Is this an indication of violence to come?

LegacyUser

I'm with my partner almost ten years. Usually our relationship us very good. We get on really well, have fun together, rely on each other. We trust each other and love each other very much.

We normally don't have rows, we are usually very good at discussing problems.

A few months ago, we were having a row in the car, he got very frustrated and slammed on the brakes and took a very quick turn to bring the car home. I got such a fright. It was on a small country road with no other cars around, but I couldn't help but feel he had put me and other road users at risk out of stupidity.

A couple of weeks after this, another row, he picked the dog up to throw him out the back. He didn't hurt him, but really scared him with agressive lifting him and putting him out for no reason, shouting etc. I felt this time that he had again taken his frustration out in a very inappropiate way.

Then a few nights ago, we had another row. I started it, and we both had drink. I admit to over reacting to something but I still don't think it justifies his behaviour. He put his fist through the door, and broke 2 of his fingers.

I brought him to hospital the next day, all I said on the subject was that I was sorry for over-reacting and I know I started the row but that I would not accept that sort of behaviour in the house, no matter what I would not live with a man I feel I have to fear.

He agrees, said it was his fault he hurt himself and he had no excuse to react like that.

I've asked if something is bothering him, if he wants to talk about anything, maybe I make him angry and would he like a while with me out of the house to think about our relationship, is there anything I can do for him etc. He insists he loves me, wants to marry me (date set early next year) and is very happy with me. He had a bit of family trouble lately but I don't know it it would make him that angry.

We are nowhere near splitting up and there is no anger there now, or even the next day. We've made up, it's a silly row that got out of hand, but what I wanted to ask is how others would deal with it. Was it enough that I let him know I don't think the behaviour is ok? Do you think I should be worried?

Canluum

In answer to your title: no. Nor should you fear, as scary as a man enraged might look he's still your loving husband and I seriously don't believe it anything close to an indicator of impending domestic abuse!

Yes he's being inappropriate. He's being a bit of a pleb and not controlling his anger-issues. We've all done it. I've turned over beds and put dents in walls. When you've got testosterone moving through your veins and you feel frustrated at your seemingly stunted communication skills it's natural to act out. Women will tend to cry in these moments, men (unfortunately) don't have such an outlet because of social conditioning. I'm not condoning it, it's not how men should act, it's incredibly immature. As we become adults we're supposed to learn (usually from good male role-models) how to channel and control testosterone fueled aggression.

You indicate however this is a recent and sudden change of character. This is what I'd be worried about. Something has clearly changed for him, not even something that makes him angry but just worried, stressed, depressed. Might not have anything to do with you, but whatever it is he's not dealing with it properly.

omahaid

problem? wrote: »

He put his fist through the door, and broke 2 of his fingers.

I did that once, without breaking anything (it was a cupboard door). I'm with my wife over 13 years and I've never been in a physical fight since primary school so I'm not at all aggressive but that day...

In my case we were both stressed and that day was even more stressful. Nothing is thought of women breaking stuff (indeed my wife has broken one or two plates in anger over the years) so I wouldn't jump to conclusions about a man doing something similar.

He didn't hurt the dog did he?

LegacyUser

OP here.

No he didn't hurt the dog. He scared him, which upset me, which upset the dog more. Silly circle!


I appreciate the responses and they are in line with what I'm thinking myself. He did something wonderful for a relative of his lately, and is a fantastic person. I am lucky to have him and the people in his life are blessed. He's a loving partner and supportive in almost every way.

I will continue to look at this as it was, an isolated incident where we were both being stupid and he got a bit out of hand.

Just wondering how best to react if it happens again though. I'm not sure it will because he feels so stupid now, but I thought the same after the car incident.

Little Miss Lady

He has already picked the dog up in a manner you did not like whilst in temper.. You can never predict the actions of another person.. EVER..
If this is out of the ordinary behaviour your partner should go and see his GP and discuss counselling options

Canluum

Little Miss Lady wrote: »

You can never predict the actions of another person.. EVER..

