Girlfriend with low self-esteem

LegacyUser

I am a lesbian, and have been in my current relationship for almost six months now. I would like to say things have been plain sailing and everything has been lovely. But sadly this is not the case...when things are good they are fantastic...but when things don't go my girlfriends way there is hell to pay and it is awful. I have recently come to the conclusion that a lot of our problems are caused by the fact that my girlfriend has self-esteem issues, and the arguments she causes over extremely trivial, and downright odd things are because of this.

I will give some examples just to build up a picture here. She has been away for a few weeks now on a business trip. We are in different time zones and agreed because we both have hectic schedules that we would chat online and on skype whenever we could. I personally would have liked to arrange this better, but she seemed happy with it so agreed. During her first week away we were actually quite lucky in that we got to chat to each other a lot. One night I went online and did not say hello to her immediately. I had just turned on the computer...my family were talking to me and a bunch of emails came in. That was the only reasons. However she went absolutly balistic at me. She said that she wasn't my priority...this proved this...when I said she was being unreasonable about it, she took it to mean I thought she was pathetic sitting around waiting for me, that I thought she was a sad F*ck etc. She was going to delete me from everything etc. and see me when she got back. I was really shocked.

Another night I had plans to see a band with my friends, and caught her online to chat for a bit before I left. I had mentioned I was going, I just didn't give her the specific details of what times etc. When I said I had to go that my friend was waiting and I'd already postponed by an hour cause we were chatting. She started saying I never tell her anything, I just do my own thing etc.

A third example of this behaviour happened again a few nights ago. I had plans to go to a party with my friend. I text my girlfriend who is still away to say I didn't think I could get online that evening, but I actually got home from work early and was able to chat to her. We chatted for four hours, and during that time I was very clear on the fact that I had plans, the times I had to leave for and what exactly I was doing. i was being carful not to make the previous mistakes of having just having to run and she getting upset. She had been upset and stressed over things and we spent the four hours talking about them. I tried to advise and give comfort....however when it came time for me to log off she got really * * * * * y and angry. She cut me off. Then sent me a text to say she wasn't coming back...deleted me from facebook etc. I was astonished though I don't know why at this stage. I ended up cancelling my plans staying up until three in the morning(despite the fact I had to get up early for a new job), she eventually re-added me on facebook, but I felt forced to say nice things to her so she would stop hurling abuse at me.

There are more examples of this type of behaviour, they are a sample. At first I thought she was trying to be controlling and I just didn't get it. But having chatted to a friend about things he suggested its a self esteem issue with her. Having done some research I think he may be right. I think she seems to interpret things like the me not saying hello first as something major because how she feels inside and can't believe I love her or something.

I know this is a long post...but has anyone come up against this before or have advice on how to proceed.

Elle Collins

I wouldn't be prepared to make those sort (or any sort) of excuses for a partner who treated me in such an unreasonable fashion OP.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, I think there is a little more than low self esteem at play there. Only speculating but her hysterical over-reaction to perceived rejection could indicate a bigger problem.

You shouldn't be putting off plans with your friends to try to reassure her. You will end up isolated and lose your confidence.

The problem lies with her. She needs help. She sounds so needy and fragile there is probably little you can do to reassure her.

You sound like you are desperately trying to look for answers here so you can 'fix' her. She may have a low self esteem but that is no excuse for her verbally abusing you and emotionally manipulating you.

She is the only one that can fix herself. Not you. You need to carry on with your life as normal, meet your friends and not be giving into her drama. She will drain you, be careful.

prinz

Don't mean to be blunt or blasé but I'd be walking away from that. Your OH sounds incapable of a mature relationship tbh. There definitely seems to be a lack of respect for you with your gf attempting to always be the 'one in control'. Ditch her.

Emme

If a partner treated me like your girlfriend treats you alarm bells would be ringing. Long distance relationships aren't easy but they're no reason for people to act like your girlfriend.

seamus

It's a control mechanism. Throw a strop and threaten to break up with you so that you'll spend time giving her attention and placating her in order to calm her down. She doesn't throw her strops because she's not getting what she wants, she throws them in order to get what she wants.

I imagine if you look at her relationships with family and friends, they are similarly interspered with moments of hysteria & tears, turned into a big dramatic saga over nothing. This is the way some people interact with the world.

