Recent breakup - need some advice.

AshSmith

My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me on saturday night, for me it was somewhat of a shocker (we slept together the night before and went on a date on the same day as the dumping!) However we had been fighting a lot over the last couple months etc but we always worked it out.

I had left a course I was doing and I am jobless, while he has 2 jobs and also goes to college. I became so demanding and jealous as even though I saw him quite a bit, I was never really involved in these aspects of his life, and I am bored out of my mind just thinking and thinking about anything, I looked to him a lot for my own happiness as I have a lack of friends.

So even though we had our problems I always just felt that we would just work it out, I did feel strained myself and it did bother me but we are so in love and want to work on it or so I thought.

Anyways after he left my home (I made him leave as I was in so much pain) I was hysterical, crying like mad, he wouldn't come back to me so we text for a bit, basically him saying 'im sorry i can't, its just too exhausting' and then me pleading for us to be saved etc (kinda irrational as I was distraught)

Anyways didnt text again properly until today, I asked him did we have hope the night before he said 'I dont know' I find out today that we have no hope, yet he loves me (I cant accept this, I feel if he loves me then we can work on it, maybe not be in such a serious relationship but still seeing eachother) and He also wants to be friends and isnt ready to see me yet but wants to next week.

I dont understand why he really wants to be friends, I have some friends saying he is playing mind games and is using me as an option incase he wants me in the near future. I dont know what to beleive as I know him better then they do, but then again he went ahead and split up with me so maybe I don't. So can we really be friends? Id like to think we can but I just dont know. I feel like a stranger to him now after all of this.He has half said he wants me back but he doesnt wanna get hurt again by me and cant give me a chance, i fully understand it, just felt our love was a little deeper and we could save us.

Any advice would be nice! (We are both 19)

Professional Griefer

Forget about him.

The excuses he used have been used so many times, even on me. He might just want to let you down as easy as possible, saying he still loves you, but won't meet up or anything.

But even if you don't want to leave it go, don't plague him, don't appear needy cause he could use that to his advantage.

Wompa1

I genuinely wanted to be friends with the girls I broke up with. I did care about them. But after the last one I learned cut all ties and get over it. In 4 or 5 months you'll be ready to love again after you've convinced yourself he was a miserable pr!ck that is.

I deeply love the girl I'm seeing now and broke up with her last Saturday too but ended up caving and giving it a second chance...

AshSmith

Yeah, I really just don't know what to feel. He isn't a bad person though at all, I know why we broke up and understand that I was the bad person bringing our relationship down.
I really do feel that he is genuinely wants to be friends, but that is actually be friends or is it too keep me around?
It just hurts so much you know, I really wanna get back together, according to him he just can't do it anymore. Only option i would even have is to stay friends with him and move on into other relationships.
It's my first proper break up and I just don't know how to handle it at all.
I know only me and him know our relationship, I just need any sort of advice or insight.

AshSmith

Ix Deadmau5 wrote: »

Forget about him.


But even if you don't want to leave it go, don't plague him, don't appear needy cause he could use that to his advantage.

I am trying so hard right now not to plead or beg or anything. The last couple days have been hell for me, as I felt he was happy already, he told me he isn't at all and its hard for him to let me go but his happiness comes first.
I am just basically trying not to text him at all and when I do I'm just being happy and nice to him. Its all I can really do, while I try move on too.

We're meeting up next wednesday, Not sure if he wants to see me or if he just saying yeah cos I want too!

Wompa1

If he says he's done that's it. I've been there before when you love somebody but the relationship starts to do you more mental harm than good. If he's working 2 jobs and going to college the last thing he probably wants is to be pestered.

I saw a girl before who worked but then got sick and was off work for months. She started to get really paranoid because I wouldn't have time to text during the day and stuff. I didn't love her but if it's the same sort of situation I can see how it could be draining for him. You want happy thoughts in your head about what waits you after work not dreading it.

You just have to move on. I wouldn't even try to be friends, it doesn't work.

