Bad judge of character?

LegacyUser

I'm good at meeting new people and I'm outgoing and a happy person in general. I'm great at making new friends and I find it very easy to bond with a new person, it comes to me quite easily.

However for some reason, after maybe a year or so, I start noticing things about the new friend that I dislike. Then I start to resent them, and then finally I phase them out completely or just move on and have less contact.

I thought this was normal enough until I realised it happens to me all the time. I'm in the middle of it happening to me with 2 friends that until recently I was very fond of, but now I am seeing their flaws and I'm really turning off being friends with them anymore. Harsh I know.

I have maybe 3 core friends that haven't changed, or gone through this withdrawal process, but I still keep them at arms length and only meet them maybe once a month or less even.

Why do I do this? Is it because I make friends too quickly with people and then realise that I don't really gel with them after all? Or am I just a crappy judge of character and get sucked in by people at the beginning of a friendship? I feel really bad about this because maybe I'm too harsh, or maybe every single one of those girls was just not meant to be my friend?

cafecolour

Well it's sort of normal to have a few close friends, and then have others that come and go, though it sounds a little different in your case. I feel like I keep a few core friends, and then have different other, more casual friends (drinking buddies or party friends as like to call them), come and go.

It's a hard question to answer, as there could be a multitude of answers:

- Perhaps you are a commitment-phobe, and this is your unconscious way of avoiding getting too close to someone (and having to reveal too much of yourself).

- Maybe you just like 'new' things, and every year you feel like circulating new friends

- Maybe you spend too much time with one person (i.e. a new friend), and burnout on them

- As you meet people easily, maybe these are more 'party friends', and as you get closer to them, you realize you don't have much in common beyond the surface.

As for being a bad judge of character, can you give an example of the sorts of things you suddenly 'realize' that turn you off?

LegacyUser

I'm the same as you I guess.

I meet loads of people and befriend people quite quickly - I'm usually a good judge of character though.

I think the issue might be that the "new" might seem more attractive than the "old". New people, or the idea of new people comes across as exciting. You hear new stories, new jokes and are opened up to new ideas.

You have loads to talk about.

As you get to know people better, their personality starts coming through more. That includes faults and tics and the initial euphoria (too strong a word) of making a new best friend dies off.

That leads one to putting them up on a bit of a pedestal maybe and having unrealistic expectations of them - you're basically investing too much in them too soon. Then as you've less new stuff to talk about, the just become the real people that they are, not the perfect image you have of them.

That core of 3 friends is what you should be concentrating on. These 3 may well annoy you but you've put up with it over the years because well, you just do and you don't notice is as much (much like a frog being boiled). Nobody's perfect. Now that you're older and have attitudes and opinions that are more set in stone, you are more judgemental of new people.

I've a new friend of a year and man, she is a lovely person. Soemtimes she really annoys me by suggesting things for me ("you know what you shoudl do"). Now, I learn to put up with it because well, the pros outweigh the cons.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I suppose I was thinking I'm a bad judge of character because some of the 'friends' turned out to be not very nice. One was (in hindsight) a real bully and my bf and others said it to me but I ignored it because I liked her and she was good in other ways. When I look back now on things it's shocking though how she was and how I allowed her to treat me. I don't understand why I didn't realise?

Maybe I'm naive and a bit too trusting and I always try to be more cynical and wary of new people but I can't help it, I seem to fall into these friendships and then get burnt by them.

What can I do to change this pattern of behaviour?

LegacyUser

Sorry to bump but would really appreciate more views on this.

I had a good think and maybe it's something to do with the fact that I hate fighting with them too, and sometimes it seems easier to just let the friendship go?