Boyfriend has erection problems

LegacyUser

Hi all, what I'd really like right now is some advice, perhaps from someone who has been through or is dealing with the same thing...
At the moment, I feel I'm not handling things very well and I'm finding it difficult to deal with. Someone else's advice may help me take it better.

So. As the title says, my boyfriend sometimes has problems getting an erection when we are intimate.
This, he says, is due to issues in his head. Issues of failure I guess. He says as soon as he feels like he needs to perform or feels that we might get intimate, or that I want us to be, he gets nervous or self conscious and it just wont happen for him.
This is all he's really shared with me about it, and I think I've been pretty understanding when he has been open. It takes a lot to get him to talk.

I have to note before I go further that this does not happen 100% of the time, but I would say 40-50% is normal for it to happen, and lately its worse, maybe because I'm not handling it as well as I should right now? (I'm talking about weeks in between having sex, just to be clear)
We have been together 2 years and when we do have sex its great.

So. Here's where the problem is, as I see it...
Say if we have just gotten into bed together in our PJ's, or we're cuddling together on the couch, or in bed etc, I cant suggest being intimate with him anymore, or try to get things going by kissing etc, because as soon as he feels I would like some intimacy this leads to him backing out entirely before we've even tried, or telling me to stop touching him etc, so I feel like I cant even give it a go anymore.
And sometimes he gets angry / very rejecting if I even suggest gently that we do try. Ie: "maybe if we just lay naked together and took our time..?" but he just says "NO" angrily and rolls to face away from me and says "I just want to go to sleep now", or he leaves the room. This is fair enough, I understand that, but I feel like I'm in an impossible position!
Basically, any attempts to try and help him along just make the situation worse! Its like a catch 22.

I'm unable to discuss it with him because it hurts him so much, he feels so bad about it that any conversation about it to try and help the situation is avoided, and if entered into at all he gets angry very quickly and avoids any more communication about it.
I am therefore left with only one option- to wait around and never attempt any intimacy or to try and help things, and just hope that he eventually tries it on with me.
I hate myself for feeling selfish about this but I'm finding this very hard!!
Sometimes I'm just really in the mood, I'm a sexual person, and its hard to be close to him and completely suppress my instincts and feelings all the time! I'm left feeling very frustrated and unsatisfied, and I'm not able to voice my feelings about it either, which would help me I think.

Also, he's told me frustratedly on seeing me upset, that this is all in his head and its nothing to do with how attractive he finds me, but I find this hard too!
Its hard when I'm in the moment to accept when he tells me he finds me incredibly sexy when he just cant be intimate with me, or refuses to even try.
I'm always left feeling rejected and down on myself.
Sometimes he says things like "im just too tired tonight" or "I need a shower, I just dont feel sexy enough until I get cleaned up" or "I have a bit of a headache right now im just not up to it, sorry", it hurts, because for me I'm turned on by him whether I'm all sweaty or I'm a bit tired or not.
I know these things sound like excuses that women are typically renowned for making not men! And that feels strange too!

I probably shouldnt, but I do end up feeling hugely rejected and unattractive when he turns me down or doesnt want to touch me.
I sometimes end up thinking a little too much on it and wondering if its just me he's had these problems with, was it like this for him with all his girlfriends, maybe I just dont do it for him etc... I feel like he's just telling me he finds me sexy but it's just words because he doesnt want to hurt me with the truth.
I find it hard not to feel hurt and then I end up feeling selfish too... its a bad cycle.

I know what he probably needs is for me to be totally understanding all the time, never asking him to try, never initiating, and never looking sad if he says he doesnt want to, but its SO hard when I really want some intimacy, to be totally unaffected by his rejections and totally unfrustrated for weeks on end.

Any advice would help greatly right now, or even to know I'm not alone and other guys have these problems too...
PS: In case it matters, I'm 29 and he's 28 so I dont think its his age, or that its a physical problem.
Thanks.

Nevyn

Has he been to see a dr to have his general health looked at?

S23

I'm afraid there is no short cut around this. He needs to go to his GP and eliminate the possibility of it being a physical problem. Just because he is 28 doesn't entirely rule out the possibility of it being physical.