AshSmith

Wompa1 wrote: »

If he says he's done that's it. I've been there before when you love somebody but the relationship starts to do you more mental harm than good. If he's working 2 jobs and going to college the last thing he probably wants is to be pestered.

I saw a girl before who worked but then got sick and was off work for months. She started to get really paranoid because I wouldn't have time to text during the day and stuff. I didn't love her but if it's the same sort of situation I can see how it could be draining for him. You want happy thoughts in your head about what waits you after work not dreading it.

You just have to move on. I wouldn't even try to be friends, it doesn't work.

Yeah, I guess that is what I needed to hear. It's just so hard at the moment cos it is so fresh

SparkyTech

Try to move on, as best as you can, and focus your energys on other positive things to help you get through this.

Best of luck

ire2010

AshSmith - I'm in the same boat (male side though). Just feels empty.

As for the lack of friends things, forget it!!! <SNIP>. Cheer each other up!!!

It'll just take time (I HOPE) just stay positive!

curlzy

Hey OP,

I seeing this from his side. I'm not trying to be mean so please don't take it that way.

He had:
2 jobs
Lots of friends
College
You

You had:
Him

See that? You built your life around him but he already had a full life. You need someone 100% if they're all you have and he didn't have 100% to give you!!! He doesn't sound like a bad person and you don't either, at all. You sound heartbroken and my heart goes out to you it really does. It's a horrible, painful place to be. So plan of action:

1. Sit and mope and eat chocolate for a couple days (that's it, no more),

2. Make yourself get up and find hobbies, mine are hula hooping and photography:D, investigate doing things you think you'd like, if you like animals volunteer at a rescue, if you like people volunteer at Samaritans etc, find something to take up your time and your mind. With that comes friends, inevitably. If you take something up but it's boring, just change to something else. I found most of my friends doing what I love.

You need to make the next while all about you, and making your life happy, fun and most all fulfilling.

3. Look for a job. I know it's beyond hard to get a job at the moment, but you could get lucky. This will also add another layer to your life.

Now, I think that if you follow that list or whatever list makes up your priorities, you will find your heartache fading and also your self esteem and confidence levels will go up and you'll feel much better. You could think about getting into a new relationship then but from the sounds of it your life was fairly empty and so work on that before getting into a relationship again. And who knows you could end up trying again with your ex (not that you should be waiting around for that) and you'll be in a much better place to have a healthy relationship.

Best of luck.

Canluum

AshSmith wrote: »

I really do feel that he is genuinely wants to be friends, but that is actually be friends or is it too keep me around?

Coming from his perspective, I've been there, his intentions are noble but his knowledge of these things are a bit lacking.
From my perspective with my ex... I'd invested so much time and emotion in her life and I genuinely cared about her (I suppose I still do). And to suddenly... say goodbye to all that. To tear away a big chunk of your life, as much as you know it's the right decision it's damn hard. This is his attempt at compromise. It seems logical but it just doesn't work that way. If there was any seriousness in the relationship it can't be like that.

AshSmith wrote: »

I am trying so hard right now not to plead or beg or anything. The last couple days have been hell for me, as I felt he was happy already, he told me he isn't at all and its hard for him to let me go but his happiness comes first.
I am just basically trying not to text him at all and when I do I'm just being happy and nice to him. Its all I can really do, while I try move on too.

I've been on this side of it too. Rest assured all the things you're feeling, as utterly horrible as they may be, are completely normal. I must say though, for a first break-up but handling it really maturely and pragmatically. You're acting just how a break-upee ideally should, for their own benefit. Kudos to you.

I'd echo other posters' points about not remaining friends... in a few years perhaps but not now. After your meeting (for closure or whatnot) it's time to start distancing yourself and cutting contact. Delete from facebook. If he asks you why, just tell him "sorry, it's nothing to do with you, it's just something I need to do", you'll both be grateful for it eventually too. Then hit the gym. A bit of weights and cardio provide a great distraction and a bugger load of endorphins and happy hormones that help your mood elevate significantly. It'll also build up some self-confidence and body-confidence which you'll be grateful for in the coming months.

