Not appreciated as a friend

LegacyUser

Title says it all really. Don't want to be too self pitying, but lately I've come to realise that for some reason, people just don't appreciate me. The only person who I can say really cares about me and values me is my boyfriend. Other than that, despite having plenty of 'friends', I could go weeks without a text or email unless someone wants something from me. This was really highlighted recently by an old college friend. She'd generally take 2-3 weeks to reply to my emails, but once I responded to her request to do something for her, she was emailing me back immediately, all day! So evidently, she has always had the time and opportunity to email at work, she has just never seen it as a priority. At first I blamed myself, saying I maybe didn't put enough effort in. But I do. I really do. I make sure to reply to all my e-mails, ask how people are, when I'm back home (working abroad at the mo), I always email and ask if anyone wants to meet up. Most people never bother. The last time I was home, my 'best' friend from college was busy meeting up with her workmate. Who she says every day. Says a lot about where I come on her list, doesn't it?

It's pretty much the same with new friends I make. We get along great, do stuff, but there's always someone more fun to hang out with, because as always, I'm at the bottom of the priority list. One friend regularly cancels plans to meet up if something better comes along, and openly tells me so. We had arranged a coffee the other day and an hour before I left, I got this text, 'am gona go to (city name) with pablo, see u another day'. No invitation for me to join them, nothing. I had turned down another offer to do something because of that coffee date! And then she just cancels, as if it's fine because I have nothing better to do anyway. Another girl I was really good friends with, hung out every day, and now she's pretty much dumped me and started hanging around with a Greek girl. No idea why. The Greek girl is a massive drama queen, always having disasters happen to her etc, I guess maybe she's more exciting than me? This has happened several times, getting dumped for someone more cool and dramatic. The thing is, I really don't think I'm a boring person at all. I have lots of interests - cinema, music, cultural stuff, travelling, fashion, cooking, plenty of things, and people seem to enjoy talking to me. So why don't they value me as a friend? I'm not a dramatic person, I don't talk much about my personal life, but does that make me dull?

This has to be something to do with me, surely. I am starting to think that maybe my entire generation (early twenties) is selfish, self obsessed, unreliable and shallow but that can't be it? I just find myself being CONSTANTLY let down. I find myself constantly feeling like crap and like a worthless person because I'm obviously not 'cool' enough to hang around with. Is it my personality? Looks? Clothes? Has anyone else felt like this? What can I do?

LegacyUser

Hello, this sounds like the same situation a friend of mine had. He was always at the bottom of the list when it came to meeting up with people. In his case, from what I could see, it was because he was a little dull. He had interests/stories etc, but compared to some of the people he was "competing" (for want of a better word) with, he wasn't as witty/funny/charming. Unfortunately people can be very selfish and will always go with the person they think with provide them with the best time possible. My advice would be to try one of these;

1. Be more assertive. Don't wait for someone to call you. Make a plan that involves a group of people. So if someone doesn't show it won't be a big deal.

2. Find other friends. If people around you don't show you any courtesy, why bother with them? You may be happier with other people in your life, hopefully people that you can relate better with you and perhaps have more in common with.

MD!

Yes i also feel like this! i could have written almost the same post. this year esp i have noticed people cancelling plans to visit/meet up which is actually driving me insane. at the moment i live in nice apt with 2 guys who are nice but its not the same as having girl friends to talk to. my friends know this and despite them all having cars they rarely come in to visit (despite me asking numerous times) When they say they are coming i rush home to tidy up, buy treats etc and then they text and say they cant come. whats worse is that my birthday is coming up and i have been told that they have plans for the week end i want to celebrate and that i can go visit them on my b-day if i want!!! i just feel that i am always there for them, drop things and re-arrange my life to suit them and get nothing in return.

beks101

It sounds to me like you're forming friendships with all the catty, superficial, drama-queen-ish girls that we all remember from our secondary school days. You know the ones - love the adrenalin of a good b1tch behind someone/everyone's back and change friends as they go out of fashion. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but then maybe you need to ask yourself what is it in you that attracts you to this type of person in the first place? You'll rarely, if ever, make it to the 'top' of this type of person's priority list and if you do, you won't stay there very long.

