Boyfriend, his ex, his kid

LegacyUser

Hello,

My boyfriend has a child from his first marriage, she is 6 now. The child was not planned at all, on the contrary, it was more of a trick of his ex (she said she was on the pill, he said he didn’t want a child, and…magic! she was pregnant)

Yet he says he doesn't want to be only a weekend father, and he's the perfect father to her. His daughter lives with his ex, who regretfully lives next door to him, so he sees them pretty much everyday. My bf and the ex call each other several times a day to arrange who will pick her up at school in the next day, who will feed her that evening, etc – as they have no routine at all.

He likes not having a routine, as it allows him to see more of the child, and the ex obviously like it too, so she can have her girl when it's convenient to her, and when it's not, she sends her to his house. The ex hasn't been with anyone else since they split up and I'm pretty sure she is bitter about us, and deep inside would like to go back with him. She kept his house, his car, the dog and all the furniture.

I don't have children (I'm 28 and I definitely want to wait) and I didn’t realise things would be so messy when I entered this relationship. We don't live together but he wants me to move in (we've been seeing each other for 1 year and a half).

He will never say "no" to his daughter or to his ex. So I'm always the one who has to accept any change of plans, or new plans, or whatever. And do so smiling, because I don't want to get between him and his daughter. However, that makes me feel like the last one on his list, after him, the girl and especially after the ex.

I talked to him, he seems to understand, but says his priority will always be his child. Therefore, it's a kind of "take it or leave it" situation
I'm not asking him to abandon the child, but I would like to have a minimum of order in my life and a bit of control over the situation.

Should I walk away? Would any of you accept this situation?

Other than that, he is a really nice man.

Thank you very much.

Elle Collins

I would not accept this situation, no. But nor would I bother getting into any 'the child was a trick' blah blah nonsense. How the child came into this world is neither here nor there. The fact is she's here and she needs and deserves her daddy, end of story.

You also need and deserve to be true to yourself about what you want and it seems your partner is intent on staying living next door to his ex and pandering to her every whim. That would be a deal breaker for me, and for most women, I'm inclined to think. You need to ask yourself where the future is in that for you? I'm sorry to say I don't see a happy one. Has he asked you to move in with him, and if you did could it be anything other than an unamusing comedy show??

curlzy

Been there and done that. Wasted 5 years of my youth, bigges regret I have. Don't do it OP, walk away now. I know exactly were you are right now and where you'd headed and it's not pretty. Prepare to be repeatedly dropped, forgotton and walked on all in the name of him being a good father. Honestly OP get out now. <snip>

metrovelvet

If they have been working this way for a number of years its going to be very difficult to negotiate change especially as the daughter is now very used to this arrangement. If it gets fiddled with, he and the child's mother would have to prepare for a fallout as she adjusts to any changes.

If they dont change their co parenting style to accommodate this new relationship, then the only thing you can do is establish your own boundaries. However, if you move in with him, then you will have a lot of exposure to their child. Have you told him if you move in togethter you dont want the daughter to be able to just pop round when she feels like it? Be sensitive that in the culture of co parenting and divorce people aim to make their children feel like they have two homes, so that the child can pop round and when old enough have their own set of keys. It will be the child's home too. That doesnt mean they can run amuck and be disrespectful though but it is her home too.

As for your fantasies and conjectures about how the child was conceived and the nature of his ex's motives, they should not come into you decisions as they dont matter.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your replies. It helps a lot.

Elle, there are no indications that it will ever change, in fact he said it won't. So I have to agree with you, and I'm just happy I didn't move in.
Curlzy, thank u so much, I'll try to PM you!
Metrovelt, thank you for introducing me to the concept of co-parenting, I have been reading about it today and I see where you are coming from. I guess my main problem is feeling that the ex is not over him yet, and that there's a lot of bitterness in the air, that causes for the mad arrangements. As for how the child was conceived, he is the one who always repeated it was this way. But then again guys are just too quickly in blaming women.

Thank you very much again.

If anyone else would like to offer their opinion, I would appreciate it very much.

S23

Look I'm all for communication and compromise and it seems clear you are willing to do as much and understand the situation he is in.

However, if this

tired*** wrote: »

Elle, there are no indications that it will ever change, in fact he said it won't.

really does mean that he's told you this is the way it's always going to be and you can take it or leave it then I'm afraid I think you know what to do.

I fully respect him for being there for his child and I understand the child needs as stable an unbringing as possible. However, you're going to be on the back burner for at least another 12 years until the kid leaves school and moves out and starts living independently. It could be considerably more than that with college etc... Until then you have no control over your life/relationship with him because he's basically told you everything can change in an instant if his ex and daughter come calling.

