Need advice please!

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'm a guy, and I've got a problem that I'd love some female advice on.

To make a long story short: A couple of months ago I met a girl, had instant, very strong magnetism that we both noticed.
She lives a long way from me (other side of the world) and is engaged. She told me that she was scared of the prospect of getting married because she wasn't happy with him and felt trapped because all her family and friends loved him and were looking forward to the wedding.

She and I corresponded for a few weeks, very full-on, very emotional, we both felt there was something really special between us.
Her fiance was going away with work for a couple of weeks, and she asked me if I'd visit her, so we could spend some time together to see if our feelings were real.

(We hadn't, at this stage, been intimate together at all apart from a few kisses when we first met).

So I went. Spent a week with her, it was amazing. I have never got on with anyone so well, she said the same, we told each other we loved each other, I personally felt more for her than I ever had and she said the same.

Everything was perfect. Every second together was wonderful. Every look, touch, laugh, literally everything we did was amazing, we both said it.

She said the time we'd spend together was the best week of her life. I agreed.

Looking back on it, neither of us was 'leading', we were both blown away by what was going on between us.

After I'd left she decided she couldn'y get married, and cancelled the engagement. But as her fiance is a very nice bloke (apparently) she couldn't bring herself to finish with him, as he'd be devastated, and he didn't deserve the upset (her words).

They'd been seeing each other for 3 years and engaged 1 year.

He of course knew something was wrong, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him. She wanted to get herself to the stage where she could finish with him because she didn't want to be with him, not because there was someone else, if you see what I mean.

I think she was also hoping that he would get so pi$$ed off with the lack of intimacy, lack of interest etc that he'd finish with her.

But. Then a bad thing happened. Someone emailled (with a false name) him and told him all about what had been going on. I don't know who it was, but it was someone close to one of us because they knew everything. I've only confided all the details with a couple of people here, and none of them know who her fiance is or how to contact him.

She had only confided in her sister, she says.

Anyway, as you can imagine there was a major bust-up, he emailled and texted all their friends and family telling them what she'd been up to, etc etc.

However, she called me the night it happened and told me she'd decided to go back to him 'because she loved him'. It was a rushed 5 minute phone call from her work, because he'd taken her phone and told her he was monitoring her emails (He's an IT type and quite capable of doing that).

I was devastated. She promised to call back in a couple of days and talk about it further, but she never did.

I got a phone call from her sister the next day (sis lives in the same country), basically accusing me of sending the email and telling me I was a manipulative liar who had deliberately set out to destroy two peoples' lives. I tried and tried but she wouldn't believe that I hadn't sent it. She told me to forget her, respect her decision etc.

But I can't respect her decision because I know its the wrong one. If he was the right man for her she wouldn't have done anything with me, let along say all the meaningful stuff she did and do the things we did. She had also apparently had sex with another guy a couple of times before while away on business.

I can't see how their relationship would ever work. How could he ever trust her again, knowing that I'd been in their house, doing what we did?

I suspect she wants to rebuild their relationship because she feels so guilty to have hurt him and is full of pity. Wants to make it up to him etc.

She won't return my calls, won't answer my emails. I've been portrayed as the bad guy in all this, I think her sister has convinced her that I'm a ba$tard and I effed up their relationship on purpose.

All I want is to talk to her and try to persuade her that I'm not the guilty party. If/when their relationship fails obviously I'd love it if she came back to me ("the love of her life" as she told me), but that will never happen while she hates me because of the lies she's been told.

I feel so bad, I don't know what to do. I sent her a letter (because that was the only way of contacting her as he has her phone and is monitoring her emails) telling her how I felt and that I was innocent, but I got no response.

The only time I tried calling her she hung up on me and now won't answer the phone to me.

First she de-friended me and all common friends on facebook, and now she seems to be gone from it completely.

Some friends have told me I should go there, turn up and talk to her. I'm not sure though, she might hate that.

But what should I do? If anything.

Your thoughts would really be appreciated. Before I go off my head.

Thanks.

G.

Wibbs

The Ladies Lounge isn't the place for this sort of thing and you'll get better advice here anyway.

Nevyn

IF she has cut all ties and contacts with you then she has made her choice.
She choose him and that realtionship over what ever it was between ye.
You need to learn to accept that and respect it, grief over what you have lost and get on with your life.

LegacyUser

Wonder if any girls can give me their take on this.

Like what on earth could be going through her mind? Do you think that relationship will work? And is there anything I can do to defend myself and make her believe I'm not the bad guy?

Thanks

(OP)

Ickle Magoo

I'm not sure why you think female posters will have some magical notion of what she's thinking and why that male posters won't...

Anyway, she sounds like she wanted a last minute fling, had one and has now decided the grass isn't actually any greener. Whether the relationship with another man will work or not is irrelevant, the only piece of information you need to absorb is she made a clear and precise choice that the man she was going to be in a relationship with wasn't you.

I don't know what you mean about defending yourself or making her believe you aren't the bad guy, you both had a relationship knowing she was already in a relationship with someone else - you would have been delighted to still be in a relationship with her so in effect you were trying to destroy their relationship and forge one of your own...and you did so without ever demanding first of all that she break up with the other guy. I can understand why there are a few folks calling you some choice names.