I had my fill of this type of friend in secondary school and since then, I've moved to Dublin and subsequently Toronto, so the friends I have, have stood the test of time. I wouldn't put up with bullsh1t like the sort of lack of respect you're getting and if I was met with that sort of indifference, I'd confront my friend and/or cut them out of my life.

I know it's not easy as you're clearly a good person who invests in your friendships, but you're going to have to stick up for yourself and not let yourself be a door mat to this type of behaviour. The next time you get a text like the one you mentioned, call your friend up and tell her what you've told us here. She's not going to change her plans but at least she's not going to undermine you like that again. Your friend who only emails when she wants something - call her up on it, maybe even make a joke about it, but in a way that she knows you're half serious.

In some of these situations, some people will be genuinely busy - it's often the case with me at work that I don't have time to email friends for days at a time. And in cases where you group email people, maybe some of them are simply lazy and assuming someone else will get back to you. Which is a bit sh1t granted, but people can be lazy, such is life. You're not going to know which it is, however, until you confront the issue and maybe take a look at the type of friend you attract into your life as well. Best of luck

LegacyUser

heretohelp09876 wrote: »

Hello, this sounds like the same situation a friend of mine had. He was always at the bottom of the list when it came to meeting up with people. In his case, from what I could see, it was because he was a little dull. He had interests/stories etc, but compared to some of the people he was "competing" (for want of a better word) with, he wasn't as witty/funny/charming. Unfortunately people can be very selfish and will always go with the person they think with provide them with the best time possible. My advice would be to try one of these;

But I don't think I'm dull. I have been told I am very funny, witty and charming. I'm quite outgoing and have always been well thought of at work, in college etc. I'm just not a 'drama queen' as I said, I don't talk about my sex life, I don't talk about doing drugs (even though I sometimes do them, just keep it to myself) and I'm not mad about nightclubs etc. Perhaps that is considered dull then, but I always thought being a loyal, kind, nice person was worth more than providing drama all the time.

1. Be more assertive. Don't wait for someone to call you. Make a plan that involves a group of people. So if someone doesn't show it won't be a big deal.

I do try to be assertive. I do call people and we do do things, but I always feel like I'm the last resort. Fine when nothing else is on. If something better comes up, then it's cancelled. It's so weird cos I sometimes feel that everything is grand, that I'm popular, but then it never lasts.

2. Find other friends. If people around you don't show you any courtesy, why bother with them? You may be happier with other people in your life, hopefully people that you can relate better with you and perhaps have more in common with.

It's time and time again. I'm always making new friends (I meet a lot of people working abroad) and the same thing always happens. I get along great with someone, go over to their house all the time, chat about all kinds of things, and then they find a new, cooler friend and ditch me. Every time. It's as if people think I'm nice, and grand, but not good enough to be a 'main' friend. I'm getting disheartened by how goddamn self absorbed most people are these days. I sit and listen to people going on and on about their problems, and then when I'm sick, or need a bit of a moan, the subject gets changed after 2 minutes! Maybe I should try to be more 'out there' and talk about myself more, but I've always prided myself on being a genuine and modest person. I feel like I'd be putting on an act if I tried to be something else...

astra2000

Hi op it could be a case that you are easily dropped because you wont make a fuss when this happens. You need to let people know that you are disppointed when this happens dont just accept it quietly. You can do this in a non agressive way if someone cancels rather than say ok no problem just say thats a pity I was looking farward to this and I actually changed my plans to meet with you. As for the friend who doesnt respond to your emails next time you hear from her ask is everything ok as you thought there was something up when you hadnt heard from her since you last did a favour for her. I doubt that you are not valued as a friend, you are probably just been taking for granted. The reason the greek girl get her way is because she demands it and with no repercussion from you, you can be dropped easily.
A lot of friendships in formed in college and in our early 20s fade away they are just friends for that period of time, even though you may live in each others pockets. You will maintain certain really good friend ships and they will be more genuine. It doesnt mean you will hate your other friends or have fallen out with them you will just grow apart over time.
Best of luck op try not to dwell concentrate on the friends and family who appreciate you.