That'll make you 40 by the time he's not pandering to his child and ex who live next door. Are you happy to live with that? I expect not.

Them living next door is the huge thing in all this. It makes the dynamic of the whole thing different from the usual co-parenting set up. There would be some kind of routine if they lived even 10k apart and had to have some set boundaries/arrangements (of course things can pop up unexpectedly even in these circumstances) but this living on each others door step means things can pop up all the time and you end up bottom of the list of priorities.

I'm sure he's a great guy, you get along and you have feelings for him but it sounds to me like you need to extract yourself from this situation a.s.a.p
This is a situation where no one is wrong. He is right to want to see his daughter as much as he can and do all he can for her. However, you are right to not want to play second/third/fourth fiddle forever and have no sense of stability in your realtionship.

If he simply won't compromise and has said things can always change in the blink of an eye and you just have to accept that, well, I think you need to call it a day and not prolong the relationship. You could string it along for 6-12-18 months before you finally get totally fed up and leave. If you know now you're not willing to be second best then do the right thing, albeit the hard thing, and walk away now. As painful an idea as a breakup might seem now imagine what it will be like even further down the line after more time and emotions invested in the realtionship

Best of luck

Elle Collins

tired*** wrote: »

Elle, there are no indications that it will ever change, in fact he said it won't.

In that case you know what to do tired***. I have to say this sounds like a very short-sighted man you're dealing with. It is very possible to move on in your personal life and remain a good parent, but I reckon it'll take a couple more relationship collapses for him to cop on to that.

LegacyUser

Tired*** wrote: »

I didn’t realise things would be so messy when I entered this relationship. We don't live together but he wants me to move in (we've been seeing each other for 1 year and a half)

Coming from the mans point of view I can tell you its difficult to try and balance everything but i'll say this to you:

If she wants to make things more messy then it can get a lot lot lot worse. If she takes the hump about you moving in or anything at all and stops him from seeing the child then what sort of a state will he be in??? He will need to drag her thru the courts for access maybe get to see the child every 2nd weekend. Honestly, its not easy to deal with for him or for you. I understand why my g/f left when i was going thru it and i dont blame her.

astra2000

Elle Collins wrote: »

I have to say this sounds like a very short-sighted man you're dealing with. It is very possible to move on in your personal life and remain a good parent, but I reckon it'll take a couple more relationship collapses for him to cop on to that.

I would agree with elle in time he will realise something will have to give, be it his personal life or boundaries with his ex. I imagine that them living next door to each other will have implications on any relationship either of them have, not many people would be happy moving next door to their partners ex. I think that it would be very hard on you to move in even if their relationship was amicable and there was boundaries, but as it stands you would be the one compromising, or complaining or feeling hard done by, not a nice way to have to live your life long term.Best of luck

Sleepy

Just two things:

1. You will never, ever, ever, ever be more important to him than his daughter. Unless you can accept that, walk away.

2. His daughter's mother will have a lot of say in his life because the Irish state is heavily discriminatory in favour of women in terms of separated parents. She has all the power in their relationship because she controls the access to (presumably) the most important thing in his life.

That she can inconvenience your relationship is not any reflection that you're playing second fiddle to her. It's an extension of my first point.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Think you should finish. When your partner's child is older and he has gotten used to being a dad he'll be ready for a new relationship but if you hang around you'll have lost your mind by the time it happens.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your replies, I read them so many times the last days each time I got frustrated again and again with the situation.

I keep thinking that there might be a perfect way of solving it if only I analyse it long enough, but it's not looking very promising

S23: Yes, I think I know what to do, that's the hardest. Each time it happens I promise myself it will be the last one, yet I then can't get myself to leave. I just love him too much, but didn’t expect this situation. And I feel like I already invested so much of my time/emotions into this. But the longer it takes, the worst it will be. It's exactly as you say: if they lived 20 minutes away it would already make a huge difference on how they would organise themselves. Being neighbours, they are opting of the easy way out. Which is all good for all the 3 of them, except for me. Thank u so much for your help!

Elle and Astra: Couldn't have said better myself. Moving out is out of the question, and it might take a few other people hurt and walking away, unfortunately. Thank u a lot for ur advice.

Shallow hal: In hindsight, what would you have done differently with your girlfriend, if you don’t mind sharing?

