How young is to young for the talk??

cuddy

Heyjust wondering wot pals opions r bout the talk for boys. My Lil lad is 6 and he is mac about the word s£x. The other day I told him not to be saying that word because it's only for mammy and daddy's he then said I know what it means and proceeded to hope on top of me and hump me. I was morrifed and told him to stop. But didn't get into it with him. Is this normal. Should I talk to him bout it. He also said a few weeks back that gay is when a girl kisses a girl. I feel that he miight be to young to know these things but am I wrong??

newmug

He's waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too young for any of that. Obviously he's hearing snippets from somewhere though, prob older lads at school. I wouldnt tell him any specifics, just maybe that sex means male or female, and gay means happy. Also tell him that its bad to show anyone his privates, you're the only one allowed see them, and its bad to engage in any type of games like that. That'll be next I'd say!

CrazyRabbit

He's probably just discovered that he can get attention from using 'naughty' words.

6 may be a little bit young for the full talk, and he certainly doesn't need specifics. However, you could give him a very basic, simplified understanding of relationships. i.e, proper names for body parts, that adults get naked with each other to show their love, but that only adults can do this.

You should certainly try to find out where he has 'learned about sex'. Whilst it's probably just harmless playground whispers, there is unfortunately the possibility of something more sinister.

byhookorbycrook

I would never use the word "bad" in this. Privates are privates and the Staysafe programme teaches that privates are what are covered by swimsuits.

Nevyn

He doesn't need the full talk but there is no harm in telling him that sex is how babies get made and you will tell him about it when he is older, I would be the same with the term gay. Just handle it in a clam matter of fact manner and don't get alarmed or make a fuss.
All kids ask questions, they learn a hell of a lot from the world around him, you have have to be able to field his questions when they come up.

You can start the ground work if you wanted with chats about DNA, mine had asked about why my eyes are not blue like thiers or thier Dad's so they learned about how they are a mix of my dna and thier Dad's dna.

It's part of life and I think it should be a series of talks when they start asking questions.

Nevyn

http://www.staysafe.ie/parent_ss_prog.htm

The stay safe program which is taught in all schools.

Orion

newmug wrote: »

He's waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too young for any of that. Obviously he's hearing snippets from somewhere though, prob older lads at school. I wouldnt tell him any specifics, just maybe that sex means male or female, and gay means happy. Also tell him that its bad to show anyone his privates, you're the only one allowed see them, and its bad to engage in any type of games like that. That'll be next I'd say!

The only part of this post I agree with is "he's hearing snippets from somewhere".

Sex does not only mean male and female. Gay does not mean happy unless you were born in 1935. A little honesty at a young age goes a long way as the child gets older. My 7 year olds recently told me that "sexy" means "being nude and kissing". Let them think that - where's the harm. One of them recently put a teddy up her dress and proceeded to give birth by lifting it from her tummy. Again - no harm. They're still kids and don't need the full facts. But little snippets even at this age can soften the blow that's coming.

And never, EVER tell a child that something is bad! That kind of talk also belongs in the 30s. You should encourage behaviour you want in a child not define unwanted acts as bad. Positive reinforcement is 100 times more effective that "don't be bad".

January

newmug wrote: »

He's waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too young for any of that. Obviously he's hearing snippets from somewhere though, prob older lads at school. I wouldnt tell him any specifics, just maybe that sex means male or female, and gay means happy. Also tell him that its bad to show anyone his privates, you're the only one allowed see them, and its bad to engage in any type of games like that. That'll be next I'd say!

"Gay" does not only mean happy and you should never tell a child this if he knows the alternative. Seems like your child is hearing this from somewhere higher up. Just explain the basics, sex is something that two adults do when they're in love with each other and that it doesn't only mean male/female. He's not too young for a basic birds and bee's talk. There are a lot of books out there for these scenario's!

Ickle Magoo

cuddy wrote: »

Heyjust wondering wot pals opions r bout the talk for boys. My Lil lad is 6 and he is mac about the word s£x. The other day I told him not to be saying that word because it's only for mammy and daddy's he then said I know what it means and proceeded to hope on top of me and hump me. I was morrifed and told him to stop. But didn't get into it with him. Is this normal. Should I talk to him bout it. He also said a few weeks back that gay is when a girl kisses a girl. I feel that he miight be to young to know these things but am I wrong??

