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The Candle Flickers (opinions please)

  • 23-11-2010 08:51PM
    #1
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭


    Just wrote this tonight and would appreciate people's opinions on it. Thank you.

    The Candle Flickers

    The candle flickers;
    its wick and flame dancing a waltz
    to some unheard symphony.
    They stand together, side by side,
    against the impending darkness of night;
    yet one cannot survive without the other.
    For one brief moment they appear as one-
    Such simplistic beauty near forgotten.
    Yet the flame dims as the wick burns down
    until eventually it casts it’s final light;
    a tendril of smoke raises from the wick
    as the flame draws its final breath.


Comments

  • #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    39 views but no comments. Hm.


  • #3
    DonnieScribbles
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 537 ✭✭✭DonnieScribbles


    Sometimes with poetry like this, based around one central image - in your case a candle - it may be better to be more abstract in the description of the image. Imply through your verse that it is a candle, without actually saying it's a candle! It's more rewarding for the reader, well, I find it is anyway :)

    Also, I'm not sure about the meter. The last line reads awkwardly for me. The line 'yet one cannot survive without the other' seems a bit superfluous too.

    Descriptively it works, I can see it, maybe just tell us a little less.

    Is it a representation of impermanence? That was my reading anyway.


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