Sleepy: Thank u! Hard brutal truth, but it's important to hear it. When I entered the relationship I questioned myself and came to the conclusion I could live with (1), even if it was not ideal. I def can't live with (2).

Bottle of Smoke: thank u, I know what you mean. If only I could find the heart to… I keep thinking there has to be a solution, if I think enough about it. sigh.

mylittlepony

Hi, are you sure they are legally separated?
I just get the impression that they are not, as there is no structure, timetable or boundaries like you usually would get in most legal separations in general.

Also the fact that he was negative about how his daughter was conceived and how at that time and in a marriage (how strange isnt marriage mainly about creating family) he didnt want want kid(s) is worrying.
You mention you would like kids someday, has he change his mind and now would like more kids in future.
Thats something to be aware of, you dont want to find out later on that he doesnt and you have wasted your precious time.
Time precious, life short.

OS119

mylittlepony wrote: »

Hi, are you sure they are legally separated?
I just get the impression that they are not, as there is no structure, timetable or boundaries like you usually would get in most legal separations in general.

structure, timetables and boundaries only happen in seperations/divorces where the parties want them, and by and large, are constructs placed upon the parties only because they are unable to acheive agreements themselves.

that the OP's BF and his soon-to-be-ex-wife have managed to construct a parenting/co-existance model between themselves that caters for the needs of the child, allows both parents maximum access and means the two parties are happy in each others company and prepared to help one another at short notice is to be applauded.

what the OP's BF has acheived is worth several thousand euro in court/solicitors fees and untold hours of aggrivation and hassle, all with not a penny spent and no hard feelings and recrimination.

the OP needs to understand on an emotional level - as i think she does on an intellectual level - that the Child and its Mother come as a package while the legal system is so heavily weighted against the idea that the Father should have as much time with, and responsibility for, the child as the mother does. her BF has to tread on eggshells as he is absolutely at the mothers mercy, he can never say 'no', he can never allow her nose to get out of joint, and he can never let her know that he's walking on eggshells around her - the continuation of this model has to come across as absolutely the 'natural order of things'.

the OP is right to ask herself if she can play 3rd fiddle until the child is about 16 - but she must understand that her BF doesn't have much choice, and his ability to change the situation in her favour while maintaining an excellent relationship with both the child and its mother (which, sadly, is pretty much the same thing) is pretty limited.

LegacyUser

Tired*** wrote: »

Shallow hal: In hindsight, what would you have done differently with your girlfriend, if you don’t mind sharing?

To be honest, at the time i dont think i could have done much different. I was getting flipped sideways thru courts, I was in such bad mood all the time, Not easy being told that you cant see your kid week after week and then when you get into court having a barrister down your throat accusing you of not seeing your kid week after week.!!!!! Such a dark time.

Has had a knock on effect too, just today my current g/f told my to shut up about the last 9 years and if i want to complain to ring my ex cause she done it. Didnt even know i was complaining.

Anyway tired, there is one thing for sure, a Quick solution is not likely, rocking the boat will have knock on hassles, if he changes things it will have knock on hassle. any type of change will most likely have a bad result.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Me again. I see you're still trying to analyse this to turn it into something workable. It can't be done. He's told you out straight he won't comprimise and things won't change!!! I WASTED 5 years of my life hanging round hoping that things would change, they never did. I miss out on so much because of my ex's situation and it sickens me that I didn't cut it short. You know you can put up with anything when you talk yourself into it??? But at the end of the day you have to realise that what you are choosing is to be a Number 2 for your Number 1. It hurts beyond anything to be dropped, walked on, talked round etc etc, my self esteem was in tatters, my confidence the same and worst of all I ended up resenting an innocent child Although thank god I never let her see what I was feeling and was always very good to her. After I broke up with the ex (who I've never seen since) his daughter and her mother got in contact and said the daughter missed me something fierce. So I visited her and we've kept our relationship, I see her a few times a year, funny really when you think about it but the child herself was never the problem, the father was. My ex didn't have any sense either, he thought he was being "straight" with me when he explained I meant nothing to him compared to her and how I would never be as important as her and how (and I **** you not) if he had to save one of us from drowning he'd save her. All this from a man I would have walked over hot coals for. Also you don't get medals for being understanding and forgiving and accomodating, I basically felt like a martyr at the end of it.

Like I was with him for 5 years, you know how you're supposed to be upset after a break up??? Well after I'd finished it I might as well have been on drugs, I was nearly high with how good it was to finally throw in the towel and say no more, to say you know what I'm important, I deserve to be someone's number 1. I've never ONCE regretted it, not even for a second. Don't give this years and years and years to come back to the realisation of something you already know: You will never get back off him what you give, which is 100% commitment and love, you will only ever be the second fiddle. Please don't make the same mistake I made!!!! Safe yourself the heartache, pain, frustration, hopelessness etc etc etc.

