Fiancé has broken off our engagement

LegacyUser

I have been engaged to a guy for the last 7 months. Tonight, during a discussion, he told me he sees no future with me. In one breath telling me he loves me, in the next that we will never be happy together.

The problems lie in religion - i am catholic while he is muslim. When we met, he was not strict on religion at all, but recently he has stopped drinking, smoking, and we are not having a sexual relationship. We were up until 2 months ago, then he decided that sex is for inside marriage only. We were due to get married next year.

Previously we have had several conversations on how our marriage will work, both having to make sacrifices but that they are worth it because we will be together. However tonight, talking about children we will have together, he said something that shocked me. Any girls born would be wearing hijab from a very early age. I do not agree with this, and when he saw my fac', he stated with no emotion whatsoever that then we simply will never work as a couple and that there is 'no chance' he will marry me, have kids with me etc.

Please dont take this as an attack on the practice of hijab, im not saying its wrong but its not the life i want for my children. He is not open to comprimise of any kind.

I am heartbroken. The man I thought i would spend my life with doesnt want to be with me. I relented and asked him well if that is what you want, and the only way i can be with you, then we can talk about it. His reply was no,it would cause too many problems, and that its better for him and me to marry other people than each other.

He says he wants to still be together as girlfriend and boyfriend but just to 'forget about' being serious. I gave him back his ring, and left.

I feel so used that he can just throw me away like he has. He can replace me in a second is how I feel. He is also here illegally and it makes me feel that he only ever wanted to marry in the first place for a visa.

I am in a bad place in my life, i am suffering from depression and just dont know how i will cope with this, telling my family, friends, and trying to accept that he has litrally dumped me, who he 'loves' without a second thought.

I am distraught and dont know how to handle this. I feel like every bone in my body is aching and that my heart is breaking. The man I thought i would spend my life with has changed so drastically in his viewpoints. Its like he has no emotion whatsoever, like it doesnt affect him at all.

It sounds melodramatic but genuinely, I cant see any future for myself without him. Within 5 minutes I have lost my future husband.
I don't know how, or if I can get through this.
Thankyou for reading.

whatsamsn

I raised my eyebrow at a few things you wrote. rather than creating a big long reply. Here are some of the things that stuck me:

• So religion wasnt coming into it the whole time he was dating you. But since he has quit smoking and drinking we can give him the benefit of the doubt that he has recently become more religious. (but we'll come back to that)
• "He is not open to comprimise of any kind" and would sooner never marry you than at least try to discuss things (think about that)
• He stated he still wants to be boyfriend-girlfriend just forget the serious part (major red flag) If he holds his beliefs in such high regard why state that.
• He is over here illegally (most likey somalian I imagine, but that doesnt matter) - its a tough world we live in. But you cant rule out the fact that this might of been an agenda too.

While one could see it as the repercussions of a man who has recently restored faith. I think there is more at play.
The biggest thing that stuck me was how he wanted to continue with you but without seriousness. While just 5 mins earlier was talking about how both of yous could never work.

If I were in your shoes I wouldnt trust this man. On so many levels.

LegacyUser

OP, I feel for you.

Now, you can choose:
1. Be with him casually, and may or may not used by him. (since we don't know the intention of his).

2. Leave him. Find someone who loves you enough or mature enough to know that 'respect' is the most important thing in a relationship between two different people.

aidan24326

whatsamsn wrote: »

If I were in your shoes I wouldnt trust this man. On so many levels.

Yeah, I'd be sceptical too tbh.

OP, as much as you don't want to hear this now, I think you might have had a lucky escape here. Think about it:

-He is completely uncompromising (and compromise is a massive part of any relationship)

-He wants any daughters you have to wear hijab, I'm not surprised you took issue with this. That's where a clash of religions/cultures rears its head.

-You say he dropped you in a cold and unemotional way, without opening up to any sort of alternative options or compromises

-He 'wanted to just now be bf/gf' would normally mean he just wants to carry on having sex with you without commitment, but since the sex had stopped anyway I'm not sure what to make of that one. Totally unworkable suggestion anyway.

-He's illegal. It doesn't seem like he was just using to get into the country, but who knows. It's possible.

I've known a few Irish girls who either went out with or in a couple of cases actually married practising muslim men, and it never worked in any of those cases. Not saying it can't work full stop, I'm sure there are examples of where it has, but I think there's often a fundamental culture clash there, especially with reference to things like the hijab. You're going to hit a wall there where the two of you will simply want different things i.e you're just not compatible.

whatsamsn

aidan24326 wrote: »

-He 'wanted to just now be bf/gf' would normally mean he just wants to carry on having sex with you without commitment, but since the sex had stopped anyway I'm not sure what to make of that one. Totally unworkable suggestion anyway.

