Unbelievably Shallow Friend

LegacyUser

I moved school for my final year and I made new friends with a group of girls who I get along very well with. One girl out of the group I made better friends with that the rest. We text all the time, hangout all the time (with the group) and just were really close.

She a really loud, popular, slightly rude girl and is usually the centre of attention at any get-together. When she is around everyone is happy but when she is not around her noticeably missing from the group if you get me...

Now we live together in college so we see each other all day every day nearly.

She has unbelievable high standards when it comes to other lads, and I’m not particularly good looking lad and I know it.

This is the problem...
She always talks of this fear of people thinking were going out. Were always seen together. She always text's me to hang out with her but when its jus the two of us alone she does things like text one of her friends (who might be nearby) to come back so were not seen together (and give the impression of us going out)

when were walking along some where she might say under her breath "oh my god i can believe i'm seen with you again how will i ever get a boyfriend" and "will you walk on that side of the street just, so, ya know..!"

when anyone assumes were in a relationship (which is quite often) she pulls some awful face's and does her best to deny it. Even tonight we were in town and she was explaining to her friend why she was still single even though she thought i was out of earshot.. "cos i keep hanging round with this fella no wonder im single"
and at one stage we were alone at the bar and their was a break in conversation, next thing she texting away, (i had a feeling it was to retrieve another friend who had earlier left) eventually the friend came back and she went loudly "bout time"

at first i didnt notice that she was somewhat being serious when she said things like that, but the more i know her the more i can see it and the more i'm beginning to notice

what makes it worse is i fancy the arse of her, and ive done so for months. i can almost say so myself that im whipped. i do lots of things for her, help her with homework, cook meals for two, help her carry her bags etcm and im happy doing them but i think its only really because i like her. its really hitting me now that shes fairly ungrateful for it

im stuck in a really bad situation... shes not as bad as im making her out to be in fairness but this one aspect is really nasty. i dont want to lose her as a friend because i dont have many (nearly any) close friends. and she's also really a connection to many of my other friends. since i like her so much i almost cant help doing nice things for her but some day shes going to get a proper boyfriend and i dont know where thats going to leave me. That makes it even harder to take when I hear her treating me like this

Any help?

Denerick

Any help? She seems and probably is an intrinsically bad person. I don't understand why you would subject yourself to such daily humiliation. Blow her out.

You're being a complete dogsbody mate. get the hell out of there.

sam34

why are you allowing someone to constantly put you down like this?

she is eroding your self-esteem

all she is doing is using you for company, the cooking meals etc. at a time when she is single, she is delighted at the ego boost she gets form having someone around who fancies her, even if dhe doesnt fancy you back

rest assured that when she meets a man who she deems is up to her standards she will drop you like a hot potato... until such time as he dumps her, then she'll run back to you for a shoulder to cry on

Ickle Magoo

You need to set out your boundaries and start imposing consequences for her behaviour or drop her as a friend altogether. You are facilitating her behaviour by not objecting to it.

Next time she says something about being embarrassed to be with you, tell her it will be an issue no longer and leave. If she asks you to go somewhere with her again, state categorically that you won't thanks all the same because you are going out with someone who doesn't mind spending time in your company or what anyone else thinks of that.

Don't help her out or cook meals unless the relationship becomes more equal - at the moment it sounds like you are her ego-stroking lackey; which is a crazy situation to willingly be in. Get yourself to a new club or sports team or hobby, even a boards beers and make some new friends asap - and it might be worth investigating why you are sexually attracted to someone who thinks you are beneath them and puts you down all the time.

All the best

LutherBlissett

I was in a similar situation to yourself recently, but have taken steps to remedy it.

Basically, I was initially used by this person for help with work, which they would take and then sever all contact for a couple of weeks until it was needed again. No reciprocal help or friendship whatsoever.

On nights out, they would try everyone else before asking me to go out - I was essentially treated as their last resort. When in the pub or club or whatever, they would use me as a launchpad of sorts, and eventually drop me having surrounded themselves with members of the opposite sex.

I distanced myself from this person, and you know what? I don't regret it one bit. A person that treats you are something less than your intrinsic worth and sees you as a means to an end is really not worth your time. In the long run, you're doing yourself a massive favour by breaking ties. People with a tendency to selfish, attention seeking behaviour tend to be the ones with the problem, not those they treat badly along the way. It's important not to let their problems engender problems for you.

tinkerbell

OP - this girl is using you. She is not your friend if she is embarrassed to be seen with you, and not only that she treats you like dirt! Telling you to walk on the other side of the road etc because she fears people might think she's dating you, she's completely full of her own importance. She is so immature if she thinks that just because she's seen with you that people will think they are dating.

Also, you need to stop acting like such a doormat. Cooking for her, helping her out etc when she treats you like dirt on her shoe is just making her think that her rotten behaviour is acceptable.