:Dahem..... sorry for the rant but I really couldn't think of a nice way to say all of that ^^

Also on a side note about 2 months after we split I met the love of my life and he loves me more than I ever thought a man could, I'm the most important thing in his universe and he in mine.:)

Fittle

The real issue here is that your boyfriend hasn't really separated from his wife at all.

He has moved next door. He may as well be living in the same house with her, but have separate bedrooms. He hasn't separated his life from hers...It's actually a perfect relationship for both of them, in many ways. They both get the best of each other, without having to live together, and both get an equal part of their childs life.

He hasn't moved on from her - nor her from him. I'd run for the hills.

Is there any chance he could move in with you OP?

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for the replies… I know it’s been a while, sorry about that
I didn’t explain before, but they were never officially married, just lived together for the child.

I’m just confused. I would like to ask, based on the replies…

… as OS119 (and my bf) has said, based on the Irish law, the father ends up having to agree with 95% of the ex’s wishes and demands, only to make sure he will be able to see his child and will not go through court.

So what is a single father supposed to do after a divorce/split up? To not move on and never have another relationship until the child is 18, otherwise he might not be able to see the child?

Or should he do so but expect the new girlfriend to have never-ending patience, understanding, no self-love, and more importantly, no dreams, no feelings or no future plans of her own?

I understand that single fathers with kids and single mother with kids would probably work things out better, as they have the same priorities - well-being of their kids. But my bf says he doesnt want kids anymore, and I don't want them myself either. So what I want from him is... him. I'm not with him for the bound, for having children, for money, for none of these reasons. I'm with him for the wonderful person he is.

But this person already belongs to another family...

Curlzy, thanks again for your advice, and your “rant” was extremely helpful. I see myself in every sentence of yours. It’s so hard to leave, though!

Fittle: exactly. Some days I think he is great for trying to be a good father. Some days I think he is just being terribly selfish – he wants to pretend he is still married to her and has a family life with her (he even have dinner everynow and them with the child, ex and previous in-laws!!), and yet wants all the good things of being single with a new girlfriend. Sigh.
He did mention us moving in, but I after seeing how he doesn't draw boundaries to her, I'm just afraid. I'll resent even more if it starts hapenning in our house, cos then I wouldn't have nowhere to escape to.

I just keep thinking there has to a be a way… otherwise I’ll just have to leave him, even though I love him so much - and also rule out ever ever dating a man with children again! I really thought I could keep an open mind about that, but I’m realising it’s tough.

I don’t want to hurt anymore..!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Tired*** wrote: »

… as OS119 (and my bf) has said, based on the Irish law, the father ends up having to agree with 95% of the ex’s wishes and demands, only to make sure he will be able to see his child and will not go through court.

So what is a single father supposed to do after a divorce/split up? To not move on and never have another relationship until the child is 18, otherwise he might not be able to see the child?

Or should he do so but expect the new girlfriend to have never-ending patience, understanding, no self-love, and more importantly, no dreams, no feelings or no future plans of her own?

Pretty much yes, but I wouldn't say until the child is 18. When the kid is semi-independent, ie aged 11-13 I'd imagine the father is under less pressure as she could call over to him/meet up and the mother couldn't really stop it without the kid realising she's nuts.

LegacyUser

Woud you include in those 95% he has to agree with calls early in the morning and late in the evening asking for favours that don't include the daughter? (ie picking the ex at the airport without any notice, DIY)?

How about them (my bf, the ex and the daughter) having frequent dinners and visiting together the in-laws (ex's father, my bf's parents), even though the daughter sees her granpas every week anyway?

Thanks...

Max Power1

Tired*** wrote: »

Woud you include in those 95% he has to agree with calls early in the morning and late in the evening asking for favours that don't include the daughter? (ie picking the ex at the airport without any notice, DIY)?

How about them (my bf, the ex and the daughter) having frequent dinners and visiting together the in-laws (ex's father, my bf's parents), even though the daughter sees her granpas every week anyway?

Thanks...

Totally not on imo

Sounds like he hasnt moved on from the "ex" at all.