I'm not moralising but I think you have to be honest about your intentions and what you did - regardless of strength of feeling or even reciprocation, cheating, whether directly or as the "other guy/girl" has a nasty tendency of biting you back in the butt in one way or another. Regardless, she's made her choice now and you have to respect that. She has your number and she knows how to get in touch with you if that is what she wants - demanding she converse with you is just going to cement the view that you are doing all the chasing. I think you need to forget the idealistic image that your great love is being held against her will and all calls and messages are being screened and she'd be in touch in a second if she could but for the guilt....I doubt that's actually the case.

My advice? Chalk it up to experience and move on.

LegacyUser

Hi. Im a female if this helps.
I dont think you can ever have a good relationship with this woman whether she decided to come back to you or not, it started in such a bad way, cheating on her Fiance and you knowing this and still going along with it.
She will have huge guilt to deal with now and you trying to contact her will only make her guilt and suffering worse.
No one stays with a guy 3 years and says YES to their proposal without there being something there.
She was probably getting slight cold feet as i assume some people do before they get married and you were a distraction and a lift and a bit of a rush.
You cannot simply exchange emotional / deep emails with a person and spend a week being together and know this is the one, its just not realistic.
This is the honeymoon phase!!! Everyone feels like this to some degree at the start of a relationship, what matters is what things are like after thats faded and its into normal everyday living, everyday life... She was having an affair!!! Its going to be a rush and fun and feel amazing, especially if she was bored and having cold feet.
It still isnt indicative of how you would be together as a couple, not by a long shot.
Leave the poor girl alone. You should never EVER have gone as far as you did.
People at certain points in their relationships especially if they are feeling doubtful are a lot more suggestible and swayed than when things are going ok, but it still doesnt mean their relationship isnt there!!! Her mistake AND yours. You should have respected her relationship and let her go through the process herself until she was in a position to be woowed as it were.
Right now you need to leave her well alone.
Whether it was you who sent the mail or not, someone else out there knew it was wrong what you both did.
You are both going to suffer from the guilt in the long term, more so her i would say, this will hurt her a lot and she'll have to deal with it herself.
Make it easier on her and disappear.
You'll never be able to trust each other if you were properly together anyway knowing what youre both capable of.
So yeah, my advice is leave it. Its a dream, a fantasy, feels great cos its a fling of 1 week and its not real living. Let it go and let her get her relationship back if indeed she is able to do that.

Neyite

you say you are being portrayed as the bad guy here - well, that is the story she is spinning to get out of getting caught cheating on her fiance.

she has made it clear from her silence, that you two are over. its rotten that she set you up to take the crap for it, but there are only so many times she can play that card.

move on and forget her. she sounds like a rotten, manipulative liar who uses and then disgards people.

LegacyUser

(OP)

Thanks for the advice, especially the last two. I asked for a female perspective because I'm a male, and we don't think the same way!

I get all you say. I'm not sure about her being a 'poor' girl, but having said that I'm sure she's going through as much turmoil as I am right now.

I also don't think she's a manipulative liar, I think SHE'S being manipulated by those around her, including her family.

But I understand what you're recommending. I guess I've done all I can, and chances are I'll never really know or understand what went on, so I should as you say chalk it down to a bad experience and move on.

Hard to do of course, but unless I hear from her there really is no alternative.

Thanks again.

G.

LegacyUser

Sorry you are right, i shouldnt have said "poor girl" it was late i was typing fast
Most of what i said i did mean though, hope it wasnt a bit harsh, and believe me, i do know that you'll feel guilt in the future too over what happened, the same thing happened to me and this is why i feel so strongly to advise...
I was with a guy a few times who ended up to be engaged, and after i found out i was still with him again once or twice because i was SO into this guy.
Well i cant tell you, its taken me about 2 years to get over the guilt and deal with the issues that it left me with about guys, affairs, love etc.
Of course he stayed with his fiance and apparently have a baby now (i saw on Facebook).
I was just a bit of fun, which also left me scarred as i really cared for him.
I did feel bad for him though, and i did see my own input into what happened, and i felt responsible for so long, but id never want for her to find out- ever. I knew he loved her once i found out about her and it was far too little to distroy a relationship of that many years over. Its bloody hard on both sides, but the best i could do was to disappear when he told me and made his choice not to cheat anymore.
I really hope this helps and i feel for you i really do, i spent nights crying myself to sleep over not being with him, but NOW i know it was a fantasy, we would have never worked long term we were so wrong, it was all physical and a rush thats all.
Good luck

LegacyUser

(OP)

Yes I do appreciate your advice.

It doesn't feel like just an affair though, as she said some very deep and meaningful things to me, and I have the emails to prove it! Neither of us, at the time, thought it was a fling.

However, maybe now she does regret it and has gone with the sensible option.

I still don't know though how their relationship will work, if I was in his shoes I'd never trust her again, she went too far.

However, out of my hands now I guess.

Thanks again.

G.