Proposing dilemma

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. Anonymous posting isn't available over in the wedding forums (and she knows my username) but this is playing on my mind for a bit now and I need to make the right choice.

I have decided that I want to propose to my girlfriend. We're going out over 4 years, late 20s and joke about when we will be 'old and grey together'.

I don't have a great deal of money right now to give her the ring that she deserves - thank you Irish economy! But the time is right. What I do have is my grandmothers ring (not 100% sure if it was her wedding ring or engagement ring and can't ask my mother for fear of beans being split!) so I thought I could use this as an interim ring and let her pick her own when I have the money. I actually handed the ring into a jewellers today to get a quote on getting it repaired as it needs a new stone set but I haven't committed to anything.

Is this a terrible idea? Is it cheap of me to not buy a ring myself? I don't want to propose without a ring. I don't want to disappoint her either.

Girls opinions most welcome (and lads too!)

Nevyn

Some people will get a cheap ring to propose with and then pick one out.
A family ring is nice I think, but it is what she thinks of the idea and of the ring it's self.

deisemum

I wouldn't want anyone elses ring as an engagement ring but would prefer to choose my own ring.

I'd see an interim ring as the original engagement ring and would prefer to be proposed to without a ring and then go off and choose one together.

Kalimah

I think your idea is a lovely one. I'd be honoured to be proposed to with a family ring. Go ahead and propose with the ring and when you have a bit more money you could buy a ring together if she wants. All the very best and let us know how you get on!

LegacyUser

I think it's a lovely idea, and very sweet. I don't get these girls who have their ideal engagement ring in their head, who want a '24 carat square cut diamond with blah blah blah'.... to me, that's missing the whole point of getting engaged in the first place. The ring is there to signify that you're committed to someone else, not how rich they are. If my partner was holding back on proposing to me solely because of a money issue, I'd be upset - I'd rather have an onion ring on my finger and know he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life, than for him to think that I'd want an expensive ring.

But that's just me....

Daisy Steiner

Go with your gut op, at the end of the day what matters more, your future happiness or some circle of metal

Personally, I think the family ring is a lovely idea, the ring is a symbol and no matter what form that symbol takes, it's the intent that is important.

I would prefer to be happy and loved with a vintage ring, than strapped for cash buying jewellery that would cause financial worries.

Everyone is different though, and I realise my opinion may not be popular, but I think the finger is more important than what's on it!

Malari

I think it's a lovely idea. It's basically just an antique ring except you happen to know the person who owned it. Maybe if it's not your girlfriend's style you could pick one out in the future when finances are better but I think it's much more the sentiment that's important for the proposal.

RIRI

I too think it's a lovely idea, I'm sure your GF will be delighted with both the ring & the proposal.

Oh and good luck

bp

My OH proposed to me recently and used a 'token ring'. Fields etc sell rings that can be used for the occasion.

I always thought I wanted a certain shape ring, now I was an exact replica of the one I have. We cannot afford a real ring right now but who cares. I wear my fake ring with pride, it looks so real.

Maybe propose with either your grandmothers ring (which is really sweet) or get a token ring and explain that when you guys have more money, or the birth of a first child upgrade for a real diamond!

Congrats and good luck

carolinespring

head_wrecked wrote: »

Going unreg for this. Anonymous posting isn't available over in the wedding forums (and she knows my username) but this is playing on my mind for a bit now and I need to make the right choice.

I have decided that I want to propose to my girlfriend. We're going out over 4 years, late 20s and joke about when we will be 'old and grey together'.

I don't have a great deal of money right now to give her the ring that she deserves - thank you Irish economy! But the time is right. What I do have is my grandmothers ring (not 100% sure if it was her wedding ring or engagement ring and can't ask my mother for fear of beans being split!) so I thought I could use this as an interim ring and let her pick her own when I have the money. I actually handed the ring into a jewellers today to get a quote on getting it repaired as it needs a new stone set but I haven't committed to anything.

Is this a terrible idea? Is it cheap of me to not buy a ring myself? I don't want to propose without a ring. I don't want to disappoint her either.

Girls opinions most welcome (and lads too!)