There could be an issue related to weight, smoking, alcohol intake etc.. etc... If he wants to get to the bottom of it he needs to bite the bullet and go to his doctor and get it checked out. It might seem mortifying for him but a doctor won't think twice about it. It's not going to go away on it's on.

If you don't find out what the source of the problem is from the doctor at least you can move on and explore other avenues.

LegacyUser

He sounds like I was at that age, 10 years ago.

I just wasn't confident at all about sex... strangely enough though, once I got over the initial problem, it was fine.

You really have to take the talking out of the bedroom. Don't leave it til the next time you're in bed and you want to get it on.

I presume that it's penetration that's the problem and as you say, it's when he needs to perform.

Personally, what used to go wrong was (a) felt a bit of pressure (b) putting condom on and (c) feeling like I needed to then rush into it / hop on top (d) then the problem of "sticking it in".

You could just get more comfortable with each others bodies. . . wake each other up in the mornings with some oral. Or when you feel him hard, use your hand.... not just a hand job but an all over stimulation.

don't say "let's put it in now" or "I want you to" - to him that sounds like pressure.

Just rub yourself against him and see if it flows naturally. Talking out side the bedroom openly and honestly can help.

Also, if he was too talk to a therapist he might learn that sex is meant to be enjoyable and fun.... and a pleasure, not something to get down about

All of those reasons that he gives are excuses I'd say although there were times when I felt "everything has to be perfect for this to work".

curlzy

Hey OP,

You need to sit him down at a non sexual time and talk to him. You feeling unattractive and frustrated isn't fair and him expecting you to just hang around until it fixes itself isn't fair on you. He needs to man up with this and go to the Dr and if it's not physical he needs to explore the option of going to a sexual counsellor. Burying your heads in the sand isn't going to help with this at all. So sit him down and lay your cards on the table. You're not selfish for wanting intimacy in your relationship, it's a huge part of a good relationship. Your self esteem and confidence are blatently taking a battering, again this isn't fair. Imagine if your va-j-j just stopped allowing entry, wouldn't you go to the doctor? Wouldn't you follow every possible avenue of getting it sorted? Well it's not selfish to expect the same from him. I'm not saying go in all guns blazing and give him a telling off, that would only make things worse but you really need to have a heart to heart and tell him how much this is affecting you and the relationship.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

You feeling unattractive and frustrated isn't fair and him expecting you to just hang around until it fixes itself isn't fair on you.
Best of luck.

True, but I remember back when it happened to me that I didn't know that this was what my partner felt.. ... i was too caught up in my own embarrassment.

I never knew that she had felt unwanted, undesired and frustrated (well, the frustration did become obvious).

One thing was that I never at that time saw women as sexual beings (to an extent) - as in I never saw that she "needed to get off" as it were.... so turning around and saying "not now/I've a headache/I'm not showered" justified it in my own head, I wasn't thinking "Oh, I'm denying her pleasure, closeness and an orgasm".

When you're caught up in the cycle of events, you're very aware of your failings (as a man).

Actually OP, The one benefit I found that it is that I developed many skills with my hands and tongue that made up for my lack of erections (at the time). Maybe go down that route for a while.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Well I think he needs to go to a Doctor. At his age it probably isn't physical but for his piece of mind he needs to rule that out before he starts therapy which I think will be on the cards.

Also with you saying it works sometimes also suggests Psychological issue. If I had a broken arm I wouldn't be able to raise my arm over my head 50% of the time. Something is in his head and needs to be sorted. Sexual desire starts in the mind and the body follows.

Also you should go and talk to someone yourself about maybe how you can work through
this. maybe down the road you can go together. I am sure it is fustrating but try and be patient.
BEst of luck

um7y1h83ge06nx

Definitely he should see a GP.

If it is psychological then his body is probably in fight or flight mode. This causes the body to pump blood to vital organs (the penis isn't one unfortunately) in case of an attack on the body. This causes blood to be diverted from the penis and no erection then.

Sometimes for psychological ED a GP will prescribe Cialis or Viagra etc. This helps a guy get over the hump so to speak and regain confidence. After a while everything is usually back to normal.

curlzy

bleeeeeeubiee wrote: »

True, but I remember back when it happened to me that I didn't know that this was what my partner felt.. ... i was too caught up in my own embarrassment.