AshSmith

Thanks everyone, I'm just finding it so difficult, He was my whole life for a while so I really just do not know how to deal with it. We both knew our problems and always fixed them, It hurts a lot that I want to fix us, He does too but won't let himself.

He told me he wants me still, yet when we are in contact I see him trying not too get reattached to me. I've cut off friendly contact (today would be only day one)
He says he wants to be friends, so I guess I'll see if he really does. We are meeting next week to give eachothers stuff back, but we are hanging out for an hour or so i think, I dont really know how to handle it, seeing as we have yet to speak in person about our breakup, I have a lot to say. I need to be care not to beg/plead but just get my own point across about it all. It'll be hard when i'll be crying my eyes out yet he can't comfort me the way he used to!

I'll always hope for more with him now(the sad thing is, the only thing keeping me going is hope we'll get back together one day soon, and it kills me.) after our meet up, I plan on cutting contact for a while (not sure how long) just so it gives us a chance to breath more. How should I approach this situation of meeting up?

Wompa1

AshSmith wrote: »

Thanks everyone, I'm just finding it so difficult, He was my whole life for a while so I really just do not know how to deal with it. We both knew our problems and always fixed them, It hurts a lot that I want to fix us, He does too but won't let himself.

He told me he wants me still, yet when we are in contact I see him trying not too get reattached to me. I've cut off friendly contact (today would be only day one)
He says he wants to be friends, so I guess I'll see if he really does. We are meeting next week to give eachothers stuff back, but we are hanging out for an hour or so i think, I dont really know how to handle it, seeing as we have yet to speak in person about our breakup, I have a lot to say. I need to be care not to beg/plead but just get my own point across about it all. It'll be hard when i'll be crying my eyes out yet he can't comfort me the way he used to!

I'll always hope for more with him now(the sad thing is, the only thing keeping me going is hope we'll get back together one day soon, and it kills me.) after our meet up, I plan on cutting contact for a while (not sure how long) just so it gives us a chance to breath more. How should I approach this situation of meeting up?

Do speak your mind. Be as honest and open on this as you are with us. I don't know how much you're willing to do to get him back but maybe you could suggest that you try going to counselling. Tivoli run a very cheap counselling service. I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with you but a counseller could help you contain your needy behaviour, they can suggest ways to divert your thoughts when you feel needy or whatever...tell him you really want to make this work and love him. You will do whatever it takes. Suggest you seeing someone to help pull back the behaviour...see how that flies.

AshSmith

Wompa1 wrote: »

Do speak your mind. Be as honest and open on this as you are with us. I don't know how much you're willing to do to get him back but maybe you could suggest that you try going to counselling. Tivoli run a very cheap counselling service. I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with you but a counseller could help you contain your needy behaviour, they can suggest ways to divert your thoughts when you feel needy or whatever...tell him you really want to make this work and love him. You will do whatever it takes. Suggest you seeing someone to help pull back the behaviour...see how that flies.

As side from the break up, I need counselling, and am getting family help to start it, I've been on and off depressed for years now (only really properly coming to light now, thankfully though) and It ruined our relationship, I'm not the person he fell in love with and I know it. I have expressed it to him, but I want to calmly without pleading with him etc, I'll try say it to him when I see him anyway and see how it goes, for now we're not talking unless he talks to me etc.

Wompa1

AshSmith wrote: »

As side from the break up, I need counselling, and am getting family help to start it, I've been on and off depressed for years now (only really properly coming to light now, thankfully though) and It ruined our relationship, I'm not the person he fell in love with and I know it. I have expressed it to him, but I want to calmly without pleading with him etc, I'll try say it to him when I see him anyway and see how it goes, for now we're not talking unless he talks to me etc.

Try not to cry. You probably will but try your best not to. He's going to go into the conversation thinking to hold his ground. If you cry it gives everything a different dynamic, The switch will go off in his head that you can't be rational if your that upset and he'll talk to you but will be thinking of how to I get away from her.

