My baby, what should I do?

LegacyUser

So I was going out with this girl for about 3 years and broke up in May 2009. There is no doubt that I was a little upset about it, but I moved on.

So about 5 months later she tells me she has met someone new and that she is pregnant with his kid. So at this point I am a little shocked, maybe a little hurt, but I got over it. Until February comes a long and she has the baby, which was my first hint that things didn't really add up.

So I do the maths and realise that for her to have the baby she would have had to have conceived in May, when she was still with me. So I bought a paternity testing kit off the internet where you get a swab of the inner mouth and a hair sample from both baby and parent and send them in for analyse. So needless to say the baby is mine, but here is where the problem lies.

Firstly, I wasn't given any warning about this at all, so it's just like I was dropped into parenthood. I am a student and have no real means of supporting a child (I know it's not an excuse) so don't know what to do on that front. Secondly she is saying that it is not my child, and actually the child belongs to her current boyfriend, who is more than happy to look after her and the child. Thirdly, I never told her I took a paternity test, so from her point of view, I don't know.

So kinda suck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I feel like an class A prick for not looking after my kid, but on the other hand, I know the child is being looked after and if I play dumb this will continue to happen. I have always wanted to be a father, but not like this. I feel like I'm in a soap opera here with the way things are working out.

Any advice would be appreciated.

JonathanAnon

babyDaddy wrote: »

So I bought a paternity testing kit off the internet where you get a swab of the inner mouth and a hair sample from both baby and parent and send them in for analyse. So needless to say the baby is mine, but here is where the problem lies.

Can you clarify this paragraph.. Have you DONE all of the above, and the test has actually said that the child is yours?

kjl

I think it's fairly obvious that the baby is his. Look at the title for one, and look at the last sentence. "Needless to say the baby is mine"

lolli

I'm just curious as to how to you managed to get a swab off the baby for a DNA test? I know for sure that I would not leave my child in a room on her own with my ex.

LegacyUser

lolli wrote: »

I'm just curious as to how to you managed to get a swab off the baby for a DNA test? I know for sure that I would not leave my child in a room on her own with my ex.

Not really sure if how this is relevant to the topic at hand, but I did it when she left the room to go to the toilet, it only take 3 seconds. I'm not some freak, we have known each other for about 5 years now, so she does trust me.

Lolli, I would actually prefer advice and not some curiosity satisfaction posts.

Memnoch

lolli wrote: »

I'm just curious as to how to you managed to get a swab off the baby for a DNA test? I know for sure that I would not leave my child in a room on her own with my ex.

Even if you knew that the child was really his? (Which, let's face it, she has to know.)

Op.

Tough call mate. The truth is that as much as we try it's difficult to sever bonds of blood.

It's your kid and it's enough that you know this. Right now it feels like a hell of a lot of unnecessary responsibility to take on + you don't want to wreck the relationship of people who care for the child. (And it's not the poor boyfriend's fault she lied to him about it.)

The question you need to ask yourself is where do you see things in 10-15 years time. When you're a bit more mature and know you've got an almost grown up kid out there somewhere. There will always be a part of you that will feel it and maybe even with regret. You will also potentially be missing out on a lot of great stuff.

Do you have family that could potentially step in and lend a hand as far as raising the kid etc goes?

It's not great to have so much responsibility at an age where you should be enjoying life but that's the way things go sometimes.

What I'm saying is, if you're confident you will never regret this later, then maybe keeping quiet might work for you. Sadly, even though you might feel this way now things probably will change down the line.

Either way it's not an easy decision.

Fittle

Ok, so the first thing is I'm also a bit unsure how you did the swab?
Secondly, I'm also not sure I'd trust those paternity testing kits off the internet.

After a 3yr relationship, SURELY if the child was yours, she'd have told you, and not just grabbed the first fella who came along?
Also, the fella who she is currently with - surely he has questions about paternity too, if, as you say, the time between you and her splitting up, and him and her meeting, was so short??

Was is he so accepting that the child is his? Is it possible that the child actually IS his?

Anyway, you won't always be the age you are today - if this child is yours and you're currently a student and cant support a child etc - that won't always be the case. There will always be a part of you that knows you have a child out there, and will wonder what he/she is like etc. As you mature, you will probably regret not bonding with your child. You will most likely meet someone in the future and have children, and this child will be their half/brother or sister. So you could potentially be creating a huge issue for other people, when really there is no need.

The first thing you should do is get a DNA test done. You will have to pay for this yourself however (around 500euro), and if she refuses, I'm not sure if you can bring her to court to get it done, but yu can check that out.

If it turns out the child is yours, being a parent isn't all about money, and if you decide to be involved in the childs life, it can be done.

