What do Y'all think

hollygirl08 · 29-11-2010 2:13pm #1

Hi,
Just wondering what you would do in my situation, ladies and gents opinions welcome... I'm going out with this guy for the last couple of months. Was in a relationship with him before but the timing wasn't just quite right at that time for me so we broke up. Anyhow, the "problem" is as follows:- every time we are watching tv he constantly and I mean constantly has to pass comment on girls/women on whatever programme we're watching, comments range from "she's very pretty", "she's very good looking" or can go the other way and be "she's got x y or z" wrong with her. When we went out together previously over a year ago it was the same thing, I tried to do the - letting it go over my head bit but as it's happening once again it's really beginning to piss me off. I mentioned to him before about it and asked him out straight was he trying to upset me by doing this or what. To which he replied, of course not and more or less laughed it off. The thing is, it's not a case that he doesn't realise he's doing it, as he doesn't do it lets say in front of my family or his if the tv situation were to arise. I don't want to come across as being a jealous paranoid freak and I hope I'm not, it's just that it's getting very tiring and annoying. It's one thing having an admiring sneaky peak at the opposite sex and keeping it to yourself but IMO it's a completely different story, ogling them and feeling the need to tell me all about it. Sorry for long winded rant but would love some opinions. Am I over reacting or.....Thanks in advance. Oh ps, apart from this, we actually do get on very well, have a great laugh together and he's a decent guy. Maybe it's just about weighing up the pro's and con's, who knows, I certainly don't....

Maple · 29-11-2010 2:43pm

Moved from TLL, better suited here I feel.

M.

Professional Griefer · 29-11-2010 2:45pm

He might just be doing it to get a reaction out of you, but not in a bad way. Just kind of a messing way, but you can't be sure.

And theres also nothing wrong with it, you shouldn't take it too personal. Everyone does it, its just how we are.

prinz · 29-11-2010 2:58pm

Ix Deadmau5 wrote: »

Everyone does it, its just how we are.

I don't. The odd comment maybe, but not a running commentary on every woman on TV. Tbh that would bug the hell out of me, the same as one of those people who constantly ask 'who's she/he?' 'what's he doing' 'why' etc etc when watching a tv or movie. Just shut up and watch it :mad:

I'd be telling him to cop on and grow up a bit OP. Does he do the same about girls on the street? How often does he compliment you?

hollygirl08 · 29-11-2010 4:31pm

Thanks for your replies, to be honest, I don't think everyone does it. Previous guys I've gone out with haven't done it. He does comment on girls in the street too..I'm the first one to crack a joke and also feel like I have a pretty good sense of humour but I find it a little pathetic and disrespectful I guess. He does compliment me from time to time but somehow I feel that this sort of stupid childish behaviour takes away from and ruins any compliment he gives me. Oh Lordy, what to do. I'm going to feel like I'm "nagging" him if I bring it up again. On the other hand I don't know how much more of it I can put with. The saga continues...Thanks again

prinz · 29-11-2010 4:43pm

hollygirl08 wrote: »

I'm going to feel like I'm "nagging" him if I bring it up again.

You shouldn't. Nagging is one thing. Bringing up an issue that is causing problems in the relationship is completely different. If it bothers you bring it up, how he deals with it will speak volumes about where his head is at.

Elle Collins · 30-11-2010 12:03pm

hollygirl08 wrote: »

...pathetic and disrespectful...

My thoughts exactly. I'd leave a man over that, nothing to do with jealousy or paranoia, but because I couldn't respect someone who consistantly behaved like a pr!ck.

Taltos · 30-11-2010 12:07pm

Maybe you are just not suited to each other.

This could be the relationships fatal flaw... Clearly he has not changed - but maybe someone else would be able to put up with this.
Think ahead 5 or 10 yrs - will you be able to put up with this for that long and for more? If so then find a way to let go - otherwise think the writing is on the wall.

Assuming of course that you have really let him know that this is causing you to want to leave etc...

Zen65 · 30-11-2010 12:54pm

hollygirl08 wrote: »

Am I over reacting or.....

What exactly are you reacting to?

Does he comment on other things too, or have you noticed?
Does he see cars/houses/men on TV and express an opinion on those?
Are you reacting specifically because of the comments he passes on other women, and if so, why?
Do you feel he is comparing you to them?

I ask these questions because you have not really addressed this aspect at all in your post. You say it is "disrespectful", but to whom?? Them? You?

If he's disrespecting you by commenting on them, how is that the case? If he comments on the political situation in India, is that also disrespecting you?

What I'm asking really is this - do you consider that your bf is not entitled to have (or to express) an opinion on any other woman simply because he is with you?

Be at peace,

Z

weatherguy · 30-11-2010 4:29pm

He's trying to impose himself as the big, hard man who makes snide comments about women when and where he likes.
I would seriously question him about this. Seems to me he has little respect for women. I've never heard guys doing this kind of thing in that situation.
So, I would receommend you exit this relationship. Because he is basically undermining women full stop.
Why would you want to go out with a guy like that?

