a "childhood sweetheart" is haunting me! :(

25bubbles

im 25 now, and with a guy for the last 2 years. but recently i keep having thoughts and dreams about my first love who i was with when i was 16-17. i loved him so much and when i think about love, he's what i picture. all our friends said we belonged together! we broke up when we were young because he didnt want to be in a relationship so young. it was the night we were having our chat about breaking up that he first told me he loved me! i was hung up on him for about 2 years after it. i couldnt get over it. i went out with other guys to get my mind off him, but no ones ever compared to him. ive had a major mix of boyfriends since, a weed smoker, a drug addict, a super nerd, a art college guy and the guy im with now is a major sports man. he is wonderful and we started our relationship totally on the right start. we met in a college course, and became good friends, then kissed and waited till we were both comfortable enough to have sex. he's the first guy i was with where i didnt need a few drinks to start along our relationship. when he's not around i feel love for him, but when he is i dont want him to touch me or go near me and everything he does annoys me. we are hardly intimate anymore.
ive hinted at wanting kids SOMEDAY (not soon like) but he has no interest whatsoever. we live together in a beautiful spacious house and we seem to have the "perfect setting" for our relationship. but my mind always wanders back to my childhood guy, who i know hasnt been in a what you'd call serious relationship since me. he's a brilliant guy with great morals and if im ever talking to him somewhere, he always remembers to ask about my nephew (he was born around the time we were going out) which really touches me. i havent talked to him properly, only a salute, in about 2 and a half years. i know all the girls love him and he has these 19 and 20 year olds hanging all over him (which obviously annoys me :rolleyes:). i dont think there's a possibility of us ever getting back together, and we've both grown up and changed a lot in 8 years. i feel so guilty for my current guy and its so not fair on him!!!
sorry for the big long story, and i know it may seem very schoolgirlish, but pleeease!! its driving me mad!!!
does anyone have any advice for me??? or can put things simply to me and tell me to just get over it?!! my head is wrecked from this situation and i cant really talk to my friends about it yet!

Katgurl

I don't think you're into your current guy anymore and should leave him. You don't wanna hurt him because he's lovely but it's not fair to be with someone you don't want near you.

As for your ex, I think you're more into the very romantic fantasy or story there. Teenage emotions are huge and someone telling you they love you for the first time as they are breaking up with you is of course completely overwhelming.

You're still very young op and plenty of time who is good for you on a practical level and who will bowl you over emotionally. There is no need to settle for one or the other.

curlzy

Hey OP,
You're not in love with your boyfriend anymore by the sounds of it. Don't use him by hanging onto him until someone else comes along, that would be totally wrong and a very scummy thing to do IMO. End things with him and then maybe think about asking the other guy out and see how the land lies but sort things out with your OH before looking into the next relationship. Do the right thing by your BF or I'd say you'll regret it later on.

jimmycrackcorm

25bubbles wrote: »

i know it may seem very schoolgirlish, but pleeease!! its driving me mad!!!

I don't want to be condescending but you are still very young. It could be another 5-10 years before you settle down with a guy and have children.

One thing is for sure - when you meet him you won't be thinking of the guy from when you were 17.

Zen65

25bubbles wrote: »

when he's not around i feel love for him, but when he is i dont want him to touch me or go near me and everything he does annoys me. we are hardly intimate anymore.

I'm not a relationship counsellor, but this reads like a very bad sign for the relationship. It also suggests you are the type of person that does not see the flaws in people until they are close to you, and then you cannot overlook them.

I think you're probably guilty of a similar little nostalgia trip in thinking that your first love was so great. As we age, our lives become more complicated and relationships are tested more and more. Your first love was conveniently at a time when your life was so much simpler than it is now, so that first guy had the benefit of an uncomplicated period in your life. Cherish the memory, not everyone was lucky to have had a great first love, but do not mislead yourself into thinking that you will get to relive that exact feeling with somebody else.

You are unlikely to find a similar relationship in the future, but only because you cannot be that girl you once were at 17. If your current partner is somebody you cannot bear to have touching you, then you probably need to move on and find somebody with whom you can have a close, loving relationship, and with whom you are prepared to work to overcome whatever flaws you both may have.


Be at peace,

Z

homerfan

25Bubbles,

this is my second attempt to post a reply, my first appears to have disappeared.

I can empathise with you as I am in the same situation. I am many years married now but have always had feelings for my ex girlfriend. She has asked about me over the years and although I have managed to trace her but I will never contact her as too many people will be hurt. It is enough for me to know she has made a successful life for herself and appears to be happy. But I still ask myself ‘what if’. It is strange for me at this stage of life to find myself crying over her but when I am alone the tears flow. Sometimes I feel I am about to crack up.
Old loves have the advantage of being in the past, they canappear to be an idealised pure love. But remember they also had the advantage of happening at a time when you we are young and carefree and did not have the stresses of life, bills, career, children etc.

I agree with some of the posters here, the answer appears to lie with your current relationship. I would advise you to seek outside help, sometimes close family is good or maybe relationship counselling, but the internet is not a great place for this type of advice. You must act now though, as I know to my cost that these feelings if left untreated only get worse over time. If I had had the courage to take action in the early years (even in the first few years after I was married) people may have been hurt but it would have been short-lived, I could have saved myself and many years of misery.
Please seek help for your own sake and for the sake of your current boyfriend.
Even though I am not religious I will say prayer for you as I find it can help to vent some of the bad feelings I have.


H

25bubbles

Thank you all so much for your replies!!
I am trying to picture what will happen if we break up and it scares the crap out of me. We'd have to move out of the house we're in, and for obvious financial reasons, i would probably have to move back home to my parents, where i would be miserable (my parents are great and all, but it just wouldnt work). I dont have that many friends to meet up with and go out with, you know?! My best friend has her own relationship and Always has her boyfriend in tow, they do absolutely everything together. I would be alone, living with my mam and dad, going to a part time job i hate! At the end of the day, I do care a lot for my current guy, he makes me laugh and treats me so well. I do care an awful lot about him. No, i dont want to settle but I am going to give it another go, put effort into our relationship and see if i can get that spark back. I do feel myself taking him totally for granted!!! Also, (this may be a big factor in our relationship) I am a massive snorer, we actually havent slept (went to sleep together)in the same bed in months. we take it in turns sleeping in the box room with the uncomfy bed. it is a miserable way to live, but i am trying to sort it out through sleep studies and specialists, but it's just taking so long waiting for all different types of appointments etc. But he has been so patient with me about it and it really takes away from our intimacy, even for just night cuddles.

and as you said, Katgurl, maybe it is the romantic fantasy I have planted in my head of my childhood guy! But i admit i probably will always love him! And i always ask myself 'what if he called me up and told me he wanted me back for good, no matter what situation i was in in my life. would i drop everything to be with him?" and im scared to say my honest answer would be yes.

And Homerfan (i am also quite a homer fan ) I think i'm going definitely take your advice about talking to some one close and vent, so im going to talk to my mam, she is great with these types of problems! And thank you for sharing your story too. I can only imagine how hard it must be after years of marraige. You're story really touched me, and it makes me realize that i am not alone, or a bad person!! thank you.
I know this post is totally all over the place, it may not make much sense in terms of how im going to sort this, but i suppose i am just thinking out loud, but it is 2.30 am and im tired and confused. so please, dont think im crazy but any opinions welcome! and thank you all for listening to my mad babble!