Confidence with girls?

LegacyUser

Why is that I have no problem making girls I find unattractive laugh til they're nearly dead but any girl I find attractive I can't seem to make laugh at anything I say. Ok, that's untrue to an extent. I'm not the funniest guy in the world, I'll be the 1st to admit that, but I am quite funny without trying. I don't go around trying to make people laugh all the time. Generally I just respond to something and it makes people laugh. I was thinking about this in college earlier and most of the girls I would "fancy" I find very difficult to make them laugh but if I'm talking to a girl who I don't find very attractive, I can't seem to make them laugh at all. Similar thing with guys, if I see a guy I want to be friends with, I can't seem to be great friends with them or I feel almost "inferior" to them somehow but guys I have no opinion on, I feel more confident around?

Is this basically a confidence issue? Could I basically be coming off as being too much to these girls without meaning to or even realising it? I mean it's not as if I stare at their chest while I'm talking to them, I treat them with respect and I don't notice any changes in my behaviour. It's crazy. Similarly, I have no problem flirting with girls I'm unattracted to but girls I am attracted to I seem to bottle up and can't think of anything to say nor can I hold eye contact with them. I don't even know how to chat someone up, I think.

So, anyone have any pointers?

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat. i was with a girl for years and I was always making her mates and mine laugh, I'm pretty much to the point and I say stuff how I see it. anyway i'm single the last few months, i can still make my mates laugh no hassle. But i'm crashing and burning with anyone i'v an interest in. I was chattin to a stunner at the weekend, instead of laughing joking and then trying to lob the gob. I got into a heated debate about fecking jurisprudence. I hate Jurisprudence.

I reckon the only reason I do this is that by brain tells me to cop on when I'm talking to an attractive lady, and it wont allow me be usual crude slightly rude self.

I just hope its a phase and I grow out of it!

LegacyUser

"I reckon the only reason I do this is that by brain tells me to cop on when I'm talking to an attractive lady, and it wont allow me be usual crude slightly rude self."

Something like the above is true. One gets a bit more uptight when they feel that it matters which, ironically, is the last thing you want to do. The answer is to relax, which is very difficult. One suggestion is to remind yourself whilst talking to them that this person isn't anything superior to anyone else you talk to, so why should you hold them in such high regard? i.e. you need some sort of trick to get you in the same mindset that you would be around someone that you aren't attracted to. It's difficult, but I think it helps to some degree.

LegacyUser

confidenceissues wrote: »

I was thinking about this in college earlier and most of the girls I would "fancy" I find very difficult to make them laugh but if I'm talking to a girl who I don't find very attractive, I can't seem to make them laugh at all.

I obviously meant that line to be :

but if I'm talking to a girl who I don't find very attractive, I can't seem to make them stop laughing.

Slight exaggeration but ye, I have no problems making people I'm not attracted to laugh.

hallboon... I get exactly what you mean. I was talking to a girl last night about the stupidest stuff going because I "froze" up and couldn't think of anything funny or interesting. I was talking about locking your bike up because they got robbed at the weekend. Where the hell did that come from? It's funny because it's so odd. Hell I was boring myself talking to her. Contrast that with 5 minutes earlier and I was having a great laugh with my friends about god knows what.

I try not to act different but I seem to go out of my way to be nice to them or talk about the most mundane things ever (above) because I don't want to potentially offend them. I try to think of it in their shoes - if some girl was being overly nice to me for no good reason and I didn't know them at all then I'd be wary or find them a bit strange. And if someone was talking to me about bikes being stolen as a chat up then I'd move on pretty quickly too. It's all good saying it now though, when it's "live" as in right then and there it's pretty fecking hard to change your habits.

also the same... Any tips on how to change your mindset?

Thanks for replies.

kowloon

Maybe part of the problem is that, without knowing it, you are actively trying to amuse the women you find attractive whereas around everyone else you are mre relaxed and therefore, funnier.

LegacyUser

It's pretty simple really... the girls you don't like find you hilarious because you're not trying to "win them over". You're keeping yourself amused, you probably don't care what they think (good or bad) and aren't afraid of saying anything that will "ruin your chances" with them. That's all pretty cool stuff to do!!

With the girls you like, you want them to approve of you so you say things that you wouldn't usually say, or you say things you think they'll "like", rather than just say things you yourself find amusing.

With the girls you like you're displaying reactive approval seeking behaviour. And even tho it's a subtle difference, they'll pick up on it. And that's pretty unattractive!!

Solution - don't worry about what you say to them. Next time you're chatting with them and find yourself thinking "oops.. better not say that", come out with it anyway. And make no apology for it. If they take it the wrong way don't grovel and get down on your knees to apologise, it'll only make you look weak.

Relax, have fun and don't treat her differently because she's good looking. Any chump can get lucky on the genetic lottery!

LegacyUser

Unregged1000 wrote: »

It's pretty simple really... the girls you don't like find you hilarious because you're not trying to "win them over". You're keeping yourself amused, you probably don't care what they think (good or bad) and aren't afraid of saying anything that will "ruin your chances" with them. That's all pretty cool stuff to do!!

With the girls you like, you want them to approve of you so you say things that you wouldn't usually say, or you say things you think they'll "like", rather than just say things you yourself find amusing.

With the girls you like you're displaying reactive approval seeking behaviour. And even tho it's a subtle difference, they'll pick up on it. And that's pretty unattractive!!

Solution - don't worry about what you say to them. Next time you're chatting with them and find yourself thinking "oops.. better not say that", come out with it anyway. And make no apology for it. If they take it the wrong way don't grovel and get down on your knees to apologise, it'll only make you look weak.

Relax, have fun and don't treat her differently because she's good looking. Any chump can get lucky on the genetic lottery!

I agree with you re: reactive approval seeking behaviour. I have noticed myself almost looking for their approval even though I don't even mean to do so.

Thing is as well, I don't ever think "oops...better not say that", my mind just goes blank when I'm talking to them. It's stupid really.

I just need to relax and I'll do fine. I always think that talking to girls I find attractive is easy when I'm not in front of them but when I'm faced with them, I freeze up. As you said, don't treat her differently because she's good looking yet I can't help but sometimes feel that they're deitific because they're attractive. Stupid but I can't seem to get myself out of this mindset. I'm a good looking guy and people don't treat me differently as a result so why should it be the same for these girls? It is different for men and women granted but still it's only different because we're making it different in our own heads I feel sometimes.

I don't know. It's so clear right now but when faced with it then and there all those ideas go out the window.

Blatter

I think most people have this issue, but to varying degrees. Most people underestimate the power of the subconscious mind, it really is an extremely powerful phenomenon.

The only thing I can advise you to do is to read some books about confidense and the subconscious mind. If you understand how it all works, you'll be in a better position to alter your ego.