Anyway, get the proper dna test done first OP, that would be my advice.

fungun

The way to make the best decision is to think long term.

Fine, you cant support him now.
How do you imagine yourself feeling in 10 years when you can though? Do you think you will be alright about this? Do you think you will be happy to leave the kid with the woman and her partner? If you are not with this woman then its basically a choice of leaving things as they are or taking some responsibility (inc financial) for some time with this kid.

If you think you will be happy that this woman and her partner raise a kid that is actually yours then leave it. If you think you would want some interaction with your son, then Id talk to her now. If you still know her it really shouldnt be that hard a subject to bring up - based on the dates the child was conceived when she was with you.

If it was me, Id talk to her about it and ask for a DNA test. Why? Because this wont go away.
Women will do anything for their kids (dont mean this in a bad way at all, its natural and right)....and if there comes a time where she is short of money for her child and she knows you are successful and financially secure you can be sure she will get in touch with you then about the truth.
So in my mind even if you decide not to raise this issue, you would always be living with the risk of her raising it at some point and personally i would hate that.

metrovelvet

Well you've put yourself in a bad position with the dna test. Because you did it without her permission, if you fess up that could land you in trouble. Plus those internet dna kits have no legal validity.

She may really believe that that child is her current boyfriends, as may he.

Honestly, I think you have to bite the bullet and take the hit for doing the dna test and tell her you did this and tell her what the results said and also show her the results. And if she wishes, allow her to do her own dna test as she may not trust the source of yours.

You openned up this can of worms and now you owe to this family and this child to follow through.

OS119

OP, you could, of course, think about whats in the childs best interests.

remember, the thing that Parents are supposed to do?

from what you describe the childs mother seems to have found a willing 'father' for the child - and being an ex if there were any problems i imagine you'd have mentioned them - so its fair to assume that this is a working, supportive family unit.

if the child - who'se best interests you have at heart - is being brought up in a loving, supportive family where it has both its material and emotional needs met by people who want to do that, i'd question whether it was in the childs best interests for you to put that at risk.

you don't have any money, you aren't in love with the childs mother, you haven't actually mentioned your feelings for the child - just a vague idea of what you 'ought' to do as the genetic father of the child - yet by persuing this you may well break up a functioning familiy unit and have a significantly detrimental effect on the childs welfare.

it would be nice if you could gaurentee that if you were to prove that you're the father (or even push hard for a proper DNA test) the existing arrangement would continue with you taking a Father role as well and that all would be well - however you can't, and almost every other possible outcome is worse for the child than the current arrangement.

added to which, DNA tests done over the internet have about the same accuracy as throwing a stick into the air to determine next weeks lotto numbers.

time to man up to your parental responsibilities and pay bit less attention to your ego.

discus

OS119 wrote: »

OP, you could, of course, think about whats in the childs best interests.

remember, the thing that Parents are supposed to do?

from what you describe the childs mother seems to have found a willing 'father' for the child - and being an ex if there were any problems i imagine you'd have mentioned them - so its fair to assume that this is a working, supportive family unit.

if the child - who'se best interests you have at heart - is being brought up in a loving, supportive family where it has both its material and emotional needs met by people who want to do that, i'd question whether it was in the childs best interests for you to put that at risk.

you don't have any money, you aren't in love with the childs mother, you haven't actually mentioned your feelings for the child - just a vague idea of what you 'ought' to do as the genetic father of the child - yet by persuing this you may well break up a functioning familiy unit and have a significantly detrimental effect on the childs welfare.

Nicely put OS, I was about to post something similar. Nicely put...

metrovelvet

OS119 wrote: »

OP, you could, of course, think about whats in the childs best interests.

remember, the thing that Parents are supposed to do?

from what you describe the childs mother seems to have found a willing 'father' for the child - and being an ex if there were any problems i imagine you'd have mentioned them - so its fair to assume that this is a working, supportive family unit.

if the child - who'se best interests you have at heart - is being brought up in a loving, supportive family where it has both its material and emotional needs met by people who want to do that, i'd question whether it was in the childs best interests for you to put that at risk.

you don't have any money, you aren't in love with the childs mother, you haven't actually mentioned your feelings for the child - just a vague idea of what you 'ought' to do as the genetic father of the child - yet by persuing this you may well break up a functioning familiy unit and have a significantly detrimental effect on the childs welfare.

it would be nice if you could gaurentee that if you were to prove that you're the father (or even push hard for a proper DNA test) the existing arrangement would continue with you taking a Father role as well and that all would be well - however you can't, and almost every other possible outcome is worse for the child than the current arrangement.

added to which, DNA tests done over the internet have about the same accuracy as throwing a stick into the air to determine next weeks lotto numbers.

time to man up to your parental responsibilities and pay bit less attention to your ego.

