Torn between whether I'm attractive or ugly..

LegacyUser

Okay this is complicated but I will do my best to explain it..

Firstly I am a 21yr old man, and I constantly obsess over my appearance. I mean it's literally on my mind 24/7 and I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I have extremely low self esteem and the fact that I've never really had a proper girlfriend or had any sexual experiences with women doesn't help my confidence at all.

Recently however I have had a strange experience that's added extra confusion to the mix..

Basically I joined a dating site (with photos up and all) and at first I was sitting there, noticing no interest and getting down on myself... That is until I started actually actively messaging girls. To my surprise I was getting responses like no tomorrow (like 90% response rate). And these were mainly very attractive girls at that. The success is still ongoing. I know it's shallow but I am still messaging highly attractive girls and experiencing kind of a 'high' you could say, every time they respond showing interest. This is just something I don't experience in the real world... hence the confusion..

Now of course I started to wonder if this is too good to be true? I couldn't possibly be good looking could I?? I just can't help but look for excuses.

Now I was very selective with what photos of myself I would use given my obsessive nature. This does not mean they are unclear. On the contrary... one of them is a clear close up shot of my face (albeit I'm not looking at the camera perfectly head on). And the other is one at a further distance where my body can be seen. I did however pick the best ones I had, which put me in the best light.

So from what I have said above, do you think I can safely assume I am good looking? I'm just so confused right now and could use some input.. If you want me to explain anything further just ask. Thanks.

LegacyUser

It has been my observation in live that women tend to respond to confidence in men, so when you meet them in real life all your insecurities and low self esteem come into play, which they pick up on and see as a turn off. Whereas when you talk to women online they really only have your text message and your picture to go off, and while it is possible to sound insecure in an email, it's something thats easily avoidable. If I had to take a guess I'd say thats the difference in response you are getting. As to your looks, well thats kinda hard to say without seeing you.

Zen65

vainorshame wrote: »

So from what I have said above, do you think I can safely assume I am good looking?

Op,

You can't assume anything based on responses from people you don't know to be real, especially those who could be using false photos of themselves online. I've seen a lot of threads here recently from guys questioning their appearances (maybe these were all started by you??) and it saddens me that anyone could invest so much importance to the transient appearance they may project at a point in their lives. I've seen guys as ugly as sin have a string of relationships with attractive women, and vice versa. I think you have taken one aspect of your life and blown it out of proportion, with the result that women are not attracted to you?? You need to develop the personality to know how to use the looks you have, and stop this futile worry about whether or not you look good in photos.

Girls don't care, or at least it's probably not the most important aspect of a man to them. Wayne Rooney has a face only his mother could love (sorry Wayne, no offence intended) and yet women flock to him.

OP, get out of the internet / bathroom and experience the real world with all of your flaws, whatever they may be. Take up a hobby, or enrol for a class in something and meet people who you can get to know, and stop obsessing about the unimportant.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Well big turn around people..

I'm happy to say I've been skyping a foreign girl I met on the dating site over the past couple of days and she clearly approves of my looks. This girl is gorgeous and has even done some moddelling.

She really appears to like me too (has stated it numerous times) and has said she thinks I'm really cute. So I'm feeling quite good about myself right now. It's so nice to feel desired by a girl I'm so immensly attracted to.

I was so nervous before the big moment approached (getting in touch on skype) but from when she made that first positive comment on my appearance all my nerves went out the window. It was like a load of my shoulders. I was waiting to get thrown into a pit of despair but I wasn't and I was so relieved.

Pity this girl lives such a long distance away from me because I think we've really begun to bond. I know my feeling have been getting increasingly more intense towards her. Maybe something can come out of it, who knows?

BCC4LYFE

ah **** her man get some dublin motsarellas

LegacyUser

BCC4LYFE wrote: »

ah **** her man get some dublin motsarellas

Heh.. easier said than done.

Even using dating sites, irish girls barely show interest in me very long before dissapearing..

Besides I really like this girl I'm skyping now. She stayed up late last night, despite being tired, so we could talk.

Can I ask, is it too much to be contacting her everyday? That's what I have been doing so far and we have also been skyping every day too.

