marriage separation

LegacyUser

Hi all, myself and my husband are going to separate. Anybody have any advice on how best to tell the kids and aftermath of coping? All replies welcome.

Moonbeam

It depends on the age of the kids and how much effort you and their dad will put in to having an amicable child 1st relationship.
If the kids need to move house/schools?

up for anything

Tell them straight out (together if possible and if the split has been 'amicable') but make sure you have answers first to give them on issues like where they are going to live, who gets custody of pets, whether it will mean a decrease in their living style. I found that children because they are very self-centered (which is as it should be) need to know how it is going to effect them first and then the emotions will start flowing. You need to hammer home the fact that IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT. You will need to constantly reiterate this and in as many different ways as you can. If there is no hope of reconciliation between you and your husband both of you need to make sure they know this so they don't live on false hope. It makes it easier in the long run.

There are counselling services available for different age groups. Rainbows deal primarily with 4-12 year olds (in my area at least) and there are other services for teens such as Teen Between. These are very useful for giving children a 'non-interested' third party to talk to if they need and also help to assuage any guilt you might feel about having put them into this situation through no fault of their own by you having provided them with as much help as you can. Also the counselling they receive is non-pressurised. They aren't forced into discussing it if they don't want to.

This advice is from my own experience and inexperience in my own separation. Best of luck with it and remember you will come out the other side although it will take time.

Fran79

Hi
from my personal experience (parents divorced when I was 5 and my Dad again when I was 18).

Please tell them the truth - nothing worse than being lied to. As previous poster said, make sure they know it is not their fault.

Also as much as you may (or maynot) hate your ex - do not let the kids see this. Be as amicable as possible whenever you see your ex.
DO NOT USE THE KIDS AS EMOTIONAL WEAPONS (very important - I only remember my parents fighting publically over me once, but it was in the street and upset me for a few years after.)

Don't try and brain wash your kids against your ex. Try and agree a shared timetable of parenting - both show up to sports matches, school plays etc
Christmas / birthdays are tricky, try to plan what you are doing on these special days in advance so both the grown ups and kids know who will be where ,then hopefully no arguments later (I had Christmas every other year with each parent, but 2 birthdays)

Hope you both get it sorted amicably. I know it can't be easy for any of you at the moment.

Fran

Jinxi

So sorry for you OP.
You have already got some great advise from poster. If possible, try and come up with a parenting plan with your partner before you separate. Be on the same page re: what your going to tell them(age appropriate but honest is best policy. IE we love you still the same as ever but we cant live together any more) As already said, don't say anything negative about other parent(or they will begin to edit what they tell you about their feelings towards them/situation), already have decided on things like visitation, scheduling etc. Tell them things might change but their opinion will be asked along the way. Its a big feeling of lack of control and uncertainty when your parents split up so try for the time being keep things as normal as possible and give them plenty of notice if anything changes and choices, lots of choices so they feel in control.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks to you all. I will have a look at the websites mentioned. It's a hugely difficult time and we are waiting until after Christmas to sort the details out. I just feel so sad and upset for my children. My husband adores his children as much as me so hopefully we will be able to keep things amicable. I'm terrified of scarring them for life. Its just so unfair to them.

Dougal O

Sorry OP - can't offer advice, but I'm interested in this. Hope no-one minds me coming in?

What if "the truth" is different for each of the husband & wife? For example, if the wife wants to separate, but the husband doesn't, or vice versa?

Thanks.

cynder

My cousin was married for 13 years, 4 years ago her hubby lost his arm at work, 3 months ago he got over 700K from his work in compensation, they bought a new house 400k and paid off the mortgage to their original house, 3 weeks ago he left my cousin and 2 weeks ago put the new house up for sale. Said he wanted a trial separation. (not much of a trial separation when he sticks the house up for sale)

They have a 12 year old boy and tbh he could not be happier that they have split. It came out of the blue for my cousin, but she is not letting it hold her back, she is still carrying on, she is going to her xmas work party tonight and her hubby is babysitting (at their old house (now her house)), i would be in stitches if she brought a fella back with her (but she wont) .

* im sure the hubby will go running back to her once all the money is gone.

Kids are very resilient, be honest, but make sure you stay on good terms with your ex, easier said then done.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice first of all.

Over the last few weeks I have been adjusting to the reality of my marriage break down. The pain is less intense and for the first time I am feeling positive about the future.

We have decided to tell the kids tomorrow.