A child growing up thinking one man is his father when another one is is the worst possible outcome. The truth will come out and then the **** really hits the fan.

Dont lie to kids.

SparkyTech

babyDaddy wrote: »

So I was going out with this girl for about 3 years and broke up in May 2009. There is no doubt that I was a little upset about it, but I moved on.

So about 5 months later she tells me she has met someone new and that she is pregnant with his kid. So at this point I am a little shocked, maybe a little hurt, but I got over it. Until February comes a long and she has the baby, which was my first hint that things didn't really add up.

So I do the maths and realise that for her to have the baby she would have had to have conceived in May, when she was still with me. So I bought a paternity testing kit off the internet where you get a swab of the inner mouth and a hair sample from both baby and parent and send them in for analyse. So needless to say the baby is mine, but here is where the problem lies.

Firstly, I wasn't given any warning about this at all, so it's just like I was dropped into parenthood. I am a student and have no real means of supporting a child (I know it's not an excuse) so don't know what to do on that front. Secondly she is saying that it is not my child, and actually the child belongs to her current boyfriend, who is more than happy to look after her and the child. Thirdly, I never told her I took a paternity test, so from her point of view, I don't know.

So kinda suck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I feel like an class A prick for not looking after my kid, but on the other hand, I know the child is being looked after and if I play dumb this will continue to happen. I have always wanted to be a father, but not like this. I feel like I'm in a soap opera here with the way things are working out.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi OP,

As much as you believe you arn't in a position at the moment to help out financaly or otherwise be a part of the childs life, and you know the babys bieng raised in a supportive household with a caring mother and partner, you do need to take into account the long term implications of what will happen down the line. Ultimatly you have brought a living breathing embryo into the world and you are responsible for helping to support it.

By not taking any action and leaving things as they are, the mother of this child may well pursue you for support, or it may come out in the future that you are the real father and you will have to explain that to all the parties concerned. As other posters have pointed out, you will have missed out on bieng a part of the kids life/bonding/key moments etc.. something which you can never get back. I can only imagine the guilt that would ensue if you regretted not coming clean and it backfires on you in the future.

You do need to get a conclusive DNA done though, if you want definitive proof, though as you say its more then likley it will prove whats already known.

Id come clean and bite the bullet. Both for yourself, the mother and more importantly for your kid.

Best of luck

Malari

I agree with Metrovelvet, if it ever comes out that you are the biological father, you want to be in a position where the child will not blame you for anything. And it is likely to come out at some point, whether it's the mother changing her mind, a medical situation, etc.

I think you should approach the mother with the same thought process you described originally - you did the maths, you suspect that maybe it could be yours, you'd really appreciate knowing for sure if it's yours. Explain to her you do not intend threatening the mother's current relationship, but you need to be certain for the child's sake.

OS119

metrovelvet wrote: »

A child growing up thinking one man is his father when another one is is the worst possible outcome. The truth will come out and then the **** really hits the fan....

is it really?

new boyfriend storms off, mother gets the hump, bans OP from contact and persues him for money he's not got. child loses loving father figure and carer.

better result? really?

the child being brought up in a single parent household with the mother hating the 'father' for fcuking up her - and the childs - life, the childs mother being stuck either on welfare or low income jobs because of not having anyone else to care for the child, so the child gets to live in crap accomodation, in crap areas with crap schools - but hey, the OP can scratch his balls and say 'i'm the babydaddy!'...

you need to take a seriously hard look at your priorities.

JonathanAnon

kjl wrote: »

I think it's fairly obvious that the baby is his.

lolli wrote: »

I'm just curious as to how to you managed to get a swab off the baby for a DNA test?

babyDaddy wrote: »

Not really sure if how this is relevant to the topic at hand, but I did it when she left the room to go to the toilet, it only take 3 seconds.

It is 100% relevant HOW the OP found out that the child is his... She will be furious and feel betrayed if she finds out you did this... So will you will need to be very careful how you broach the issue with her..

metrovelvet

@os119

Yes it is. These lies don't sustain. You think its ok for this man to be raising a child he thinks it is for 15 years or so only to find out its not his? You think this is ok for the child?

No way.

OS, respectfully you are way wrong here.

And I don't appreciate your negative stereotyping of single mothers. I take personal offence at it and I ask you to withdraw your statement. And I will have you know that single parenting is not a write off for a crap life, how dare you trap so many children into such a destiny.

Furthermore, you dont know the outcome of this scenario. You dont know that the couple would stay together anyway. You have no idea what would or would not happen if the truth comes out.