Ickle Magoo

BCC4LYFE infracted.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
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Many thanks.
Ickle

Taltos

Few things op

1. Do not send ANY money for tickets etc when asked. Last I will say on it.

2. As Zen earlier said your looks really are fleeting. What is much more important is you as a person as corny as that sounds. If you really are this obsessed with how you look as you say - then I seriously suggest that you go speak to a professional about this. Maybe you are right - maybe it is down to your lack of self-confidence - but there is loads you can do to make you feel better about yourself.

Be safe - but really do try to just get out there and talk to people around you. Confidence goes a long way - just never be cocky.

LegacyUser

Oh man.. despite having this girl interested in me I found myself to be constantly analyzing her behavior after our chats and this ends up making me frustrated and anxious.

For example there is an issue with her connection which results in frequent disconnects from our skype sessions. This has been occuring since we first started skyping, and she's always called me right back after every disconnect. Last night however, she did not. The first time we got disconnected I waited, did not hear from her, so called her back to which she answered. Then after only a short time later, after we got disconnected a second time, I waited yet she did not call me back. Somehow I got it into my head that she'd lost interest in me.. when in the back of my mind I kind of know it's likely that she simply couldn't come back online due to her connection being down for period. THis would of course make sense because an IM I sent her shortly after our video got disconnected, remained in 'pending' status (which means she was not online to read it).

After that happened last night and I didn't hear from her, my mind started trailing into a thought process along the lines of.. 'OMG! What if she did not like the way I looked in that skype session due to different lighting conditions and lost interest!!'. Then I come back down to earth for a brief time and tell myself this could not be so due to the fact we have been seeing each other on skype everyday for the past week and surely she could not have found me attractive for the past 5 days (told me she found me really cute in EVERY skype session), then suddenly found me unappealing just like that. Now I'm creeping back into the former phase though..

Someone please tell me I'm overreacting here!?

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

If it's any consolation, you're not the only one. What you described here:

Oh man.. despite having this girl interested in me I found myself to be constantly analyzing her behavior after our chats and this ends up making me frustrated and anxious.

'OMG! What if she did not like the way I looked in that skype session due to different lighting conditions and lost interest!!'

Then I come back down to earth for a brief time

suddenly found me unappealing just like that

I could have written all that. I mean I've been told I'm "very cute" etc... by plenty of girls but I can't accept it sometimes. I go through phases where I believe that it's true. That I am a good looking guy and then bam out of nowhere, I'm back to the original. Moping, insecure and self-conscious. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think - my jaw isn't defined enough, my nose is ugly, I have a spot here or there, I'm too skinny, I'm too short (I'm actually 6'1"), my hairline is receding, I have too thin hair, my hair parting is ugly, etc...

I look at everything and I'll find a fault in it. No matter how many people will tell me otherwise if I asked them I'll find someway to think "they're only being nice" or that "they're just saying that, they actually think I am hideous".

And the worst part is, the only person I'm hurting is myself. My ex-girlfriend was stunning. Truly a 10/10 in the looks department. I had to pinch myself at times that we were going out. It didn't work out for various reasons but I did not do myself any favours at all. There were times with her that I felt on top of the world, attractive, funny etc.. But then there were times I was so insecure too. She was only using me as an ego boost (couldn't be further from the truth), any time we were not together she was dating someone else, I was paranoid over the slightest things at times. I feel this had a very negative impact on our relationship.We would talk online and she wouldn't answer straight away or she might not start the conversation when we are both online and I would get all anxious and frustrated and start playing mind games with myself. That's the worst thing you can do btw. There may well be a very good reason why she hasn't answered or initiated the conversation.

I would catch myself doing XYZ because of me being insecure and I would stop myself. I would tell myself - "you're being stupid, stop" - and really, it works.I wish I had learnt this lesson earlier on in our relationship and maybe we would still be together now.

Ultimately, the only advice I can give you is that you have to stop vesting so much interest in what others think of you. I used to that all the time - I still go through phases of doing it - but when I stopped caring so much, I got WAY more attention off girls here. I mean a lot more. It's a lot easier said than done, and you may have to go through something similar to me to actually understand what I mean by this. But the sooner you stop being so "vain" (I don't like that word because I don't think either of us are vain), the better things will be.

Try look at it from her point of view. Do you think that she is fretting over everything you said to her? How would you feel if she started accusing you of thinking she's ugly if you didn't compliment her on her looks in the last skype session?