My main focus points are:

- ensuring they understand this is not their fault
- explaining how this will affect their everyday lives
- explaining that many things in their lives will stay the same like school and their home with me (mother)
- I don't want to say that their Dad is leaving, that is not what's happening - more that he's getting another house and they will have 2 homes. The reality is they will be spending as much time with their Dad as they will with me.
- we will not be bad mouthing each other and family and friends will not be doing that either.

DougalO - regarding what is the truth, as with many break-ups it is often one person that wants to break up more than the other. I feel that burdening my children with information such as 'its daddy who wants to leave me' or 'mommy wants to leave daddy' is just unfair to the them. We as parents have to try and put our own hurt aside and concentrate on what is right and appropriate for the children to know and be able to process. So yes, the truth for each parent in this situation is different, but we are putting that to the side and explaining that we can't seem to get along anymore and that we are changing our relationship with each other - but not changing our relationship with our children.

I also wanted to share these leaflets which are on the fsa website. They are excellent.
http://www.fsa.ie/services/family-mediation-service/information-booklets/

I am off for the next 3 weeks so they will be able to choose where they want to stay each night (my ex has rented a nice house). After that, we will be organising things a bit more strictly as both of us will be busy with work.

I also wanted to ask - do children always react badly to separation? Our house has been a difficult place to be for the last while and there is no doubt my older child has noticed this. I wonder if there will be a sense of relief that they finally know whats going on and that the house will be a happier place to be.

Still have questions like should I be trying hard to keep it together emotionally? It is a sad time for all of us involved but I'm not sure if showing them my own pain is appropriate.

At the moment we are both doing our best to be amicable about things but I know my ex is still feeling a lot of anger towards me and he sometimes has outbursts. I never respond to these as I feel its pointless trying to engage when he is already mad. I also think its because I feel guilty for 'ruining' his plans for the future for the family etc.

This was longer than I intended so thanks to all who got this far. If anyone else has any other things to add - please do

Banjaxed82

I'm now a parent but speaking from the perspective of the child, as my parents split up when I was 12:

As mentioned, be honest. Tell them the truth.

Just don't forget about the children. The biggest mistake my parents made was they both fell into a state of self-pity (of varying degrees each). Myself and siblings were lost in the mix as both parents, unknowns to them, caused more damage by how THEY dealt with the break up.

Advice: Put on a brave face at least and be there EMOTIONALLY for your children. It's not your place to wallow just now.

Also, don't spoil your children, especially as a substitute for love and affection. Just because their parents are separated doesn't mean they deserve special privileges.

Hope all works out for you.

Sleepy

As someone who's now the parent and at 18 was the eldest trying to hold my family together when both parents fell apart during the separation I'd second everything Banjaxed82 says.

I'd also add another piece of advice for the years to come: no matter how bitter the divorce gets in court, reveal none of it to your kids. Never ask them to take sides. Never cry on their shoulders about it all.

mariaf24

I think you need to get professional advise OP.
My parents are separated (fairly recently) and at 25 i find it excrutiatingly painful so i cannot imagine how hard it is for a child.
To answer your question re relief, i really do not want to hurt you but i PERSONALLY don't think a child/children will be relieved, no matter how bad things become at home. A mammy and daddy together is all they have known their whole lives so im sure it will be very distressing for them for one parent to leave the home. (I'm sorry i'm just being honest).

Ive nothing to add as all other posters gave excellent advise re honesty, being amicable and not spoiling them etc...

May i ask how old your children are?

Finally, please be good to yourself at this difficult time.

Dougal O

You know that song, Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes?

Sorry if this sounds odd, but up to the point where you said your husband is angry and has outbursts, I half suspected you were actually my wife. But with us, it's my wife that's angry, and I'm just crushed.

I really don't envy you, OP, even though we seem to be on opposite sides of a similar situation. I feel sorry for my own wife too, even though it's her that wants to split with me - she seems to have passed any point where she can see us being together any more, though we have arranged counselling.

I hear you on the guilt thing too - I know my wife feels an element of guilt for what, ultimately, she's doing to the family, regardless of how we've arrived at this point.

Did you guys try counselling? Was it a gradual collapse, or was there a sudden "that's it" moment? Did you talk much to each other in the final weeks/months? Are you 100% certain in your heart & gut that you have no future together? Do you hate your husband now, or do you just not like him? Don't feel obliged to answer any of those questions - they're just questions I have in my own situation, too.

I hear the posts about self-pity and wallowing, but at this time, I'm personally utterly unable to keep positive about my own situation - my world is ending; there's simply nothing to be positive about - not now, and not in any future where my family isn't a family.