Is it self-esteem? Possibly. I'm not a counsellor, so I don't know. And no-one else here is either. It could also just be complete and utter narcissism on her part, or perhaps loneliness and paranoia.

I too would be inclined to tell you to walk away, but that's easy to say when you're not the one in the relationship. I've seen people sucked in by an hysterical partner, used and abused and controlled and emotionally drained, but still finding themselves incapable of walking away.

The only advice I could give you is to recognise what she's doing, when she's doing it. When she throws a strop, yes she is actually upset, but you're not hurting her emotionally. She's accustomed to crying and wailing to get her way, and every time you respond to it - and subsequently swallow your pride - then you're letting her know that you too can be controlled in this manner.
When she's being unreasonable, stick to your guns and keep telling yourself in your head, "She's being unreasonable - so why am I the one who's meant to apologise?". If you've somewhere to be, go. If she threatens to delete you from whatever, then call her on it, let her do it and then go to the pub or party or whatever. You'll have a crap night and you'll be upset, but you're calling her bluff and taking control back for yourself.

As soon as she realises that you're not going to crawl back to her and apologise (for nothing), she'll be the one apologising.

Remember that if she didn't care about you, she wouldn't get so hysterical, so you're not going to lose her by refusing to give into her.

Beruthiel

aniceusername12 wrote: »

At first I thought she was trying to be controlling and I just didn't get it. But having chatted to a friend about things he suggested its a self esteem issue with her.

It could be one or both. What does it matter?
Either way, it's irrational behaviour and I'd tell her that.
I suggest you tell her that you care about her a lot but that no way in hell are you going to continue putting up with her sh!te and if she carries on like this it will be her own destructive fault for ruining your relationship.

Nevyn

Sounds more like princes mentality syndrome.
That she is good looking to a value of X and as a result should be treated like a princess.
Which frankly makes her an ugly sister on the inside where it counts.

If you love her I can see why you'd want to work things out and try build something with her but, she thinks she's a castle and you see her as a fix her upper, do you really want to put a year of hard work into a relationship with her if she's not pulling her weight or doesn't see the point of what you want?

neuro-praxis

It sounds like pure selfishness and manipulation to me. Get out.

LegacyUser

Hi guys it's the OP here. Thank you to everyone for your advice, I'm both suprised and comforted by it. It's reassured me that I'm not the one being selfish or unreasonable about this.

I can see the point that everyone has when they say leave...but I also feel like a part of me isn't ready to yet or something. Though in saying that I have spent the last couple of days avoiding being online to chat to her. I have sent her one or two mails, but no instant messaging or skype. She has sent me some facebook messages, and a few texts all which have become increasingly sweet and nice. She returns from her trip tomorrow and I genuinely don't know how to behave, or how I can be normal with her when I see her.

Ideally I would like to give talking to her about her behaviour a last shot before calling it a day. But I don't know how to approach this...as I'm guessing when I see her tomorrow it will be all nice and sweet stuff....so it would be hard to launch into esp after a long flight etc. Or should I just act normal...and when the next time something unreasonable comes up deal with it then?

Once again thank you so much to everyone who has read this and offered advice. I truely appreciate it.

Fox McCloud

Dont launch an attack when she gets off the plane, get home and cook her dinner or whatever. Then tell her you want to talk about what happened while she was away. Tell her her behaviour was unacceptable and immature and if she wants to to be in a grown up relationship she will have to deal with her emotions in a grown up way, not by taking it all out on you.

Be very clear that the next time it happens, you walk. THIS is the crucial bit, if it does happen again do walk. Other wise she will just assume she can do whatever she wants in the relationship and you will accept it. Get your resolve and tissues out, she will try to cry her way out and blame you. But you know noe that her trying to stop you seeing your friends is not on in any way.

BettePorter

OP there is a cheesey american saying, which is annoyingly quite true when you think about it.......' when someone shows you who they are....believe them the first time'......

From what i've read, you've only been going out 6 months.....so i'm thinking this isn't a case of your 'normally' reasonable girlfriend of many years suddenly becoming insecure and needy. This is obviously part of her make up and personality and perhaps its just become all the more apparent due to the recent use of e mails, skype etc. Words spoken are gone as soon as they are uttered. words written in texts emails etc are forever re read and analysed to death. Chances are you've just been given a real picture of the 'real' her.

Even if you have a word with her it won't change the fact that shes the type of person who throws her toys out of the pram until she gets her way and expects you to jump to attention when she wants.