Next time she says some nasty comment do as Ickle Magoo said and tell her that it won't be a problem any longer as you don't want to be around someone as self-centered and self-absorbed as she is.

And you know something? She could be harming your chances of having more friends. You say you don't have many other friends so are reluctant to ditch her but people could be viewing you as being some sort of sap by continuing to be her friend when she treats you so bad and may want to have a friend with a bit of backbone. Just saying, it might not be like that but it could very well be.

Jenneke87

You sound like a really nice and sound guy. She should be lucky to have you, not be embarrased about you. Cut her out of your life, she's no good, and find someone that does appreciate you, whether as a friend or as a partner. Goodbye to bad rubbish...

cafecolour

Honestly? Move out, cut her out of your life so you can get over her, and find new friends.

And next time you fancy a girl, make a move and ask her out, instead of trying to become friends.

TheresaT

Hi OP, it does sound like your friend is taking you for granted. All of the above advice sounds really good.
One thing I wanted to add: Although she is being insensitive by saying she's worried that people will think you're a couple, don't assume that she means it as an insult or that it's a comment on your looks.
She might just view you as a friend and thinks that guys will be reluctant to chat her up because you're with her.
This doesn't make it any less hurtful for you, especially since you have feelings for her, but don't start questioning your attractiveness because of stupid comments that she makes.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

IrishEyes19

Call her out on it, next time she does that. Its horrible to be honest. In fact Id be quick to say, "well if it makes you uncomfortable to be around me since you worry what people think. Maybe we shouldn't hang out like this anymore."

test her reaction like!! Its seems pretty lousy the way she is acting.

krudler

Any help?

Grow a pair of balls and tell her to fcuk off, anyone that openly insults you like that isnt worth being around

Colonel_McCoy

She is tocxic, ditch the b*t*h

IamtheWalrus

When you ditch this girl you are going to look back and wonder how silly you have been. I was in a similar situation.

Nevyn

krudler & Colonel_McCoy Civil and helpful posts are expected on this forum.
If you can not manage to post in a manner in keeping wiht the ethos and tone of the forum don't bother posting.

nimrodsson

While her behaviour is not very nice at all, i don't see anything there that suggests that has anything to do with the way you look (i think thats the problem, that is, you think she is embarrassed to be seen with you because you perceive yourself as unattractive). She sounds like she's desperate for a boyfriend, and because you always hang out, people will think you are together, and hence guys, that to her might be potential boyfriends, will not bother.... From the stuff you quoted, it sounds like she would do this even if her male best friend was boy band material. Now that in itself is not nice - but from what you've said, i don't think its anything to do with the way you look. It does sound like she is desperate and pitifully immature though. I think you are taking her behaviour as comment on your attractiveness, which i don't think it is, i think it just about her being an idiot in general....

Reesy

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Call her out on it, next time she does that. Its horrible to be honest. In fact Id be quick to say, "well if it makes you uncomfortable to be around me since you worry what people think. Maybe we shouldn't hang out like this anymore."

test her reaction like!! Its seems pretty lousy the way she is acting.

I was going to write '+1' but I think a better way would be to hold her to account for her behaviour. Immediately after the next time she denies being in a relationship with you, ask her 'how do you think that makes me feel?'. Ask her to apologise. I guess she won't so then explain that you have higher standards than that. It's her last chance to redeem herself. Be ready for the breakup. Make a list of things that you'll be busy doing instead of serving her, so you are ready.

Big Bag of Chips

Reesy wrote: »

Immediately after the next time she denies being in a relationship with you, ask her 'how do you think that makes me feel?'. Ask her to apologise.

But he's not in a relationship with her, so him saying "how do you think that makes me feel" will make him look desperate and clingy - and she definitely won't aplogise for it!

OP - She knows you fancy her - make no mistake about that, and is using it to her full advantage. She is not a nice person. But you are both still very young and finding your way in life. You are (both) only learning!

My guess on how this will pan out..
-she will flounce around, thinking everyone loves her
-you will follow around like an eejit for a while putting up with ridiculous rubbish from her, just because you are too young to realise you don't have to.
-she will get a boyfriend somewhere down the line
-she will drop you and not look back (until the boyfriend gets tired of her.. when she will be back to you looking for someone to makes her meals again)

But, in the meantime, you will have met other friends (who may well be staying away because of your loud, obnoxious, insulting, immature "friend"!) and realise that friendship isn't what you have with this girl.

LegacyUser

ok thanks for all the replies its definitely give me a bit to think about

couple of points. after reading my own post, i think ive made her out into a very bad light. she's not a complete demon. she is usually nice enough and she is a lively person and we do have a laugh together. im normally shy and she is fairly lively person so it is good crac to hang around with and mess and chat ect.

