Father abroad not paying maintance but wants child for holidays.

iverson

i am goin though this right now im single 22 and have a 16 month old son his amazing but his dad is never in ireland yet he want a say in my son's life do you really thing this is fair ? i pay all the bills i work and study yet he wants the right to take my son out oof ireland for hoilday's if he wishes.
i dont think itss fair im the one changing nappys spending my money on my son yet he wants to come in a buy him things i cant afford and pricey hoildays isnt that just trying to but his love?

The Corinthian

iverson wrote: »

i am goin though this right now im single 22 and have a 16 month old son his amazing but his dad is never in ireland yet he want a say in my son's life do you really thing this is fair ? i pay all the bills i work and study yet he wants the right to take my son out oof ireland for hoilday's if he wishes.
i dont think itss fair im the one changing nappys spending my money on my son yet he wants to come in a buy him things i cant afford and pricey hoildays isnt that just trying to but his love?

Really depends upon his involvement and what level of say. Is he paying any maintenance (if you say you are paying all the bills then I presume not)? Has he made any attempt to have contact or see his child?

If he has done any of the above, then realistically he does deserve some say in his child's life. That does not mean an equal say (in practical terms, especially living abroad, this is unrealistic), but a say nonetheless.

If not, then I would tell him that if he wants a say, he has to make an effort too. The greater the involvement, the greater the effort, the greater the say.

Telling him that he cannot have a say because you're carrying the vast bulk of the load is a dead end, I believe. Certainly it does not entitle him to an equal say, but no say at all simply serves to alienate him. Try a quid pro quo approach, whereby the more he does, the more say he has. And set timetables for this. But importantly agree rather than demand - ask him what he proposes and respond in kind.

wolfpawnat

iverson wrote: »

i am goin though this right now im single 22 and have a 16 month old son his amazing but his dad is never in ireland yet he want a say in my son's life do you really thing this is fair ? i pay all the bills i work and study yet he wants the right to take my son out oof ireland for hoilday's if he wishes.
i dont think itss fair im the one changing nappys spending my money on my son yet he wants to come in a buy him things i cant afford and pricey hoildays isnt that just trying to but his love?

If he has money to take him abroad and buy him nice things, then he has money to pay for nappies, food and necessities for his child. Tell him a mere €40-50 a week would make all the difference! If he is in contact with you and the child then he should get a bit of a say.

If he is doing his duty as a father then yes he should at least be allowed to see him, however you have not mentioned where he lives, if it is past Germany it may be a lot to put your son through! Does he plan on paying your ticket to come with the child, or will he come to Ireland and collect him?

metrovelvet

iverson wrote: »

i am goin though this right now im single 22 and have a 16 month old son his amazing but his dad is never in ireland yet he want a say in my son's life do you really thing this is fair ? i pay all the bills i work and study yet he wants the right to take my son out oof ireland for hoilday's if he wishes.
i dont think itss fair im the one changing nappys spending my money on my son yet he wants to come in a buy him things i cant afford and pricey hoildays isnt that just trying to but his love?

It strikes me with everyone ha hooing about their rights the well being of the child gets forgotten.

No its not fair, you are right but then again life is not fair, there is a certain amount of injustice in this world you have to suck up for the overall good outcome of the child.

You want the child and the father to know each other right? You and the dad can both agree on that? You want the child to be in a happy calm state when engaging with the father right so the relationship can be optimal and without stress right? Try to find the points of agreement with your ex. With everyone in the tug of war over power its easy to lose focus.

Its particularly difficult in the first year, because the first year is so labour intensive taking care of an infant and compared to the work you are putting in it would seem like he is doing nothing as a parent and therefore deserves nothing as a parent.

However, you have a long road ahead of you.

It is not ok for him to be taking the infant out of the country without your consent. That is abduction.

But let's say he was in the country.The same principle applies. From what I have read the suggested best possibility for kids 0-3 years is short and frequent visits by the non custodial parent in the home of the child because it minimises stress for the child. He may be so involved in his tug of war that he may refuse to acknowlege or receive this information.

Suggest to him a parenting plan which can put some stability in place, stability meaning both emotional and financial stability.