Zen65

AshSmith wrote: »

I had left a course I was doing and I am jobless, while he has 2 jobs and also goes to college. I became so demanding and jealous as even though I saw him quite a bit, I was never really involved in these aspects of his life, and I am bored out of my mind just thinking and thinking about anything, I looked to him a lot for my own happiness as I have a lack of friends.

OP,

I hope you do not see my advice as being heartless, I assure you I mean it with respect and understanding. You're asking the wrong questions in your post. At 19, there is no reason why either of you should be trying to salvage this relationship. You were not even 18 when that relationship started, and it has run its course. It's finished, be glad of the good times and move on.

Your problem (IMHO) is that you are not happy with your life. This bf was being used by you as a substitute for living your own life, and that wore him out and will wear out the next guy too. You need to decide who you are, what you want to be doing with your life, and then act on those wishes so that in your next relationship you play the role of an equal partner, sharing your life, rather than your current role of dependent partner, living through your bf.

At 19 your relationships should teach you about yourself, teach you how to compromise, and how to love and to share. If you look to those relationships to give you too much you can quickly stagnate in your own development, and your independence, your own self-worth, and your potential can go suppressed for a long time, leading to all sorts of future unhappiness.

Get up, get out and make friends with people. You need to create the foundation on which future relationships might stand. Give your new ex the space you both need to repair yourselves and get busy living.


Be at peace,

Z

AshSmith

Thanks everyone. I ran into him today for ten minutes by pure accident, didn't go down to well. Anyways, I'm coming to terms with it slowly, my mornings and night times consist of me staring at my phone and crying but all in all my days are good, my family have been such a good help keeping me busy.

I let him know I agree with the break up but I feel like **** cos I'm not ready to let go just yet, but I'll get there. We plan on being friends, but I'm going to stop hounding him and when we do talk it won't be open him and I as a couple.
I can't wait to move on now and I'm so sad!

In terms of fixing my own issues and problems, My brother mentioned counselling and I am going to go, needs to be organised but one step at a time.
I feel positive already, slowly but surely.

Thanks everyone again!

shebango

Canluum wrote: »

I must say though, for a first break-up but handling it really maturely and pragmatically. <snip>.

How cruel of you to make an example of another poster who is genuinely in pain. He is doing the best he can with what he is dealing with right now. How dare you be so mean and insulting. Shame on you.

Ickle Magoo

Canluum infracted.

Shebango, if you have an issue with a post please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

Many thanks.
Ickle

AshSmith

shebango wrote: »

How cruel of you to make an example of another poster who is genuinely in pain. He is doing the best he can with what he is dealing with right now. How dare you be so mean and insulting. Shame on you.

I don't think he was being to mean.
I'm not sure who you're referring to either, as I'm a girl :P
Don't worry about it!

shebango

AshSmith wrote: »

I don't think he was being to mean.
I'm not sure who you're referring to either, as I'm a girl :P
Don't worry about it!

He had linked someone else's thread and made a comparison between the two. I'm sure the poster of the other thread would have felt it was mean. I wasn't referring to you.

Canluum

In retrospect it wasn't quite kosher of me, apologies.

AshSmith

Thanks everyone, I'm becoming more positive and somewhat agreeing with his choice, It still hurts and I would change it all if I could but I am coming to terms with it slowly.
The worst is becoming friends, yet he won't contact me, so i'm keeping busy all the time and just not looking at my phone, I'm refusing to contact him as I know it is better for him and me if i don't and when he is ready, he'll be ready.

Thanks everyone again!

Hamiltonion

I was in the same position as you 4 months ago and listened to no ones advice, kept meeting up, feeling sorry for myself, checking facebook, drinking to excess etc. We were together for a year but lived together for 7 months.

Its only in the last month I've began to feel better and its because I've been getting out there, seeing friends and meeting new girls. I just need to start studying again now and knock the drinking on the head and I should be pretty sorted. I do miss her still, but I know its unhealthy to go back there and I've been having a good time with other girls.

Its a long road but do cut them out completely, easier said than done though.

Best of luck mate