OS119

metrovelvet wrote: »

@os119

Yes it is. These lies don't sustain. You think its ok for this man to be raising a child he thinks it is for 15 years or so only to find out its not his?

do you not think this other bloke can count as well?

he probably has a pretty shrewd idea that it may well not be his child - yet he's decided to go with it anyway because (and this is where the fragile male ego comes into it) he has formed a relationship with the child and has no absolute proof that he's not the childs father.

while the issue is in doubt it can be brushed under the carpet, however if the issue were to raise its ugly head - or worse, a reputable DNA test prove that the OP is the biological father - i think (in my significant experience of being a man) that the the man currently acting as the childs father will walk away.

ambiguity one can morph into whatever you want, certainty is less easy to make tolerable.

with regards to the 'single mother' issue - its not a matter of personal opinion, its, all too sadly, the likely outcome given the way the social welfare system, nursery and school provision and employment clash. it is possible she may well be able to hold down a well paying job while looking after the child single handed (particularly while the child is young), but its rather less likely than the alternative.

certainly it has a greater chance of being proved correct than the OP's internet DNA test.

metrovelvet

OS119 wrote: »

do you not think this other bloke can count as well?

he probably has a pretty shrewd idea that it may well not be his child - yet he's decided to go with it anyway because (and this is where the fragile male ego comes into it) he has formed a relationship with the child and has no absolute proof that he's not the childs father.

while the issue is in doubt it can be brushed under the carpet, however if the issue were to raise its ugly head - or worse, a reputable DNA test prove that the OP is the biological father - i think (in my significant experience of being a man) that the the man currently acting as the childs father will walk away.

ambiguity one can morph into whatever you want, certainty is less easy to make tolerable.

with regards to the 'single mother' issue - its not a matter of personal opinion, its, all too sadly, the likely outcome given the way the social welfare system, nursery and school provision and employment clash. it is possible she may well be able to hold down a well paying job while looking after the child single handed (particularly while the child is young), but its rather less likely than the alternative.

certainly it has a greater chance of being proved correct than the OP's internet DNA test.

Why dont you talk to adults who were lied to their whole lives about paternal identity and then form an opinion.

Nevyn

The child is an infant, the facts of their parentage currently has no impact on them and for the most part won't be relevant until the get considerably older.

What matters currently more is the suport and care systems that the child needs.

OP it's your call, you can confront on this and demand a proper DNA test but you have to be prepared for the disruption it will cause and that you may be told to take a running jump and that you'd have to go to the courts to make it happen and part of that fall out could be that the mother is left struggling alone with the baby if she doens't want you invovled or you dont' want to get involved with the work a child is.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

The child is an infant, the facts of their parentage currently has no impact on them and for the most part won't be relevant until the get considerably older.
.

Right. So leave it until the child has formed a parental bond with the stepdad and the whole community has been treating this man like he is his father only for this lie to blow up in their faces.

It's paternity fraud plain and simple.

Nevyn

It's a big grey area and not one which is easily answered.
babyDaddy you need to weight up what's 'right' against what you want and what maybe best for the child.

Fittle

OS119 wrote: »

is it really?

new boyfriend storms off, mother gets the hump, bans OP from contact and persues him for money he's not got. child loses loving father figure and carer.

better result? really?

the child being brought up in a single parent household with the mother hating the 'father' for fcuking up her - and the childs - life, the childs mother being stuck either on welfare or low income jobs because of not having anyone else to care for the child, so the child gets to live in crap accomodation, in crap areas with crap schools - but hey, the OP can scratch his balls and say 'i'm the babydaddy!'...

you need to take a seriously hard look at your priorities.

You just brought this thread on a completely other road, with your opening sentence.

This isn't an issue about a dad abandoning a child - that's not what metrovelvet said at all. In THIS situation, the OP doesn't even know if the child is his, the mother is not a 'single' mother, because she claims the new partner is the father. You are turning this thread into something it's not, with your remarks above.

The OP needs to get REAL dna test done before anyone begins the argument above.

OS119

metrovelvet wrote: »

Right. So leave it until the child has formed a parental bond with the stepdad and the whole community has been treating this man like he is his father only for this lie to blow up in their faces.

It's paternity fraud plain and simple.

if the other guy is changing nappies at 4am, reading stories, playing in the snow and working overtime to buy Christmas presents then he is the childs Father.

the man i call dad has no genetic relationship to me closer to me than you do - yet he is my father because he nurtured, loved and educated me - he will always be my father because what he did was rather more significant than the actions of whoever sweated between my mothers thighs.

