Am I too needy?

LegacyUser

Ok, this is kinda long and rambling so please bear with me.

Myself and my boyfriend and going out nearly a year now. The trouble is I don't feel like he wants to spend much time with me anymore and I don't know if he subconsciously wants to break up with me or if he genuinely just doesn't have the time. In the beginning we spent loads of time together but then in the last few months this has started to change. He doesn't come over very often anymore and says he just wants time to chill out etc as he doesn't get enough time to himself. I don't really understand this as I love spending my free time with him. He has started a new job which means his shifts are can be opposite to mine so when we do see each other it's at night and then I have to get up for work again the next morning. I can't tell if I'm being paranoid and needy or do I have a genuine reason for concern. He used to do anything to come over and see me, now he just says he wants time to himself. I've tried to talk to him about how I'm feeling but it never gets resolved and always ends up with me saying I'll try to be more understanding, but I don't feel I'm getting the same effort from him as I'm putting into this relationship and it's making me unhappy. When we do talk about it he says he feels guilty for telling me he can't come over and doesn't want me to feel like he's rejecting me but to be honest I don't know how to feel any other way. Am I being particularly demanding? I just thought in a relationship you should want to pend time together - It's not that I was to deny him time to himself or time with his friends, it isn't like that at all! I'm just hurt and confused, I don't know what to do.

whatsamsn

I dont think you are needy. I think you come off as a very mature sensible person who is reading the signs.

Personally it sounds like the relationship is winding down on his side. I think you are trying to rationalise his behavior/actions, as they say "love is blind", but your own instincts are shining through. I think you really have to sit down and evaluate this.

My belief is that if a relationship is coming to an end. Its best to end things. Messy endings can form when on a downhill slope.

Faith

I could have written that exact post a year ago. I wanted to spend any free time I had with him, and he wanted to fill up his free time as much as possible with college societies, his band, his music, etc. It dragged on for another 6 months or so, with my convincing myself I was happy to get to spend 2 nights a week with him, and a sum total of maybe 12 waking hours (we lived 80 miles apart too) a week. My New Years resolution last year was even "to be a better, less demanding girlfriend". Eventually he dumped me, but not until a few weeks after shouting at me that I took up all his time, and that he resented even having to phone me for 5 minutes in the evening.

My biggest regret is being blind to what was going on, and allowing him all the power. I felt needy, like you, and I thought I was being too demanding. Even when he told me he was unhappy, I begged him to stay with me.

I'm not by any means saying break up with your boyfriend, but do try to reclaim some power. Fill your time with things that don't involve him. Difficult as it is, claim to be busy every now and then when he wants to see you. Being constantly available is a killer to some relationships. In a few weeks, it should be clear whether or not the relationship has a future: If he's perfectly happy to see less and less of you, then cut your losses and run. If he cops on, then yay.

cafecolour

It could be he's losing interest and it's winding down. It could also be he's moved a bit out of the 'honeymoon' phase, and is still interested but is a bit me-centric again (in combo with the stress from the new job).

Have you gone from spending all your free time together to only spending a few nights together? Or from spending a few nights together to spending only the rare evening together?

LegacyUser

You see we went from spending every waking minute together to just evenings/nights. He used to work a 9-5 but now he works evenings so he comes over, sleeps and then I get up for work in the morning. I suppose when I think about it, it's more the quality of time we spend together. Some evenings I feel like I've guilted him into coming over. In the mornings I feel like he doesn't want to stay or he has stuff to do/get to and when I stay at his after a lengthy time period I feel like I've outstayed my welcome. I personally don't understand this because I could have around till the cows come home.

I don't want to be in denial and this isn't my first serious relationship so I feel that I should know better. I just really love him and it's very difficult for me. I don't want to make excuses about our relationship but it's so hard to really see it for what it is when you're the one it's affecting (if that makes sense).

Thanks Faith, I think I will make myself a little less available for a while and see if that helps. If not then..... Am I in denial? Is it just winding down out of the honeymoon period? Still so confused.

Thanks so much everyone for all your posts, I really appreciate the input

curlzy

I agree with Faith 100%, you need to take back some power, get busy and tell him you're not available and I'd say it'll take some of the pressure off and you'll find him interested again. Be strong though, don't coming running when he calls, invest a good portion of your time and energy in friends and interests, which is healthy in any relationship anyways.