Totally Fed up

cyan95

I was wondering if anyone could help me or if they have has dealt with this problem.

My father in law died suddenly about three years ago, one of the brothers lives in England and the other one (my husband) lives here. It been a traumatic couple of years for my mother in law and us dealing with the sudden death etc.

The other brother has done absolutely nothing over the last three years to support his mother whether it would be phoning her or coming home to see her or having her over etc. We have to do everything for her together with a couple of very good friends that she has - which I don't know what we or she would do without.

I am absolutely getting fed up and very bitter that all the burden of this has been put on to us and he gets away scott free from his duties. The way he goes on, you would swear he lives in Australia and not England.

How do you deal with a person like this and get him to accept his responsibilities as she his mother also. It has been said to him a couple of times about this and he says "yeah no problem I'll do that" and then he lets everyone down by not doing it.

Any help on this would be appreciated - as I am getting near the end of my patience with him and I may say something that I will regrets.

Thanks all.

Kimia

What kind of things do you have to do for the MIL op? Does she live with you? Do you have to do her shopping for her - that sort of thing? The reason I'm asking is because my answer will depend on her level of independence.

cyan95

No she does not live with us - but our weekends go basically bringing her here and there shopping etc.

We both work full time and the weekends are the only time that we can do our own thing.

One example The brother was over in September for his 50th birthday and had a party here. He was over for a total of 5 days and she seen him once as he was off partying with his OH family or showing around his Uk friends. I am not saying that you should not do that but you could also spend a bit of time with your mother aswell as you did not see her since xmas 2009.

Just writing this I am fuming and I just don't want to have this feeling everytime his name is mentioned as it is not doing me or anyone else anygood.

cyan95

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think it's time to say something you will regret. How many times has he promised to do something and then let you all down? He's well aware he is shirking his responsibilities but until anyone takes him to task over it, he isnt going to bother changing.

What has your husband said to him? It's his brother - he should be the one to pull him up over it, not you.

Seriously, he needs to be told to cop the h*ll on. :rolleyes:

It has been said to him numerous time and it goes in one ear and out the next and that in itself is very annoying.

It has been said about eight or nine times by several people and it does not bother him. How do you deal with someone like that??

Kimia

cyan95 wrote: »

It has been said to him numerous time and it goes in one ear and out the next and that in itself is very annoying.

It has been said about eight or nine times by several people and it does not bother him. How do you deal with someone like that??

I'd be raging too OP - I really don't blame you. But bar you taking the same route as him there's not much you can do. It's very important that you and your OH have time to yourself - have you spoken to his mother about organising your time so that you have a break? I'm sure she doesn't want you to be giving up all your spare time either (if she's a reasonable woman).

Have you spoken to your OH about it?

cyan95

Kimia wrote: »

I'd be raging too OP - I really don't blame you. But bar you taking the same route as him there's not much you can do. It's very important that you and your OH have time to yourself - have you spoken to his mother about organising your time so that you have a break? I'm sure she doesn't want you to be giving up all your spare time either (if she's a reasonable woman).

Have you spoken to your OH about it?

The mother in law can be very difficult if you let her (which I don't) but I do think she needs to say it to him also. I keep saying this to her and its oh yeah I will say that etc and she doesn't say anything. Maybe my tactic should be doing less for her and then it might force her to confront him.

cafecolour

When I first read this, I assumed she was in her 80s. 50?

Your BIL is an arse, yes, he may improve with age, but I don't think he's going to change much now. I'd stop worrying about him and worry more about getting your MIL a good bit more independent. Perhaps some grief counseling, and encouragement to start pursuing some interests/hobbies/activities/etc.

cyan95

Thanks guys for all your suggestions and help.

This asshole now is not coming home for christmas and we are going to the US on christmas eve. This has been known since March of this year that we wouldn't be here and he was saying I'll be home don't worry etc.

He broke this news only last week and his brother/Mother and son here have been giving out to him etc.

His mother phoned him yesterday and all he could say as to how selfish we where going to US at Christmas. How dare he put it on to us as every christmas we are away. If he was here in front of me I would put him through my office wall.

I don't want to betray his mother's confidence as she said it to my husband that way. Seriously, I want him to know that I know. Who is he to tell anyone what to do when he does nothing.

How do I approach this as I do think he needs a good dressing down as I am now at the end of my patiences with him. If I never seen him again I really wouldn't care.

Any help/suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks,:)

Suzyq

God he sounds like a 'lovely' person. Would your mother-in-law be able to go to him for Christmas in that case?

cyan95

He asked here half heartly to go over and she said no -That is not my problem either.

No matter who does what we always seem to get the blame for it and that is why I am totally fed up.

At the moment, I feel like telling them all to f*** off as I have enough going on at the moment. If it goes on much longer like this I will have no option but to walk away from the whole lot of them for the sake of my sanity and my husbands.

I do think that is my only option left now as this has been going on for the last two years and it is getting worse.

Fittle

Firstly OP, I do sympathise.

But you have to appreciate that your brother may not have the same relationship with his mother, that your husband has. He obviously isn't inclined to help her out, support her or contribute to her life in any way, and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. His relationship with his mother is exactly that, HIS relationship with her. You can rant and rave all you want, but you are never going to change the habits of a 50yr old man, who has obviously, long ago, decided to let his brother over here (your hubby) look after their mother.

You are entitled to your christmas away and confronting him or arguing, will get you nowhere. Perhaps you could ask the friends to look after her this christmas?

It's quite sad, and always reminds me how much I don't want to get old.

Like I said however, you are not going to change him at all, so I wouldn't even try - you will only upset yourself. He will regret this when she's gone though...that's for sure.:(

cyan95

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly OP, I do sympathise.

But you have to appreciate that your brother may not have the same relationship with his mother, that your husband has. He obviously isn't inclined to help her out, support her or contribute to her life in any way, and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. His relationship with his mother is exactly that, HIS relationship with her. You can rant and rave all you want, but you are never going to change the habits of a 50yr old man, who has obviously, long ago, decided to let his brother over here (your hubby) look after their mother.

You are entitled to your christmas away and confronting him or arguing, will get you nowhere. Perhaps you could ask the friends to look after her this christmas?

It's quite sad, and always reminds me how much I don't want to get old.

Like I said however, you are not going to change him at all, so I wouldn't even try - you will only upset yourself. He will regret this when she's gone though...that's for sure.:(

You are right - but he thinks that he can walk in and out of people's lives and what he does to them should have no consequences. When he wants to play happy families we must all participate.

I want him to know that he can't anymore do that to us - when she is dead and gone that is his problem and his regrets not mine. We won't be there for him and that what I want him to know.