My husband is violent

LegacyUser

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a long time. We have a little boy. I love both of them so much, it pains me to admit we have problems.
My partner has a short temper, he was made redundant over a year ago and the stress of that hasn't helped.
He has tried to hit me a few times during rows. Sometimes he's sorry - sometimes he's not, he turns it back on me - I pushed him to it. But he's never hurt me badly so I don't think he takes it seriously or even sees it as abuse.
Last night he came home after a few drinks, he wasn't drunk. He called me a name, he thought it was a joke, I didn't. It escalated into a row. My screams to avoid being hit woke our boy. We haven't spoken yet today.
I can't stay in this situation. He's a wonderful man and I love him so much. Every time this has happened I swear I'm going to leave, and I never do.
I know it's only going to get worse. I'm terrifed that one day he'll hit our son, or that we're bringing up a child exposed to this violence. Something needs to change.
I'm so depressed today, I feel so unloved miserable worthless. I never thought I'd be 'one of those women' and here I am. I feel a mix of desperate love, anger and hate for him.
He needs help - we both do. Where do I turn?
The automatic response to one partner hitting the other is to leave. I don't want that, I want to try to fix it. How?

Zaph

I'm sorry OP, but a wonderful man does not behave like that. You should contact an organisation such as Women's Aid, they'll be able to provide you with the support and assistance you need.

Fox McCloud

Your son is already being exposed to a violent environment, even if he hasnt seen it, kids pick up on atmosphere. While your so obviously not resposible for your son being exposed to this, make it your responsability to get him away from this toxic environment.


What happens if his temper flares up and he lashes out at your son instead? If this is a line you feel he wont cross then you have to look at it this way.. If he can stop himself from hitting his son he can stop himself from hitting you. He's either in full control when he does this, which means he knows exacty what he is doing and is trying to crush you. Or he loses 'control' completely in which case he is a danger to your son as well as a serious danger to you.

I know you said you don't want to leave, but I'm going to be frank here. You stay, he will continue and most probably escalate his behaviour. You leave and your free from a life of fearing what your going to come home to in the evenings and free of the fear that your son will be hurt by one of the two only people in the world who are supposed to have his back in life.

Dont for one second actually believe you did anything to 'make' him hit you. Google domestic abuse pattern and you will see how much of a widely used control mechanism that line is.

LegacyUser

Please believe me - he's not a monster. I know it reads like that in my post.
This doesn't happen that often. It's rare, but it's unpredictable. It IS a big issue, I'm aware of that. I just can't leave him, I do love him and we have a child which means I have to try my best to sort this out somehow. At the moment, leaving him seems like a knee jerk reaction.
I really believe he can get help for it and sort it out, or at least I hope he can.
Is there no organisation for men like this? There only seems to be help for women that are abused, but is there no support for a man who needs help sorting out his behaviour?

Walls

I would suggest that he leave and you stay. There is no need for you and your son to suffer unduly due to his violent temper. I would recommend speaking to the local gardai and then asking your husband to leave. If you wish to work on your marriage, then so be it, many others wouldn't. But for right now, you need to have this man out of your home.


Edit: just to say, you're not obliged to leave him. You're the one there. Only you can decide what to do. But a trial separation does have advantages. Firstly it creates immediately an end to the tension and fear you and your child have been living with, so you can clear your head and live your life without constant tension. Secondly, it is telling your husband as nothing else can that there is consequence to his behaviour. His being expelled from the family home (particularly over Christmas) specifies that his family and his marriage is in jeopardy and he needs to work on getting his act together, pronto.

sam34

Anongirl25 wrote: »

Please believe me - he's not a monster

he is, actually.

but clearly he has you manipulated into thinking that he is not, and that he doesnt mean it/is sorry/insert other typical excuse here


you have a son

do you want him growing up in a house of fear, and learning that ist ok to hit people?

tinkerbell

OP, he's not a wonderful man at all. If he was, he would never hit you or treat you like that.

Also, you need to get out of that toxic environment - your son (even though he's young) will pick up on what is going on.

Ickle Magoo

Anongirl25 wrote: »

I really believe he can get help for it and sort it out, or at least I hope he can.
Is there no organisation for men like this? There only seems to be help for women that are abused, but is there no support for a man who needs help sorting out his behaviour?

