What am I doing so wrong?

Jennifurball

I just can't seem to keep a man, even those who I have had fantastic dates with, they only ever seem to want to keep things casual. Even my potential **** buddy has started to ignore me, despite us meeting up for the 4th time (nothing has happened apart from kissing).

I was contemplating having him as my **** buddy even though I was advised against it but I know I can't because I like him too much. He has all of a sudden decided to stop texting me even though I haven't actually turned his offer down.

I tried the internet dating thing and they were all the same. As soon as they went back home, they deleted me off facebook etc. It is so disheartening.

Yet the ones you aren't interested in want the whole shebang. I don't act any different with any of these blokes, I am very guarded and not OTT with my affections/feelings, it is just in my head, the minute I decide I like/don't like someone, the opposite of what I want happens.

I am considered by my friends and family, a very good looking girl with a great personality and a lot to offer yet the men I like don't want that, the men I don't like think I am the best thing since sliced bread. They either just want sex from me or nothing at all. All my friends are either married or at least settled with kids and I am left on the shelf time and time again.

Sorry to moan but I needed to get it out and also have some advice on how to turn the tables.

G-Money

I don't think you are doing anything wrong unless you are somehow deliberately only interested in guys who you know there is no future with. The other guys that were into you, I'm not being awkward, but did you really give them as much of a chance? Some girls can complain about not meeting a guy or whatever but sometimes it turns out that their criteria for a guy is so strict that almost no-one could fit into it. I was seeing a girl earlier this year and she told me about a friend of her's who is so particular about what she wants in a guy it was no surprise she was still single and miserable. She said this girl only went for guys who looked a certain way, with a certain hair style, dressed a certain way, were from a certain area etc. And then of course she was complaining that she never met anyone. The girl I was seeing was saying she was never going to meet anyone when she has such unreasonable expectations and requirements and I had to agree.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it won't do any harm to ask yourself if that is the case.

If not, then unfortunately I guess you are just being unlucky. It happens to all of us. I met a girl off the internet a few weeks ago and when we met up, I really, really fancied her. It turned out she wasn't interested and it was very disappointing but unfortunately you can't make someone like you. All you can do is give them the opportunity to get to know you and be with you and if they're unwilling or unable to take that opportunity, f*** it, it really is their loss.

In my own head, I just chalk the rejections up to experience and add them to the list of girls who rejected me but who will regret it further down the line when they realise how hot and sexy I am. At which point I will take great pleasure in ignoring them :cool:

Jennifurball

No I don't have a particular type physically, in fact I was on a date last week with a man I used to work with and I never did fancy him but my mate set us up and we got on great and I actually started to find him attractive once we got to know each other. We both agreed it was a fab date but then he told me he isn't looking for anything serious and wants to meet up from time to time as he really enjoys my company.

Yet before I agreed to see him my friend was saying he is sick of playing the field and wants to settle down.

This is why I feel so down. I even give people a chance who I wouldn't normally choose myself. I am not a shallow person but the few men who really want me 100% are not attractive at all, they both have said they love me too and I have done nothing at all to give them any encouragement, in fact they know I have been dating around.

Miss Fluff

I think you're still carrying around a whole suitcase of issues from your break-up and whether you like it or not you're projecting these to the men you're meeting.

From your many many posts on men-related topics I think you come accross as very intense and chances are that's scaring people away.

My advice to you on this topic remains the same. I really think you need to totally swear off men for a few months and work on your self-esteem. You'll have a better chance of success and make better choices when you have had the time to work on yourself.

LegacyUser

OP, think about it, the guy wasn't going to tell you- well, at least, not on the first date- that he was "sick of playing the field& wants to settle down", maybe he was trying to keep it cool, keep it together, not scare you off or put too much pressure on the blossoming relationship in the early days. By saying he wants to meet you again,& agreeing it was a "fab date", that's a green light. (did you ask your mutual friend what the verdict was?- might get good feedback). Give him a chance, keep your options open- give him a chance to woo you before getting to the serious chat.

Jennifurball

I don't act/think that way when I am with someone, they all seem really keen then go off me all of a sudden. It sounds really bad on here but IRL I come across really well, I must do to some degree if I have others interested.

You are right, I need a break from it. I would be happy with a **** buddy if I am honest. I know I am not ready for a relationship. I enjoy the dating experience, it is just hard not knowing why they never want to take it further, or just want me for sex.

Miss Fluff

Jennifurball wrote: »

I just can't seem to keep a man, even those who I have had fantastic dates with, they only ever seem to want to keep things casual.

Jennifurball wrote: »

I don't act/think that way when I am with someone, they all seem really keen then go off me all of a sudden.I would be happy with a **** buddy if I am honest. I know I am not ready for a relationship.