As has been said before, looks aren't everything, you wouldn't go out with a serial killer because they were stunningly beautiful would you? I know it's hard to alter your mindset but do your best.

Out of interest OP, were you bullied as a kid? I ask because I was a small bit at school and it really made me self-conscious about my looks after that, it even does from time to time.

LegacyUser

samethingasop wrote: »

Hey OP,

If it's any consolation, you're not the only one. What you described here:



I could have written all that. I mean I've been told I'm "very cute" etc... by plenty of girls but I can't accept it sometimes. I go through phases where I believe that it's true. That I am a good looking guy and then bam out of nowhere, I'm back to the original. Moping, insecure and self-conscious. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think - my jaw isn't defined enough, my nose is ugly, I have a spot here or there, I'm too skinny, I'm too short (I'm actually 6'1"), my hairline is receding, I have too thin hair, my hair parting is ugly, etc...

I look at everything and I'll find a fault in it. No matter how many people will tell me otherwise if I asked them I'll find someway to think "they're only being nice" or that "they're just saying that, they actually think I am hideous".

And the worst part is, the only person I'm hurting is myself. My ex-girlfriend was stunning. Truly a 10/10 in the looks department. I had to pinch myself at times that we were going out. It didn't work out for various reasons but I did not do myself any favours at all. There were times with her that I felt on top of the world, attractive, funny etc.. But then there were times I was so insecure too. She was only using me as an ego boost (couldn't be further from the truth), any time we were not together she was dating someone else, I was paranoid over the slightest things at times. I feel this had a very negative impact on our relationship.We would talk online and she wouldn't answer straight away or she might not start the conversation when we are both online and I would get all anxious and frustrated and start playing mind games with myself. That's the worst thing you can do btw. There may well be a very good reason why she hasn't answered or initiated the conversation.

I would catch myself doing XYZ because of me being insecure and I would stop myself. I would tell myself - "you're being stupid, stop" - and really, it works.I wish I had learnt this lesson earlier on in our relationship and maybe we would still be together now.

Ultimately, the only advice I can give you is that you have to stop vesting so much interest in what others think of you. I used to that all the time - I still go through phases of doing it - but when I stopped caring so much, I got WAY more attention off girls here. I mean a lot more. It's a lot easier said than done, and you may have to go through something similar to me to actually understand what I mean by this. But the sooner you stop being so "vain" (I don't like that word because I don't think either of us are vain), the better things will be.

Try look at it from her point of view. Do you think that she is fretting over everything you said to her? How would you feel if she started accusing you of thinking she's ugly if you didn't compliment her on her looks in the last skype session?

As has been said before, looks aren't everything, you wouldn't go out with a serial killer because they were stunningly beautiful would you? I know it's hard to alter your mindset but do your best.

Out of interest OP, were you bullied as a kid? I ask because I was a small bit at school and it really made me self-conscious about my looks after that, it even does from time to time.

Yes I was verbally bullied in primary school and secondary school (the latter was directed toward my appearance).

Ah I'm feeling so miserable right now... The whole day went by and the girl did not respond.. I went on the dating site and noticed she was online and has been on/off the site throughout the whole day... I even sent her a message on the site yet got no response to either that one or the skype IM I sent her last night..

I don't know why she is acting like this... She initiated contact last night.. skyped me first thing after she woke up for gods sake. What the hell did I do!!! My mind is racing and concocting all sorts of reasons how I may have blown it for myself.. Did I wear the same top too often?? Was the lighting bad??? Did I say something stupid?? It could be anything and the scariest part of this is I may never know...

bigmouth strikes again

Hey man, its very common to be insecure of what you look like, I feel the exact same; I cannot decide where on the spectrum I fall into. I sometimes wish we just had stamps on our heads or something giving us a rating out of ten which would save us the bother.....

There's really nothing anyone can say on here that can make your mind up for you, you've got to figure that one on your own. Once you do that, you've got to IGNORE it i.e. find out you're hot, don't get carried away, stay grounded and down to earth or find out you're not, don't let it bruise your ego hold you back from taking chances. Its more than likely you're like the 90% of other Irish people who are at neither end of the scale; average, pretty

Regarding the on-line scene, can't say I recommend that the most healthy way to overcome your issues. I would say you could find this a "comfort zone" for you and it may not help you in real life, on nights out. You're gonna have to do that the ugly way like the rest of us, bite the bullet and take a risk to find that 'right' girl you're craving right now. Also, you need to take a step back from this current girl you're skyping, its sounds to me like you're too full on or suffocating at the minute and in my experience thats the one thing that can drive a girl away. Keep in touch, just tone it down, give her some time to let her feelings for you brew..... Although like that other guy who was told off advised, you should be looking closer to home at your age, it will be ultimately more fulfilling and save you a lot of grief long distance things cause.