I was thinking the exact same.
However, due to the fact he is only being serious about muslim faith for the last 2 months. I still wouldnt rule out that he wants sex.

Lets be honest, whats the one religious belief thats gets broken all the time in all religions .... having sex before marriage.
And now with what the op stated above, it might make him feel the op will never be one he would marry. He might just use her and have sex.

My two cents is that "lets be bf-gf with being serious" is translation for "i still want to have sex with you" illregardless of a persons recent new-found faith.

Moomoo1

whatsamsn wrote: »

I was thinking the exact same.
However, due to the fact he is only being serious about muslim faith for the last 2 months. I still wouldnt rule out that he wants sex.

on the contrary, converts are the worst kinds of zealots.

whatsamsn wrote: »

Lets be honest, whats the one religious belief thats gets broken all the time in all religions .... having sex before marriage.

But he stated already that he wasn't happy to break that rule. Believe it or not, but there are hundreds of millions of young people around the world who don't break it either. If you have a strong ideology (whether political or religious) you often don't need sex.

And there's the visa issue on top... why wouldn't he want to marry? Surely according to every paper in the country he should be desperate to marry a native - any native?

To me it's one of two things. Either he's met someone else, or he's homesick, and in either case is looking for excuses to get out of the relationship (hence the hijab thing, etc). I'd go for the latter.

Ickle Magoo

I appreciate you are very upset but I think if you can you need to take a step back and look at what you are typing.

Do you really want a man who won't compromise on important issues? Do you think a relationship with a man who won't discuss things and will throw away your relationship on a recently decided move towards his religion is going to be healthy, happy and work anyway?

He doesn't sound like he held you in very high regard anyway - many men marry women outside of their religion because they love them and are able to compromise. If your ex wasn't one of them then perhaps you are better off apart - though that might be hard to see at the moment.

All the best.

seenitall

Two words, OP: lucky escape.

You are heartbroken now, of course, and don't realise it, but you will in time.

Best wishes.

Firetrap

Sorry to hear you're upset OP but you did have a lucky escape. I don't want to be guilty of tarring all Muslim men with the same brush but I've heard of other cases of relationships which started out like that. Irish girl meets nice Muslim boy. He doesn't seem like the others -he drinks alcohol/has sex outside marriage/doesn't seem particularly religious etc. but then seemed to undergo an almost overnight personality change. I'm not saying that this happens to everyone but it has happened and from here, it looks like the beginnings of another classic case of this.

When you look back at things when you've recovered from the initial shock/hurt, you will realise that it has worked out for the best. He sounds like dreadful husband material tbh. Don't worry about what others will think. They will just be glad that you're not going to be marrying someone who has turned out to be very different to what you'd thought they were.

whatsamsn

Moomoo1 wrote: »

But he stated already that he wasn't happy to break that rule. Believe it or not, but there are hundreds of millions of young people around the world who don't break it either. If you have a strong ideology (whether political or religious) you often don't need sex.

I agree.
But young people remaining virgins until marriage these days are now in the minority. Of course we both know people do choose to do so. So you cant tarnish everyone with the same brush.

However since the op's boyfriend has already had sex with her and his restoration of faith is only the last 2 months. Call me a synic but i've come across alot of people who held their religion in such high regard only to be hypocrites. My view to the op would just be "cautious" in any event.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

And there's the visa issue on top... why wouldn't he want to marry? Surely according to every paper in the country he should be desperate to marry a native - any native?

True. But again, we live in a rough world. Wouldnt be the first time a non-national married a national for a visa. There is no hard evidence of this. But the op stated it. So caution would be advised again.

But we're just splitting hairs. In both our posts we suggest something is wrong. Which is the main thing.

Sleepy

Please report him as illegal OP.

Many of these recent converts are the ones who are brainwashed into carrying out acts of terrorism.

Oryx

Sleepy infracted for unhelpful and offtopic posting.

Cheap Thrills!

Lucky escape OP, sorry I know you don't feel lucky now but there were so many red flags all over the place.

Chuchoter

I think you should be really glad this has happened OP. I know that sounds weird, but from what you have said you do not want to be with this guy if he continues to be this serious about religion. If you were to marry him and he continued the way he is going I will tell you what will happen:

You will never get to make decisions about anything. You will be his personal slave. You could end up wearing a veil too.

Out of all the Muslim people I know, which is a fair few, I know none who have their daughters wearing the hijab at a young age. Many just don't have their daughters wear it at all until they are out of secondary school. So what he wants to do is very unusual.
If he is that into being very seriously religious with his kids, you could be talking arranged marriages/no further education for your daughters.

I know its really hard at the moment but try to keep in mind that you have definitely made a lucky escape here.