While technically true, instilling paranoia via fear-mongering is hardly constructive either.

cafecolour

If he never used to have violent fits like this, and is suddenly becoming worse in the last few months, I'd definitely look into it. Is he more stressed at work or anything like that?

Nevyn

Sometimes when there is stress both people in a relationship can react badly to it and each other. Couples counselling could be what you need, before the relationship spirals downwards.

Little Miss Lady

Canluum wrote: »

While technically true, instilling paranoia via fear-mongering is hardly constructive either.

I'm not fear mongering at all just telling the truth but if his behaviour towards a living thing like a helpless animal was untoward it really is not a good sign of things to come!!!

Zen65

problem? wrote: »

Do you think I should be worried?

At this stage, no, I do not see any behaviour in what you describe to warrant being fearful.

Men are often less able to vent their frustration through words. When they are hurt by the words of others they often (instinctively) respond with physical aggression, but your husband intuitively directs that physical anger away from you, which suggests that even in an enraged state his programming is not to harm you. In some respects this should be reassuring. Often men who "snap" in anger and harm their partners have never previously exhibited rage, so there is no advance warning that they do not have this safety mechanism built in. On the face of it your husband does, which I consider to be a good sign.

As Omahaid points out, women often take anger out on household objects and the question "might they hurt their husbands/kids?" rarely arises.

Leave that aside for now. You do need to question why the relationship has reached a point where you are having more rows than usual. It could be stress in the workplace has shortened his (and your) tempers. In the current climate, both sides need to acknowledge that there's enough stress in everyone's life without adding to each other's (if you can avoid it).

You say you've been together 10 years. Things change over that time, and without being aware of it some of those changes may be making one or both of you unhappy. Small issues can build up, and left unresolved and un-discussed they can fester into a wound which will infect the relationship, leading to increased sensitivity and shortness of temper.

So make a pact together, to count to ten when either of you get angry. Do not believe that it is OK for you to verbally antagonise your husband as a form of aggression, as this is simply playing into the argument. If you can, take some time out together (stay sober) and see if you can resolve the underlying issues which may be irking either or both of you.


Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

Little Miss Lady wrote: »

You can never predict the actions of another person.. EVER..

Psychologists and psychiatrists around the world may be somewhat offended by this statement. It is true that human nature involves a degree of uncertainty, but the reason that police forces around the world now use profilers is because you can actually relate actions to "personality types".

However, it must be remembered that violent crime against women occurs mainly in their own homes (not just by their partners, but also by children & other relatives and acquaintances) so it is always good advice for women to be mindful (but not fearful) of their physical safety. From what OP has described however, the threat from her husband seems small, given their 10 years of peaceful coexistence.


Be at peace,

Z

metrovelvet

Without offerring a diagnosis here it is also well known that men react to their depressions by acting out.

LighterGuy

Zen65 wrote: »

Psychologists and psychiatrists around the world may be somewhat offended by this statement. It is true that human nature involves a degree of uncertainty, but the reason that police forces around the world now use profilers is because you can actually relate actions to "personality types".

What you said Zen is so true but can apply to alot of lifes situations.

You dont need to be a psychologist to read what a person will do generally. Alot is just common sense and logic. Reading the situation and applying the aforementioned. But it depends on the situation.
Most common thing in life is people doing actions for their own benefit or desires (cheating, lying, manipulating etc etc list goes on) I would go as far and say generally the majority of actions we do is for our own benefit. Which by applying abit of logic we can see through all that crap.

As for the op's situation?
Op, your bf said he loves you. Admits to wrong doing of getting that angry. You want my two cents? ... it sounds like he never wants to hit you It would be a different story if he didnt care about doing what he did (then actions and logic can apply)

Pretty much what you are asking would be the equivalent of someone asking me would I be still with a girl I meet next week in 5 years time? ... No one with the most prestige degree in the world can tell me that

Fox McCloud

It doesnt sound like the typical build up towards domestic violence, the issolation, the self esteem erroding, the excuses (i love you so much, you made me do it, i'm sorry but its your fault...etc.
But it does sound like there is a problem, if he cant control his anger and is hurting himself in the process something could happen by accident that has longer lasting effects than broken fingers.

