Delusional Friend

LegacyUser

I had a friend who was very delusional about events that have happened. A number of times she got angry with people for no reason and made up untrue reasons afterwards. She also has retold me events differently even though I was there and know what really happened. I know I shouldn't have put up with it and a number of friends actually warned me about her but I am generally spineless and don't have a lot of friends so I ignored it. She also could be a lovely person and we often had great fun together.

We fell out a while ago. It was over something else. I never told her about what she was doing. I thought it was pointless as she had herself so convinced. She was a bit aggressive towards me then and she actually told me that I had a problem with people. I just agreed with her and left it as I was somewhat relieved that we were no longer friends. She has contacted me a few times after that but I think she's stopped now.

Anyway, I was just wondering has anyone else come across a person like this. Is there a name for this? She is not just a compulsive liar. I know she is not just lying, she would actually be completely convinced that her version of events was true, I'm sure she'd pass a lie detector. I'm wondering how others would have handled the situation. Would they have told them what they were doing or not?

Emme

MJ90 wrote: »

I had a friend who was very delusional about events that have happened. A number of times she got angry with people for no reason and made up untrue reasons afterwards. She also has retold me events differently even though I was there and know what really happened. I know I shouldn't have put up with it and a number of friends actually warned me about her but I am generally spineless and don't have a lot of friends so I ignored it. She also could be a lovely person and we often had great fun together.

She sounds like a narcissist. Eitherways the friends who warned you about her were right. You say you put up with her because you lack confidence and don't have many friends. This made you a bit of a target for her because she could manipulate you. You might find that if you spent less time with her you'd be able to focus on yourself more and widen your circle of friends. Maybe people were avoiding you because of her. You say she could be a lovely person - of course these people are lovely when things are going their way and somebody is doing their bidding all the time.

MJ90 wrote: »

We fell out a while ago. It was over something else. I never told her about what she was doing. I thought it was pointless as she had herself so convinced. She was a bit aggressive towards me then and she actually told me that I had a problem with people. I just agreed with her and left it as I was somewhat relieved that we were no longer friends. She has contacted me a few times after that but I think she's stopped now.

I'd move on and ignore her if she tries contacting you. Get out there and make new friends. You don't have a problem with people as long as you don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

MJ90 wrote: »

Anyway, I was just wondering has anyone else come across a person like this. Is there a name for this? She is not just a compulsive liar. I know she is not just lying, she would actually be completely convinced that her version of events was true, I'm sure she'd pass a lie detector. I'm wondering how others would have handled the situation. Would they have told them what they were doing or not?

I have an acquaintance like this. She's a bit of a fantasist and likes to be the centre of attention at all times. She's ok in small doses but if she had her way she'd monopolise all my free time. If you try to point something out to her about her behaviour she goes ballistic - you get a tirade of abuse and a list of your faults (real and imagined) a mile long.

In other words, a toxic or vampire friend. These people suck the blood out of you and start kicking you around when you're too drained to give any more.

Apolloyon

I unfortunately went through a similar experience to yourself. In my case however, I was in a relationship with someone who suffered these kinds of delusions. As you said, it wasn't a case of her lying, it was the fact that she completely believed the things she had made up that I found more and more disturbing. She would 'misremember' significant events and conversations and even accuse me of lying about past events that had occurred before we met because they didn't fit with what she 'knew' about me.

At the time, I gave this and other factors a literal free pass due to the fact that Ireland was not her native country and she had deliberately isolated herself when she came over. Now that I'm older and wiser, I realise that I shouldn't have allowed her behaviour to escalate. The more you give in to people like this the more their delusions will grow, they will always be heroes and misunderstood geniuses in their own mind.

You did the right thing in breaking contact with this person. They might have some lovely qualities but the reality is their behaviour and how they treat others is always a clear indicator of their true nature in my opinion.

Nevyn

It they are re telling things from thier own twisted point of view when you are around you can be sure they do the same when you are not and will slant many things to get the reaction they want out of people. You are better off with out someone like that in your life, exp if you have managed to extract yourself from thier drama with out them painting you the villian.