LegacyUser · 30-11-2010 6:10pm

OP, I went out with a guy who did the exact same thing as your fella. Constantly passing remarks about good looking women and also picking holes in not so attractive girls, both on the telly and in real life. I laughed it off at first but after a while I started to feel less confident about myself. After about six months, he started turning it round on me. He passed negative comments if I wore a certain eyeshadow or clothes or tell me I needed to put more makeup on. Eventually he began comparing parts of my body to celebrities in magazines (how was i meant to compete with airbrushing??!!!) so he got the cut.

From my experience, I'd advise you to nip this in the bud or seriously consider if this is something you're willing to put up it. I foolishly put up with it for 8 months.

curlzy · 01-12-2010 12:59pm

It certainly sounds nasty to me. I wouldn't agree with Zen65 analysis on this at all, like you can philosophise all you want and justify all you want but if you constantly criticise the positive and negative of the opposite sex you're going to systematically erode your OH's confidence and self esteem, we're not all yoga zen masters that can just not let things affect us (no offense Zen65, I just think you're sometimes too ready to apply philosophy and understanding to situations that would be better dealt with by a swift kick to the bollox/va-j-j). OP I would have ONE more conversation about this and then I would walk if it continued. It doesn't sound like he has a lot of respect for women to be honest, which isn't good, at all.

prinz · 01-12-2010 2:04pm

Zen65 wrote: »

What I'm asking really is this - do you consider that your bf is not entitled to have (or to express) an opinion on any other woman simply because he is with you?

Expressing an opinion now and again is one thing. Constantly doing it is another thing entirely. It has nothing to do with the OP denying her bf's right to express an opinion on members of the opposite sex or the political situation in India or anything else. Its a pattern of behaviour that the bf feels he can get away with around the OP, but that wouldn't be acceptable around others => he knows what he is doing is crossing a line. The OP has brought it to his attention and he persists.

Like any other bad habit the bf can control it, and that's all it seems to be a bad habit that is rude and upsetting for the OP, much like if he was persistently picking his nose around her and nobody else, I would question the level of respect he is demonstrating.

Zen65 · 01-12-2010 5:31pm

curlzy wrote: »

It certainly sounds nasty to me. I wouldn't agree with Zen65 analysis on this at all, ....

...no offense Zen65, ....

Absolutely no offence taken at all.

But I should point out that I offered no analysis, nor any opinion.

I merely asked questions of OP to clarify what it is exactly that bothers her. The tone of OP's post (and some other responses here too) suggest that there is something going on underneath this man's behaviour, and that it is his perceived motivation which is at issue. I am merely seeking to understand what OP believes is going on.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser · 01-12-2010 6:05pm

Ix Deadmau5 wrote: »

He might just be doing it to get a reaction out of you, but not in a bad way. Just kind of a messing way, but you can't be sure.

And theres also nothing wrong with it, you shouldn't take it too personal. Everyone does it, its just how we are.

I disagree with this. Its not how we are. Not all of us.
I think anyone that does this shows a lack of respect for the person they are in a relationship with. Everyone sees people and thinks they are attractive but to voice it time and time again to the person youre having a serious relationship with is just disrespectful in my opinion. If it was my boyfriend i would have issue with this, and i would never do this to him either.

Even if he is doing this to mess with you i still think its not right, you shouldnt treat someone that way. If he knows it annoys you he shouldnt do it, that goes for anything, he should respect how you feel.

kjl · 02-12-2010 3:01am

hollygirl08 wrote: »

Hi,
Just wondering what you would do in my situation, ladies and gents opinions welcome... I'm going out with this guy for the last couple of months. Was in a relationship with him before but the timing wasn't just quite right at that time for me so we broke up. Anyhow, the "problem" is as follows:- every time we are watching tv he constantly and I mean constantly has to pass comment on girls/women on whatever programme we're watching, comments range from "she's very pretty", "she's very good looking" or can go the other way and be "she's got x y or z" wrong with her. When we went out together previously over a year ago it was the same thing, I tried to do the - letting it go over my head bit but as it's happening once again it's really beginning to piss me off. I mentioned to him before about it and asked him out straight was he trying to upset me by doing this or what. To which he replied, of course not and more or less laughed it off. The thing is, it's not a case that he doesn't realise he's doing it, as he doesn't do it lets say in front of my family or his if the tv situation were to arise. I don't want to come across as being a jealous paranoid freak and I hope I'm not, it's just that it's getting very tiring and annoying. It's one thing having an admiring sneaky peak at the opposite sex and keeping it to yourself but IMO it's a completely different story, ogling them and feeling the need to tell me all about it. Sorry for long winded rant but would love some opinions. Am I over reacting or.....Thanks in advance. Oh ps, apart from this, we actually do get on very well, have a great laugh together and he's a decent guy. Maybe it's just about weighing up the pro's and con's, who knows, I certainly don't....

I'm a guy, I was once in a relationship where it was the opposite, in the sense that my girlfriend constantly asked my who was prettier. Or we would be at the beach and she would make me look at every single woman on the beach and I would have to compare breasts and tan's.

I think you should lighten up on the guy a little, guys are just like that, everything we see we have to rate and comment on, and he is just being himself with you. I think it might be a little bit of your insecurity that he is comparing you to these women, which you have remember his is not doing.

What do Y'all think

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