think he might be cheating

sillymen

I think my boyfriend of a year might be doing the dirty. He's become very secretive lately and there have been suggestive posts on his page by one girl in particular. I can't just confront either of them, I don't have the courage. Anyone have ideas as to how I can catch him/them out?

Professional Griefer

Confront him.

Tell him you think something is going on.
Keeping it to yourself and worrying about it is going to no good what so ever.

dublingal80

just say that you saw a post that X put on their page and what does she mean by that..
You cant hide from these things. If he is cheating on you its better to know now, than 2 years down the line

Miss Fluff

What did the girl actually say on his page? I'd be inclined to think that if something was going on they wouldn't be so public/blatant as to broadcast it on Facebook.

By the same token, I think you have to listen to your instincts. Personally, if I had well-founded suspicions that my partner was cheating I would make an exception and go through their phone looking for evidence. I know people here will slate me for that but if I was looking for proof that would be my first port of call.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

What did the girl actually say on his page? I'd be inclined to think that if something was going on they wouldn't be so public/blatant as to broadcast it on Facebook.

By the same token, I think you have to listen to your instincts. Personally, if I had well-founded suspicions that my partner was cheating I would make an exception and go through their phone looking for evidence. I know people here will slate me for that but if I was looking for proof that would be my first port of call.

What "well-founded" suspicions does the OP have though? Her perceiving her boyfriend as being more secretive lately and that a girl posted on his facebook, but at the same time admitting to being paranoid that he's cheating? There couldn't possibly be a connection, no?

The bolded above is poor advice in my opinion, especially if OP has not confronted her boyfriend about her concerns, which is the rightfulfirst port of call. Trust is the most important thing, and if you're snooping around someone's private means of contact, where does it end? - "Well I didn't find anything today, but he could have just deleted all the messages before I checked it, I'll check again tomorrow..." etc etc.

Checking phones/emails etc just encourages lack of trust and sets the standard for both parties. Asking him is better IMO, to a point. The human mind is a funny thing however in that self-fulfilling prophecies can happen because a certain thing or act is made taboo. If one partner is constantly paranoid about something and raises it repeatedly, it can often occur as a result... from what I've seen anyway.

Miss Fluff

I get your point trustmust but what do you anticipate the outcome will be when she confronts him?

OP - are you having an affair?
OP's BF - of course not, I love you
OP - um, ok then

I get your point on snooping around, its not healthy and not something I would advocate normally but in this instance, the fact that there has been a change in his behaviour would make me snoop

LighterGuy

Snoop.
Its the only way. If you confront him you will just get the usual "Im not doing anything" answer. And he will then become more secretive.

Op, some users feel that snooping is never condoned ( :rolleyes: ) It is with red flags. Because sadly in this world people wont be honest after being dishonest.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It's a tough one. If he's innocent you risk making him realise you don't trust him and it could damage the relationship. For a personal opinion it would upset me if a girlfriend I really liked of lover was genuinely suspicious I'd been cheating.

You could ask him how he feels in the relationship in general. If everything's still good for him. If he is cheating this may prompt him to tell the truth or even break up with you. Which although isn't what you want it is better than staying with you whilst cheating

allandanyways

LighterGuy wrote: »

Snoop.
Its the only way. If you confront him you will just get the usual "Im not doing anything" answer. And he will then become more secretive.

Op, some users feel that snooping is never condoned ( :rolleyes: ) It is with red flags. Because sadly in this world people wont be honest after being dishonest.

Agreed.

If someone suddenly starts being secretive, it's for a reason. If he's not going to tell you, go find out for yourself. There are several ways you can do it, check his internet history, try get a look at his phone, make a joke about "ah sure go on to your other girlfriend" and see how he reacts.

At the end of the day, if he's already cheating on you, then you have a right to know. I don't understand when people say "you shouldn't go snooping", privacy is a privelege, not a right and if he's doing the dirt on you, why should you respect his privacy when he clearly doesn't respect you?

S23

allandanyways wrote: »

Agreed.

If someone suddenly starts being secretive, it's for a reason. If he's not going to tell you, go find out for yourself. There are several ways you can do it, check his internet history, try get a look at his phone, make a joke about "ah sure go on to your other girlfriend" and see how he reacts.

At the end of the day, if he's already cheating on you, then you have a right to know. I don't understand when people say "you shouldn't go snooping", privacy is a privelege, not a right and if he's doing the dirt on you, why should you respect his privacy when he clearly doesn't respect you?

And what if he's not doing the dirt on her? How does going through his stuff/snooping in general stack up then? Is it still fair game?