From what you've described she comes across as a game player. What is she going to do ? de friend you on fb every time you have a row! Shes a drama queen. Now that you've shown that you will placate her every time she throws a hissy fit she will only get worse. Been there, done that !....my advice is to cut your losses while you still can. But from my experience , the irony is , the minute you do so, the tables will turn and your problem will be you won't be able to get rid of her ! In any event keep in mind ; when someone shows you who they are....believe them the first time'......

Chinafoot

From reading this thread OP, the only person's self-esteem that I would strongly question is yours.

By giving in and placating her when she becomes irrational and unreasonable you are simply enabling her behaviour. She knows that all she has to do to get what she wants is throw a strop and you'll wring her hands and fret over it and give her exactly what she wants. Why wouldn't she continue to act like this when you're letting her do it?

Even now you're panicked about what happens when she gets back. Why are allowing her to have so much control over how your relationship works? Is this the kind of relationship you're happy to have? I'm guessig not since you're posting here, but the fact of the matter is you're the one who needs to change this. Stand up for yourself ffs. You need to sit her down and tell her that under no circumstances will you accept that kind of behaviour and you need to mean it. If it was me I would have walked long ago, and I have to be honest, it sounds like you're making excuses for her so I don't think you have any plans to break up.

I hope you stand up for yourself because shes not going to change her behaviour when it has proven to be so effective.

Ickle Magoo

aniceusername12 wrote: »

Hi guys it's the OP here. Thank you to everyone for your advice, I'm both suprised and comforted by it. It's reassured me that I'm not the one being selfish or unreasonable about this.

I can see the point that everyone has when they say leave...but I also feel like a part of me isn't ready to yet or something. Though in saying that I have spent the last couple of days avoiding being online to chat to her. I have sent her one or two mails, but no instant messaging or skype. She has sent me some facebook messages, and a few texts all which have become increasingly sweet and nice. She returns from her trip tomorrow and I genuinely don't know how to behave, or how I can be normal with her when I see her.

Ideally I would like to give talking to her about her behaviour a last shot before calling it a day. But I don't know how to approach this...as I'm guessing when I see her tomorrow it will be all nice and sweet stuff....so it would be hard to launch into esp after a long flight etc. Or should I just act normal...and when the next time something unreasonable comes up deal with it then?

Once again thank you so much to everyone who has read this and offered advice. I truely appreciate it.

Why not say that you need to discuss the way she behaves and could she contact you as soon as she's not jet lagged and settled in and leave the ball in her court.

You need to ensure she knows what your expectations are and what your boundaries are and that she has to respect them or there will be consequences. An adult throwing a tantrum is no different to a toddler, ignore the behaviour and give them what they want and they learn to use that behaviour to control those around them. Ignore the behaviour or ensure there is consequences and they find better ways of dealing with things ie discussion, negotiation, etc.

If you nothing and allow your girlfriend to throw a wobbly whenever she doesn't get her own way then you are making a rod for your own back. Let her know just how unattractive you find it and how much jeopardy she is puting your relationship in and if she continues then you must follow through with consequences for the sake of your own self esteem if nothing else.

All the best

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP here again. Thanks for all the responses. Well when she got home on tuesday I met her at her place. She was super excited to see me, but I wasn't feeling it as I was still very upset about all the stuff mentioned in this thread. I hugged her and all that but she could see that my heart wasn't in it. I hadn't wanted to launch straight into it as soon as she got back but we ended up discussing things.

We sat down and I told her the way she had behaved was very threatening and menacing and not the way that I would expect someone that loves me to treat me. That it made me scared that she had such a nasty side. She was calm, and didn't seem exactly suprised by things. We then talked about breaking up, and I told her honestly that I had spent my weekend thinking about if that is what I wanted to do. She was very taken aback by it. I told her that I didn't want to break up, but if she was to behave like that with me again then I couldn't see how I could stay in the relationship. She apologised for how she had been behaving, and explained her actions though didn't try to excuse them. She also said that she was ashamed of the way she had made me feel and that the relationship was the most important thingin her life and she didn't want to **** it up.

So we have decided to stay together. I havehowever learned to just walk away and not get caught up fretting over things. Hopefully there will not be anymore situations such as the ones I've described. I will give things a last go and see how we go. Thank you very much for all the kind words and advice that has been offered to me here.