LegacyUser

Tired*** wrote: »

Hello,

My boyfriend has a child from his first marriage, she is 6 now. The child was not planned at all, on the contrary, it was more of a trick of his ex (she said she was on the pill, he said he didn’t want a child, and…magic! she was pregnant)

Yet he says he doesn't want to be only a weekend father, and he's the perfect father to her. His daughter lives with his ex, who regretfully lives next door to him, so he sees them pretty much everyday. My bf and the ex call each other several times a day to arrange who will pick her up at school in the next day, who will feed her that evening, etc – as they have no routine at all.

He likes not having a routine, as it allows him to see more of the child, and the ex obviously like it too, so she can have her girl when it's convenient to her, and when it's not, she sends her to his house. The ex hasn't been with anyone else since they split up and I'm pretty sure she is bitter about us, and deep inside would like to go back with him. She kept his house, his car, the dog and all the furniture.

I don't have children (I'm 28 and I definitely want to wait) and I didn’t realise things would be so messy when I entered this relationship. We don't live together but he wants me to move in (we've been seeing each other for 1 year and a half).

He will never say "no" to his daughter or to his ex. So I'm always the one who has to accept any change of plans, or new plans, or whatever. And do so smiling, because I don't want to get between him and his daughter. However, that makes me feel like the last one on his list, after him, the girl and especially after the ex.

I talked to him, he seems to understand, but says his priority will always be his child. Therefore, it's a kind of "take it or leave it" situation
I'm not asking him to abandon the child, but I would like to have a minimum of order in my life and a bit of control over the situation.

Should I walk away? Would any of you accept this situation?

Other than that, he is a really nice man.

Thank you very much.

Hi Op. Has your boyfriend actually spoke to his ex about any of these issues, or is he just automatically assuming the worst that she will behave like a bitch, and stop him seeing his child if he doesn't do everything for her?
I also don't know why you are assuming that the ex is bitter about you and your boyfriend, and wants to be back with him.
If this was the case, and your boyfriend is so scared of pissing her off, then surely he wouldn't have asked you to move in with him, right next door to her?

From reading the posts, it just seems as if it's his ex alone that is being made out to be a horrible person, who bosses him about and if he doesn't obey then he loses some of the access to his child.
However, though this could be the case, I don't see any evidence for that just from what you've posted so far.
If he has already spoken to her about these things, or she has in the past threatened him of cutting access to the child when he didn't do what she wanted, then fair enough you have a perfectly valid point, and I could see why he is afraid, but you haven't mentioned that he has.

From the sounds of it, he seems very happy with the arrangement, and so does she.
They seem to get along great, which is a lot better than the usual stories you hear between exes arguing over children.
If you are getting left out, then the issue is with him, not his ex.
He didn't "have to agree" to collect her from the airport or to do DIY for her.
He chose to do these things, and seems quite happy about doing them.

Have you actually spoke to him about how SERIOUS you feel about about all of this, and how annoyed you are about playing second fiddle? [I know you have spoke to him, but did you let him know that it could possibly be a deal breaker]
You said that you always just accept the change of plans, and "do so smiling", because you don't want to cause hassle.
So maybe he doesn't realize exactly how seriously upset you are about it all.

There doesn't have to be a huge row with his ex. It could be as simple as like in the example of her asking him to collect her from the airport, "sorry, I can't do that, I have plans made tonight with 'your name',"
- do you really think that with a polite refusal like that, that she will turn around and say, "right so, you're not seeing your daughter this week" when she knows the 6 year old will most likely be asking to see him?
If she is the type to do that then he has serious problems.

I can understand him putting his daughter first, and I don't think it would be right to try and put some sort of boundaries on his time with his daughter.
Like I don't think that there should only be certain times that she is allowed to call, or that he is allowed to go see her.
If you ever had kids of your own there wouldn't be these boundaries or allocated time schedules that you would see your kids, you would see them everyday obviously.
Now I know, she is not your child so you have no obligation to do this, but she is his child, and he is lucky enough to still be able to see her very regularly.
It is up to you to decide if you can live with this.
It wouldn't make you a bad person if you decide that you can't. I think a lot of people would have problems with it.

Where there can, and SHOULD be boundaries though, is the amount of things he does for his ex. He should not be agreeing to constantly drop plans with you to go and do errands or favors for the ex, (if they are not for his child in some way).
He needs to either just stop doing this and politely refuse her requests, or have a talk with her about how it's not really appropriate, and that they need to set some guidelines as to what is acceptable. ie- just things relating to the daughter.

