How do I stop being so negative?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Just wondering how to stop being so negative and bringing down my partner? He recently told me that I am repeatedly making him feel bad and I dont know how to stop.

I grew up in an environment what I thought was normal, but my counsellor & mates helped me understand that it was a really unhealthy upbringing. Even when my OH met them he was subjected to some of my families craziness and he was shocked and wanted to get as far away from them as possible.

Sometimes I can see myself mimicking my parents in the way I speak to him and although I try really hard not too, I treat him terribly sometimes. He hates fighting, and doesn't like when I'm upset but when I am upset, its like I want him to pay for making me upset. Even when I dont really care what he's done, I just like making him feel bad. Its horrible because when I realize what I'm doing, and that I might be overreacting, I try to apologize and try get in his good books again by doing something good for him, cooking his fav meal etc. and I feel like I am emotionally tormenting him.

Most of the time I am good. I treat him really well, compliment him, make him feel good about himself. But then he does something stupid or hurtful and I use it as ammunition. I cant let it go. He's done some pretty bad things in the past. Things I wouldnt put up with now, but at the time, I didnt know any better. And I bring those up on the odd occasion when Im upset with him. Its like I bring every little thing that he has ever done wrong into the fight and keep going and going until he cracks.

I hate the way I treat him. I know I can be so much better then this. I dont want to make him feel bad every time we have an argument. I just want to be able to focus on the problem at hand, and deal with it and move on. Like a proper adult. Im trying my hardest to not be like my family, but things just come up and I feel so ashamed about how I handle certain things.

I dont know really what Im wanting here, maybe a bit of advice on how to get over things, or stop making my partner miserable. Some may say leave him, and let him find someone who treats him better, but I have tried this many times, and he thinks I can be that better person and doesnt want to give up on me yet.

Anyway any help would be great.

Ickle Magoo

If you hate the behaviour, why are you still doing it?

Acknowledge that you want to bring up every little thing he's ever done and use it against him - realise that even if you do bring it up that you want to keep going until he cracks and then don't do it. Bite your tongue and go for a run or write a diary or phone a friend. Break the habit.

If it only happens when you are upset then when you feel yourself going into that zone, get away from him or ask him to leave - go swimming or hit the gym and get your annoyance and stress out in a healthier way.

Is the counselling helping? Are you dealing with the behaviour you use towards your boyfriend as well?

AshSmith

This behaviour literally pushed my boyfriend away to the extent he dumped me last week, I've since come to terms I may have depression.
You need to get help for it, I thought it would go away eventually but over time it got worse and worse until he reached breaking point and now we have zero hope together yet he still loves me. The problem wasn't our relationship, it was me.
If you love him as much as you say, then change now, this very moment and seek help for it. I wouldn't wish what I'm feeling on anyone.

LegacyUser

OP, it isn't easy to stop a behaviour that is ingrained in you and kudos to you for recognizing what you are doing wrong and wanting to change it. Similar to people who gain weight..they keep eating foods they know they shouldn't but they do it anyway, you say things you know you shouldn't but you say it anyway. It obviously serves some purpose for you...that you need to explore in counselling. Is it a learned behaviour - this is how you have always dealt with conflict because of your family? Is it a protective/defense mechanism? In that moment when you are going at him do you feel out of control?

My suggestion is to start off by giving him a sign that he can hold up when you start in on him - like a stop sign to give you a visual cue that you are being too negative. This saves him from having to interrupt your rant and doesn't give you anymore verbal ammunition to work with if he says the 'wrong' thing. your part is that as soon as you see the sign you have to walk away and take space - then you can fume to yourself until you can calm down and figure out what you are actually upset about at that moment...and then address that with him.

This is really just a temporary solution until you work on the skills you need to be internally controlled to not go at him.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I have learned through counselling a few techniques to help deal with the frustration I feel, sometimes they work, sometimes I need a bit more then what I was taught. I'd love to go back to see her more but finances arent allowing for it anymore so that is why I came on here to vent.

I will definitely try giving him a sign...he usually walks out of the room on me, and that usually tells me that I need to calm down. So I will try and do something to give him a bit of warning.

To answer your questions....

Is it a learned behaviour - this is how you have always dealt with conflict because of your family? Is it a protective/defense mechanism? In that moment when you are going at him do you feel out of control?

The way I used to deal with conflict was to run away/hide and get drunk/stoned. OH and a counsellor helped me off the drink and now I get frustrated that I cant do that anymore, I just dont really know how to act other then the way my family used too. I know in my head, right from wrong, but I just cant seem to put them into practice. I am getting better tho!
When I go at him, there is an over whelming sense of frustration, where all I want to do is ram my head into a wall, so I dont have to deal with it. I would usually punch the wall or kick the bed or something just to take my frustration out on something...I would never hit him or feel the need to hit someone, but do feel the need to take my mind off things by self harming. I can control this usually, but sometimes it all gets too much.

I know I sound crazy, and I should be able to deal with my emotions better...and as Ickle magoo said...just stop doing it...I try to do that, but sometimes it doesnt work.

Thanks again for all your replies, I may just have to get a loan and go back to the counsellor.

AshSmith, I'm really sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. I dont want to lose my OH, we've been together 8 years. And I know the problem is me. I hope things work out for you!!!