Clicky Gays!!

daveo90

Hi All,

I haven't gone out much in the scene, just about 4 times, I have a gay mate and girl I head out with just a bit.

Here's what annoys me! Let me set the scene first, I'm an attractive guy , nice to talk ta and very friendly. AKA not a weirdo.:D

For some reason I can't seem to make any mates with gay guys. The scene seems full of clicky groups..I got chatting online to afew guys in my local area, they seem nice and all chatting away for months now, but.......anytime I imply sure lets head for afew drinks they dont reply.. HAHAHAHa , could be cos they have bf's. But its driving me nutz!

Another guy I know from college , I ask him aswell, but he seems not 2 care much about going out of his way to meet or even invite me out with his mates or let me tag along ( I sound like such a loser)

Before you start thinking, I must be a loser, I'm not at all .. I'm starting to think maybe it's because I'm pretty attractive.... I could be stupid but I generally feel they might be afraid to introduce me to any of their mates???

I could be completely wrong, I'd just like to get an insight into the clicky world of the gays. In time I'll meet nice people I'll just have to wait

Are they Clicky or have I completely gone mad?

LegacyUser

Heh, nice to know I'm not the only one. I've had similar experiences in the past on the scene, on gay community websites, at college lgbt soc events etc. I like to think I'm not a wierdo either! It does seem quite hard to make gay mates in Dublin. It's like people are very defensive or something.

By contrast, I spent the summer in San Francisco and couldn't go out for a night in Castro without people approaching me, introducing themselves and their friends and generally being friendly.

I'm sure people will suggest joining gay social groups and I have heard people found success there in the past but it's a lot of hassle and commitment and they aren't always very frequent or at the most convenient times.

daveo90

So clicky in fact im getting no reply here 2

Chuchoter

I can only speak from my own incredibly limited experience, but any girls I know who are gay seem to kind of keep to themselves a bit like you say. Might be just the people in question though.

Have you met these guys in real life? I'd be a bit wary about meeting people off the internet even if I knew them really well.

daveo90

Like we have some friends in common, so It shouldnt be that weird?

Anyway thats just an example

Killer_banana

I haven't that much experience of the scene but it does seem quite cliquey to me as well. The one night I really got chatting to anyone was when I went out after my debs and that, obviously, was just 'cause of the dress. Any other time I've felt really unwelcome and ignored. I think part of that is to do with being bisexual (me and my friend got called equal opportunity whores by a gay guy before) but as well as that everyone just seems to have their own set groups and they don't really venture from them unless they fancy someone or something.

My experience is quite limited though so maybe I've just gotten the completely wrong impression.

Annasopra

I do find the scene itself quite cliquey but not all of the time - it depends where you go and when etc

Groups are a fantastic idea and I wouldn't knock them at all - They can be also be quite different as well - like for example I noticed that there are juggling lessons in Outhouse now - Personally I find groups (and there are hundreds - sports, muci, drama, reading, theatre, international) or websites such as here, gaire.com, queerid.com etc much more easier to utilise as a way of making friends rather than just going to the pubs on the scene.

A lemon

I think you have to remember that the scene isn't more than a few clubs/bars. People don't usually make friends in environments like that. It's a bit tricky at first when you don't have gay friends, but frankly gay people are everywhere so you will make friends in all sorts of places - and maybe then you'll enjoy the scene more, or realize that you don't need it. As for the college guy - maybe he thinks you're conceited.:cool:

daveo90

Ha!! I wish I was conceited!! would make things alot easier!

The scene seems full of conceited people, im not liking it at all, and i dont wanta turn into one of those people.

Annasopra

as I said above there are alternatives to the scene

flashhill

A thing that annoys me is it can be hard to make friends as sum guys think you’re just trying to score when all you want is friends. Last week I was out with friends about four of us and we saw one guy on his own, now we were all in his position before so one of the guys ask him over but of course he taught he was trying to chat him up!

For girls its seems to be way harder form what I’ve seen!

Dwn Wth Vwls

It just seems to be the society we live in, we've convinced ourselves that talking to a stranger in a pub, or asking someone for a pint is trying to hit on them. The best solution really is groups. There are lots of groups, some activity based, some purely social.

You can easily talk to people in the group without it being weird. If you later see those people out on the scene you can talk to them again and they'll introduce you to more people. You just need to get your foot in the door, especially since you say you're friendly and nice to talk to.

daveo90

Good last point,

But I even find that gays I do know as "friends" are still very clicky and can't seem to let me into their "group". Not so much random people clickyness.

Jesus it's like schoolyard stuff

alexjk

I get what you mean, I found it much more difficult to make friends with gay people than straight people but my only advice is perserverance. Somehow along the way I ended up with a great bunch of people to hang out with!