I think it lovely and romantic. A ring with a story and not just a another shiny thing!!! Go for it and good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Ok this is what happened today...I had a niggling feeling in the back of my head I may not have had the ring I thought I had. I had to make sure so tried to ask my mother subtlety if that was the engagement ring I had. She clicked straight away why I was asking and left the room laughing and returned and handed me a beautiful diamond ring that was in fact my grandmothers ACTUAL engagement ring. (Don't get me wrong - I'm not a mammys boy but had to make sure I had the right ring!)

The consensus here seems to be its a good idea so I'll go ahead with my plan. There are a couple of dates coming up in the next few months which are significant so hopefully I can build up the balls to ask her sometime then. Oh and it gave my mother a lift today as well as she is undergoing chemo at the mo.

Thanks boardies. :-)

FoxT

Go fer it & best of luck,my friend!

When I got engaged the ar*e was out of my trousers & my wife's, too. Her mother gave us her engagement ring. ( So I had to ask her mum could I marry her daughter , and ehhh any chance of the oul ring! )

I bought a ring as well, but was a fairly tatty one, as I was skint at the time.. We were in the cinema one night & I squeezed her hand at a sad part & buckled the ring! Years later, I bought my wife a beautiful ring that she loves. Yet, she still keeps the old buckled one close, it means a lot to her. This really surprised me, tbh, cos I always looked on the buckled ring with a bit of embarrassment.

So, my suggestion is... try get some kind of ring, even if it is out of a lucky bag! And write a card or a letter to accompany it. She will treasure it.

- FoxT

magneticimpulse

I think its a lovely idea about the family ring....one of a kind, unique etc.

However I think its very clinched to get engaged around Christmas and New Years. I personally would prefer a random time like March - Sept to get engaged, that way the engagement is not overshadowed by another celebration day such as Christmas.

I know alot of my friends feel the same about Christmas too. Christmas is Christmas...its not about engagements.

Depends what you think...maybe she would love it now and its not a problem that its Christmas. But I would try to get a feeling for when the time is right to propose from her and if she would be bothered by the fact that it is overshadowing an already time to celebrate. I think its better when its so unexpected and just some random day like 23rd of April lets say...nothing else happening and its a special day, your day etc.

LegacyUser

Hi Op. I got engaged recently & I can honestly say I dont care what my ring cost. My other half chose it & it's lovely. He's not very well paid & I'm guessing he didnt spend too much on it, but it's not the ring that counts, it's what it signifies. I don't understand people who are so hung up on rings having to cost a specific % of your annual salary or however that calculation goes. Surely it's about planning to spend the rest of your life with somebody that counts, not the cost of your engagement ring.

Go for it with the proposal & I think it's great she's getting your grandmothers ring. It's a lovely idea & it will make her feel she's really part of your family.

kylith

Honestly I'd prefer a €5 ring chosen with love than a €1000 ring chosen because of the price tag. I think that an heirloom ring sounds lovely.

carolinespring

head_wrecked wrote: »

OP here.

Ok this is what happened today...I had a niggling feeling in the back of my head I may not have had the ring I thought I had. I had to make sure so tried to ask my mother subtlety if that was the engagement ring I had. She clicked straight away why I was asking and left the room laughing and returned and handed me a beautiful diamond ring that was in fact my grandmothers ACTUAL engagement ring. (Don't get me wrong - I'm not a mammys boy but had to make sure I had the right ring!)

The consensus here seems to be its a good idea so I'll go ahead with my plan. There are a couple of dates coming up in the next few months which are significant so hopefully I can build up the balls to ask her sometime then. Oh and it gave my mother a lift today as well as she is undergoing chemo at the mo.

Thanks boardies. :-)

So excited for you. Let us know how it goes. Will be dying to hear. I am so glad you spoke to your mum and got the second ring, I am totally sure your lady will be trilled with it. I know I would be.

Also Hope all goes well with you mum chemo.

KittyeeTrix

Hi OP,
I got engaged over 18 years ago and my ring cost something like 100 pound........We actually only married 6 years ago and had 4 children before we did.

My point is that the ring at the end of the day amounts to sweet feck all in the grand scheme of things. If she's the woman your gonna spend the rest of your life with she would be happy to say yes to you even if you put a coke can ring thingy in a box and gave that to her....... Many of my own friends and even my own sister had the biggest of weddings and big sparkling diamond solitaire engagement rings and have ended up separated.