I'm a great believer in "if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to hear hear the answer". My wee man is six too and asks various questions about sex, babies and relationships in general. We answer as honestly as we can the question that is asked and leave it at that - he goes away for a bit and then usually comes back with other related questions. We don't get overly graphic or get the diagrams out but I'd rather he heard from me/us what these things actually mean than get some playground half-baked confusing mish-mash.

I'm not sure why the word sex should only be for mummies and daddies, I don't think you should be mortified at him doing something he doesn't really understand either, I think you have to be careful not to give the impression that sex and sexuality are things to be ashamed of, not discussed and secret. Definitely talk to him if he says something again but it might help to get sorted in your head what you are going to say to various questions on the issue so you don't get caught on the hop and are comfortable answering.

All the best.

xalot

Totally agree with just answering their questions if and when they arise. I remember asking a friends mother when I was about ten what gay meant and she said 'it's when you dont want to go out with boys' which to me (female) didn't seem like a big deal and I didn't think about it any more.

Thinking back now it's a great answer.

Jinxi

Sexuality is a part of being human. I heard my 4 and 6 year old nephew and neice chatting about feeling tingling in their relative genitalia when they saw people kissing. Its not that children are differen these days. They are just more self confident and see people being affectionate or sexual more on tv or in real life.
Children feed off vibes from parents, so if you are mortified, or uncomfortable with the whole sexuality bit, then your telling your children they cannot talk about any of that to you. And you need to be the one your child can talk to about ANYTHING.
These days there shouldn't be "a talk". It should be an open discussion from "what are boobs for"(from my 2 year old nephew-while he shoved his hand down my top) to "what is a BJ(my sis asked my mum this at 13 in 1995)".
I got "the talk" at 8(my mum saw i was hitting puberty early-1st mens @9). I was so innocent up until then that I remember being SHOCKED. It was never talked about freely in my house. I wish I had had an older sister who would have talked to me like I did with mine. It really affected me for years. I was obsessed with sex until I was about 13. I would have been such an easy victim.

SerialComplaint

We need to get away from the idea of 'the talk'. This is not a one-off event. It is an ongoing communication between parent and child.

It is far better that a child understands that gay means 'girl girl' or 'boy boy' than to think of it as a bad word or a derogatory term.

cuddy

Thanks a mill for all your input. I think I'll leave it and the might go to the libary to see if I can get a book to suit his age. When I was growing up I never got told anything bout sex I learned my self but I feel like I was very self conscious because of it also I still can't talk bout sex wit my parents. Whereas my husband have a very open relationship with his.
Thanks for all replys. It gave me a bigger picture.

gabsdot40

My son is 6 and I've had the talk with him a few months ago.
He asked about how babies get 'in there' so I told him and showed him some pictures of babies in-utero
We've always used proper words for body parts and have been honest about it all.
I would prefer for him to be able to talk to me and his dad about sex and for it to not be embarrassing.
My parents made such a song and dance about the facts of life talk. We were all sat down at the table and it was mortifying. *Blushes at the memory*

Truley

xalot wrote: »

Totally agree with just answering their questions if and when they arise. I remember asking a friends mother when I was about ten what gay meant and she said 'it's when you dont want to go out with boys'

My mother told me that line too and all it did was confuse me more because it's not what gay means. When I finally did find out what it meant my first reaction was to think 'what was the big deal?' Children don't have an innate distane for the idea of sex or same sex couples, it's when parents shroud it in secrecy and shame that it takes on a derogatory meaning. And that's where bullying stems from, not from the idea itself.

If you can't look to your parents for truthful information then who can you turn to?

Daisy Steiner

I totally agree that the "talk" is an archaic way of dealing with the subjects of sex and sexuality. My ma made an absolute hames of teaching me the facts of life and I was so confused and unsettled for years afterwards. (She told me I was going to grow balls on my chest :eek:, I stopped the conversation then and refused to talk to her about it)

School did a good job of teaching the biological side of things but I really regret that no one taught me about feelings etc.

I swear if/when I have my own things will be different!

My nephew (6) and I are extremely close but when he asks me an important question regarding sex I steer him towards his parents as I don't feel it's my place/responsibility to tell him.

He told me he wanted to put his willy in my belly, I really wanted to break my heart laughing but held it together, I passed it on to his mam because if he's saying something like that to me, god knows what he might say to a teacher/class-mate

All the best.

littlebitdull

We have three kids and we too have always gone down the line of answering the questions when and even whereever they were asked. Mine always seemed to ask me stuff in the car - I think it was the not having to actually look me in the face gave them a bit more confidence to ask stuff.