Annasopra

I dunno, I find a lot of groups (not groups of friends on the scene) to be much more friendly

Rick_

I once got chatting to a local guy who wasn't very friendly and chatty so I just deleted him. A few months later I got chatting to another guy who turns out was a friend of the original guy. He was much more friendly and chatty and he revealed that he sortof knew about me as his friend had told him about me. He then told me that a lot of the gay guys in the area are all friends with one another, work in the same places and all go out at the weekends on the scene or around the country on nights out. Then soon after he stopped talking to me too. Still don't know why. I have been to some of the shops and businesses he described as "full of his gay mates" and he was absolutely right. I recognised most of them from online profiles and they all had this same attitude of "I don't think I like you so I'm not going to talk to you". So much for giving someone a chance like!

It was typical though, my one chance to make some friends with an active group of gay guys who could lift me out of this rut I'm in and they're a bunch of super-close knit friends in a big impenetrable clique who don't want new members. :rolleyes:

Then again, if that's their attitude and style, I don't want to be associated with them.

daveo90

Damn right Paddy C Well said!!!

If thats how they are then they can jog on!

Maybe theres a degree of jealousy , "well he doesnt like me,so i'll get others to hate him", or "i have a bf, so i can't chat or get in trouble"

It's a bit crazy !

Rick_

I doubt it could be the "he doesn't like me so I'll get others to not like him", although it wouldn't surprise me. He didn't seem very friendly when chatting, so it's a wonder he even answered my original message and agreed to add me on MSN to chat. Perhaps he's basing his idea that he doesn't like me on our stilted conversation, which was only stilted because I kept asking questions or trying to say something and he just kept saying nothing or just one word answers.

Ah well, his/their loss.

Chuchoter

Maybe this is a completely different issue, but I was wondering if this had happened to anyone else. I met this guy last year and he's gay. He was really nice, smart and beyond a few small things you'd never kind of think he was gay. This year, after getting in with a few other gay guys, he has literally turned into every stereotype of a gay man imaginable. The terrible chart music, his hair takes like 3 hours, he got his tongue pierced! He's also said that instead of aiming for medicine like me he's going to be a fashion designer. This would all be fine, but he's completely stopped talking to me? Am I not cool enough anymore? Argh, rant over :mad:

daveo90

Eeeeep,

I can see how the scene would change people, generally I find the scene an unfriendly atmosphere.

You have several different people / groups

1) The popular gay - generally has over the top fashion sense (mostly horrible fashion taste based on the latest "trend" - surrounded by 8 people > group of shinny faced "friends". All focused on themselves to care about other people...All secretly in competition with each other.

2) The lonely gay - the standing at a bar without anyone 2 talk ta, normally staring at guys.

3) The grouper gay - The gay that hangs with mates 4ish< people, generally enjoy conversions and more likely have a higher IQ level

4) The complex gay - a mix of 1 , 2 and 3 in lesser power.

About your friend, I'd imagine its just a case of you hang around with monkeys to much you turn into one.

alexjk

crayolastereo wrote: »

Maybe this is a completely different issue, but I was wondering if this had happened to anyone else. I met this guy last year and he's gay. He was really nice, smart and beyond a few small things you'd never kind of think he was gay. This year, after getting in with a few other gay guys, he has literally turned into every stereotype of a gay man imaginable. The terrible chart music, his hair takes like 3 hours, he got his tongue pierced! He's also said that instead of aiming for medicine like me he's going to be a fashion designer. This would all be fine, but he's completely stopped talking to me? Am I not cool enough anymore? Argh, rant over :mad:

How old is he? You'll find he'll probably calm down in time. Although there's nothing wrong with being a fashion designer if that's what he likes to do.

Chuchoter

He's 17. Sure theres nothing wrong with being a fashion designer, its just like he's turned into someone completely different and a bit of a bitch at that.

stephen_n

I don't think if you walked into any straight bar in Dublin and tried talking to random strangers you would get much of different response! I have been hit on by random strangers in Gay clubs and had guys just start talking to me too, I always try to be polite but both sittuations make me feel hugely uncomfortable as I'm quite shy and am uneasy talking to people I don't know! I wouldn't say the gay clubs and pubs in Dublin are any more clique than the straight ones though!

daveo90

We not talking about random people, more like friends of friends or in fact "friends"

SparkyTech

I have an aversion to Gay bars in Dublin. Mainly because I don't have many male gay friends to go with and I don't want to be the guy thats sipping his pint all alone at the bar or grinding around in solace on the dancefloor :rolleyes:

Plus, the ''scene'' in Dublin is pretty piddly for a city of 1m compared to whats on offer in London or Amsterdam!