Good luck with it and honestly if she loves ya the ring won't matter.......but as for myself, I personally would've loved an engagement ring worn by my hubbys grandmother or mother if one had've been available......I think that type of sentiment is amazing and the fanciest, most expensive rings in the world just cannot compete IMO...:)

Let us know how ya get on won't ya;)

deisemum

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Hi OP,
I got engaged over 18 years ago and my ring cost something like 100 pound........We actually only married 6 years ago and had 4 children before we did.

My point is that the ring at the end of the day amounts to sweet feck all in the grand scheme of things. If she's the woman your gonna spend the rest of your life with she would be happy to say yes to you even if you put a coke can ring thingy in a box and gave that to her....... Many of my own friends and even my own sister had the biggest of weddings and big sparkling diamond solitaire engagement rings and have ended up separated.

Good luck with it and honestly if she loves ya the ring won't matter.......but as for myself, I personally would've loved an engagement ring worn by my hubbys grandmother or mother if one had've been available......I think that type of sentiment is amazing and the fanciest, most expensive rings in the world just cannot compete IMO...:)

Let us know how ya get on won't ya;)

I agree with this.

I got engaged 23 years ago, married nearly 21 years. My ring cost a couple of hundred pounds (in UK) and it suited my hand. It's at least 13 years since I wore it due to putting on weight but I love the ring as it is and wouldn't adjust it. I don't wear my wedding ring but I was never gone on wearing rings of any sort anyway.

Malari

Dostoevsky wrote: »

It's your job to do yourself a favour and get your girlfriend to get real with any expectations she may have. Alternatively tell her you'll get her a €5,000 ring if she buys you a €5,000 car. She'll soon shut up then (in shock, obviously). Fair is fair. As it turned out, my girlfriend chose a particular ring and wanted to make a substantial contribution towards it (although I still paid for most of the cost, despite my paltry income). And she did. Considering she earns much more than me it would be quite disgusting if she didn't. Women can be awfully selfish, delusional creatures and put enormous pressure on a guy they love - if the guy let's them away with it. Their fathers *should* pay for their weddings because it is *entirely* their fault that their children's princess tendencies were not nipped in the bud years before. That can't be said enough.

Oh, and wait until the financial pressure and politics of the wedding hits the fan. :mad:

Wow, we don't know anything about what the OP's girlfriend expects from his posts. He seems to be worried more that the engagement ring was originally belonging to someone else, rather than its value. I don't know why you assume she's insisting on a €5k ring just because he's concerned what he's doing isn't exactly conventional. Most of the women who've replied here think it's a lovely idea.

LegacyUser

Dostoevsky wrote: »

I went into Avoca and got a very classy-looking ring for €25. A female friend chose it and dragged me in to get it. Then I proposed to my very own high maintenance little princess. She absolutely loved the ring, said it was everything she wanted and all the rest. And for years I was certain from all her talking that she was an expert on engagement rings. She never spotted that it wasn't real. And was showing it to everyone (I was cringing at that stage as I didn't expect her to think it was a real one). I told her it was only a token a couple of days later and that we'd get a real one when I could afford it. But I could have got away with it.

It's your job to do yourself a favour and get your girlfriend to get real with any expectations she may have. Alternatively tell her you'll get her a €5,000 ring if she buys you a €5,000 car. She'll soon shut up then (in shock, obviously). Fair is fair. As it turned out, my girlfriend chose a particular ring and wanted to make a substantial contribution towards it (although I still paid for most of the cost, despite my paltry income). And she did. Considering she earns much more than me it would be quite disgusting if she didn't. Women can be awfully selfish, delusional creatures and put enormous pressure on a guy they love - if the guy let's them away with it. Their fathers *should* pay for their weddings because it is *entirely* their fault that their children's princess tendencies were not nipped in the bud years before. That can't be said enough.

Oh, and wait until the financial pressure and politics of the wedding hits the fan. :mad:

Jeez, bitter much?!

Ickle Magoo

Dostoevsky, if you want to rant about assumed expectations the OP hasn't even hinted at, financial pressures, wedding politics or anything else relating more to yourself than the OP, take it to the Ranting and Raving forum.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle