No Sex in marriage

whats happenin

Im a 30 yr old male and my wife is 29yr old, we have two young kids who are our world. We are only married 3.5 years, but we almost never make love. once a month if im lucky but usually once every 2-3 months.

We are typical parents, we both work and do our best for our kids.

The problem is that I am always the 1 who looks for a sex. I have tried everything from asking, not asking, begging, weekends away. I have suggested anything I can think of. But she is either tired, not in the mood, pmt, not interested, dont like condoms, dont want to go on the pill, the sheets on the bed are just changed, oh the list goes on....

When we do make love we always enjoy ourselves and she always says that she will make more of an effort in the future, but 2months later its the same old story.

We are both fairly fit and look after ourselves.

I have stopped looking for any cuddle or anything for the last 6-8 weeks and she has never mentioned it either. If I do go and ask her she will say that im a sex addit or like a dog.. I have lost all ideas, and starting to lose interest in her and sex. We are only young but she acts like a granny (& not katie wassels granny either!!!!!!!:D)

Has any body in the same position or can give me a idea of how to change this. She says that we are normal parents & that no parents have sex as much.

Zeouterlimits

Depending on the people in the relationship this can have a range of levels of seriousness.
Does she seem happy with you but without sex?

I think you have to try sit her down and make her understand how important intimacy and making love is to your and your relationship with her.
Ask her to see a relationship counselor if there isn't a simple answer, that you want to work through this in a fair way.

The fact that she calls you a sex addict or dog strikes me as bizarre and unfair.

whats happenin

Hi Zeouterlimits,
I have suggested all of the above and more.

We get on well, we have our ups & downs, but overall we get on well and are happy. Its just the sex part of the relationship. If i show any interest im a "hound dog"........
To me sex is the best way to relax and enjoy yourself and when we do it, we always enjoy it..

Zen65

whats happenin wrote: »

Has any body in the same position or can give me a idea of how to change this. She says that we are normal parents & that no parents have sex as much.

OP, it's different for every couple, and it depends a lot on the age of the kids. If your wife is full-time working and also looking after two very young children (are they both under 3?) then the plain fact is that she's going to be exhausted at the end of the day, and that does not bode well for your sexual relationship.

This is the sort of difficulty that is rarely mentioned in the instruction booklets for raising kids!

Certainly you need to sit down and talk to your wife about this, but without putting any pressure on her (simply put - any pressure from you at a time when she is already under pressure and tired from managing the kids will have a negative effect). Try to find out how she's feeling generally about your relationship, not just about your sex lives. If she feels tired all the time, explore whether there is anything you can do about this..... can you schedule a regular weekly break for her ...... a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday to get out and meet with her friends (or just go shopping) while you mind the kids?

If she only sees herself as a mother, rather than as a sexual adult, then she's not going to want to be sexual with you.

In any discussion, it's important not to lay blame at her door. Nor should you accept any blame for your wants & needs (calling you a sex addict/dog is off the wall when you seem to almost have the sex life of a Buddhist monk). Behind it all, if she loves you, and if you still love each other, she will most likely come around to rediscovering the woman she used to be. Patience and support from you is key to coming out of this experience with a strong, loving relationship still intact.


Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

Zen65 wrote: »

(calling you a sex addict/dog is off the wall when you seem to almost have the sex life of a Buddhist monk)

P.S. At the risk of offending fellow Buddhists, or OP's wife, let me point out that the above was said in jest, OK?



Z

magneticimpulse

you must have had sex at some stage if you have 2 kids.

I mean could be worse, could be me who has been single for 2 years will be 30 in 2 weeks and not had sex for 2 years. Lots of people dont have sex in their lives, its not the end of the world.

Nevyn

magneticimpulse you have been warned previously, post in a manner which is helpful to the OP and do not make every thread an excuse to talk about your own situation.
doing this agian will result in a ban.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Nevyn

When there are small kids this happens, yes it's hard going rearing them until they get to school age and it can take a lot out of the parents so they are just too tired. It's not uncommon for women post baby, esp if they have had two close together to have a decline in libido it's like thier body says enough for now.

Plenty of parent do have active sexlives, I think the idea that a sexless marriage 'normal' is very wrong. Have you tried pitching in more with the kids and the house work
so she is less tired and of giong back to wooing her?

Jenneke87

Thaedydal wrote: »

Have you tried pitching in more with the kids and the house work
so she is less tired and of giong back to wooing her?