Maybe that changes - I'm glad to hear you're feeling positive, OP.

Good luck to you, and to your husband and children too. Hopefully you all have good friends that can help you through it all.

EDIT: About the kids being relieved after the split - I don't know you or your ways, but would it be reasonable to consider that you will feel releived after your husband is gone, and that you're hoping your children might feel the same relief?

LegacyUser

Hi.
The children, in my experience, will never be relieved. I think the house may be calmer or have less friction and so the children wont be uneasy coming in from school so may SEEM relieved - but my two children will still say, four years later, that their biggest wish is for their dad to live with us again.
I read somewhere that children of divorced parents will ALWAYS want their parents to get back together. Perhaps the adults of divorced parents here can confirm?
Honesty, as others have said, is key. And through their tears you will HAVE to tell them that their dad will not be coming home (if this is the case - and that is why you NEED to be absolutely SURE of your decision).
If there is even a flicker of hope for the marriage, I would urge you to work at it. If it is cracked and not broken, try your best to fix it.
Good luck telling the kids.
I managed to stay strong while we sat our two down and told them but my ex was a mess, crying his eyes out. My eldest kept checking with me. I still don't know if he was waiting for my tears or checking me out and wondering if it was all my idea!

Anyway, good luck to you.
This will be the hardest time for you all. I hope you have a good network of support. Be sure to tell the schools what is happening and to let you know of any changes in the children's behaviour. The schools may run a Rainbows programme which, if you children are between 4 and 12 they can attend. You may all find this useful.

I have a terrific book, if I can put it to hand I'll post the name of it. Something like "Living with Separation" - lots of tips.

Best of luck to you in this difficult time.

Jinxi

I have less experience than the people posting here, but again, just a few things.
This is all about the long term.
Short term the children are going to be hurt and confused and wish for things to stay as they are.
Long term, it is better to come from 2 seperate happy parents than 2 angry unhappy parents together.
Also, while I agree with not using your children as your sounding boards for the pain etc. It is really important that you don't just "put on a brave face".
Firstly, if they do buy it, then they may think that this separation was no big deal for you, or that you are happy when dad isn't so its your fault...or as one of my friends said who's mom did this, they don't understand how life sometimes throws you a curveball and you feel like sh*t but then you get through it. This particular friend canot deal with sadness, and always feels like they should be happier than they are.
Secondly, if they know you are faking it, they will think, its not ok to talk about how they are feeling about it. That everyone should fake being happy when they feel like crying.
There is a balance about talking about how you feel and not falling apart in front of them

up for anything

Dougal O wrote: »

I hear the posts about self-pity and wallowing, but at this time, I'm personally utterly unable to keep positive about my own situation - my world is ending; there's simply nothing to be positive about - not now, and not in any future where my family isn't a family.

Maybe that changes

Slightly off topic but in answer to your question. It does change but it takes time and a conscious effort which you may be unable to make for some time.

I left my husband but it was because of his behaviour that I left. He was completely unable to accept my leaving with our children. He felt his world had ended whereas I felt complete and utter relief. It took him a good six months to even begin to get to a point where he didn't cry or have tears in his eyes when he took the kids and it took that long too before he stopped begging me to come back and promising to change or threatening suicide. It didn't make me feel good, big or clever to have reduced him to that state and I suffered agonies of guilt but not enough to agree to counselling or to go back. I knew all those promises would fly out the window within a couple of weeks of us being back together, not just because he would relax but because also I would revert back to type almost immediately.

He is almost back on an even keel now after a full year but there are times I still see sadness in his eyes and feel guilty that I don't feel as guilty as I should, I just feel complete and utter relief. Then there are times like a couple of weeks before Christmas where our daughter was in hospital for five days but he couldn't come and see her or the fact that he neglected to phone his children on Christmas day and my guilt subsides.

The children initially were relieved to be away from him but every so often one of them would break down because they missed their daddy. Due to the circumstances of our break up, in the first couple of months they didn't see him often but as soon as things settled down he could take them whenever he wanted but mostly he didn't because he couldn't control his emotions in front of them.

I may be wrong but I think it more the idea of the family that he misses rather than the actual family. He me at one stage that he had no idea that I could/would be so strong. To me that said a lot after 21 years of marriage and a 30 year relationship.