Klingon Hamlet

metrovelvet wrote: »

From what I have read the suggested best possibility for kids 0-3 years is short and frequent visits by the non custodial parent in the home of the child because it minimises stress for the child.

Where did you read this?

metrovelvet

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

Where did you read this?

I'll try to dig it up for you. I've also done a fair bit of consulting the professionals, if you want more info pm me I dont want to go too OT.

metrovelvet

http://winattrial.com/RECONNECTING%20CHILDREN%20WITH%20ABSENT%20PARENTS.pdf

http://www.doj.state.or.us/dcs/pdf/second_chances.pdf

These are some excerpts from the above very helpful document.

How old was your child when you last had an active role in their life and how old are they now? If you left when your child was under the age of 3 they may not have much memory of you or your relationship. Are you just now introducing yourself to a child you did not know existed? If so, what knowledge do they have of you? Some experts advise that any separation over 3 months will require long-term therapeutic work when looking at reunification.

AGE APPROPRIATE CONSIDERATIONS
Keep in mind that this is a physically demanding time of caretaking for the custodial parent. Consider a structure that allows you to participate in the many levels of care including feeding, bathing, soothing, settling to
sleep, etc. If you lack skills in these areas ask for help from the custodial parent, a family member or friend, read books or take a parenting skills class. For infants, multiple, short visits during the week are best. Babies up until the age of three can have difficulty being away from their primary caretaker for long periodsof time.

Infants are like sponges absorbing everything in their environment. Thus it is critical that parents provide a soothing, safe, loving, responsive atmosphere. If conflict and tension exist your child will feel that tension inside of themselves. Pay attention to signs that your infant is experiencing distress, including whining, clinginess, and fussiness that doesn’t go away with soothing, as well as changes in eating and sleeping habits.
Your chances for a successful visit increase if you can keep your child’s eating and sleeping
schedules close to what they are in the other parent’s home.
Understand that beginning around the age of 6 months children naturally experience anxiety when
leaving their primary caretaker. So if initial visits have your infant clinging onto the other parent’s
leg for dear life, don’t assume they don’t want to have anything to do with you.

iverson

please dont misunderstand me his a great dad im just thinking the rights he wants are to much as lest right now but today we have seen someone and he (my sons dad) said if i draw up the papers he sign them as long as he does get to see his son, and i would never stop him.
and i do believe he should have rights to him god forbid anything ever happen to me i hate my son to go to my mum.

Das Kitty

I think you need to formalise your arrangements with your child's father OP.

Access and maintenance are separate issues.

If he is not a legal guardian of your child then if anything happens to you the child WILL go to your mother. He needs to apply for guardianship. You should both work out your wills too.

You say he's a good man then you know it is vital to your son's wellbeing for him to have a positive relationship with his dad.

iverson

his a good man and we both have wills, i guess in all this i forget his jus wanting to see his child

OUTOFSYNC

metrovelvet wrote: »

http://winattrial.com/RECONNECTING%20CHILDREN%20WITH%20ABSENT%20PARENTS.pdf

http://www.doj.state.or.us/dcs/pdf/second_chances.pdf

These are some excerpts from the above very helpful document.

How old was your child when you last had an active role in their life and how old are they now? If you left when your child was under the age of 3 they may not have much memory of you or your relationship. Are you just now introducing yourself to a child you did not know existed? If so, what knowledge do they have of you? Some experts advise that any separation over 3 months will require long-term therapeutic work when looking at reunification.

AGE APPROPRIATE CONSIDERATIONS
Keep in mind that this is a physically demanding time of caretaking for the custodial parent. Consider a structure that allows you to participate in the many levels of care including feeding, bathing, soothing, settling to
sleep, etc. If you lack skills in these areas ask for help from the custodial parent, a family member or friend, read books or take a parenting skills class. For infants, multiple, short visits during the week are best. Babies up until the age of three can have difficulty being away from their primary caretaker for long periodsof time.