I would be afraid if someone reacted like that around me, even if their anger had nothing to do with me. I think anger management classes or councelling of some sort is the way to go. Investing in a punch bag, having a pillow to punch or newspapers to tear up.. What happens if he loses the head like this in work? It definatley needs to be delt with now.

Taltos

OP - I am with many of the others on this.

Suggest he speaks to his GP and tries to get to the root of his frustration. Long term stress will kill you, so maybe he just needs help learning how to cope.

Short-term - maybe he is scaring himself as much as you but is afraid to admit it. If out of character then yes I would be concerned. Who knows, next time there might be someone on the road, or what if the dogs suddenly bites or it is a glass door and instead of broken fingers it is a shredded wrist.

Clearly something has changed and through no fault of his how he is unable to deal with this - no shame there - we all have our limits and it takes an adult to admit that sometimes help really is the only option.

discus

metrovelvet wrote: »

Without offerring a diagnosis here it is also well known that men react to their depressions by acting out.

Yeah us men, we're the only ones who 'act out' if suffering from depression.

However, it must be remembered that violent crime against women occurs mainly in their own homes (not just by their partners, but also by children & other relatives and acquaintances) so it is always good advice for women to be mindful (but not fearful) of their physical safety. From what OP has described however, the threat from her husband seems small, given their 10 years of peaceful coexistence.

What's with the paranoia encouragement going on? Why have only 1 or 2 posters mentioned the bickering thats going on?

Zen65

discus wrote: »

What's with the paranoia encouragement going on? Why have only 1 or 2 posters mentioned the bickering thats going on?

Discus,

Perhaps you did not read OP's post in full? The opening lines set the scene for the kind of relationship she has with her partner:

I'm with my partner almost ten years. Usually our relationship us very good. We get on really well, have fun together, rely on each other. We trust each other and love each other very much.

We normally don't have rows, we are usually very good at discussing problems.

We have to take it at face value that OP is in the best position to characterize their relationship. When she goes on the describe three rows which have occurred, it must be taken in the context of the relationship she has described. Failing to read the full post results in people just throwing out general advice which is of little use to anybody.

As for the paranoia you refer to, I don't know why you think that facts lead to paranoia. As somebody who teaches self-defence, I always advocate being mindful rather than being fearful.

Being mindful would make a person think twice before starting a row with their partner while the partner is chopping onions with a large knife; being fearful is chopping all the onions yourself for fear you may get attacked. In life, it is about balance.

Apologies to the OP & Moderator if this post is seen as distracting from OP's thread. It may help the OP to understand why posters here are generally of the opinion that her partner is not showing signs of being dangerously violent.

Be at peace,

Z

girl2

I havent read all the posts on here, but so far, I think..........that yes, I would be worried. I work in a family centre where domestic violence is a factor in most of our work.

After 10 years of you being with someone, you have mentioned that in the last couple of months - 3 separate incidents where your OH has left you scared. Not once, not twice, but 3 times. And each of these incidents has escalated. So much so that his rage has cost him breaking 2 fingers. No justificatino whatsoever.

Talk to him about an anger management program. And talk to him about whatever's going on with him. And why in this world he is behaving this way.

I dont think this is something that can be swept under the carpet.

I hope it works out for you OP, but no one has the right to make another person feel the way you have been made feel. And the innocent pet in the home.

curlzy

Hey OP, I know it is scary as hell when your OH is in a temper, my bf is 6'3" & 16 stone of muscle. A while back he put his hand threw a wall in temper. I'm not afraid of him though because he would never ever hurt me. I don't think it's an indication that domestic abuse is on the cards but you should defo make sure he knows how much it scared you. If it escalated then you should defo be prepared to walk but it doesn't sound that way.