where, towards the end of the book, Vonnegut and the protagonist, Kilgore Trout; who was modeled on his own father, have a brief encounter. It was extraordinarily well written and filled with such passion.

pops wrote: »

I don't mean to be picky, but isn't it obvious that any character in fiction is a figment of the author's imagination? I don't understand what you're trying to achieve by stating the obvious here.

Yes but in this, the character knows that he doesn't really exist.

Tweaked the beginning a bit, does it sound any better?

I don’t exist, not really. Not in the way that you exist. You are your own flesh and bone and thoughts and memories; I am not.

I am a figment of my author’s imagination; everything he ever wanted to say, accomplish or be, I am his missed opportunities and lost sentiments.

He has given me a brain to think with, though it is his thoughts, and a mouth to speak with, though it is his voice. He hasn’t given me a name; I just guess it’s not important. It wouldn’t make me any more or any less a person.

I don’t exist but I am alive. And I don’t want to die.

He will kill me off. I know this. I’m afraid, of course – who wouldn’t be with their impending death and knowing that you just can’t do anything to stop it? He has written it, or at least will be writing it, so I have no choice but to go along with it and hope that it’s not too bad, or painful, and that it is quick. I hope he shows me mercy.

This is how I would like some of the exchanges to be. How does it sound?

I’m sorry.

You’re sorry? How can you tell me that you’re sorry? You are not the one who has to die but I am and you’re the one who will be killing me.

If it could be any different, it would be. Life goes on.

Life goes on for you, not for me. Once you have stopped typing, stopped thinking and moved on then I will cease to exist. How can you tell me that life goes on?

I have no choice. The story must be written.

It doesn’t have to be. You have the power here. You need to take control of your own life and start making things right. You don’t have to write that I will die

I’m sorry.

Antilles

Not sure about the dialogue. I think Flann O'Brien did something similiar. I'd move that "don't exist" line to the end, as below. I think it works better there. It stops the "he will kill me off" paragraph being repedative and links the line in with the first sentence about not existing.

Deleted User wrote: »

I don’t exist, not really. Not in the way that you exist. You are your own flesh and bone and thoughts and memories; I am not.

I am a figment of my author’s imagination; everything he ever wanted to say, accomplish or be, I am his missed opportunities and lost sentiments.

He has given me a brain to think with, though it is his thoughts, and a mouth to speak with, though it is his voice. He hasn’t given me a name; I just guess it’s not important. It wouldn’t make me any more or any less a person.

He will kill me off. I know this. I’m afraid, of course – who wouldn’t be with their impending death and knowing that you just can’t do anything to stop it? He has written it, or at least will be writing it, so I have no choice but to go along with it and hope that it’s not too bad, or painful, and that it is quick. I hope he shows me mercy.

I don’t exist but I am alive. And I don’t want to die.

Also, instead of going into dialogue for the author conversation, how about doing it prose, with your character hearing the authors voice in their head, or reading it on a computer?

pickarooney

I tried something like this a while back, but I had the narcissistic protagonist describe things from his point of view and the narrator correcting him, pointing out the reality or a more objective viewpoint. It was a bit crap, I suppose.

Ha! That sounds pretty interesting. It's also pretty hard to do, isn't it? Write like this. I'm tempted to drop it and move on to something else.

Oryx

I dont like the dialogue either. It seems repetitive and stilted. Otherwise I liked where youre going with it.

Reminds me of Stranger than Fiction with will ferrell, but that ends up schmaltzy and hollywood which I would avoid.

Don't worry, if I do write it and if it does get finished, there won't be a happy ending.

Antilles

How about a twist ending where it turns out the narrator is the character, but he's in an insane asylum talking to himself?

Or the author is writing about himself and he is the main character, so when he stops writing he dies.

meenaghans

Hey boney

have u seen the film stranger than fiction. it has a similar plot where the narrator is writing about his life and he can hear her.

crimsonfire

Oryx wrote: »

I dont like the dialogue either. It seems repetitive and stilted. Otherwise I liked where youre going with it.

Reminds me of Stranger than Fiction with will ferrell, but that ends up schmaltzy and hollywood which I would avoid.

Quite liked that film. Didn't mind the ending either.

Interesting concept. Very hard to do I'd say but persevere say I. Could make for a great story.

You should read some of J.G. Ballards short stories. Might get some inspiration there. They're generally high concept and mind-bending stuff.

cobsie

If I thought I was about to be killed by an unseen, arbitrary being, I'd start bargaining, and fast...like Scheherazade in Arabian Nights, I'd start talking!

In At Swim-Two-Birds, Flann O'Brien has the characters that his author is writing a book about get together in the pub (Swim-Two-Birds) and write a novel about him, in revenge for what he is doing to them in his novel. Needless to say, it all gets very silly and brilliant.

Edmond A. Scallop

As stated by others, this is the movie 'Stranger than Fiction'
only you're avoiding the discovery that they are fictional.

How does this character know he's fictional?

The opening works, as a piece of writing. But I think you'll find as you write the story it is hard to not create obvious plot holes.

LambsEye

Hey OP,

The first thing I thought reading it was Kurt Vonnegut Jr! So I dig the style that you're using. I like the protagonist's "breaking the 4th wall," and speaking directly to the reader. Also his awareness of his own non-existence is interesting.

I wonder could you really examine the unreliable narrator shtick and have your protagonist attempt to rebel against the author? (Yes Stranger Than Fiction springs to mind.) Because he is aware of his own impending demise let him act against what the author writes, (if that makes sense.) I think you could do that because you've already established a dialogue between the author and the subject. It would raise the issues as to whether or not the character himself is delusional and imagining the "author" type God and he was only believing himself to be the protagonist of a novel.

Have you ever read Everything Matters! by Ron Currie Jr? It's that same kind of abstract narrative which I enjoy so much.

Keep it up! Love to see where it goes.