Anyhow, I've gone on long enough. I just wanted to say that you have to make a huge effort to put your children before your own emotions. It's alright that you let them know you are not happy but not that you reveal that unhappiness constantly in front of them. You will burden them if you do that. They will be unhappy and worried for you and guilty that they find themselves still enjoying life and you don't, and because of that could begin to avoid you. Do everything you can to keep in their lives and keep abreast of their doings in school at home. It's knowing firstly, that they had a dental appointment last Monday, and remembering to ask them how it went or remembering their friends' names and making sure you are aware of the changing dynamics of those friendships that keeps you firmly in their lives, not that Saturday afternoon ice skating/film/MacDonalds trip.

I hope I've helped and not hindered.

monkey tree

It will be an extremely difficult time for you and your family over the next couple of years, I wish you all the best. I have been separated from my husband for just over four years. My daughter is now ten and I know we did not deal with her feelings re the separation at the time sufficiently due, mainly to immaturity on both our parts. I am still guilt ridden.

On a more positive note I am in my second year studying for an Hons Degree in Early Childhood Care and Education and psychological studies have indicated that children thrive better in the case of parents separating, rather than living in a toxic environment, which is dangerous for everybody.

There are also certain protective factors that will protect your children from long term negative effects; these include the child's own temperament and outlook. Optimistic children cope easier with difficult situations. Positive role models go a long way in the life of a young person, it allows them a raised sense of self esteem. Children that internalize their negative experiences can display depressive and anxious characteristics, it is better to be gentle with these children, allow their psyche some space to deal with the trauma but also be honestly there for them. On the other hand children who externalize their negative experiences may become very angry and oppositional. I would say all of this is within normal behavioral patterns for children who have suffered a shock but if disruptive behavior were to last for longer than 6mths I would seek further advice from my G.P.

Finally children in the aftermath of a relationship deal with it best when there is as little disruption to their routine as possible, so remaining in the same school as they always have and keeping their same peer group. The importance of childhood peers and socialization, IMO can never be stressed enough.

My daughter had bonded with her daddy from infancy and as he is a very consistent caregiver I knew she would cope better with our separation if she lived with him full time rather than me. Attachment is a very important part of parenting and children need above all consistency.

Don't worry, life is full of changes, and rightly so in my belief. If your children see you emerging as a strong independent woman who can carve out an interesting life for herself, I personally believe this to be a gift. It was long enough in this country women remained weak and silent.

LegacyUser

am looking for guidance. my sister and hubbie have split. they have 2 small children. how do i help?

LegacyUser

Actually the children do sometimes feel relieved although may be too young to recognise this is what they are feeling. My parents seperated when I was 5 & although I was sad at first at least I wasnt living in a warzone anymore. It wasnt until I was a teenager & they decided to get back together that I realised how much I didnt want that as it meant we would be subjected to living in a warzone again! So sometimes even children recognise that some parents are better parents when they are seperate!

The main advise I would give & it has been given before, is keep your differences between yourselves. Do not badmouth eachother or use the children as weapons against eachother & never make them choose between you both. These are the main painful memories I have of those years & I have to say all these years later I still cant forgive them for doing that to me. Good luck

Dougal O

hhdon, visit as much as possible, listen to BOTH partners (it's NEVER just one partner's fault), if you observe anything negative on the kids, don't be afraid to say it. Either or both partners may be so caught up in their crap that they may not be able to hide it all from the kids. Maybe take the kids off for some time to give the adults space - do school collects, shopping runs, playground trips. Listen to the kids - you may learn a lot about what's going from just overhearing them talk.

Don't know the full situation, and I'm no professional, so feel free to take my comments with a pinch of salt.

smelltheglove

anonymous for now wrote: »

I read somewhere that children of divorced parents will ALWAYS want their parents to get back together. Perhaps the adults of divorced parents here can confirm?

I dont think I ever wanted my parents to get back together, I just wanted them to stop bitch-ing!

hhdon wrote: »

am looking for guidance. my sister and hubbie have split. they have 2 small children. how do i help?

I think the best thingyou can do is be there for the kids. I know for us we had to look after each other. We stayed with our dad who worked strange hours so there was a lot of pitching in and helping out, haha plus the fact that he needed to learn to cook and wash etc. Some of the memories I have from that time are just hilarious but one thing we didnt have was an adult who wanted to listen to us. There were adults around alright, but around for our parents and not for us, if I was in your position it would be the kids Iwouldfocus on but I wouldalso ensure to mention here and there how lucky they are to have such a acool daddy so as to let them know that its not daddys fault, someone on his side should do the same about mammy, I remember my dads side badmouthing my mam and my mams side badmouthing my dad, I even remember once being told 'youre just like your mammy' in the worst way possibleand I was only about 12!