Just my two cents, keep touching base, letting us know how you get on .

LegacyUser

vainorshame wrote: »

Yes I was verbally bullied in primary school and secondary school (the latter was directed toward my appearance).

Ah I'm feeling so miserable right now... The whole day went by and the girl did not respond.. I went on the dating site and noticed she was online and has been on/off the site throughout the whole day... I even sent her a message on the site yet got no response to either that one or the skype IM I sent her last night..

I don't know why she is acting like this... She initiated contact last night.. skyped me first thing after she woke up for gods sake. What the hell did I do!!! My mind is racing and concocting all sorts of reasons how I may have blown it for myself.. Did I wear the same top too often?? Was the lighting bad??? Did I say something stupid?? It could be anything and the scariest part of this is I may never know...

I can't remember any bullying directed at me in primary school however there was a bit in secondary school. Similar to you, it was directed towards my appearance. It never really struck me how much it affected me until recently. Chances are that it's something similar with you. I mean I was always told I was a good looking kid and I didn't understand how people could call me ugly and whatever else they did. If it's any consolation, the ones who called me ugly are in fact quite ugly themselves and overweight. So I like to comfort myself in the thought that they were just jealous:D

But yeah the more I think about it, the more of an effect it had on me growing up. I would be in Irish college when I was 15/16 and these girls who I would find super hot would be interested in me. I mean I say this now but at the time I never even considered the possibility that they were interested in me at all. It seriously never crossed my mind, that's how low my self-esteem was. I look back now and realise how stupid I was but meh that's life I suppose. I thought that they were b!tches who got kicks from playing with the ugly kid. In fact, I believe that I may have told a few of them to politely eff off.

I've started to recognise a lot of these mistakes I previously made and I am working on avoiding them in future. I first kissed a girl - drunkenly - at 17. The next girl I kissed was when I was 20, also drunkenly. I mean people at that age were hooking up every weekend, having one night stands - people mature at different rates. I had to content myself with swapping saliva with a girl (albeit a hot one:D) for about 20 minutes or so. It's a far cry from now where I don't even worry about "not having kissed a girl" in x amount of time or so. Anyways, digressions. The point I'm making is that this is only a big deal because you want it to be a big deal. As paradoxical as it sounds and I've mentioned this before: the less you care, the easier it is. I mean if you go to a nightclub with the sole intention of scoring, you're not making it easy on yourself. Trust me. The nights I've gone out with the mindset of having fun have a much higher "success rate" than the nights I've gone out with the aim of pulling a girl.

Regarding your skype friend, again I've been there too. Not in a skype sense but similar enough to tell you that you're blowing it way out of proportion. If you get her online and talk to her, try to explain how you feel - don't tell her that she's the love of your life now but tell her that you like talking with her etc... She may be falling for you and since you live so far away, it's going to be emotionally hard for both you and her. She may not want that. I know I wouldn't. At the same time, skype is not 100% reliable, just because she got your IMs doesn't mean that she can make calls. She may not even have been online at the time - sometimes skype fecks up and shows people online when they're not. You also need to consider that maybe she wasn't on the computer? That maybe someone else was using it and she forgot to log off? Maybe she has an iPhone and hasn't logged out properly? There's so many possible scenarios and since it only happened once don't worry too much about it. If it becomes a habit then maybe start to question it.

She isn't obsessing over your appearance. She finds you "cute" and she skyped you as soon as she woke up. Just read that again and again until it sinks in. Just because she didn't say it 1 day out of 6 doesn't mean she's changed her mind. I mean my ex was beautiful but I didn't say it to her every single day. I did say it to her a lot now but she knew I found her to be gorgeous and she didn't need me to tell her everyday - she liked it obviously but it wasn't as if she was in a huff because I didn't say it.

Anyways this response was super long. Sorry about that. I just find when I start to write I often can't stop. It's actually helping me transpose this into words somehow. Imagine that ha.

Hope this helps.