So disappointed in friends

LegacyUser

So I'm in an awkward position right now. Basically, a good friend of mine recently got married to a guy she'd been with for 4 years. I don't know him that well as he's pretty quiet, but he seems like a really good guy, he makes an effort with all her friends and I get on with him and like him a lot. So last week I had a house party with over 20 people, it got very rowdy and loud, lots of fun etc etc, I went to bed exhausted at 3am and left my newlywed friend talking to another (single) male friend of mine in the living room. Thought nothing of it. Until the next day, when everyone but the newlywed had got home, and she confessed that something happened between her and my male friend! They ended up kissing and she gave him a handjob. I hit the roof on hearing this - I honestly wouldn't have expected this from either of them. Call me naive but I'm really shocked and disappointed. I can't even fathom how my friend could have cheated on her husband like this. She begged me not to say anything and I don't plan to, but now I feel sh*t as well, as I'm going to have to see this guy and pretend everything is fine. I really like him and I can't stand being deceitful. What a mess! What do I do?

franklyon

Stay out of it, it's none of your business really. Yes she should know better but it's not your place to say anything.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

It's none of your business, simply put.

Logical Fallacy

franklyon wrote: »

Stay out of it, it's none of your business really. Yes she should know better but it's not your place to say anything.

Gwendolyn Scrawny Registration wrote: »

It's none of your business, simply put.

I kind of disagree with this stance, her friend made it her business by telling her and expecting her to buddy up on it.

OP, talk to your friend, tell her you ain't happy about it and see what she plans on doing herself.

weatherguy

It is your business.
The act happened in your house.
Your friend told you what happened
You can't just say it is none of mybusiness.
I would tell her off and just forget about it.
No point in you telling her new husband.
She is very stupid and flaky if she is only married a short while and she is playing around with another guy.
You are not naive. This happens a lot.
But the main point for you is to let your friend know how you feel, but assure her you won't say any more about it.

SparkyTech

Unregistered wrote: »

So I'm in an awkward position right now. Basically, a good friend of mine recently got married to a guy she'd been with for 4 years. I don't know him that well as he's pretty quiet, but he seems like a really good guy, he makes an effort with all her friends and I get on with him and like him a lot. So last week I had a house party with over 20 people, it got very rowdy and loud, lots of fun etc etc, I went to bed exhausted at 3am and left my newlywed friend talking to another (single) male friend of mine in the living room. Thought nothing of it. Until the next day, when everyone but the newlywed had got home, and she confessed that something happened between her and my male friend! They ended up kissing and she gave him a handjob. I hit the roof on hearing this - I honestly wouldn't have expected this from either of them. Call me naive but I'm really shocked and disappointed. I can't even fathom how my friend could have cheated on her husband like this. She begged me not to say anything and I don't plan to, but now I feel sh*t as well, as I'm going to have to see this guy and pretend everything is fine. I really like him and I can't stand being deceitful. What a mess! What do I do?

Tell her politely and calmly you don't approve of her actions. Don't break her confidence but at the same time impress on her that she should come clean to her husband. Its up to her to take responsibility for her actions.

greengiant09

you're completely correct in feeling disappointed with your friend. this sort of behaviour is very poor on her part. it really does make her look slutty. if the guy she was with is friends with her husband than he is a pr*ck as well.

that fact that you feel so bad shows that you're a decent person with good morals. i think you should have a talk with her and be completely honest. tell her exactly how you feel.

she should come clean with her husband....but that's up to her to do. i got a feeling she won't. it's certainly not a good omen for their relationship if this is the way she's carrying on after just getting married.

i wouldn't be surprised if her husband finds out somehow. there's already at least 3 people who know and people like to talk even when they say they won't!

kjl

Another mid week drama brought to you by Budweiser.

Look, I may not be the most committed person myself, but what kind of idiot is your friend. You need to tell her to shape up and confess this discrepancy to her husband. That is not on at all for a newlywed, and then to involve you in it, I don't blame you being upset.

Obviously don't tell her husband, but you need to be firm with her and tell her that she is making a mockery of her marriage.

What a little slut, not just a kiss, but kissing, and not just kissing but a hand job too.

As for your male friend, tell him to stay away from your friends who are married or he will soon lose you as a friend. But when you say you like him, do you mean you like like him? Could that be the reason this is affecting you so much?

you ask at the end of your post "what do i do?", the truth is you shouldn,t do anything because its someone elses relationship problem not yours. However, you are 100% entitled to feel annoyed and angry, this behaviour happened in your house, and you feel very sorry that the girls' husband was treated like that. You are not naive - that behaviour is totally unacceptable.

discus

kjl wrote: »

Another mid week drama brought to you by Budweiser.

Look, I may not be the most committed person myself, but what kind of idiot is your friend. You need to tell her to shape up and confess this discrepancy to her husband. That is not on at all for a newlywed, and then to involve you in it, I don't blame you being upset.

Obviously don't tell her husband, but you need to be firm with her and tell her that she is making a mockery of her marriage.

What a little slut, not just a kiss, but kissing, and not just kissing but a hand job too.

As for your male friend, tell him to stay away from your friends who are married or he will soon lose you as a friend. But when you say you like him, do you mean you like like him? Could that be the reason this is affecting you so much?

tl;dr Tell her she's a stupid ****ing slut who is now in a sham marraige, and tell that bloke that if he gets a hiding for this, he deserves it.

neveah

If I was you I would stay out of it. Of course you are shocked and disappointed that this happened but it really has nothing to do with you. This is your friends problem. Nobody but your friend knows what's really going on in her relationship with her husband, maybe there are deeper underlying issues that made her act the way she did that you don't know about. No situation is ever black and white. I wouldn't force your friend to tell her husband about this, if I was you I'd talk to her and try and find out what's going on with her and if a situation like this is likely to occur again. This was a drink fuelled incident, but it could very well be that your friend regrets this massively and is in bits over it herself. If it is unlikely to happen again then I would stay out of it.

Elle Collins

Unregistered wrote: »

What do I do?

Nothing. This is her marriage you're talking about, not yours.

gimme5minutes

You're both adults and you are not her mother. You say nothing and mind your own business. People are cheating the whole time, if you go around yapping everytime a friend tells you they cheat, you won't have many friends left.

Cheap Thrills!

Stay well out of it OP.

LegacyUser

As someone else said, your friend absolutely made it your business doing it in your house and then telling you. For your own sake, I think you need to get it out of your system and make sure she knows how you feel about it. If a friend is pissing you off so much, always make sure they know about it - and why. Otherwise your feelings are bound to surface through passive-aggressive behavior. I think doing what's best for you means confronting the issue, at least that's what I'd do...and regardless of what her reaction is, you can rest easy that you've done the right thing. The issue isn't that she's a slag, but that she has dragged you into her own affairs in an attempt to share the guilt.

LegacyUser

save yourself the trouble and say nothing. you won't get any thanks for wrecking a marriage.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I'd just like to say I am not some sad busybody, but I feel that they indeed made it my business by doing it in my house and telling me about it. Not to mention the fact I'm becoming friends with the husband and now have to act like everything is fine (I'm a bad liar). I suppose this has hurt me because I was cheated on by an ex-fiance and what hurt the most was the fact mutual friends and their OH's knew and never said anything. I felt so betrayed. It makes me feel so sad that I was a guest at this wedding not long ago and this rubbish is already going on. I thought they were a really nice, well matched couple.

I was shocked at how blase my friend seemed when she told me. It really was in this 'ooops, I've gone and done something silly' way, as if she'd forgotten to put the dishwasher on or something. Now she has always been quite a flaky, giggly person and I knew she could be selfish and immature but I absolutely did not expect this. And I'm equally disappointed in the male friend, I thought he was a better person than that. Sure, he wasn't the one who was married but it was still pretty wrong. He doesn't know the husband, I think they may have met once or twice, and he doesn't know my friend that well but knows all about the recent wedding. No, I don't fancy him or anything, he's just a good friend. Having spoken to him, it seems that my friend made all the moves and he ended up going along with it.

The scariest thing of all is the lack of remorse my friend seems to have and I'm really afraid she'll do this again, either with my male friend or with another friend or a randomer! I feel like I am in an awkward position now I know what I know. I really don't feel confident that she won't do it again, if it was so easy for her to cheat in such a short space of time! It's like she thinks marriage is a joke or something, but the husband definitely doesn't think so.

whatdoicare

Stay out of it. It's none of your business.
It'll end up with you getting the blame somehow. It always does. If yr friend wants to clear the air with her husband, it's up to her, not you.
You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and usually when someone cheats other things are going on in the background.

It is none of your business.

LegacyUser

OP - I'm fairly disappointed in the people telling you to "suck it up" and forget about it. There's something very Irish about the tendency to avoid any sort of confrontation. For me, it's a matter of principle. Your recently married friend jerked off your other friend in your house and then told you about her escapades in a playful manner, expecting you to have her back. Overnight, your friendship has turned into something that makes you extremely uncomfortable so you're completely in your right to raise this issue with her. It's called communicating - it's what friends are meant to do. If she reacts badly, that's her problem. After you've done your bit and showed your feelings, you'll feel better - at least you will if you're anything like me. If you feel that you can't communicate effectively with a friend, or talk to her about an issue that's bothering you - she's not much of a friend. So you might as well go with your gut and express yourself. You've got nothing to lose (but your integrity).

Whatdoicare, you said: "You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and usually when someone cheats other things are going on in the background."
- This argument is wafer-thin. It's highly unlikely that a lady who casually talks about cheating on her husband would also omit any justification for her behavior, it it existed.

greengiant09

i disagree with some of the posts saying that you should stay out of it because you will get no thanks for it. that may well all be true but there's a bigger picture going on here.

and that's whether you are willing to go against your moral beliefs to save yourself any possible hassle you may get in the future. i don't think you should...i think you do what you truly believe in even if you are made out to be a villain. at least you stuck to what you believed it and didn't take the easy option out by sticking your head in the sand.

you yourself spoke about how hurt you were when you found out that no one told you when you're fiance was cheating on you. i myself would want to know if someone was doing that to me.

your friends behaviour and lack of remorse is appalling to be honest. i think the best course of action is if you should 'disown' her. do you really want to be associated with someone who acts like that?? i know there are no easy options but you are going to have to make a difficult decision.

dudara

It's none of your business. So therefore stay out of it. This has nothing to do with avoiding confrontation etc, it's simply about recognising boundaries.

You can let your friend know how you feel, but no more. You need to learn to separate your emotional involvement (ex-fiancé etc) from this.

LegacyUser

Dudara, I'd just like to point out that the female friend is the only person people like myself are saying the OP should talk to. So yes, I agree, the OP should let her know how she feels.