How will I find someone new, with my problem!

LegacyUser

Hey all,
Really down today and of course why not kick yourself when your down.
GF of 7 years dumped me 2 months ago and while I m slowly getting over that the anxiety and panic attacks I suffer from are only getting worse. And now thanks to the weather I m freaking about the traffic.

I have a phobia of been trapped and this comes out while in traffic. Trains planes, buses are a no no and spend all day making it worse thinking about it.

Whats weighing on my mind is how am I ever going to find someone who will accept my problem and want to be with me.
I met my ex when I had more control over but as the years went by it slowly took over my life. This was one of the main reasons she left. I am getting help for the past year but the pain gets extremely intense sometimes.
Going to concerts, holidays, other towns on nights out are just to much now.
So what woman would want that?

I think of myself as a good guy with a good heart. I have a good job, a house (now ), gym regualrly and not to bad looking either (I think). All of this means nothing when I think of the phobia and panic attacks.

No woman would want me, would they? It just makes the anxiety and depression worse to think of it. I have always been a relationship kinda guy. Just feel lost without that companionship!

xkariex

Of course you will find someone. You sound like a nice geniuine person and im sure a lot of girls will be thrilled to be with you.

Maybe at the moment you should concentrate on getting through your phobia and not letting it take over your life ..

Pebbles68

A phobia shouldn't stop you living, meeting someone and loving. There are many, many people who have overcome phobias. Have a look at the phobias board. It is possible, there are many therapies available, look into them, you will find right the one for you. Once you conquer your phobia you can show the world the real you and find the love you deserve.
Good luck

whatsamsn

Some women wont see this an issue. But to be perfectly blunt alot would (the world we live in)
My advice is rather than worrying about how could you get a girl, or worrying if a girl would accept you ... try to overcome this because this IS something you can over come

LegacyUser

whatsamsn wrote: »

Some women wont see this an issue. But to be perfectly blunt alot would (the world we live in)

Thats exactly it. Everyone I know wants to be flying here, or going there constantly. So when perspective partner comes along she might like the wrapping but when she's hears this!

Thanks all, I have only started to get this problem fixed. Going through therapy for the past year, on medication and also trying holistic approach. CBT and Hypno might be the next step.
The thing is I let this thing engrave itself into my life that I m afraid I ll never be ride of it fully and by extension never find someone to love.

But I think I allowed myself to lean on her so much over the years that is so hard to see myself doing this without support like hers. It was very little in all honesty but the odd word of encouragement was great and just knowing someone was there for me.
My family and friends are great but its the closeness we had.

Taltos

OP - my take is maybe you are mixing these issues up too much or to an extent that you cannot see clearly.

1. Phobia
2. Loss of partner & feeling of alone

There may be even more - can I suggest that you continue to get treatment for your phobia. At the same time you need to come to terms with the loss of your girlfriend - and all that entails - extended support...

Most of us have gone through being dumped or a relationship breakup. You need to give yourself time here and deal with the feelings of loss that you are experiencing. This will take time. It could take a few weeks to a few months or more. Something that helped me was when I found myself dwelling or falling into a fug was to give myself a shake and to tell myself to cop on. Over time the amount of times I had to cop on reduced...

Find someone to talk to - or if you feel too embarrassed use this site to unburden yourself. Maybe even just writing down how you feel will help - but remember - shake and cop on

There have been some excellent threads here in the last few months where some folk told how they got through this loss - either look for them - or just ask some of the posters here for help...

Best of luck and hope things appear better for you soon.

Princess Peach

Can't speak for everyone woman, but this certainly wouldn't put me off. I wouldn't be with a guy just for going to concerts or for nights out, so if thats not something you want to do its fine. Any nice girl will just want a good guy who makes her happy and they have a good time together, no matter what they are doing. And any girl who likes you will support you and want to help you with the bad times.

You're getting help which I think is great, it can be very hard to admit you have a problem and deal with it. It shows good character to me.

Try not to let this get you down and focus on getting your anxiety under control. When the right girl comes along she will love you for who you are. Everybody has problems they worry about, and how it will affect any relationship. So just try to take it easy and hopefully you will meet someone soon, and until then don't dwell too much on it.

jimmycrackcorm

xkariex wrote: »

Of course you will find someone. You sound like a nice geniuine person and im sure a lot of girls will be thrilled to be with you.

That's not necessarily true though

Maybe at the moment you should concentrate on getting through your phobia and not letting it take over your life ..

That is.

Kimono-Girl

Princess Peach wrote: »

Can't speak for everyone woman, but this certainly wouldn't put me off. I wouldn't be with a guy just for going to concerts or for nights out, so if thats not something you want to do its fine. Any nice girl will just want a good guy who makes her happy and they have a good time together, no matter what they are doing. And any girl who likes you will support you and want to help you with the bad times.

You're getting help which I think is great, it can be very hard to admit you have a problem and deal with it. It shows good character to me.

Try not to let this get you down and focus on getting your anxiety under control. When the right girl comes along she will love you for who you are. Everybody has problems they worry about, and how it will affect any relationship. So just try to take it easy and hopefully you will meet someone soon, and until then don't dwell too much on it.

+1

i used feel the same as you i had quite literally a complete mental breakdown, ended up in counseling and ended up in quite a lot of trouble and after i felt nobody would want to ever date me once they found out about my past, and that i was 'crazy'.

i had three relationships since and many opportunity to have more that didn't work out once i explained the above, and i was totally honest with them from the start, sure i lost a few guys because of my past but i found 2 who like me anyways, then 2 years ago i found a guy who didn't judge me, i told him absolutely everything about what happened, he took some time to think about it and i gave him space to do so, we are stlll together today and to be honest he's had such a calming effect on me!

maybe you will find the same. all i would suggest is to be honest as soon as you are confortable you'll probably be pleasantly surprised at how accepting some people can be! There are people out there who will judge you but there are more who won't!