WindSock

It is strange that it his uncompromising ideas on religious values had been lying dormant in him for so long and only came out now, but you are lucky it came out before you got married in one sense. It must be quite hard for you to deal with your fiancées sudden change of tack, especially if it seemed to have come from nowhere.
I wouldn't see much of a point in carrying on a relationship with him that you get nothing out of. It is a bit of an odd suggestion alright. Perhaps he still loves you and wants you around but is torn between you and his newly emerged religious ideals.

Seanchai

hurt100 wrote: »

I have been engaged to a guy for the last 7 months. Tonight, during a discussion, he told me he sees no future with me. In one breath telling me he loves me, in the next that we will never be happy together.

The problems lie in religion - i am catholic while he is muslim. When we met, he was not strict on religion at all, but recently he has stopped drinking, smoking, and we are not having a sexual relationship. We were up until 2 months ago, then he decided that sex is for inside marriage only. We were due to get married next year.

Previously we have had several conversations on how our marriage will work, both having to make sacrifices but that they are worth it because we will be together. However tonight, talking about children we will have together, he said something that shocked me. Any girls born would be wearing hijab from a very early age. I do not agree with this, and when he saw my fac', he stated with no emotion whatsoever that then we simply will never work as a couple and that there is 'no chance' he will marry me, have kids with me etc.

Please dont take this as an attack on the practice of hijab, im not saying its wrong but its not the life i want for my children. He is not open to comprimise of any kind.

I am heartbroken. The man I thought i would spend my life with doesnt want to be with me. I relented and asked him well if that is what you want, and the only way i can be with you, then we can talk about it. His reply was no,it would cause too many problems, and that its better for him and me to marry other people than each other.

He says he wants to still be together as girlfriend and boyfriend but just to 'forget about' being serious. I gave him back his ring, and left.

I feel so used that he can just throw me away like he has. He can replace me in a second is how I feel. He is also here illegally and it makes me feel that he only ever wanted to marry in the first place for a visa.

I am in a bad place in my life, i am suffering from depression and just dont know how i will cope with this, telling my family, friends, and trying to accept that he has litrally dumped me, who he 'loves' without a second thought.

I am distraught and dont know how to handle this. I feel like every bone in my body is aching and that my heart is breaking. The man I thought i would spend my life with has changed so drastically in his viewpoints. Its like he has no emotion whatsoever, like it doesnt affect him at all.

It sounds melodramatic but genuinely, I cant see any future for myself without him. Within 5 minutes I have lost my future husband.
I don't know how, or if I can get through this.
Thankyou for reading.

There are red flags everywhere there. You've had a very, very lucky escape. Very lucky. The sooner you realise this and move on from everything to do with this guy the better. Try and keep perspective and you'll be stronger out of this. You've saved yourself an immense amount of future pain. Congratulations.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm sorry if I'm repeating what other's have said but WOW what a lucky escape!!!! Seriously you are much better off without him, he sounds like an intolerant, uncomprimising, fickle man and that is NOT qualities you want in a muslim husband. I know a couple of mixed marraiges and the only reason they work is because the husband isn't zeolous, like they are religious but very tolerant of their wives religion, don't force hijab on their daughters etc. Hmmm isn't it weird that it's usually the man who's muslim and not the girl, interesting thought. Anyway if he's here illegally I would report him and get him deported, we don't need people here illegally at the moment with the country the way it is. A plus to this is that having no contact with him would be a hell of a lot easier. Don't see this as losing your future husband, see this as saving yourself a world of future heartache. Cut contact, concentrate on yourself and you will start feeling better soon.

Best of luck.

Sleepy

At the risk of another infraction, I honestly think reporting your ex to the authorities would do you good OP. I'm not the only one seeing red flags in his behaviour and at the very, very least, his new direction in life is one which is incompatible with a woman who has her own mind and won't follow his creed unquestioningly.

If he's here illegally, reporting him to the authorities so that he can be deported will give you more closure on the matter than anything else I can think of. He won't be around for you to bump into on the street, in fact he won't be let back into the country and, while the last reason may be a bit petty, you'll have had your revenge for his stringing you along.

LittleBook

hurt100 wrote: »

I am heartbroken. The man I thought i would spend my life with doesnt want to be with me. I relented and asked him well if that is what you want, and the only way i can be with you, then we can talk about it. His reply was no,it would cause too many problems, and that its better for him and me to marry other people than each other.

...

I feel so used that he can just throw me away like he has. He can replace me in a second is how I feel.

I am in a bad place in my life, i am suffering from depression and just dont know how i will cope with this, telling my family, friends, and trying to accept that he has litrally dumped me, who he 'loves' without a second thought.

I am distraught and dont know how to handle this. I feel like every bone in my body is aching and that my heart is breaking.

It sounds melodramatic but genuinely, I cant see any future for myself without him. Within 5 minutes I have lost my future husband.
I don't know how, or if I can get through this.