My youngest is 11 and a big Glee fan. And I love how the gay guy in it is so so accepted by his dad and friends. When he recently got kissed (somewhat violently) by another guy .. I have to say I was proud of my child who reacted by hoping that was not his first ever kiss - as it was not a happy experience for him. I prefered this total acceptance of his sexuality than being shocked by it.

Answer honestly - with age aproprate answers - and you will never have to have a long and awkard talk.

At six he does not need to know all the details of sex, but its only going to be of benifet to him to learn its a normal part of life for grown ups.

newmug

It all started going wrong with baywatch:rolleyes:

randylonghorn

newmug wrote: »

It all started going wrong with baywatch:rolleyes:

If you mean that Baywatch glorified the "ideal" Californian body-type and totally unrealistic relationships, and sent out those negative messages to a generation of kids, then I agree with you.

snuggles09

I had the "talk" with my 8 year old daughter recently..i sat her down with a book and we went through it but only as she was complaining that her boobs were starting to hurt, was getting a bit moody and was saying her stomach wasn't feeling well and told me she was having dreams about Harry Potter and she would like to kiss him:eek:..I got my period at 10 and nearly had a heart attack so I had the talk with her to prepare her for that part...we went through the body, what happens, eggs etc and all that and I went through personal hygiene and sanitary towels with her..just explained that when eggs aren't fertilised etc...she then asked me "and when i don't have any bleeding does that mean there's a baby in there?" .. i then said to her that that was where sex came in and if she wanted to we would go through that chapter of the book..she said then at this point that she didnt feel ready to know anything about that and what i had read so far was ok..it was very mature of her which makes it a tad ironic

she has also said things like sexy and romantic means kissing and a lesbian is a woman who kisses another woman and a gay man kisses another man and followed it by "but is that allowed mam" to which i said of course it was and everyone is different and she'll learn this as she grows older

i have a 5 year old as well and she says things like sexy etc and knows that her sister was born "out my bum:o" and she had to be "cut out of my belly"..however, i think she is still way too young to have any talk with her about anything like that...she asked me what sex was once and i just said "oh thats for grown ups" and she left it at that

Jinxi

Something snuggles said reminded me of something. My neice(now 14) get her first period a few years ago. She was a bit confused about the details tho(inspite of a very thorough talk) and was so upset when it started her mum knew something was wrong. Turns out she thought she was just going to have to live with the bleeding for the next 30-40 years.:(

snuggles09

Jinxi wrote: »

Something snuggles said reminded me of something. My neice(now 14) get her first period a few years ago. She was a bit confused about the details tho(inspite of a very thorough talk) and was so upset when it started her mum knew something was wrong. Turns out she thought she was just going to have to live with the bleeding for the next 30-40 years.:(

ah the poor thing..thats what i was like, hadn't a notion..now my 8 year old knows more about hormones and how they work than most people i'd say..when she gets moody now and i ask her what wrong i get "leave me alone it's my hormones"..lol

cuddy

snuggles09 wrote: »

I had the "talk" with my 8 year old daughter recently..i sat her down with a book and we went through it

do u mind me askin the name of the book?? He was chatting to his friend the other day and i over herard them. the said wil we have sex with (name of another girl in there class) I told them that your not allowed to talk about that, that its for mammy & daddys His friend then told me that another boy in class told them how to do it!!

should i go to the school and say it to them or the childs parent ( the one that showed them how to do it).

I also on heard the little boy that my son was playing with that some of the junior infants said theres no santa. My son is in senior infants! I thought i would have at least two more years before i had to go through this.
Thanks
cuddy

snuggles09

I have it away on top of my wardrobe now but ill have a look for it tomorrow..it's not the girl/boy talk books..its called something like "all about my body" and there's a book for boys and a book for girls..it's done really well..it's done in simple language with sort of cartoony figures something like Groovy Chick ones..it's not graphic pictures or anything like that it's really well done and age appropriate for ages 7+..nothing too heavy

i'm shocked about the santa thing:eek:

if it was me (over hearing the sex talk), as they are so young I'd approach just the teacher..just tell her what you heard them say and see can she offer any advice on it..she might then have a quick word in the ear of the boys parents (that was telling them how to do it)..did you ask what he told them to do? i remember when i was in school, I was about 9 and we were all chatting trying to figure out what oral sex was and another girl told us that it was talking about it:o for ages i thought thats what it was..the other boy might have said you have to lie on a bed and kiss her or something..mightened have gotten into the graphics of it but i think the parents need to be made aware that their young child is saying this to other kids..if it was my child i'd want to know so I could a) talk to them about it and b)find out where they heard it in the first place

Bruthal

Originally posted by newmug
He's waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too young for any of that. Obviously he's hearing snippets from somewhere though, prob older lads at school. I wouldnt tell him any specifics, just maybe that sex means male or female, and gay means happy. Also tell him that its bad to show anyone his privates, you're the only one allowed see them, and its bad to engage in any type of games like that. That'll be next I'd say!

