Guilt and ...

LegacyUser

my dad passed away in january. i was not with him. when he first found out he got cancer, i was away from home working and travelling and found a new life i wanted to pursue and a relationship i wanted to pursue. i went back home eventually. he was in the last phrase. but my heart wanted to go back to the foreign land. i left again, despite friends' objections. my dad wanted me to be happy although he did not understand why i had to leave home to find the life i wanted. i left him and started my study. no money to go back to visit him even Christmas time. and in january, he died. i borrowed money from my siblings to go back for his funeral. when i saw his body and listened to my family telling me about how my dad was gone, i could not stop crying. my family is still very supportive to me and my mam does not even blame me for leaving my dad when he was most sick. my dad did not complain a word and even asked my siblings not to go back for the funeral.

i think i would bear the guilt with me for my whole life.

SparkyTech

Hi OP
Sorry to hear about your loss.

Dont beat yourself up about this.

Im sure your Dad realies how much you loved and cared for him, even if you wern't around at some key times.

Guilt can eat us all up and if its really wighing you down you may want to see a berevment counciller to help you through this.

Best wishes

FoxT

Hi OP,
I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like your dad really loved you & supported you in moving away, even though he may not have understood why you had to leave. He wanted you to be happy & follow your dreams.

It might help you to think of this as his gift to you. Grieve for your father, but try also to accept that gift in the spirit that it was given.

Perhaps looking at it this way may help you to realise that you do not have anything to be guilty for.

All the best

LegacyUser

i recently talked with my younger sister crying on the phone, her acceptance towards me makes me forgiving myself. she said she never thought that i was selfish as studying aboard is always my dream. it's good to act out the dream.

yes, it's a gift which i never realised before that i have such a supportive family. and i learn from this and i promise myself to learn from it and let my loved ones go to do things they are happy with in the future just as my dad let me go and does thing i wanted to.

it's nearly a year now. i miss him very much. i wished i would make a phone call that morning before he left us. i had that feelings that morning. indeed, the night before that, i felt something was wrong inside me but i had never thought of my dad. that morning, my heart asked me to make a phone call to him, but i did not as i thought i had already made a phone call two days ago.

i still remember his last words to me. i felt angry too that he left me alone without informing me he was going (i know this is irrational). another irrational feeling was that he did not love me and could leave me without saying goodbye to me...i know this is a very silly thought.

although i have learned a lot here, experienced a lot and did a lot, if i could turn the clock back, i wished i would stay one more year with him and pursued my dream at least one more year later.

but i could not turn back the clock and i need to learn to accept i would make mistakes. and i was selfish.

neilr4

You weren't selfish, you made a decision at that particular time based on the knowledge you had!

I bet that when you decided what was best for you, it "felt" like it was the right decision!

Your experience sounds so familiar to me but you have to go with your gut instincts and only experience will help!! Don't be hard on yourself for doing what you thought was right, you have a very supportive family.

Look for the positives in your experience, they may not become clear initially but be patient it can take time! personally I think you will become a stronger person for having gone through this just leave the guilt out of the equation...........what's done is done, now you must look forward............let that be the gift from your father for it seems that he understood more than you realised and I sense from your first post that you made him very happy by persuing your dream...............how could any father NOT love their child for doing that ;-))

blessed be......

suitseir

The trouble with "death" is that it is a fact of life and still, as humans, we do not prepare ourselves for it! We brush it aside and think that our parents will live FOREVER! The human psyche is brilliant, really!

That is just the lighter side of things. Grief is a very personal thing and there is a difference between grief and guilt. We Irish, play on guilt more than grief! On the death of a loved one or friend, we grieve as is right and proper and good for our own well being. But there has to be a cut off point and an acceptance! This is good for the soul of the deceased to "release" them and for our own souls. I lost my father just a month ago, and while we were never very close, I was abroad when it happened but I didn't beat myself up over it. I had to go abroad, even though he was quite ill. He was in his 80's and was ill for some time. He would approve of all of us "carrying on as usual". I did not cry at his funeral...I just remember the days when we were young! That will come later.

Please do not feel guilty it is not what your father wold want.

LegacyUser

tk you guys for all the comments and advice. just wanna leave a note to tell that i feel much better although the pain is still there.

this month is the month my dad passed away. i hope he is smiling at me for i am doing on earth.

tks.