OS119

Fittle wrote: »

You just brought this thread on a completely other road, with your opening sentence...

had you read - and/or understood it you'd know that this was a hypothetical reply to MV's assertion that the current situation was the worst possible result.

it was not 'this is how it stands', it was 'this is how it may well stand if you follow though with this stupid idea'.

if you'd read it you'd know that - nice to see you taking so much care and thought over a subject that could have the most dramatic and far reaching consequences for four people, one of them a child.

metrovelvet

OS119 wrote: »

if the other guy is changing nappies at 4am, reading stories, playing in the snow and working overtime to buy Christmas presents then he is the childs Father.

the man i call dad has no genetic relationship to me closer to me than you do - yet he is my father because he nurtured, loved and educated me - he will always be my father because what he did was rather more significant than the actions of whoever sweated between my mothers thighs.

And were you lied to your whole life? Was your father? Was your bio father?

OS119

metrovelvet wrote: »

And were you lied to your whole life? Was your father? Was your bio father?

no, adopted at birth. thank fcuk.

i'm puzzled by your obsession with 'the truth' - which 'truth' do you hold most important - and do you think that other people should be allowed to have their own views on 'truth'?

when a child asks its Mother 'who is my Father?' does it have to mean 'which DNA sequence went halfsies on my bone structure'?

do you actually think 8 year old children mean that, or do they mean something else?

my own view - particularly when faced with the kind of issues explored in this thread - is that 'daddy' is far more important than DNA, and that when a child really becomes old enough to ask the genetic question it will probably be old enough to hear the answer and understand the difference between genetic contribution and the bloke who nurtured and loved them throughout their childhood.

Fittle

OS119 wrote: »

had you read - and/or understood it you'd know that this was a hypothetical reply to MV's assertion that the current situation was the worst possible result.

it was not 'this is how it stands', it was 'this is how it may well stand if you follow though with this stupid idea'.

if you'd read it you'd know that - nice to see you taking so much care and thought over a subject that could have the most dramatic and far reaching consequences for four people, one of them a child.

I read it. And I understood it perfectly well.

MV was saying that in this situation, the child growing up with a man he believed to be his father, was the worst possible scenario for the child. In this situation.

Your hypothetical scenario is based on no information at all here - the OP's issue is really that he doesn't even know if he's this childs father.

Your hypothetical scenario paints a very negative picture. Why?

Why are you taking this story so personally? The OP needs to get a dna test, bottom line. THEN other posters could give him advice on what he should/shouldn't do, in the best interests of the child.

Until then, hypothetical scenarios like yours fuel the fire of what is the 'stereo-typical' single mother living on welfare, for both mother and child.

Ever thought the single mother might actually have a job, own her own home, work full time, get her child into the best school possible and lead quite a nice life

kjl

OK OS, we get it, you were adopted and you loved your father despite the fact the he was not your real father. If you can't see that this situation is radically different then you should just stop commenting on this altogether.

Also lets all assume that the online paternity test is legit, as the OP said he sent the samples away to be analysed, I'm sure he didn't get some home chemistry set to do the analysis. I would imagine such a test would have more false negatives than positives.

The OP needs to decided now what they want to do with this information, if they want to be a part of the baby's life then he should confront the mother with the information he has found. If not, he should leave it, but will the OP be able to handle the guilt of knowing there is a child out there who belongs to him that he has not made any effort to get to know.

metrovelvet

OS119 wrote: »

no, adopted at birth. thank fcuk.

i'm puzzled by your obsession with 'the truth' - which 'truth' do you hold most important - and do you think that other people should be allowed to have their own views on 'truth'?

when a child asks its Mother 'who is my Father?' does it have to mean 'which DNA sequence went halfsies on my bone structure'?

do you actually think 8 year old children mean that, or do they mean something else?

my own view - particularly when faced with the kind of issues explored in this thread - is that 'daddy' is far more important than DNA, and that when a child really becomes old enough to ask the genetic question it will probably be old enough to hear the answer and understand the difference between genetic contribution and the bloke who nurtured and loved them throughout their childhood.

Exactly. You were adopted and I assume your parents were honest with you about this.

Secrets have a funny way of coming out.

Believe me you have my full sympathies around the debate around fatherhood and whether it is biological or behavioral. It takes more than dna to raise a child, you are absolutely right.

However, to be lied to your whole life whether through deliberate masquerading by a set of parents or through being mistaken [we dont know yet in the OPs case] is an entirely different kettle of fish.