LegacyUser

Thanks everybody. She was preying on my mind lately but I feel better already after reading your replies and I feel I can just move on now.

She did strain some friendships I had and I maybe stopped me making new friends. I also realise now that I was facilitating her by not standing up to her.

It was really disturbing. I was often scared about how angry she got about things which I know didn't happen like she was saying. I don't know what her true nature is though. She was often very sweet and thoughtful, she just kept inventing reasons to be upset and angry. I genuinely think it's some sort of slight mental illness that might be able to be fixed but I don't envy the person who tries to help her.

One thing I was worried about was what Thaedydal said about her twisting words and maybe saying things about me. I think she hasn't badmouthed me yet and I don't think she will as she knows I have 'dirt' on her.

I didn't want to portray myself as a loner or a goody goody. I have some great friends. At times I do feel sorry for her because I know she will never have true friends if she doesn't get help but other times I think she'll get what she deserves and I'm certainly not going to help her.

Thanks again all, I think I just needed to work things out in my head. I felt so shook up after we fell out and frustrated about how unreasonable she was being while I was biting my tongue and agreeing with the horrible things she said about me in order not to cause confrontation. It was eating up at me a little but think I can let it go now.

TitoPuente

Is she the victim of an abusive upbringing? This kind of behaviour is often a good sign of emotional dysfunction caused by an abusive and/or negligent parent.

Leitrim lass

Narcissist......google it. These people don't often change because they don't believe they have a problem. Stay away if you want to keep your sanity.

TitoPuente

Leitrim lass wrote: »

Narcissist

Yup. Everyone should learn about narcissism. It's scary stuff and frighteningly prevalent.

LegacyUser

I don't know anything about her upbringing, her family seem nice but I really don't know them. I looked up narcissism and something called 'Narcissistic personality disorder' and it does seem to fit the bill. It's as if she can't handle shame or ever being wrong and is 'preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy' (from wikipedia). I'd say she is really easily hurt and reacts by changing events in her head and getting angry with others because she cannot handle any sort of real or perceived criticism.

I'm surprised it is common, I have never heard of anyone like that before and it is quite frightening at times. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a disorder like that and be completely unaware of it. I'd like to think someone would tell me and try to help me but Leitrim lass I know you're right. She doesn't realise she has a problem at all. I did feel a little bad about just leaving her with her problems but I can't help her and now I'm just glad I got away unscathed. By being her friend I was only facilitating her and making it worse an maybe when she's left with no friends she might realise she needs help.

Thanks all.

SparkyTech

I know where youre coming from. You need to cut her out of your life, or at the very least reduce her status to an acquaintance. However, I think you should try having a gentle discussion with her first as to why you find her behaviour unacceptable for the sake of the good times you did share. Prehaps giveve her the benifit of the doubt and then if shes unprepeared to compromise with you or even see half of your point let her go. It may be that no-ones sat her down and told it to her straight.

Life is too short for people who treat you badly.

TitoPuente

Although it's worth learning about personality disorders for your own sanity, it's probably worth noting that it's unsafe to try and diagnose (publicly at least) someone with a disorder unless you're professionally qualified to do so. Even then you should probably avoid it if they're a romantic partner. Being aware of NPD, BPD, etc. is important though so you can spot it and keep your distance to make sure you're safe.

As SparkyTech said, try and slowly reduce your relationship with people like this until they become 'acquaintances' and you'll be able to escape safely. If you're actually with a narcissist and you leave them on bad terms, get ready for a s**t storm of smear campaigns and some really abusive stuff. These people generally carry around the baggage of a history of abusive terror at the hands of a parent themselves, so it's a sad story. Although the damage they're capable of doing to your reputation is frightening.

tenchi-fan

Lying is a tactic of a manipulative person.

She wants things to be easy, so if you give her a way out by pretending to believe her she will happily go along with the lie.

Would she pass a lie detector test? No idea. If she's confident enough, maybe.

If you confront her, she will use another tactic of a manipulative person - anger. By screaming at you she hopes you will back down, and once you do she got the easy way out she was looking for.

If you don't back down, you might "win" the argument but she will try to get back at you.