-Blow her out. get the hell out of there.
-Cut her out of your life, she's no good,
-cut her out of your life so you can get over her.
-She is tocxic, ditch the b*t*h

i dont think il just be able to just stop being friends with her. imagine if you had to stop being friends with your boyfriend/girlfriend/close-friend/sibling. its a lot easier said than done. also i dont want to stop being friend with her as i said above she can be nice too sometimes i just didnt explain properly

However i do agree with some other stuff

-why are you allowing someone to constantly put you down like this?
-You need to set out your boundaries and start imposing consequences for her behaviour or drop her as a friend altogether. You are facilitating her behaviour by not objecting to it.
-you need to stop acting like such a doormat
-Call her out on it, next time she does that.
-hold her to account for her behaviour.
-Grow a pair of balls and tell her to fcuk off

i dont plan to break up with her, but i think from now on im going to pull her up on what she's doing. tell her to **** off when she needs to be told, stop letting her insult me and use me stop acting like such a lapdog. start treating her like she treats me and see what happens then. Then it can be her decision whether im worth keeping around or not and il be happy either way.

i actually think now this is as much my own fault as it is hers because i think i attract that kind of attention from people. i have a group of boy-friends from school and now come to think of it they treated me similarly. there was constant sneering within the group and even though i gave some, i took a lot without retorting. and probably because im the smallest, shyest, most confidence-less lad in the group

Actually most people i think of now that i know well act somewhat like that towards me. so im going to start standing up for myself and become a bit more out going.

Phew.. Sorry for my all my personal ranting but its made me come to realise. thanks for the help.

ziedth

Hi OP,

I'm amazed nobody has picked up on this but does she really tell you to walk on the opposite side of the street?

I'd start looking for a new place to live and go on as normal till the next time she pulls something like this and with as little drama as possible tell her where to go and leave.

It will hurt because you fancy her but your self esteem will jump up 20 points.

Good luck.

Kimia

feckin_women wrote: »

ok thanks for all the replies its definitely give me a bit to think about

couple of points. after reading my own post, i think ive made her out into a very bad light. she's not a complete demon. she is usually nice enough and she is a lively person and we do have a laugh together. im normally shy and she is fairly lively person so it is good crac to hang around with and mess and chat ect.



i dont think il just be able to just stop being friends with her. imagine if you had to stop being friends with your boyfriend/girlfriend/close-friend/sibling. its a lot easier said than done. also i dont want to stop being friend with her as i said above she can be nice too sometimes i just didnt explain properly

However i do agree with some other stuff



i dont plan to break up with her, but i think from now on im going to pull her up on what she's doing. tell her to **** off when she needs to be told, stop letting her insult me and use me stop acting like such a lapdog. start treating her like she treats me and see what happens then. Then it can be her decision whether im worth keeping around or not and il be happy either way.

i actually think now this is as much my own fault as it is hers because i think i attract that kind of attention from people. i have a group of boy-friends from school and now come to think of it they treated me similarly. there was constant sneering within the group and even though i gave some, i took a lot without retorting. and probably because im the smallest, shyest, most confidence-less lad in the group

Actually most people i think of now that i know well act somewhat like that towards me. so im going to start standing up for myself and become a bit more out going.

Phew.. Sorry for my all my personal ranting but its made me come to realise. thanks for the help.

I'm not going to repeat what the others have said but the above bold part stood out for me - how sad OP. That you think so little of yourself.

Forget about her, forget about what she does, all that nonsense. You need to examine why in the world you feel so worthless that you would put all the power of your self-worth and confidence in someone else's hands, and let them treat you so horrendously. It's very sad and you will never be happy if you continue this way.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you are still very young and I can only hope as you grow and mature you will find more confidence. Why would you "be happy, either way" if she tells you to p*ss off? If it doesn't bother you then YOU should be the one to decide to walk away from her.

But I think the reality would be that you would be devastated by it and probably disappear so as not to have to face her again.

You will be treated how you allow yourself to be treated. So stand up to her. If she values you as a friend she will mend her ways. If, as I suspect, she's only using you to bump up her list of "friends" then she'll walk away because she doesn't "need the drama". Not saying you would be causing a drama but that would be her spin on it.

I know you have a laugh and enjoy her company (sometimes) but unless she changes how she deals with people she will find those around her growing up and leaving her behind.

You sound like a nice fella...

SparkyTech

Hi OP,

It does sound as if this girl is increadably shallow and has the blinkers on her. She's treating you very disrespectfuly and it sounds as if you are only there to fufill her needs, she has no consideration of your own. Friendship shouldn't be about feeling guilty or embarassed around the other person, and it certainly shouldnn't be about one person taking the other for granted and putting them down.

You have two options here: Either stand up to her and tell her in a frank manner thaqt you will not accept this kind of behaviour from her but you do enjoy her company and are willing to be friends only if she takes this on board, or you can cut her out of your life compleatly and find a new circle of friends.

Best of luck