OS119

metrovelvet wrote: »

...However, to be lied to your whole life whether through deliberate masquerading by a set of parents or through being mistaken [we dont know yet in the OPs case] is an entirely different kettle of fish.

depends what you mean by 'lied to'...

as you say there are different defintions of 'father' - so its very much a personal decision based both on the individuals veiws of what 'fatherhood' means as well as their understanding of what the child is emotionally/intellectually capable of dealing with that provide the answer to 'who is my father?'.

a child of 6 might well get a different answer to a child of 16, because not only are they probably asking different questions, but they are able to digest information in different ways: a 6 year old asking 'who is my daddy?' is, i would suggest, asking a different question to the 16 yo asking 'what is my genetic provenance?'.

metrovelvet

OS119 wrote: »

depends what you mean by 'lied to'...

as you say there are different defintions of 'father' - so its very much a personal decision based both on the individuals veiws of what 'fatherhood' means as well as their understanding of what the child is emotionally/intellectually capable of dealing with that provide the answer to 'who is my father?'.

a child of 6 might well get a different answer to a child of 16, because not only are they probably asking different questions, but they are able to digest information in different ways: a 6 year old asking 'who is my daddy?' is, i would suggest, asking a different question to the 16 yo asking 'what is my genetic provenance?'.

I never said the definition of father was a 'personal decision.' I said you have my sympathies around the debate, for sure. Being a father is one thing, being a parent is another.

I get asked this question myself by my son. The fact that he does not have a male raising him, you want me to say 'no one is your father?'. If you go by a behavior definition that is the answer. If you look at his birthcert, that is the answer. But I dont choose that answer, I stick to the facts. I dont muck about with them. That is gambling with identity, psychology, everything. And it's not right. We have to disagree there.

When they all find out, including the child that OP knew all along and kept quiet what then? That's the kind of thing that leads to murder.

Scambuster

You are the father. Tell her you think you might be and would like a paternity test. Yes you will pay maintenance but at least you will be a part in your childs life.

Silverfish

OS119 and metrovelvet, if you wish to have a discussion please take it to pm.

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

And I do not mean a big reply addressing another poster, with one line directed at the OP at the end.

Thanks.

goose2005

OS119 wrote: »

OP, you could, of course, think about whats in the childs best interests.

remember, the thing that Parents are supposed to do?

Curious, isn't it, that whenever the phrase "the child's best interests" is used, it invariably coincides with "the mother's best interests"?

if the child - who'se best interests you have at heart - is being brought up in a loving, supportive family where it has both its material and emotional needs met by people who want to do that, i'd question whether it was in the childs best interests for you to put that at risk.

He had no rights and no choice in how the child was raised. Moreover, the kid is only 10 months old so it hardly has an exclusive bond with his/her supposed father.

you don't have any money, you aren't in love with the childs mother, you haven't actually mentioned your feelings for the child - just a vague idea of what you 'ought' to do as the genetic father of the child - yet by persuing this you may well break up a functioning familiy unit and have a significantly detrimental effect on the childs welfare.

So being "in love with the childs mother" is a prerequsiite to being a father? Nice to know that. And the reason he has no real feelings towards the child is that he hasn't been allowed to have them - you know, because the mother basically abducted the child?

it would be nice if you could gaurentee that if you were to prove that you're the father (or even push hard for a proper DNA test) the existing arrangement would continue with you taking a Father role as well and that all would be well - however you can't, and almost every other possible outcome is worse for the child than the current arrangement.

added to which, DNA tests done over the internet have about the same accuracy as throwing a stick into the air to determine next weeks lotto numbers.

Yes, which is why the mother should have had a proper DNA test after birth instead of being a cruel, selfish bitch. If a woman suspects that more than one man could be the father of her child, and she does not get a paternity test, she should be imprisoned and lose custody of the child.

time to man up to your parental responsibilities and pay bit less attention to your ego.

YOUR EGO? If you were poor, and a rich couple abducted your child - thereby giving it a much better life - seeking it back would be ego?

Toots

OP, a friend of my husband's went his whole life thinking the man who was his dad was actually his biological father. He discovered, at age 20, that his mum had only met his Dad while she was pregnant with him and his bio dad had basically legged it when his mum found out she was pregnant.

I can honestly say it really messed him up, it was like he was a different person after he found out, and it's only now (5 yrs later) that their relationship is going back to normal, or as normal as it'll ever be. The thing is, he doesn't mind that the guy who raised him isn't his biological father, he was just so devastated that the two people he should have been able to trust most in the world had lied to him his whole life, and he'll probably never forgive them for it, even though they 'just had his best interests at heart'.

I think regardless of who raises a child, the child has a right to know who their 'parents' are, and as another poster pointed out, it may be necessary to know who her parents are for medical reasons in case something ever arises down the line. Also, you have a right to know if you have a child, although you'll also need to face the consequences that come with that. And this new boyfriend of hers has a right to know if he's raising another guy's kid. Honestly with the time discrepancies, I'm surprised he hasn't questioned it (although maybe he has, just not aloud).