If she kicks up a fuss about this, or stops him seeing his daughter, then either he sorts that somehow with her, or you leave.
It is not your battle to be fighting, and it is up to him and her to work it out amicably.
You have no obligation to be caught in the middle of this feeling unhappy, or threading on eggshells afraid of rocking the boat.
If it can't be sorted amicably between them, then I would personally leave.
You either choose to just accept being unhappy, or you go.

A lot of talking should be done first though, to at least attempt to better the situation.
You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling, ie- that you are thinking of actually leaving him if all the dropping things to do things for his ex doesn't stop .
He needs to set some boundaries with the ex about the favors etc., and hopefully they can agree and he will still get to continue the good relationship with his daughter.
Nothing will be sorted, if nobody talks or attempts to do anything to rectify the situation.

Hope you can all work something out OP, and if it doesn't then don't feel guilty about leaving. His ex and daughter are not your responsibility, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that it is just too much for you to deal with.
You shouldn't be expected to just accept everything either.
You knew he had a child, you've given the relationship a very good go, and there's no shame in coming to the conclusion that it's just too much to handle. It would be for a lot of people.
Hopefully though, some of these issues can be sorted out by talking. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks a lot for your replies and advice.

Yes, in the past the ex didn’t allow him to see the child for over a month because she got annoyed when he declined baby-sitting one day, even though he had minded the child every single day of the week.

The daughter is actually adorable and a lot of fun, so she is not the problem.

I told him how I feel, he has seen me crying about it, but he just feels like I add up to his “torment” – “as in if wasn’t bad enough putting up with the ex, now I am giving him grief too”. I also told him I couldn’t bear it anymore, and he said there was nothing he could do, it was either take it or leave it. Sigh.

Not much talking can be done with the ex, as she is very sly, agrees with whatever and then when ever suits her or she gets annoyed, she changes the rules.

It just feels really unfair, since he didn’t tell me things would be like this from the start. He didn’t even say anything about the child for a while, then said he just saw her “every now and again, and actually never wanted to have had that child anyway” (and indeed he didn’t see her very often back then, they had just split). And now that I’m completely involved, things have changed and he sees her all the time (which is not a problem) and go out/share activities/does favours with the ex everyday…

All the best, and thanks a lot again for all your help. It has been difficult times and it helps so much reading different perspectives. I don’t want to be unfair, but I also don’t want to hurt. And I really like him…

LegacyUser

Tired*** wrote: »

Hi, thanks a lot for your replies and advice.

Yes, in the past the ex didn’t allow him to see the child for over a month because she got annoyed when he declined baby-sitting one day, even though he had minded the child every single day of the week.

The daughter is actually adorable and a lot of fun, so she is not the problem.

I told him how I feel, he has seen me crying about it, but he just feels like I add up to his “torment” – “as in if wasn’t bad enough putting up with the ex, now I am giving him grief too”. I also told him I couldn’t bear it anymore, and he said there was nothing he could do, it was either take it or leave it. Sigh.

Not much talking can be done with the ex, as she is very sly, agrees with whatever and then when ever suits her or she gets annoyed, she changes the rules.

It just feels really unfair, since he didn’t tell me things would be like this from the start. He didn’t even say anything about the child for a while, then said he just saw her “every now and again, and actually never wanted to have had that child anyway” (and indeed he didn’t see her very often back then, they had just split). And now that I’m completely involved, things have changed and he sees her all the time (which is not a problem) and go out/share activities/does favours with the ex everyday…

All the best, and thanks a lot again for all your help. It has been difficult times and it helps so much reading different perspectives. I don’t want to be unfair, but I also don’t want to hurt. And I really like him…

Well in that case OP, he has evidence and experience that she definitely is the type who will stop him seeing the daughter, and he is probably not going to talk to her again about it.
I suspect that maybe the ex is easily angered by him, because as you said at the start he didn't seem to want to have much to do with the child, is it the reason that they split up?

Anyhow, it's irrelevant now, he has watched you crying and told you straight out, "either take it or leave it", I would recommend you choose the leave option OP.
After reading what you have written there, there is nothing more that can be done, until they work it out between the 2 of them.
There's a good chance they never will though, and he'll just have to wait until the daughter is older to be in a relationship.
Don't waste your life waiting for it to happen.
It wouldn't matter how far apart they lived, he would still drive to his ex whenever she wanted.
You are really quite young to be putting up with all of this.
He can't have a relationship and will lose many girlfriends, if he and the ex don't stop the way they are behaving.
Not your problem. You deserve some happiness of your own, so cut your losses and just go.
Go and live your own life.
I think that poster Curlzy offers the best advice to you, as she has been there too.
Best of luck Op.