Cheap Thrills!

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op it could be a case that you are easily dropped because you wont make a fuss when this happens. You need to let people know that you are disppointed when this happens dont just accept it quietly. You can do this in a non agressive way if someone cancels rather than say ok no problem just say thats a pity I was looking farward to this and I actually changed my plans to meet with you. As for the friend who doesnt respond to your emails next time you hear from her ask is everything ok as you thought there was something up when you hadnt heard from her since you last did a favour for her. I doubt that you are not valued as a friend, you are probably just been taking for granted. The reason the greek girl get her way is because she demands it and with no repercussion from you, you can be dropped easily.

+1

We have to teach people how to treat us! I think also, you sound quite advanced and mature and intelligent for your age. Wheras the people you are associating with don't seem to have developed any self awareness yet.

I would say it isn't generally until the mid 20's that peoples brains are actually fully formed and they develop concepts like empathy and the ability to properly see things from others points of view.

You probably need to calmly spell it out to them when they let you down, if you make it too convenient for people they will use you and take you for granted.

Just let them know where the boundaries lie and maybe let some friendships fizzle, the ones with no self-awareness.

whatdoicare

I have the perfect example for you about what to do.

For a very VERY long time, all my friends took me for granted. A particular two would even only ring me if the other was busy and if I was unfortunate enough to meet them together I would be ignored and they would happily walk in front of me (as in make me walk behind them) holding each others hands (neither is gay afaik)

Another made no secret that she only really wanted me for the free taxi service I was providing and used to delight in telling me I wasn't invited here or there or wherever she was going - then she would ring and invite me if her pals cancelled on her!

So, one day I just got sick of it, I was sitting crying after a cancellation and my husband started doing a dance with a teddy bear to cheer me up - I realised I have a wonderful husband who adores me and we do everything together - HE is my friend, my best friend, my family are my friends.
I just stopped saying "yes" to any invitation by them and always answered that I was just too busy to meet them (no more details than that- just that I was busy)

Suddenly, as if by magic, they were going out of their way to want to meet me! Demanding answers as to why I'm fighting with them! Texting me daily with invites!
I only ever answered with "no I'm not fighting with you, just too busy, sorry."
I have made up my mind that I will never make myself a second class person again, I am to be treated as a first class friend or no friend at all.

Recently I met one for lunch, just to test my theory, she immediately assumed that all was back to how it was and told me all about some shopping trip she was doing and some other night out she was going to, neither I was invited to. Two days later she texted me asking to come out to her night out that night- her friend had cancelled - I said "no"
and then to drive her to her shopping day that her friend must have cancelled as she was going to drive her - I said "no"

Instead I went to dinner with my family and then shopping with my husband! I had so much fun and I was much happier in myself as I settled down to watch Harry Potter with my brother!
I have even rekindled old friendships with friends who I haven't seen in years - I ran into one in town and started chatting - I had been to busy running around as a servant to give her much time! From the get go I showed them I was no doormat and rarely offer to do anything for them bar meet for lunch or something that I actually want to do.
If someone cancels I don't give them so much as a text to confirm I got the cancellation. they can ring me to apologise if they really have to cancel.
This is working insanely well for me!

Try it for a while, first month is the hardest as they all start texting demanding you be their slave and having dramas! As for the friend who never emails - just delete her. She's using you. Simples.

Hope this helps

SparkyTech

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

+1

We have to teach people how to treat us! I think also, you sound quite advanced and mature and intelligent for your age. Wheras the people you are associating with don't seem to have developed any self awareness yet.

You probably need to calmly spell it out to them when they let you down, if you make it too convenient for people they will use you and take you for granted.

Just let them know where the boundaries lie and maybe let some friendships fizzle, the ones with no self-awareness.

+1.

Ive been in situations with friends who have treated me like a doormat and its neither pleasant nor warranted. Relationships are a two way street and require effort and respect from both sides.

Politely tell your friends how their behavior as affected you and make it clear you will not put up with the way you are being been treated. If you feel that after talking to them and giving them a chance to rectify their behavior, with no joy, then move on and find some new friends who are more mature and can see perspectives from the other persons shoes.

Best of luck OP