I have to say though, the DNA test was a bad move, if you admit to the mother that you did this, then in all likelihood it will have a very negative impact on your relationship. I'd keep quiet about that if I were you. My advice would be to meet with her one to one, and explain (calmly and rationally) that you think that you are the father and would like to have a DNA test conducted. The best thing would be for you to offer to pay for it, she'll probably be more likely to consent (I'm not saying it's right or wrong or fair or unfair, it'd probably be the easiest thing though). If she's got nothing to hide, then she shouldn't be worried about the test.

cafecolour

OP are you sure you don't still have feelings for the mother, and are possibly using this as a leeway to try in get back in a relationship with her (and/or spend more time with her?). If you talked to the mother, got visitation/shared custody or the like, would that maintain if the interest in her disappeared and you were in a relationship with someone else?

Bottle_of_Smoke

The DNA test will go against you but without it she won't take a test. She's probably convinced herself the new guy is the father and will resist viciously to getting it confirmed

Your other big problem - can you be sure the test you bought is accurate? I'm sure some online tests are but this could be a huge let down for you if it isn't. The dates only show when she got pregnant- she could have been cheating on you.

You deserve to know though. I'd start by having a serious chat with her about an explanation for the dates, did she sleep with him whilst in a relationship with you etc - tell her you want a DNA test. Say it is in the child's best interests(which IMHO it is) and give her some time. If she still refuses, talk to a lawyer.

Do not mention that test under any circumstances before talking to the lawyer

Bottle_of_Smoke

Actuallly having thought about this some more I think you should go straight to a solicitor before sayign a word. She might leave the country or something if she gets freaked out over it

Nasty_Girl

goose2005 wrote: »

And the reason he has no real feelings towards the child is that he hasn't been allowed to have them - you know, because the mother basically abducted the child?

He has enough access to the child to be able to get a DNA sample from him with no one looking.

OP if the mother trusts you like that then there is obviously a friendship, is she really crazy enough to wave the baby under your nose, leave you alone with it and see you enough for you to have planned this DNA snatch to not tell you if she thought for a minute the baby was yours?

Have a proper conversation with her, tell her you have to know, if she is sure that her new boyfriend is the dad then the proper DNA test will ease your mind and you won't bring it up again. Assure her that her new boyfriend doesn't need to know about it (although has been suggested he must know there's a possibility if you're absolutely sure on your dates and the baby wasn't early etc).

Maybe she was cheating on you with him and doesn't want to tell you - in a subtle way tell her you won't be angry with her if that's the case (even if you are a bit)

fungun

How people can comment on the 'child's best interest' without any details is kind of beyond me. And as pointed out children can grow up successfully with one or two parents, together or separated.

OP has asked what he should do.
If you were in a reln with her as the time of conception its inconceivable (ba-dum tish) that this point has not been recognised and discussed by the couple. Raising the fact that you might be the father is reasonable if you wish to do so.

You need to balance up the paths in front of you and make a decision for you, including in this your potential paternal feelings for the child. A lot depends n your personality and what you are like as a person. Could you put up some money now? Are you prepared to contribute emotionally to looking after the child? Are you prepared to share the rearing of the child? How would you feel if she knew but wanted the child to grow up thinking of the other guy as Dad? How do you feel about your child not recognising you as their Dad - e.g. how would you feel if he scores a goal in a match in 10 years time and runs to his (other) Dad? How do you think you will you feel if you have no other kids?

Lots of things to ponder. Personally Id talk to her about it with the suggestion that you might be the Dad and see her response. She may well know but be afraid of the consequences....but in your position Id certainly prefer to get the facts on the table and deal with it rather than always having it hang over me.

gossipgal08

Is there any chance
A she cheated on you
B the baby was early?

How long after the baby was born did she bring it home from Hosp. There is a post in Parenting on the rights of single fathers written by a guy called KlingonHamlet who could point you in the direction of advice groups. My advice would be to talk to the mother calmly and explain that you think the child is yours and could you have a DNA test. Do not mention the one you took. Women seem to be able to get court ordered DNA tests so it can be done. Getting angry will get you no where. You will have to spend the rest of your life dealing with this women if you are the father. Try to remember that

LittleBook

There's no need to mention the paternity test again.

OP, if you're seriously considering taking this further, contact Treoir, they can guide you towards establishing paternity correctly if that's what you want.

It's not rocket science ... considering the circumstances, it's not unreasonable to think the baby was conceived while you were together so from your point of view it's possible and from her partners point of view it's possible ... unless he's completely thick or she told him she was single back then.

If the mother refuses, you will have to go through the courts.

