Problem with OH's parents......

LegacyUser

I'm posting here in the hope I might be able to get some other people's opinions on this.

I've lived with my OH for the last few years - we have a house together. Like many others I lost my job a while ago. We have always wanted to live abroad for a while, and since I've been unemployed nearly a year now, we're seriously considering it.We've mentioned it to friends and family a few times, so it's not coming out of the blue.

BUT.....he mentioned it to his mother last week, as a serious thing and she freaked out. He's an only child and when he said it, his mother went nuts....getting upset, etc (his dad is still alive, and they are around late 50's in age)

Now I understand this predicament, and to be honest, we have talked about what we'd do in terms of his parents.His attitude was always "look, they'll have to deal with it". But now...in the face of a reaction like this - he backed off, and told them it probably wouldn't happen, not to worry.

I don't know what to do. I've been looking for a job for so long and nothing is happening. I'm trying so hard. We're meeting our payments, but that's not going to continue for much longer, and his job is on rocky ground aswell.He may not have it in a few months. Yesterday's 4 year plan scared the crap out of me; I don't know what's going to happen come January, and I'm really worried. We don't have many options to be honest, and I just can't sit at home, condemning myself to indefinite unemployment because his mother (who doesn't work, btw and doesn't have any understanding of what it costs to pay for a house) can't stand the thought that he mightn't be 10 minutes down the road from her.I'm a reasonable person - but we have to live our lives too.

I should say this isn't the first time he's been abroad, he's lived away from home before. We're both well-qualified with a good bit of experience too. Admittedly it's not that we're thinking of going to the UK - we'd be going much further afield. My family would be very upset, but I suppose it's something I'd work out with them, and I have brothers and sisters so it's not as bad in way.We'd get jobs set up for ourselves etc, before we went, so we wouldn't be just arriving into the country and hoping for the best.

I just want to know - am I being really selfish here? He does really want to go aswell, always has done, so I'm not pushing him into it. Our options are so limited, and both of us have worked really hard for the last few years and at our education. We don't want to sit here, watching it all go to ruin around us because of events that we can't control. We want to live our lives, get the most out of them.I do understand his mother's feelings, and I understand that he feels bad about it......I just don't know what to do now.

LegacyUser

Seems like a lot of people are emigrating these days. I've been away from Ireland for a few months now, far away. I started to suggest the idea to my family almost a year before I left because I knew they'd be devastated and they were very dependant on me. Even with that they still were in shock when I left.

My BF's family seemed less bothered by it but when the final day came there were tears all round, even his Dad who would NEVER cry.

I think everyone presumes that you'll be gone forever if you emigrate. I made it clear to my family that I would definitely be back to Ireland regardless. I think this helped in a way.

You need to talk to your families and lay down your plan. Get skype set up so that ye can all keep in touch. It will probably be a shock to his mother's system when he leaves but she will adapt just like my family have to.

I don't think you are being selfish, it's your future remember!! Just bear in mind that your BF's mother is probably really really upset about this. Of course she wants her only son to live down the road. The poor woman probably thinks she'll never see him again.

Good luck with your move!!

Beruthiel

Help!!!!!! wrote: »

his mother went nuts....

How dare she be so selfish and controlling.
Did she have her child just so she could keep him under her thumb until the day he dies?
Any parent would be upset and sad to see their child move away. But to actively control how they live their lives. Shocking behaviour to throw such a guilt trip on your child. Emotional blackmail.

My hubby is from another country. He's an only child. His father passed away some years back and his mother lives alone. She has friends and a life. Sure, she misses him, but she would never insist that he move back.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks Beruthiel.I'm hoping it was just an initial reaction to the idea......but I'm not sure.
We aren't planning to leave permanently,it would only be for maybe 2-3 years...maybe less if need be. It's not like we're going and never coming back, ever.Neither of us want that.This woman has a very limited life, maybe that's it. (as in, rarely goes too far from home etc-living in the country), although her husband works.

I just don't want to find us having to reverse all the plans we've made for our lives because of her, but neither do I want to find myself guilt-tripping my OH into going. Our relationship is a long one - 9 years - so it's not like I've just blown in the door either!

I just don't know if I'm the one being selfish here or not.People have said things to me like "oh you'd be taking your OH away from his parents, that's really hard for them"......as if I'm the one pushing this. But I'm really not, both of us are 100% behind making this decision.

crabfeet

The only thing to do is arrange to go and tell her after you have gone! She will soon get used to it.

Pebbles68

I'm not Irish but I've been living here 9 years now. What is it with Irish mothers and their sons? Not all of them, but so many I've met don't realise that their baby has grown up, become a man and has to make his own way in the world. It appears that your OH's mother only cares about herself and is using emotional blackmail to get what she wants. Shame on her.

astra2000

Oh my heart goes out to his parents he is their child and it will be like losing a part of themselves. I feel for your bf too an only child does bear more of a burden. However you and your bf cant live your lives completely around them. You need to talk to your bf and find out how strong he feels about staying/going. You or his parents need to take in to account his feelings. Possibly after such a reaction from them his mind may be completly changed, or maybe in a time he will feel different especially if his job goes. He also needs to be taking your feelings into consideration.
It doesnt sound as if ye are planning on taking off immediatly so if ye do decide to go his parents have time to come to terms with it. Involve them in your plans and that may help aleviate some of their worries.
I do agree that his parents are been unfair but it is out of love for their son not malice.