That depends entirely on whether the man WANTS to help sort out HIS behaviour. You are the one posting here and you seem to be trying to set him up with some kind of help. You also seem to be using an awful lot of "I"'s in your post considering you are not the person who must acknowledge there is a problem and make the necessary changes.

Kimia

OP if he was a wonderful man he'd feel remorseful and try anything and everything to stop this kind of behaviour. Instead it appears he blames you. What does that tell you?

Nevyn

You can go to the courts and apply for an interm safety order.
This means he if he verbally or phyically abuses you, you can ring the garda and they can removed him from the family home. You need to to go your local family court and apply for it. Please, please do so for the sake of you and your son.

muboop1

Sorry, could you please clarify..

He "tried" to hit you??

Did he or didnt he?

What prevented him? I know you said your shouts stopped this time, but in general, I would assume if a man wanted to hit a woman he could?

Anyway, I'm just asking because going the legal route(if required) would required a definate answer. If he didn't it could be harder. Your work against his etc. If he did. You automatically can follow Thaedydal's suggestion.

M'am, please even if you wont sort this out for yourself... Do it for your kid.

It's more then just about you and him when children are involved.

Emme

Anongirl25 wrote: »

Please believe me - he's not a monster. I know it reads like that in my post.
This doesn't happen that often. It's rare, but it's unpredictable. It IS a big issue, I'm aware of that. I just can't leave him, I do love him and we have a child which means I have to try my best to sort this out somehow. At the moment, leaving him seems like a knee jerk reaction.
I really believe he can get help for it and sort it out, or at least I hope he can.
Is there no organisation for men like this? There only seems to be help for women that are abused, but is there no support for a man who needs help sorting out his behaviour?

Does he want to get help? If you stay and put up with his behaviour why should he change?

Regardless, you should check out the womens aid website and put your child first. He needs to grow up in a safe environment.

LegacyUser

OP as much as you say you love your OH and as much as you think he can change PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE understand that situations like this RARELY get better and more often than not get worse
I have heard all the excuses:
"I didn't mean it", "Twas the Drink that made me do it"; "I won't do it again"; "I love you please give me another chance"; "I'm sorry"

It starts with a slap
It could end up with you in a coffin
I'm sorry if that seems OTT but really and truly it might not be

I took the first slap as a one off
The 2nd was the drink talking
The attempted choking was the final straw and I moved home, pressed charges, got him convicted and got a barring order

It is HARD
There is no point telling you otherwise
I was lucky in that my parents & the Gardai were really supportive

Domestic Violence is never excusable
It is never justifiable
It is ALWAYS WRONG

And no matter what is happening be it a small slap or all out warfare it is not acceptable

Please seek help before its too late
I didn't and was almost killed before I realised how bad things were
Don't let things go that far for you

Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP i was there when i was younger, my step dad started to physically and sexually abuse myself, Brother and mother from the early 80's for ten years. It started with a light slap and ended very badly indeed.

You need to get you and your boy in a safe environment ASAP and report him. If he loved you he would not be doing these things.

You boy can hear and sense things going on and it will be with him for life. For his sake leave today.

ire2010

Hello there..
Just giving you a perspective from the childs view. I was once that little boy.. Parents would fight, violence would be apartant whether it be a physical strike or even throwing things, banging tables or punching walls.. Even arguing has its toll.

From the childs point of view, he hears and sees alot more than you think. He can feel the tension in the air and see that all is not well with the two most important people in his life.

Even the fact that you and your husband are not talking is going to affect your child. Especially around Christmas the poor child wants nothing more than harmony and receiving that special gift from Santa.

You must realise that a child growing up in this type of environment is going to affect him later on in life. I again know as it has done me. The child will either become the abuser (even a slap or verbal comment is abuse) or become the victim where he under no control is attracted to abusive relationships as this is imprinted into his subconscious as the norm as he has grown up with this form of "love".

Again I am speaking from experience. If you look at the thread I've done it will detail a serious problem I am having at present. I am not saying that this problem is due to my upbringing but I have to admit it has contributed to it. I am a very timid person. Very gentle and caring, I would never strike anyone. But for some reason the other half I choose always seems to be the violent, controlling or abusive in some kind.