Which is precisely why I advised her to sit down and talk to her OH about it.

S23

I'm all for talking and communication. So all these suggestions to talk to him and put him at ease are fine. All the talk of learn his body, use your hands and mouth are fine.

Bottom line is that no one here is qualified to say that his problem is not a physical one. Nor am I qualified to say that it is. A GP should be able to tell him one way or another. He needs to ascertain that before proceeding on the basis that the problem is a psychological one.

He simply must see a GP about it if he wants to get it sorted.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone!
Thank you so much for all the replies and helpful advice especially from the guy who had previous problems himself. Felt good to get your input.

Last night when we got into bed and cuddled etc he did try; everything was him initiating and it all went fine- the hugging, kissing, touching, until he was about to penetrate me and then his erection vanished.
I could tell he was just nervous and feeling under pressure so I hugged him and kissed him and didnt mention it at all.
I could see the hurt in his eyes, he feels SO bad and so useless when it happens so i decided that the best thing was to make it a complete non-issue for him.
He said he was sorry and burried his head in my shoulder so i just said that there was nothing to be sorry for, that i love being close to him no matter what happens, and there's more to our love than just sex.
I held him for a while and then we went to sleep. I think this helped a lot.

This morning he got back into bed beside me for a cuddle after he was already up and dressed (i tend to sleep longer). I was kissing him but he wasnt really reciprocating and i could tell he wasnt responding because he was scared that if it went any further he would fail again and be ashamed and let me down. He was trying to avoid the hurt.
The guy who replied in the threat previously (sorry, i forget your username) you were right, the reasons he gives are excuses, its all down to fear of failing. Thats the only reason he avoids trying, because it hurts him so much to fail and see a trace of sadness in my face.
So this time i just let him pull away and leave the room. Then when he was in the other room i text him and said i was sorry, that i didnt know what to do and i only wanted to be close to him.
About 10 mins after he got the text he came back into me and we talked a bit and cuddled and then we had sex!!
It was brilliant!

He came back in originally just to talk to me, so we did get a few things out in the open first...
It turns out it happened to him one time due to too much drink when he was in college and he didnt understand. It left him feeling under-confident which made him distracted and unable to do it when he was in the situation again, even without drink.
Then a girl he was seeing back then dumped him when it happened with her! He said she didnt say this was the reason but that it was right afterwards and was obvious. It wasnt serious between them but it really hurt his confidence

When we started going out this happened every time we were together for the first 2 months or so, we would be getting on fine, he would be turned on, but as soon as it came to the action he would lose it, but back then he would start sweating and seem shakey as well so i could tell it was pure nerves. We were new and so i understood the nerves and shyness. We were crazy about each other before we got together.
I used to just hug him and kiss him and say it was ok, and we'd then just go to sleep or cuddle for a while and then go to sleep. I felt ok for me to skip the sex then because we were only new anyway. He said i was really good about it, and that because i was so loving towards him it made the issue go away in time. It also made us closer. He says he's never loved another girl before me.

Lately hes not feeling too good about himself so thats why its come back so strong. Not making much money, were both broke, hes not socialising as much because we cant afford to etc, so this is really all it is. His self esteem is low right now. He just needed to feel that i didnt mind what happened, that i wasnt going to be upset or frustrated, that i didnt *expect* anything and still loved him no matter what, and this made the issue go away this morning.

Kind of a catch 22 really once i stop acting like i care he can do it, and when i seem upset or he feels like i really want it and hes letting me down if we dont then it wont work.
Patience is all he needed patience and acceptance.
I love him with all my heart.

So anyway, im very happy right now, it felt great this morning for both of us, he said he really needed it too, we hugged for ages afterwards and i feel we're closer than ever.
Thanks to everyone for the advice and support.
If problems continue despite things being comfortable between us then i might suggest a GP but right now i dont think its at all physical as he can get erections, they just vanish when hes under pressure to use them!
Thanks again guys

Hopefully this thread will help others out there going through the same thing!

kjl

Nevermind

curlzy

Hey OP, delighted for you!!! Glad you came back to update, who knows, your story may help another couple!