Does she get to say 'ah I'm allowed do that if I think you're cheating'? What if her fears were unfounded and baseless? Do you just get to go through your OH's stuff anytime you want and write it off?

The highlighted bit above stands or falls on the word 'if'.

I'll tell you this much if my OH went through my stuff (and I've nothing to hide) I'd be ****ing furious. Respecting someones personal boundaries is a major part of any relationship IMO.

whatsamsn

S23,

Personally having been cheated on twice in my life. Nothing wrong with snopping after warning signs have gone off. If anyone says differently. Try being in a situation where your partner is suspected of cheating on you. And not out of "insecurities" but out of common sense and gut instincts. See if you wont look at their phone.

S23

That doesn't answer any of the questions I posed in my post, though, does it?

To be fair the OP hasn't offered much info into the situation other than the implication that he has 'become more secretive'. There is nothing concrete offered on that front, no explanation, yet plenty of people are reccomending she immediately start 'snooping' on her OH. None of us are in full possesion of the facts so how so many people can say 'go ahead and go through his stuff' is beyond me.

As for the facebook comments from the other girl. I'm sorry but the OP has to confront him on it. Asks whats going on. Ask who she is and why shes making these comments. And tell him you expect him to make it clear to her that it's inappropriate and to knock it on the head. If you're hurt by this then tell him. If you think its not on then tell him

What happens if he's not cheating and he catches her snooping? His privacy has been invaded and his girlfriend will have basically accused him of cheating. I'd imagine he'd be less than thrilled with that combination.

I'm sorry you've been cheated on but it doesn't give a person carte blanche to go through their new OH's private stuff anytime they say they feel a bit iffy about something

allandanyways

S23 wrote: »

And what if he's not doing the dirt on her? How does going through his stuff/snooping in general stack up then? Is it still fair game?

Does she get to say 'ah I'm allowed do that if I think you're cheating'? What if her fears were unfounded and baseless? Do you just get to go through your OH's stuff anytime you want and write it off?

The highlighted bit above stands or falls on the word 'if'.

I'll tell you this much if my OH went through my stuff (and I've nothing to hide) I'd be ****ing furious. Respecting someones personal boundaries is a major part of any relationship IMO.

And the justification for me advocating having a look at her OH's stuff was the fact that he is acting secretive and having one girl contacting him online. If the OP was basing this suspicion that he might be cheating on "a hunch" or a feeling, then it would be different. Looking through someone's stuff for the sake of it is just plain rude.

As I said in the first sentence of my post, if someone starts acting secretive all of a sudden, as the OP suggests her boyfriend has, it's for a reason. You don't just wake up one day and decide "I'm going to hide my phone from my partner, just cos I feel like it.". There are obviously things on his phone/facebook or things that he's up to that he doesn't want her to find out about.

The obvious thing to do is to ask her OH outright "Are you cheating on me?", but sadly, many men won't own up to cheating when confronted (not all, but many). If her suspiscions were to continue to be raised, then yeah, I think it's fair game to go through his stuff.

S23

He is acting secretively? You're definitive about that?

So tell me this. What is he doing that is so secretive?
The facebook thing isn't secretive because its there for all to see on a social networking site.

So, allandanyways, tell me what it is that he's doing that is so secretive since you're so definitive about it?

S23

For the record I've no idea if he is being secretive or if he is having sex with 1,3,5 or 10 other women but I strongly think advising a person to go through their OH's stuff when we have little or no information about whats going on is wreckless and could lead to trouble. And my initial post wasn't aimed at you specifically allandanyways

allandanyways

S23 wrote: »

He is acting secretively? You're definitive about that?

So tell me this. What is he doing that is so secretive?
The facebook thing isn't secretive because its there for all to see on a social networking site.

So, allandanyways, tell me what it is that he's doing that is so secretive since you're so definitive about it?

Here, attack the post, not me. The OP opened her post with:

sillymen wrote: »

I think my boyfriend of a year might be doing the dirty. He's become very secretive lately

That's what I'm going on.

If he's being secretive, there's a reason. That's all I'm saying, and she deserves to know why he's being secretive. They've been together for a year, they should know how the other person operates at this stage. His behaviour is obviously strange and has the OP concerned.

Are you telling me that if your partner, who was usually, just for example, totally relaxed about leaving their facebook logged in, or letting you use their computer or texting off their phone or even leaving the phone on the counter or something and suddenly, out of the blue, started clearing internet history or keeping their phone in their pocket at all times, would you not regard that as odd?

The OP hasn't specified what exactly her boyfriend is doing that is suspiscious, but those are just examples of the type of behaviour one might consider "suspicious", and if I was in the OP's situation and noticed my OH behaving oddly, I would be worried.