Zen65

crabfeet wrote: »

The only thing to do is arrange to go and tell her after you have gone! She will soon get used to it.

Actions like this can damage an otherwise healthy family relationship. OP's bf has had a relationship with his mother all his life, and whatever he may say about her the reality is that the relationship is important to both of them.

He was wrong to back down in the face of her disapproval of his plan, as it now makes it more difficult for him to go back and broach the matter again. But if he intends to go through with it then he really must talk to both his parents about this and make it clear that:

1. He is leaving because he feels he must in order to make a life for himself
2. It is not being done to make life harder for his parents
3. He is not looking for their approval, because as an adult he does not need it.
4. He wants them to understand it and support his move, which includes staying in touch with him regularly.

In time, parents usually accept the departure of their children. It is one of the most stressful events in an adult's life to see their kids emigrate, and especially in a one-child family. Calm, rational discussion without getting sucked into emotional arguments is the best way forward.

Be at peace,

Z

beks101

Hi OP,

Have you sat down with your OH and actually discussed his mother's reaction to your plans?

It sounds to me like he was just telling her what she wanted to hear to lessen the blow - it's his mother after all and he doesn't want to upset her.

You need to have a proper chat about this and don't feel one bit guilty or selfish in telling him that you are not willing to budge on it. It's both of your futures at stake here and you are completely right to make the move while you can - the country has likely nothing to offer you any time soon.

His mother will get over it. Trust me. I made the move abroad a few months ago and like you, had broached it about a year in advance and it was met with a bit of hostility at the time. Nothing like your OH's mother but enough to make me reconsider. But my family got over it and now that I've landed on my feet at the other side of the world - they couldn't be happier for me. Give her time. She'll get used to the idea. And if she doesn't, well that's her problem, not yours.

Emme

Go. I didn't emigrate or do long term travel when I was younger for that reason, I'm an only child and my parents health has always been rocky. Now I'm getting older and travelling isn't really an option as their health is getting worse.

I wish I could talk to your bf, I know the guilt trips, I've been down that road myself (my mother brought up her heart condition when I mentioned going to Oz with a friend in the late 90s) and so regret not going away. Please go, you can always come back in a few years.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I had a long chat with my OH yesterday, and we agreed that he needs to raise this issue again with his parents, as a serious thing, as something that is quite likely to happen. He's going to explain that it's not a "going away forever" thing, and that emigration nowadays is not what it was 40/50 years ago.They wouldn't be computer literate or anything, so he's going to explain to them about Skype and that kind of thing, and that we fully intend to come home in the not too distant future.

As I said to him, how is it different to if he had gone to them several years ago and said he wanted to take 18 months to go on a trip around the world or something?? Or that he wanted to go to Oz for a year? It's not that different. It's just when it's said as "emigration", they seem to view it as something totally different. They are living in an area of Ireland that saw massive emigration in the 60s/70s and it is viewed as some sort of ending to everything...that's it, you never lay eyes on the person again.They don't understand how much things have changed.

As I said, this is something we both want...we had discussed it long before either of us lost a job, before we bought our house, as something we wanted to do (live abroad for a couple of years). The timing seems right now, and added to that is the fact that we could make a better life for ourselves for a few years, hopefully ride out the worst of the storm (and to start with, allow me to get back to work again!). We won't be defaulting on mortgages or anything...if anything, the hope is to rent, and while we are abroad to top up the rent to pay off more of the mortgage....or even to save as much as possible while abroad and have a lump sum to pay off our mortgage when we return, taking us out of negative equity.The opportunity is there for us in the country we intend going to, and we really want to take it.

I really appreciate your opinions, sometimes it's hard to tell whether you're being unreasonable or not when you're this close to the situation. I don't want him to feel pushed into it by me, but nor do I want to sit back and let his mother control our lives like that.

As for those who can't understand Irish mammies and their sons - I agree 100%, it is beyond ridiculous.And I've promised myself (and still do, on a regular basis!) I will never be one of those mammies!Kids are all one and the same to me!

LegacyUser

Maybe his Mam was just shocked,
I mean there's an awful lot of doom and gloom at the moment and she is just worried that you will leave and never come back.

Have a proper conversation with her and the father and explain the situation, explain that you've been looking for work for so long and your OHs job.

They must know you're facing into trouble financially.

Give them time to adjust to the idea.

She will see that it is for the best.

metrovelvet

Ok I know emigration is not what it used to be, but from my perspective and from many others, it does look like those who do emigrate wont be coming back.

And like it or not geographic distance does change your relationship, there is no way around that.

Give her some time.