Which by itself is a nice idea but I think this will only put more pressure on his wife. No doubt she´ll realise he´s only doing this to get sex.

I think the kindest thing you can do for you wife at the moment is just letting her sleep! at night, instead of pressuring her to perform in the bedroom when she can barely keep her eyes open. When children come round, sexlife will often decline, which is something, I think, men really need to start understanding. You can´t expect your wife to work, look after the kids, cook your dinner, wash and iron your clothes, do the rest of the household and still be a star in the bedroom at night, something gotta give! I know most will try to do their bit around the house, but study after study will reveal women still do the majority. Its not fair to put all those expectations on your wife.

LegacyUser

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Its not fair to put all those expectations on your wife.

Of course it's fair to expect to have sex with your wife :S

omahaid

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I think, men really need to start understanding. You can´t expect your wife to work, look after the kids, cook your dinner, wash and iron your clothes, do the rest of the household and still be a star in the bedroom at night, something gotta give! I know most will try to do their bit around the house, but study after study will reveal women still do the majority. Its not fair to put all those expectations on your wife.

I'm sorry to say it but usual gender biased rubbish. Where does the OP say he expects his wife to "work, look after the kids, cook your dinner, wash and iron your clothes, do the rest of the household and still be a star in the bedroom at night"? As a husband and father myself, I'm insulted by the insinuation that men expect women to raise the kids and do all the housework.

Me and my wife have children and kids are not the struggle you make them out to be. A couple that love each other and are attracted to each other will want to make the time to be intimate. No way is every 2-3 months normal.

The OP says one of the excuses is

the sheets on the bed are just changed

This is a lame excuse. OP, there is something else up, perhaps something your wife should discuss with her GP, perhaps she isn't attracted to you anymore. If she isn't willing to talk about it then I would view this as a bigger problem than the lack of sex. Couples who cannot be honest with each other are in trouble.

Canluum

Jenneke87 wrote: »

You can´t expect your wife to work, look after the kids, cook your dinner, wash and iron your clothes, do the rest of the household and still be a star in the bedroom at night, something gotta give! I know most will try to do their bit around the house, but study after study will reveal women still do the majority. Its not fair to put all those expectations on your wife.

What a load of trollop. You're making wild assumptions, suggesting he has an unequal household. "Study after study"... what? Show me one. Not in this generation sweety...

Let's assume rather that they divide housework/childcare/financial support somewhere down the middle. Going on this then the OP's reduced interest in sex should be equivalent to his wife's. But clearly this isn't the case and vindicating it with misandrist gender stereotypes is not constructive.

OP sit down with your wife, explain how you feel unloved/unwanted etc., that this is a very big deal for you and you would like to go to a sex-positive couples counsellor. If she agrees then set up an appointment immediately.

A quick google found this: http://www.mrcs.ie/site/sex-therapy/

Nevyn

Canluum if you are going to refute or question another posters post, please do so with out the being condescending, it's not helpful.

ztoical

OP how recently was your last child born? How close together age wise are your children? Was there any issues with either pregnacny or the birth? Could your wife be suffering from depression from the birth or a fear of falling pregnant again?

Canluum

Thaedydal wrote: »

Canluum if you are going to refute or question another posters post, please do so with out the being condescending, it's not helpful.

You're right of course, apologies.

Miss Fluff

omahaid wrote: »

A couple that love each other and are attracted to each other will want to make the time to be intimate. No way is every 2-3 months normal.

I couldn't agree more.

I think your wife is being totally unreasonable and very unfair. You're both in your prime and while I understand that small kids take up a lot of energy, they shouldn't be given sole attention to the detriment of everything else. No way!

I know my parents have a great marriage, and they always made time for themselves as a couple by having regular date nights when we were kids and going off by themselves and ensuring that they did romantic things. That's what makes a happy marriage. You both have to make that effort.

I think you need to really discuss this with your wife and as a matter of urgency. And I'm not suggesting you discuss it with a raging hard-on when she has spurned your advances yet again. You need to psyche her up for "a talk" away from the bedroom and in the cold light of day. You need to ask her how long does she expect this to continue and between you come to a mutually agreeable conclusion. If not, then I think you could really both do with going to see a psychosexual counsellor. Lack of sex is really seriously corrosive on a relationship and best to nip this in the bud now rather than let it go on any further.