Where a person refuses to undergo testing, the court can reach whatever conclusions it thinks proper in the circumstances of the particular case. For instance, if an alleged father refuses to undergo testing, the court might take the view that he was afraid the test would show that he was in fact the father. If it is the mother who refuses the court may take the view that she is afraid that the test would show that the man is not the father.

dilallio

babyDaddy wrote: »

Not really sure if how this is relevant to the topic at hand, but I did it when she left the room to go to the toilet, it only take 3 seconds. I'm not some freak, we have known each other for about 5 years now, so she does trust me.

OP - If it only took 3 seconds, did you wear disposable gloves and any other protective clothing to ensure that no cross-contamination could occur?
It is highly possible that your handling of the swab which you used on the baby, could be contaminated by skin oils / skinflakes / hairs / etc. from yourself. This would be more than enough to give a false positive reading.

I would not make any definite decisions based on this test alone.

tatabubbly

Ok, maybe this might sound silly but if he askes for a DNA test, and it comes back with a positive result, is it such a bad thing that the child will have 2 dad role models??

They could both love the child, no matter what the genetic make up of the child is.

I hope you realise OP that college doesn't last forever, you will get a job and in the mean time whatever money you can contribute should be given as a positive thing. So i hope everything works out for the best.

AnonoBoy

If the dates aren't right then how does the other guy think that he's the father of the child?

He can't be that stupid can he?

Wibbs

AnonoBoy wrote: »

If the dates aren't right then how does the other guy think that he's the father of the child?

He can't be that stupid can he?

Some people are, but if the dates aren't right and he's not stupid, then only two possibilities remain that I can see; premature baby(which would be obvious to all concerned) or she was with this current guy while she was still with you(maybe even told him you werent together/already broken up), hence he reckons the kid is his. If this is the case, then thats another thing to be thinking about.

If it was me I'd be asking myself what I really wanted from this. But mostly I'd be thinking of the child. If she does agree to a DNA test(and good luck with that) and it turns out the child is yours, pigeons insert cat. If you tell her you've already checked she will naturally go ape. Her current guy may well leave her and the child with this info. Then you'll have to actually engage with the child, both emotionally and financially. It's a really bloody tough decision. This stuff has a habit of coming out down the line. If the current guy and the child find out in 10 years time the result may be even more explosive.

tatabubbly's scenario would be the best case if it was possible, but only you know what your ex is like and what her new guy is like. Yu would all have to get over the implications of this(paternity, possible overlapping cheating, financial and emotional responsibilities etc).

TBH if it was me I'd probably insist on the DNA test. If she refused(which I strongly suspect she will), then I'd walk away and not look back. Im pretty cold that way though.

Moomoo1

OP, have you actually tried talking about this with your ex? Seems a reasonable enough question: the baby could well have been conceived in May, so a great chance it was yours. See how she reacts to that and then proceed based on that.

It may be that she genuinely doesn't know, or it may be that she does (eg if she met the other guy much later). Her reaction will probably tell you which one it is. Now if her and the other guy met much later, then he must know that the kid isn't his, and you can probably come to some sort of arrangement with them: at least you can ask them to explain their take on things. If not, if he thinks it's his, things could get much more tricky.

littlefriend

You might as well sort this out now as it is going to get more difficult as time goes on. Maybe she is too scared to say anything because she is so far into the lie.
Just get it out in the open, its better for everyone including her poor unfortunate current boyfriend. I don't know why ppl are worried about her being annoyed that you got a dna test? She is telling someone else your child is theirs..crazy.

What do you think saying nothing will achieve?

goose2005

tatabubbly wrote: »

Ok, maybe this might sound silly but if he askes for a DNA test, and it comes back with a positive result, is it such a bad thing that the child will have 2 dad role models??

They could both love the child, no matter what the genetic make up of the child is.

I hope you realise OP that college doesn't last forever, you will get a job and in the mean time whatever money you can contribute should be given as a positive thing. So i hope everything works out for the best.

If he doesn't get himself recognised as the father soon, she could move away and he'd never see the child. And it's odd that apparently biological paternity counts for very little in cases like this, but is all-important when it comes to paying maintenance.

jimmycrackcorm

babyDaddy wrote: »

So I was going out with this girl for about 3 years and broke up in May 2009. There is no doubt that I was a little upset about it, but I moved on.

So about 5 months later she tells me she has met someone new and that she is pregnant with his kid.

Did you perhaps assume she only met the new guy after she broke up with you?

Another poster suggested cross-contamination of the DNA sample and there's also a question about the accuracy anyway of internet kits.

You went out with the girl for three years and only then, almost exactly nine months after you broke up she gives birth, suggests an anomaly in your post.