Macros42
The only part of this post I agree with is "he's hearing snippets from somewhere".

Sex does not only mean male and female. Gay does not mean happy unless you were born in 1935. A little honesty at a young age goes a long way as the child gets older. My 7 year olds recently told me that "sexy" means "being nude and kissing". Let them think that - where's the harm. One of them recently put a teddy up her dress and proceeded to give birth by lifting it from her tummy. Again - no harm. They're still kids and don't need the full facts. But little snippets even at this age can soften the blow that's coming.

And never, EVER tell a child that something is bad! That kind of talk also belongs in the 30s. You should encourage behaviour you want in a child not define unwanted acts as bad. Positive reinforcement is 100 times more effective that "don't be bad".

Yes id agree there fully macros, bit of a 1930`s answer above alright, especially the telling a child something is bad part.

snuggles09

slightly off topic but was watching Corrie this evening and my 5 year old came in and she saw the 2 gay men in it at the hospital holding hands..she wanted to know if one of them would have to wear a dress like "normal" people if they were to get married and which one would have to be the woman..just goes to show how confusing things get in their little heads

newmug

robbie7730 wrote: »

Yes id agree there fully macros, bit of a 1930`s answer above alright, especially the telling a child something is bad part.

Child abuse isn't bad? Showing someone your privates and playing games with them isn't bad? If anyone ever touched my children I'd go down in history as Irelands cruelest murderer. So I dont care how 1930's you think it is, I'm telling my kids never to show anyone their privates, except me or their mother, because its bad.

Jinxi

newmug wrote: »

Child abuse isn't bad? Showing someone your privates and playing games with them isn't bad? If anyone ever touched my children I'd go down in history as Irelands cruelest murderer. So I dont care how 1930's you think it is, I'm telling my kids never to show anyone their privates, except me or their mother, because its bad.

The danger here is that children then think that THEY are bad if someone sees their genitalia, or if something happens that is unspeakable, they feel they can't tell you about it because it is so bad.
Remember that most abuse happens by a known person, so if they are in authority then the child will think they are at fault, as obviously alduts think that it is bad.

If children know names for bady part, fell like you are comfortable around talking about it, know what is normal and not normal behaviour and if you talk to them about FEELINGs like being comfortable and assertiveness around telling people No if they are not comfortable; thisis much more effective than just saying, private part should never be shown as its bad

Bruthal

newmug wrote: »

Child abuse isn't bad? Showing someone your privates and playing games with them isn't bad? If anyone ever touched my children I'd go down in history as Irelands cruelest murderer. So I dont care how 1930's you think it is, I'm telling my kids never to show anyone their privates, except me or their mother, because its bad.

Telling the child something is bad just like that does not seem a great idea, the child is asking questions about words he hears, i dont think many parents will say to a 6 year old that showing someone your privates is bad and only showing them to your parents is good when the child asks what does sex mean. Would not seem great for the child to then think its only ok to show my parents, they could then say that to someone else. They should not be thinking anything along them lines at all.

And to say abuse is`t bad? Would you assume then that when a child asks what sex means it must be abuse that brought this about? I doubt any abuser would mention the word sex, so when a child hears it and asks about it, its likely they heard it from other children. If parents point blank say to a six year old something like that is bad, they will think they have done something bad themselves.

newmug

Would you tell your child its bad to take sweets from strangers?

Bruthal

newmug wrote: »

Would you tell your child its bad to take sweets from strangers?

The OP asked how young is too young to tell their child about sex as he asked about what the word means, you are confusing it with child abuse. When a child asks what the word sex means, i think its extraordinarilly unlikely they heard it as a result of a potential abuser, and more likely from others his own age. Sounds like when a child asks what that word means you will automatically think its child abuse. And the word "bad" has to come into it somewhere.

As for the sweets one, well when an adult stranger offers a child sweets it is more likely not a healthy situation, but even then i never used the word bad, children should be made to feel comfortable, not feeling like they did wrong.

But again, it seems to not have a lot to do with a child asking what a word means.