I'm sure you will find the right girl for you, but if i were you id concentrate on getting over the phobia first!

Zen65

Cant see my future wrote: »

I think of myself as a good guy with a good heart. I have a good job, a house (now ), gym regualrly and not to bad looking either (I think). All of this means nothing when I think of the phobia and panic attacks.

No woman would want me, would they?

OP, the world is full of people with their own worries, fears and phobias. Agoraphobia & claustrophobic are pretty common, and rarely stop people from finding you attractive. I believe that hypnotherapy is very effective for the treatment of your phobias, so take heart that this is not the big issue you may believe it to be.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Cant see my future wrote: »

Thats exactly it. Everyone I know wants to be flying here, or going there constantly. So when perspective partner comes along she might like the wrapping but when she's hears this!

Hey OP, I am a g/f of a guy who has the same problems as you. When we started going out he wans't that bad but as the years went on, its alot worse. I just go out with my friends instead of my b/f. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't share nights out with him but hey! I can come home to him after. In regards to travel, we now get the boat to France every year and take it from there. In the past we have been all over Europe, Iceland, Russia and next summer we are going to the Faroe Islands. Of course its a more expensive and very time consuming way of travelling, but part of the fun is now getting there.

OP my advice to you, is take it one day at a time. when meeting girls go to quiet pubs, resturants etc you will find someone who will be more than happy to accept you

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

That's not necessarily true though

Ah thanks Jimmy, what a confidence boost ha ha! But I do understand.

Thanks so much to you all for your advice. Of course my first priority is getting rid of this thing controlling my life but on a bad day its hard to over look the other things that make me happy and how to get them.

Hypnotherapy wiped it out a couple of years ago but because of underlying stuff they slowly crept back in. Since starting the therapy thing improved so much but the fear is still there. When she left, things just turned to **** and its hard to look at just one or the other problem.
I think hypno and maybe CBT might be the final step.

Yesterday was a bad and to be honest. Got a surprised by a traffic jam, felt the panic coming, breathing slowly kept me on the edge until I got in to work after reading this thread turned it right around.
Today I'm brimming with confidence about the whole situation.

Thanks again for all your help. I think I'll bookmark this thread : )

glen25

Hey cant see my future..
I've been having the exact same type panic attacks the past few years (planes/trains/traffic jams) and have just started getting some counselling for it. I had tried medication and CBT in the past but they didnt work for me. One of the things I was thinking about was hypnotherapy before I started on the couselling which is going pretty good at the moment. My email address is theperfectroommate2004@yahoo.com (an old one i reactivated for this post. Try .co.uk if the .com doesnt deliver) if you want to ask me about the counselling I've started. I wouldnt mind finding out about the hypno that you did in the past either.. Or even just to have a chat with someone that experiences the same type panic might be good..
Cheers
D.

LegacyUser

user3457678 wrote: »

Hey OP, I am a g/f of a guy who has the same problems as you. When we started going out he wans't that bad but as the years went on, its alot worse. I just go out with my friends instead of my b/f. It makes me sad sometimes that I can't share nights out with him but hey! I can come home to him after. In regards to travel, we now get the boat to France every year and take it from there. In the past we have been all over Europe, Iceland, Russia and next summer we are going to the Faroe Islands. Of course its a more expensive and very time consuming way of travelling, but part of the fun is now getting there.

OP my advice to you, is take it one day at a time. when meeting girls go to quiet pubs, resturants etc you will find someone who will be more than happy to accept you

Thanks, well done to you for being so supportive.
She was the same up until a few months ago. We had planned to try ferrying and I took her all over Ireland, the best I could do. Would go out with her friends and then home to me. In the end I guess she just didn't want a weight around her neck like me.
"I'm bored and want to see what else is out there" were her exact words.

I hope someday I ll meet someone but by then I hope I wont have this problem anymore.

Thanks again.

glen25

I just noticed, while looking thru my account, that this is the only thread that I was following. I know it's a year old but hopefully the original poster is still on boards. I think what made me follow the thread was the fact that the OP could be describing me down to a tee with his original post. Like him, i havent been out of the country, been on public transport, effectively never been too far from home, in around 8 years. Anyway, long story short, after 8 long years of panic and anxiety I hit a wall last week. I've tried loads of therapies in the past - CBT, EFT, counselling, medication, psychiatrists etc etc. so last week I called the counsellor that I'd been to previously looking for help. I wanted to try hypnotherapy as I could no longer use a therapy that needed me to be the driver of the change. I just wasn't able to do it on my own anymore. Last Thursday I met a hypno psychotherapist (someone who knows the psycho side of things and not just the typical give up smoking hypnotherapy we all know about) and we set out a plan for me. We started with EMDR Therapy (google it, unreal simple but very effective) and we're gonna do some hypnotherapy along with it in the next few sessions. Thursday night, I lay awake thinking about where I might go on holidays! I haven't as much as logged onto a holiday website in 8 years with the fear and panic it instilled in me. I actually cannot believe the change in one session.This guy, and the previous counsellor, diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for an incident that happened years ago. The panic attacks were happening as a result of this. I'm now excited for the first time in years about things getting resolved. Just wanted to let u know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In hindsight, all the other therapies laid the foundations for this new stuff.

iPhone's aren't great for writing or reviewing long posts especially when you have big fingers but I hope u get the gist of things I thought I'd never be free of panic or see the world as I once saw it, but I'm hopeful now that things are a changing...