want to know if he feels anything for me?

myboylollipop

Hi guys,
I've been seeing my boyfriend for about three months. I met him through a friend a few months back but didn't think much of him beyond a random drunken kiss if he happened to be out. I think we get on really well,he makes me laugh and i feel really at ease with him. I think he is the same with me, confides in me and is very open and honest which i love. The issue lies in that our relationship is a long distance one, cant see each other every week because of college, work and family commitments. I understand this and in some ways it keeps things fresh. But I feel its me who is doing all the contacting and the arranging to meet up. I'm not needy don't even text him every day either!! But I feel that at least if he contacts me he is thinking of me/missing me. Mentioned it before how it bothers me(without making a big deal of it)and hasn't changed anything. I just don't know what his feelings are for me really. Like he has to like me some bit but half hearted, wishy-washy feelings aren't good enough. I know I need to talk to him but prob wont be seeing him for two weeks. Its getting me down because in others ways he is way more affectionate than previous b.f's. He has said before he cant talk about feelings and I suppose I should just judge him by how he treats me. I just feel with him when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind. Has anyone gone through similar situation?? Advice??

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I think in some ways these things are common for most men in relationships...
Maybe other people can back me up here?
Ive had the same experience with a few guys ive been with, i think men and women just behave differently when we're apart.
Men tend to be far more autonomous- like to work on their own, figure things out on their own, and deal with things in a singular fashion, ie: they are not so much multi-taskers as us women are. When they are in work they are better at focussing on *just* work than women are, same goes when they are with friends or family, or at home watching TV or playing computer games. They can switch off and focus solely on what they are doing right now.
Men find it harder to mix work with emotional stuff, or mix emotional stuff with anything else for that matter. This is why sometimes you need to let a man come in after work, or when you first see him after its been a while, and let him relax and zone back in before you talk about anything serious. They need time to adjust in their heads i guess?
Women dont need to so much, we can handle emotional things at the same time as we're doing random life stuff...
Where as women tend to be able to think about tonnes of things at once like this, and therefore have people in mind a lot even when we're not around them, i think men are the opposite... they focus on whats at hand when its at hand.

I dont like to sound like im putting men into one tiny bracket, and i am generalising a lot here, so apologies to any men out there but knowing this can really help IMO.
I was having a long distance relationship for a year and a half before me and my current BF moved in together, and he explained this to me-
that when he missed me if we were apart, or thought about me, he would just keep it to himself because it was easier to handle for him that way. Men deal with issues better alone, and only tend to seek out others if they need advice. Women are more vocal about our feelings.
He HATED telling me he missed me even though i told him, because he rathered to focus on the good stuff when we were together. He saw no point in dwelling on being apart when there was nothing we could do about it. I think this is a very typical mans way of viewing things. Work on something if it needs working on, otherwise leave it. Women release stress by talking about or expressing our feelings, men dont usually.
So maybe its like my BF was, he just didnt want to think about the hardships pf being apart, about the missing me or the absences because he couldnt fix it, so instead he just gave me all his love when he saw me.

Have you heard of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Have you read it? If not, my advice is get this book!
Its amazing in giving insight into how men cope with things and the differences in their behaviour to ours. I bet this book will help you understand and not just with this issue but with all relationship issues now or to come!

Good luck

myboylollipop

thanks mist_born. I know I might be overreacting but I just wish it wasn't me who had to do all the arranging ie "are you going to visit me this weekend". I suppose in some ways I'm comparing my relationship to my friends. A close friend of mine has been seeing someone for the same period of time and he has told her how he feels about her. I'm not needy but my last relationship damaged me and was I was deeply hurt. But I've learnt alot from it too, I'm definitely less demanding and have chilled out alot. Do you think I should ask him straight out? Like what little time we do have together I hate talking about something so serious

LegacyUser

myboylollipop wrote: »

thanks mist_born. I know I might be overreacting but I just wish it wasn't me who had to do all the arranging ie "are you going to visit me this weekend". I suppose in some ways I'm comparing my relationship to my friends. A close friend of mine has been seeing someone for the same period of time and he has told her how he feels about her. I'm not needy but my last relationship damaged me and was I was deeply hurt. But I've learnt alot from it too, I'm definitely less demanding and have chilled out alot. Do you think I should ask him straight out? Like what little time we do have together I hate talking about something so serious

I really do know EXACTLY how you feel.
It was the very same with my BF when we were long distance...
It was always me that travelled to him, always. Even when he wasnt working and i was (i mean he left his job on career leave) I would still get the bus or train on a Friday evening when i was tired after my stressful job and travel across the country to see him.
He even told me at a family BBQ that he did come to that if it continued long distance and he had to travel he would have to end it. So i had to agree to move to him or do all the travelling. I just loved him so much that i grinned and bared it.
Even when i was sick once and he had finished his job at this stage, i was off work sick, and i called him asking him to please come and stay for a night or 2, that i really needed him, he just flat out said no. I cried and got upset but still he didnt come.
It was hard. Very hard.
Gently a few times towards the very start, first few months, i told him that i had to feel like he was doing as much as i was for the relationship, and he agreed and said youre right i should do more, you need time with your friends too (as i was always at his on weekends we spent time with his friends but it meant i didnt ever see my own at weekends)
anyway, as i said he would agree and be nice about it, say yes youre right, but nothing ever changed.
The longer we were together, and the closer we got and the more he loved me, then the easier it was to say what i needed, do things for him and have him reciprocate. Im talking a year or more of me doing more for him than he did and never getting anything to change in the early stages when i saw the pattern forming. After the very early stages and conversation like this ended in a row rather than him being nice about it.

So i would suggest gently saying to him that you feel you need time for your friends too, or you feel like perhaps you do more of the organising and asking to see him, and you'd like to feel wanted too (though i know most of the time when i said things like this to my BF, as i mentioned about the rows, he would get incredibly defensive and upset and think i was saying he did NOTHING for me, which i never was...)
but anyway yes, i would definitely say you should talk to him about it gently.
Say you by no means think he does nothing for you, and youre not criticising but you'd really like if he made a bit more effort to see you, even if its just a text asking will he see you this weekend or not, as it would make you feel wanted etc.
Guys usually respond better when you let them know what you'd like, rather than tell them what youre currently not liking, its the approach i think though maybe youre BF isnt as defensive as mine was!! Lol.

Really though, ive been through the EXACT same thing, and now we live together and are happier than ever. Its worth the tough times apart, but do respect yourself and let him know youre willing to do what you can but would like him to make the same effort.
Good luck!!