Housemate affection part II

LegacyUser

In order to avoid the hijacking of this (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056095575) thread, I am starting a new one.

Regular poster here. After empathising with the OP of that thread, I thought I'd give my story and see what people here thought. Like that thread, I get on really well with my housemate, we've become close friends and recently I realised I like her a good deal more than 'just friends'.

To make the situation a bit more complicated she has a boyfriend. I get the feeling that they blow hot and cold with each other, and her affection for him varies a lot. To get to the point an opportunity arose recently. we were both sharing a bottle (or two!) and she made a vague statement about how she thought I was a nice guy (vague in the sense that it was a wine induced conversation and seemed like more-than-friends-type-nice but could be construed either way). Things were fairly cosy so it was likely to be the former but being a coward I didn't make a move which I regret. I'm now in the unfortunate situation of being smitten with my housemate, and having blown a chance. Despite there being a boyfriend on the scene (of undetermined importance) I don't know whether to try and do something, or forget about it and move on. She has made comments in the past that would suggest that she is not 100% happy in her relationship, which has left me throwing around a million different scenarios of what I should do in my head.

I don't want to start breaking up a relationship. What is eating me up inside not knowing what her feelings really are and if she is interested, I would like to find out.

Any ideas on how to approach this situation (I don't want to ask her outright), or whether I should just forget about it are appreciated. If people think this all in the head then those coments are welcome too.

S23

Sorry to rain on your parade OP but it would appear to me in this instance, as in many others here on this section, that you are reading too much into an unrequited affection/love.

To make the situation a bit more complicated she has a boyfriend. I get the feeling that they blow hot and cold with each other, and her affection for him varies a lot.

Do you? That's handy, it suits you to think that she could take or leave her boyfriend. The fact is shes dating him and if she didn't want to be then she'd pack it in.

To get to the point an opportunity arose recently. we were both sharing a bottle (or two!) and she made a vague statement about how she thought I was a nice guy (vague in the sense that it was a wine induced conversation and seemed like more-than-friends-type-nice but could be construed either way)

She said you're a nice guy? It's hardly a big deal. It's not a vague statement. It just is what it is. I think you'd prefer it to be ambiguous but I can't see how you could construe it to be so. Again another case of people reading more into things than there actually is there because of their unrequited feelings for the subject at hand. I've read a million of these 'oh but you should have seen the way he/she looked at me, I know there is something there' or 'oh but the way he/she touched me on the forearm means I know there is something between us' type comments on here and 90% of the time (or more) it turns out to be absolutely nothing grounded in reality

She said you're a nice guy. That's the start and finish of it. Surely you don't try and kiss/jump every woman that has ever said you are a nice guy or words to that effect.

You didn't blow a chance. It's not up to you to surmise that the boyfriend on the scene is of 'undetermined importance'. He's important enough for her to be in a relationship with him. End of story. As for the comments she made that make you think shes not 100% happy. Obviously I don't know what they were but I'd take a fair guess (based on the rest of what you've posted) that you're reading something into nothing as with some of the other stuff you've mentioned.

You're throwing around a million scenarios in your head but unfortunately that is the only place they exist. In your head.

If shes interested you'll find out in the fullness of time. If he relationship is on the rocks or she doesn't care about him then it will end and an organic chance for you to pursue this girl will arise. Until then leave well alone. You don't want to be the lad who tries to hook up with girls who are clearly attached and gets told to fcuk off now do you? You make any big move or grand gesture and you risk losing her as a friend too.

It's difficult having a crush on someone you spend a lot of time with but is attached. I think we've all had that happen us at some stage. I'm not ruling out the chance she might be single in the future and something might happen.

If we knew how long shes been dating this BF and how old the pair of them are it might help us ascertain some idea of the level of seriousness of the realtionship.

Anyway, keep your powder dry and hang fire would be my advice. There is nothing there to suggest you should go wading in with this girl. If she was single it might be different but shes not.

Merowig

As long as she is in a relationship it sounds senseless to pursue her.

Andi n case you are making a move and are rejected it might be that the situation in the house becomes really awkward.

afatbollix

Hi OP

I ment to reply in my thread but forgot.. So sorry about that.

I am going to pretty much going to kinda type what you want to hear and what I would do.

First off don't go near while she has the boyfriend unless she initiates it. She will more than likely stick with the BF and your left in the house with her not a good situation. If I was you I would start with a bit of propaganda. Just small hints but try convince that he's not worth it. If it is on the rocks all ready it should be easy to do.

As you said in my thread you said that friends of yours see that's its pretty obvious that the two of ye have a spark, Go on that keep it going build it up more.


But sure what do I know :pac: I'm just as bad as you...

S23

afatbollix wrote: »

If I was you I would start with a bit of propaganda. Just small hints but try convince that he's not worth it. If it is on the rocks all ready it should be easy to do.

That's a horrendous piece of advice. If that's the way you think then you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Try thinking and acting like an adult a little bit more and you'll go further in your inter personal relationships and life in general.

Fouloleron

Ok Op,

Im going to do you a favour, I may be a bit blunt, but please listen as I have been in this very situation before and I think i know what might help.

1.First, if she has a boyfriend you should back off!

She has a boyfriend for a reason and its because she likes him, if she wanted to be with, she would not be going out with him (like all she did is say you were a nice guy, by this she means you are a nice guy and friend).

Boyfriends usually dislike their g/f's "single male friend" for a reason and your just proving why, (case in point you nearly tried it on while she was a bit drunk, some B/f's would slap you for that).

2. Do not poo on your own door step

You live with her, if it didnt work out, you would still have to live with her. Think about how ackward that would be.

3. Their are lots of better girls out there

Forget about her man, move out or just grab a few male friends and go on the pull.

Again she has not given you any indication that she is interested in you (beleave me, you would know if she did) let alone that she will finish her relationship for you, why cause drama?

You can wreck your own head by trying it on and risking trouble down the road, or doing what is best and finding someone else ( Its what I did and its a far better choice).

shebango

Fouloleron wrote: »

Do not poo on your own door step

This.

Miss Fluff

There are two very good reasons blatantly staring you in the face as to why this isn't a good idea.

1. She is not available as she has a boyfriend

2. She is your housemate

You're putting 1 + 1 together here and coming up with 7. You had a few drinks in the gaff with her and she said you're a nice guy, that's where it begins and ends by the sounds of things tbh...

Ickle Magoo

I'd go further - women who fancy the pants off a man don't refer to him as "nice". Nice is what you call guys that you think should have a girlfriend when you have no intention of ever being that girl.

Imo, she's relaxed with you because you know she has a boyfriend and is off the market, not because she's secretly lusting after you. You may think her relationship blows hot and cold because I'm guessing as a flatmate in passing conversations you are only going to hear about the extremes.

Sorry OP, not what you want to hear.

LegacyUser

hi all,

OP here. You're all right. At the back of my mind I probably knew that was the sensible thing, but I think I just needed someone else to say it and put my mind straight.

I'm going to leave things as they are. We get on well and as you all say, there's no point risking a good house situation for something that has a high probability of going horribly wrong.

Thanks for the advice.

LegacyUser

ophere_justtosay thanks wrote: »

hi all,

OP here. You're all right. At the back of my mind I probably knew that was the sensible thing, but I think I just needed someone else to say it and put my mind straight.

I'm going to leave things as they are. We get on well and as you all say, there's no point risking a good house situation for something that has a high probability of going horribly wrong.

Thanks for the advice.

Good to hear op,

As it was said earlier, grab a few mates and go out and enjoy yourself. Hopefully you will meet someone soon