Daith

Was in a similar situation. Came out late-ish with most of my straight mates already settled down. Joined one of the other social sites, went to a meetup, met a great bunch of people, became great mates with about seven of them and have never looked back.

To be fair though, it did take a while and I suppose it was nearly just luck that the people I really became friends with were in a similar situation.

Would never have been able to make mates just by going on the scene. You need to join a club or something similar.

Rick_

I just have an aversion to gay bars and the scene in general. Just not my sorta place at all.

And I can't / don't dance.... unless "flailing arms and legs like he's having a fit" or "barely nodding head whilst rest of body remains rigid" are styles of dance.

daveo90

Well it happened again!!!

Met a guy now were kinda good mates, chatting online etc etc, we're both different people so like no chance of relationship..so its grand...

...
so i made a comment oh maybe we should head out for some drinks I can mate you're mates..i said.

the reply " They ARE OFF limits!!"

What the hell ??? I'm so confused with guys ?? clicky much ???

Aard

That's not clique-y.


It's expected.


You basically said that you wanted to **** his friends.

daveo90

Maybe that what he thought , and obviously you did , i didn't want **** his mates.. I just wanted to be friendly and meet new people , I made that pretty clear.

This is very much a learning experience !!

hypersquirrel

Well in my experience, which granted isn't much because I'm still coming to terms with everything, if you aren't a stereotype then you're not welcome.

Back when I was first questioning myself in college I went to a few LGBT meetings and found that if you weren't painting your face in rainbows and throwing glitter everywhere then you had nothing in common with most of them.

I reckon those experiences are half the reason it took me as long as it did to come out. I just didn't want to be like that. I'm a normal, quiet girl woman and that stuff just isn't me.

No doubt at all, the community is cliquey.

Rick_

Plenty of us on the Boards alone... but what other rocks are guys like us hiding under? I wanna kick them over!

Annasopra

hypersquirrel wrote: »

Well in my experience, which granted isn't much because I'm still coming to terms with everything, if you aren't a stereotype then you're not welcome.

Back when I was first questioning myself in college I went to a few LGBT meetings and found that if you weren't painting your face in rainbows and throwing glitter everywhere then you had nothing in common with most of them.

I reckon those experiences are half the reason it took me as long as it did to come out. I just didn't want to be like that. I'm a normal, quiet girl woman and that stuff just isn't me.

No doubt at all, the community is cliquey.

I would personally make a big distinction between the scene and the community - The scene can be very cliquey but groups outside of the scene I find are very different

flashhill

Fight_Night wrote: »

In my extremely extremely limited real life experience with other LGBT people I would reiterate what you would have to say. However on the internet almost every single gay guy I have come across says he isn't camp so I'm guessing there is a lot of people in the same boat as you or me, its just a lot harder to find them because they too feel like they don't belong with the 'rainbows and glitter' gays.

Now if I could just figure out where all these people are...

Totally a agree with you’s, during my colleges days every Wednesdays there would be an LGBT stand in the hall they put me right off every intimidating click. Luckily, a friend of a friend brought me out one night on the scene I could not believe how little camp guys their was. Not that’s there is noting wrong with camp people I now have one or two very camp friends but what pisses me off is people think gay equals camp so they think you should be like a 16th year old orange coloured girl and a afraid to get you hands dirty. When you’re just like an other guy your ages but just prefers to kisses guys instead of girls.

the lady

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=178305433321

the wet and wild adventure sports groups, i'm not an outgoing socially functional person in any way but any time I go to one of their events I end up chatting with someone new. Some of the friendliest people I've ever encountered and the membership is about 90% LGBT.

Aard

daveo90 wrote: »

Maybe that what he thought , and obviously you did , i didn't want **** his mates.. I just wanted to be friendly and meet new people , I made that pretty clear.

This is very much a learning experience !!

You said you wanted to "mate" his mates. What else does it mean? Unless, I'm inclined to think now, you're taking liberties with spelling conventions.

daveo90

"meet" his friends :P !!

can't believe u even bothered to type that lol

Aard

I relish in pettiness.

stephen_n

hypersquirrel wrote: »

Well in my experience, which granted isn't much because I'm still coming to terms with everything, if you aren't a stereotype then you're not welcome.

Back when I was first questioning myself in college I went to a few LGBT meetings and found that if you weren't painting your face in rainbows and throwing glitter everywhere then you had nothing in common with most of them.

I reckon those experiences are half the reason it took me as long as it did to come out. I just didn't want to be like that. I'm a normal, quiet girl woman and that stuff just isn't me.

No doubt at all, the community is cliquey.

I think it's a student thing, there almost seems to be a militant "we are out and we are proud" attitude amongst the societies. It's probably a bit like all the radical socialists who later become the captains of industry. Just going from one extreme to the other before coming back to rest in the middle!