Unfortunately the latest is the most extreme. Do yourself and your child a favour and sit your OH down. Preferably when the child is away. And tell him you will not be putting up with this further. That you will not be tolerating this for the sake of your safety and your sons.

Tell him that this is his final warning. If it continues you will be forced to leave and report the matter to the Gardai; Again stress you are not doing this to get one back on him, or gain the upper hand. Its that you care for your safety and care about what versions of "love" are going to be imprinted in your son for life.

You may see it has a slap, or a "try" to hit. But it is being imprinted into your sons mind. Tension = love.

Becareful.

The automatic response to one partner hitting the other is to leave. I don't want that, I want to try to fix it. How?[/QUOTE]

op my heart goes out to you , but you cant fix him its not your job to . he has the problem your problem is being used as his whipping post . i wouldnt stay with a child in that situation .

if he decides to radically change his ways then you may have a future together BUT thats up to him

stay safe i wish you the best

Reesy

Anongirl25 wrote: »

Please believe me - he's not a monster. I know it reads like that in my post.
This doesn't happen that often. It's rare, but it's unpredictable. It IS a big issue, I'm aware of that. I just can't leave him, I do love him and we have a child which means I have to try my best to sort this out somehow. At the moment, leaving him seems like a knee jerk reaction.
I really believe he can get help for it and sort it out, or at least I hope he can.
Is there no organisation for men like this? There only seems to be help for women that are abused, but is there no support for a man who needs help sorting out his behaviour?

If your husband wants to change & is prepared to talk it thru with a professional, then I'd humbly suggest he talks to his GP about therapy. That'd be a good test of how wonderful he is, IMHO.

JajaD

Please please please leave him. I am doing a degree in Gender and this involves looking deeply into relationships so i have read so many cases like yours. There should be no elements of violence in a relationship. Violence towards women isnt just physical abuse, its mental, pyschological abuse too. It is a form of control. His attempts at hitting you is letting you know that he is the boss and he doesnt care about you. A man should never ever raise his hand to a woman, most men know that but unfortunately there are men out there that do abuse their wife, girlfriend and children. You can be sure that if he raises his hand to you, he will raise his hand to your son. Your son picks up every bit of communication between you and your husband and it is proven that sons (most of the time) will follow in their fathers footsteps so do you want your son treating his future girlfriend or partner like the way your husband treats you?

You sound like a lovely woman and you should not be a victim to his weakness. He should be the one writing on forums asking people how he can do right by you..instead you are here, hurt, and asking for help. Dont let him win. You are important to your son, your son is important to you. Your husband thinks nothing of you by treating you like this. When he is violent and then acts as though nothing happened, this is pyschological games he is playing. He is making you think there is nothing wrong with him. Leave him, you will find someone who will treat you and your son with RESPECT and LOVE... and you will then realise what a waste of time your husband was. Once that violent streak is there, it never leaves. Trust me. It might stop for a year or more, but he will eventually hit you. It always gets worse. Get out while you and your son are ok. Think of your son. Is this what your parents would have wanted for you? Is this the marriage you dreamed about as a little girl? I imagine its not. There is always hope and happiness.

I have tonnes of literature on male violence towards women that will help you understand violence better. If you want them just send me a message and ill be delighted to pass them on.

I hope you and your son will be the winner out of this x

liah

I just want to say, as a child who came from a similar situation (my father became violent towards my mother), get out of there, OP.

What happened to my mother sounds like it's happening to you. It started small, but as it went on it did get worse. The boundaries got pushed further and further back until they were gone and there I was, a 3 year old witness to my dad hitting my mom.

She took me then and never looked back. I haven't seen him since I was an infant, but I had the chance to write with him over the last year (first contact for 20 years). He's still the same bitter, pathetic, sad, angry man. I told him in no uncertain terms where to go. I'd given him a chance to redeem himself, he didn't, and that's all that can be asked. You can't change the man.

Cut him out of your life and never look back. If my mother had not done what she had done my life could've been so much worse and I'd hate to think it could've gone any other way than the way it did-- safely out of his reach.

He never hit me, by the way, but I feel it was only a matter of time. I don't know for sure. But the fact that there was even a chance is more than enough for me.