Please, please stay away from him. You are very vulnerable right now and it would be very easy for you to agree to something that would not normally be in your nature. Find a friend who you can confide in, sit them down and tell them everything you've said here and get some support.

hurt100 wrote: »

recently he has stopped drinking, smoking, and we are not having a sexual relationship. We were up until 2 months ago, then he decided that sex is for inside marriage only. We were due to get married next year.

The man I thought i would spend my life with doesnt want to be with me.

The man I thought i would spend my life with has changed so drastically in his viewpoints.

Within 5 minutes I have lost my future husband.

The man you fell in love with literally doesn't exist anymore. I'm so sorry for you but you will have to grieve for him and move on.

If you somehow salvage the relationship, never forget it will be with a different man.

Moomoo1

Sleepy wrote: »

At the risk of another infraction, I honestly think reporting your ex to the authorities would do you good OP. I'm not the only one seeing red flags in his behaviour and at the very, very least, his new direction in life is one which is incompatible with a woman who has her own mind and won't follow his creed unquestioningly.

If he's here illegally, reporting him to the authorities so that he can be deported will give you more closure on the matter than anything else I can think of. He won't be around for you to bump into on the street, in fact he won't be let back into the country and, while the last reason may be a bit petty, you'll have had your revenge for his stringing you along.

what exactly did he do to her to warrant 'revenge'?

He was honest in saying that his religion mattered to him more than the relationship. Is that something that requires 'revenge'? He only became religious in the last two months, so how was he stringing her along? He told her what his new direction in life was, and what it would entail, what else was he supposed to do?

I think you are just trying to bang your 'let's kick all muslims out' drum here.

Sleepy

Moomoo1 - I've not got one of those drums. That said, I don't have any more acceptance of their treatment of women as chattel than I do of Catholicism's condemnation of homosexuality, Judaism's mutilation of their male children or Jehovas Witnesses refusal to allow their children receive medical treatment.

Like it or not, fundamentalist members of the Islamic religion have declared a religious war on those who don't believe the same things as they do. With Shannon Airport's role in "The War on Terror" :rolleyes:, Ireland has been identified as a potential target for those fundamentalists. The bombers responsible for the attacks on the London in 2005 were all young men who had become more serious about their religion a few years beforehand. The zeal of the convert is widely acknowledged and utilitized by those who wish to harm others not of the convert's belief system. So, forgive me if I'm wary of men who suddenly become devout in their following of Islam. I'm not advoocating internment or ethnic cleansing here. I'm suggesting that illegal immigrants espousing fundamentalist aspects of Islam shouldn't be here (a) because they're not here legally and (b) because fundamentalism is dangerous.

He says he wants to still be together as girlfriend and boyfriend but just to 'forget about' being serious.

How is that not leading the OP on?

Closure is good for people. Removing someone who's caused her pain from her life will help the OP and since he's here illegally, it would also be doing her civic duty to report illegal activity.

curlzy

While I don't agree with all of Sleepy's points, I do agree that reporting him is the correct thing to in this case. Illegal immigration should be stopped.

Ickle Magoo

Sleepy given a weeks holiday for determinedly dragging the thread into politicised waters.

The OP is looking for advice regarding the break up of her relationship. If anyone wants to rant about other cultures or the merits of reporting illegal immigrants please do so on the politics or ranting and raving forum. Any further attempts to politicise the thread will be deleted and the posters given a weeks ban.

Many thanks

Ickle

Moomoo1

Sleepy wrote: »

How is that not leading the OP on?

well, he says it how it is. He is happy to stay in the relationship, but promises nothing.

that's not leading on

jimmycrackcorm

In this day and age it's hard to believe that someone would place religious belief above a relationship. I actually would compare the situation to suddenly realizing that your partner is an alcoholic and that your life will now be dictated by understanding that they will have to go out to the pub all the time - because that is what is important to them.

He's developed an addiction; its religious, not a drug based habit. There's just as much chance of getting off it, but still people love their partners despite an addiction.

Zen65

hurt100 wrote: »

It sounds melodramatic but genuinely, I cant see any future for myself without him. Within 5 minutes I have lost my future husband.
I don't know how, or if I can get through this.
Thankyou for reading.

I understand what you mean, OP. However it is clear from the clash of values that now exists between you, and from his refusal to compromise, that there is no future for you with him.

You could capitulate, give in to each of his demands, become a mother who allows her daughter to be treated in a way you don't approve of, and possibly allow yourself to be treated in a way you do not approve of. That would allow you to keep him, but you would lose you in the process.

I agree with the other posters here. You found out on time, and you are well out of this relationship.

Remember the good times though, and do not allow your heart to become hardened by the experience. Move on and find somebody more compatible with the person you are.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP you dodged a bullet and had a lucky escape in my book!

Chin up forget about him and move on - he sounds like an utter tool and time waster, you can find bettter then him and find someone that allows you be yourself and grow