Infants are like sponges absorbing everything in their environment. Thus it is critical that parents provide a soothing, safe, loving, responsive atmosphere. If conflict and tension exist your child will feel that tension inside of themselves. Pay attention to signs that your infant is experiencing distress, including whining, clinginess, and fussiness that doesn’t go away with soothing, as well as changes in eating and sleeping habits.
Your chances for a successful visit increase if you can keep your child’s eating and sleeping
schedules close to what they are in the other parent’s home.
Understand that beginning around the age of 6 months children naturally experience anxiety when
leaving their primary caretaker. So if initial visits have your infant clinging onto the other parent’s
leg for dear life, don’t assume they don’t want to have anything to do with you.

This advice is very general and in my experience - wrong (for me and my daughter). I think the blanket 'primary caregiver' mantra that some child experts try to apply to every situation can be quite harmful and negative for children and child-father relationships.

metrovelvet

OUTOFSYNC wrote: »

This advice is very general and in my experience - wrong (for me and my daughter). I think the blanket 'primary caregiver' mantra that some child experts try to apply to every situation can be quite harmful and negative for children and child-father relationships.

Its very specific for absentee parents and I excerpted ages 1-3. If you are not an absentee parent it does not apply but dont knock it just because it doesnt relate to you.

OUTOFSYNC

It does relate to me - my daughters mother hired a child 'expert' and has tried to implement many/all of the points listed above. My daughters well-being has been totally lost in the application of the this dogma.

Every child is different and the advice maybe appropriate for some children - but not at all in my case (and possibly not at all in many many cases).

Dors1976

I agree, if he has the money for expensive holidays then he can helop out with paying for the child.

Has he guardianship? Is he on the child's birth cert? Does the child know him - if not then I wouldn't let my child leave the country with him, he's a stranger.

The Corinthian

iverson wrote: »

please dont misunderstand me his a great dad im just thinking the rights he wants are to much as lest right now but today we have seen someone and he (my sons dad) said if i draw up the papers he sign them as long as he does get to see his son, and i would never stop him.
and i do believe he should have rights to him god forbid anything ever happen to me i hate my son to go to my mum.

Then if that is how you feel, agree to his having guardianship. The only possible drawback that doing so might have is that in theory he could block your leaving the country without his consent, but ultimately that would never stick on the basis that he himself is not resident in the country.

Suggest to him that you will agree to this as long as he signs letters of agreement allowing you to get / renew passports for your child or take him abroad for holidays. This is as much a practical request as any kind of insurance for you.

Having his son over for holidays is a little more complex as while you might agree to this in principle, does he have a home that could host him? How much experience has he got in caring for his son? How comfortable is his son with him? I'm not suggesting you should rule it out if any or all of the above result in negative answers, but it may then be advisable to set some basic criteria and standards and/or wait until your son is older before agreeing to this. Ask him what criteria he would set in your shoes and why.

Do, however, at all times give real targets and boundaries that you are willing to honour. Saying things like "I would never stop him" will read as "I presently choose not to stop him" to many men. Rather than saying, "he can stay with you when he is a little older", be more specific and suggest an age. Vague or ambiguous criteria leave things open to you changing the goalposts, and that simply fosters a feeling of suspicion - especially if you have ever done so in the past.

I do think, however, that he should also be contributing financially to his son also. He may not be all that well off, but the least he can do is make even a nominal effort to do so. As much as I often drone on that you cannot expect responsibility without rights, the reverse is also true. He can't have his cake and eat it.

rolly1

The father should get his head out of his *ss and start paying towards his child's well being, he can obviously afford something. Why should he be let off financial responsibility?


Children under 3 not to go and stay over at father's house, utter psychobabble rubbish. My daughter was on overnights with me two weeks after she was born, never had a problem. She's a fine healthy & happy girl now, where do these pointy heads get this BS from?

Sleepy

rolly1 wrote: »

where do these pointy heads get this BS from?

Whoever's paying for the research unfortunately.

mohawk

iverson wrote: »

his a good man and we both have wills, i guess in all this i forget his jus wanting to see his child

Does the child know him well enough to go away for the christmas with him?

Anyways there is no harm in making formal arrangements for access. As someone who never knew their father there is always a feeling your missing something.