Think about your son, OP. Do you really want him to, like me, have some of his very first memories be that of violence and sadness and mistrust? Having been there, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Also please take comfort in the fact that your child will respect you so much for leaving his father when he's older. It will inevitably cause issues when he's growing up, that's just a part of life, but the relationship I have with my mother is so unbelievably strong now that I truly understand what she's been through for me. I'm not sure I would have that same respect for her if she had stayed with a man who was violent.

Just something to consider from a different perspective..

LegacyUser

I'd like to thank you all for your comments. It has given me a lot to think about.
We have spoken about the row. I don't think he sees it as being so serious - I don't know, there seems to be some screwed up logic in his head whereby he's justifying his behaviour, or making our relationship faults and rows more dramatic than they are so that his lashing-out is somehow provoked.
There is a history of violence in his family and we've spoken about it before, and how the responsibility lies with him to now break the pattern. I've told him he needs to see someone, to make a real effort to change this behaviour. I don't know if he will actually do that though. But I don't want a repeat of the weekend ever again, and I never want my son to witness that behaviour. So if there is no real concrete effort made, I will be making plans for a separation. I do love him so much and I fell I can't take my child away from his father, he idolises him.
Although, as I type my own thoughts, I'm afraid it will be too easy just to potter along and try to forget about this episode until the next one happens in 6 months time.
He has sworn to me that he would never hit our child, but as a previous poster said, if he can control himself with a child, why can't he control himself from hitting me?
And I know the answer to that. He doesn't really love me that much does he?

Elbi

I think you should make him leave. You said “I don't think he sees it as being so serious” If he can hit you and not see it as serious how far could he go before he does think it’s serious!

If you aren’t frightened or worried for yourself I think you have a responsibility as a mother to take your child out of this environment. You say your child idolizes his father, maybe for now but he could grow to hate him or worse act like his father which you don’t want.

KittyeeTrix

OP. I can't give you any advice as I'm not really any good at this sort of thing. Personally, I would like to think that I'd be able to get up and walk away......

I can tell you though that no child should be witness to violence ever. Me and my hubby got a little snappy with each other last week in the kitchen when my 16 year old son was sitting having a bite to eat. It was more me, if I'm honest...Had a big stressed head on me due to it being exam time and I basically got very sharp mouthed. Just a regular couples row which we very rarely do, the fact that we are almost 19 years together is testament to that.

Point is that I noticed my son's head droop as the argument developed and I was ashamed when I saw the pure anguish on his face. Even at almost 17 when he is old enough to realise that people will have quarrels every so often , the fact that it was his mom and dad really upset him....

I couldn't imagine how he would feel if my husband was belting me....:(

john_trenor

I understand that you love him but he needs to get help. Your husband is letting his emotions posses him and you can't help him with that, he needs professional help. By standing by him you're only feeding his right of doing what he's doing. Your boy is also in all of this something to consider. It has a huge impact on him and some day he might not like the fact that you didn't protect him from it. Your husband needs help and you need to step away and let him get it. I hope this makes sense.

JajaD

Anongirl25 wrote: »

I'd like to thank you all for your comments. It has given me a lot to think about.
We have spoken about the row. I don't think he sees it as being so serious - I don't know, there seems to be some screwed up logic in his head whereby he's justifying his behaviour, or making our relationship faults and rows more dramatic than they are so that his lashing-out is somehow provoked.
There is a history of violence in his family and we've spoken about it before, and how the responsibility lies with him to now break the pattern. I've told him he needs to see someone, to make a real effort to change this behaviour. I don't know if he will actually do that though. But I don't want a repeat of the weekend ever again, and I never want my son to witness that behaviour. So if there is no real concrete effort made, I will be making plans for a separation. I do love him so much and I fell I can't take my child away from his father, he idolises him.
Although, as I type my own thoughts, I'm afraid it will be too easy just to potter along and try to forget about this episode until the next one happens in 6 months time.
He has sworn to me that he would never hit our child, but as a previous poster said, if he can control himself with a child, why can't he control himself from hitting me?
And I know the answer to that. He doesn't really love me that much does he?

Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.

No offence, coz i would hate someone to tell me, but by the sounds of things, no, he doesnt love you. My partner treats me like a princess, would never even roar at me. Thats what you deserve.

Hope everything works out.