S23

I'm not attacking you or the post.

You're throwing all this out there about clearing internet history and hiding phones. If that happend I probably would be suspicious. However, we've no idea if that's the case. That is my point.

allandanyways

S23 wrote: »

I'm not attacking you or the post.

You're throwing all this out there about clearing internet history and hiding phones. If that happend I probably would be suspicious. However, we've no idea if that's the case. That is my point.

Read my post again. I'm not suggesting that's what the OP's boyfriend is doing, but it's examples of behaviour that tends to arouse suspicion in a relationship. My point was, if the OP thinks her boyfriend has something to hide, and he denies it if she confronts him but continues with the suspicious behaviour, I think she's entitled to find out the truth.

Having been in the same position as the OP, where I was told I had nothing to worry about when in fact, there was plenty to worry about, I wish I had dug around sooner. Men and women lie to each other, that's the fact of the matter, sometimes you have to find the truth for yourself.

But you're right, this has gotten well out of proportion, so back OT:

OP, I would strongly suggest you confront your boyfriend about his behaviour and tell him you'd rather know if something was going on now rather than 2 years down the line. If he is cheating on you and is man enough to tell you, you'll know and can move on from him. If he denies it, and realises he's been acting weird and corrects his behaviour, wahey, you've nothing to worry about. If he denies it and continues acting suspiciously, I think you should take matters into your own hands and find out what the hell is going on.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.
Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

whatsamsn

Ickle,
Yes the topic is turning into a debate which could be seen as unhelpful. But as the op asked in this case "Anyone have ideas as to how I can catch him/them out?" - you will always get users presenting their moral objection to snooping as their advice (and hey, i say that while im in the camp of its ok to snoop if alarm bells going off)

Op,
The most common ways are looking through a persons phone, facebook or email. Phone is usually the most common way cheaters get caught out.


All I can add to the discusson of "Snooping Right or Wrong?" is one thing:

If I have enough suspision/gut instincts/common sense and not my own insecurities (which gets used too much on this board) to suggest my partner is cheating but I do not snoop because It would be wrong as users say. What advice can people honestly give me if my instincts were right? I know what they will say if I am wrong. But what if im right? .. can anyone say they wouldnt be thinking "you should of known" :rolleyes:

kylith

OP, talk to him about your feelings regarding the other woman posting on his Facebook.

'Being secretive' is, imo, not necessarily evidence of cheating , and does not warrent going through someone's phone. For all you know he could be trying to arrange a surprise for you for Christmas.

Pebbles!

sillymen wrote: »

I think my boyfriend of a year might be doing the dirty. He's become very secretive lately and there have been suggestive posts on his page by one girl in particular. I can't just confront either of them, I don't have the courage. Anyone have ideas as to how I can catch him/them out?

Hi OP, to be honest I think you have to trust your gut feeling on this one. . .99% of the time you'l always be right! I would be like you I wouldn't have the courage to confront him cause I would be gullible and believe whatever he told me.. . .also you do not have any actual proof yet so accusing him of cheating wouldn't be the best move. Although I think I would try and bring this girl up in conversation, just to see what he says. I would then keep a very close eye on his behaviour, if possible I would also try and check out his phone to see if there's anything incriminating. If I found nothing I would just let it go because paranoia can ruin a relationship very quickly.

I don't know what this girl had said but some girls can be very flirty in general and it could mean nothing.

At the end of the day it's better to find out now that to let it go on, I know it will be hard to face it if he is cheating but your better off without him if that's how he's going to treat you.

Let us know how you get on..

banquo

Go with your gut. Always.

LegacyUser

I was in exactly the same situation and confronted him, he lied, emailed the girl complaining about my suspicious nature and then continued fooling around with her for another year. It was only when I checked his automatically save files from online chats that I got the truth.
In hindsight, his attacking me when I confronted me should have been a red flag. If he hadn't felt so threatened/scared of being found out, (I think) he would have heard my doubts and reassured me that my doubts were groundless. Instead he said that I was being ridiculous and had little enough time for himself with me being such a demanding girlfriend.
From this experience my advice is that if you snoop, be thorough (look in hidden files, hack his facebook and check his mail and see what he has written on her wall); deceptive people are good at covering their tracks (erasing calls and texts) but get over-confident with passwords. If you confront him; judge him on his body language and whether he attacks you or not.
It is horrible feeling suspicious and worrying if you're paranoid or justified. It's best to know. Please don't be putting yourself through anymore worry.
On the other hand, has he ever been quiet like this before? Do you or anyone else know his girl? Maybe you could get to the bottom of this without having to confront him or snoop.