Personally speaking, and I am only basing this on your posts as I don't know you, but I don't think you are in "the zone" to have a f*** buddy either. Not at all actually.

Having a FWB situation will only suit some people and I know far too many people who say that that's all they want and it's bullsh1t. These people are hoping it will turn into something else while all the while proclaiming its just about the sex. This is usually done by people who's self-esteem if so low that they will accept ANYTHING on offer to them rather than be rejected yet again.

Don't go there. Buy yourself a decent vibrator and seriously swear off ALL men for the time being and get your head together. Only then can you make a sensible and well-informed decison on what kind of guy you want to meet next rather than coasting from one rejection to the next.

IrishEyes19

amanspride wrote: »

OP, think about it, the guy wasn't going to tell you- well, at least, not on the first date- that he was "sick of playing the field& wants to settle down", maybe he was trying to keep it cool, keep it together, not scare you off or put too much pressure on the blossoming relationship in the early days. By saying he wants to meet you again,& agreeing it was a "fab date", that's a green light. (did you ask your mutual friend what the verdict was?- might get good feedback). Give him a chance, keep your options open- give him a chance to woo you before getting to the serious chat.

Totally agree with this, plus you never know where it might go. Fair enough if he says he doesnt want anything serious, but theres always the chance his feelings will change as he gets to know you, thats the beauty of relationships, emotions change and feelings change as we learn who the person we are dating is. Think of this this way, all new relationships really start out as not serious in the start anyway because we dont know the person we are dating fully, regardless of whether its a old friend or a new face, its a new game when you become romantically involved with them. It needs time to blossom and perhaps it could become serious. If you go into every relationship with a set of strict rules and make it obvious that you want it to be serious from the word go, it scares people away. I'm not saying that you actively act this way, but sometimes people give that vibe off without realising it especially if you haven't lucky in dating as of late.

The best advice really is to either just see where this goes if you want to, however I would also do what Miss Fluff says, take a break from dating until you reach a point where you're comfortable being single and boost your self esteem, it really does work. best of luck

sam34

Jennifurball wrote: »

Even my potential **** buddy has started to ignore me, despite us meeting up for the 4th time (nothing has happened apart from kissing).

I was contemplating having him as my **** buddy even though I was advised against it but I know I can't because I like him too much. He has all of a sudden decided to stop texting me even though I haven't actually turned his offer down.

you did actually turn his offer down, tho maybe not in as many words.

if he suggested being FBs, and ye met 4 times, and only kissed, then thats not accepting his offer/suggestion.

FBs are about sex, thats all. not dates, building up to it, just kissing for a few dates, they're just about sex.

if i had spoken to someone about being FBs, and they had agreed to meet on a few occasions and yet we never got beyond kissing, i'd bail out too.

this guy isnt looking for a friend or a relationship. he's looking for no strings attached sex and he wasnt getting it, so he walked.

i'd consider that to be better than him stringing you along and letting you believe that something more may develop when he has no interest in that.

harsh but true.

on a side note, i remember your post about considering being FBs with this guy and i think its a disaster, as you clearly have feelings for him. for FBs to work it has to be about sex and nothing else for both parties.

sam34

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Having a FWB situation will only suit some people and I know far too many people who say that that's all they want and it's bullsh1t. These people are hoping it will turn into something else while all the while proclaiming its just about the sex. This is usually done by people who's self-esteem if so low that they will accept ANYTHING on offer to them rather than be rejected yet again.

nice genralisations there.

FBs can work spectacularly well.

it depends however on total honesty from both people.
where it goes wrong is in situations like the op here, where she secretly fancies the guy and is hoping that by being FBs he'll fall madly in love with her.

if both people are honest that all they want is NSA sex without the hassle, uncertainty and danger of trawling nightclubs, and they would prefer the regularity and safety of shagging an acquaintence, then everyone knows where they stand.

some people can separate sex from emotions, and these people are the ones that have successful FB arrangements.

in my case, i had an FB for almost a year. he was someone i knew from a previous job, i didnt get on particularly well with him as a person, we'd enver have been friends but the sexual chemistry was amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing. it worked well for us, at a time when (for various reasons) neither of us wanted a full blown relationship. it only ended when i met a guy i wanted to start seeing, and i wasnt prepared to cheat. i still meet the FB the odd time at conferences and we just smile and exchange pleasantries without any embarrassment or indignity or awkwardness.

Miss Fluff

sam34 wrote: »

nice genralisations there.

FBs can work spectacularly well.

You might like to have taken the time to read my post in context. FB situations can work spectacularly well yes, I'm an advocate of them myself. But they don't suit some people and certainly not someone as clearly fragile as the OP is.