Parents don't approve of my boyfriend

LegacyUser

So as the title suggests my parents don't approve of my boyfriend, well it's my mother for the most part. My dad is very much of the school you are old enough now to make your own decisions (I'm 28) and once I'm happy he won't get involved. My mother on the other hand has no problem telling me how she feels.

I live a good distance away from my parents so I don't see them much so it's not too bad in that respect but I'm an only child so I'm the sole focus and it's hard in that respect. It is at the stage now that when I talk to my mother we never mention him, it is sad because she is losing out. I told her recently that next year we will be moving in together and her answer was 'I've nothing to say.' I don't understand why she doesn't like him, he treats me well and makes me happy, surely that's enough? He has daughter, she didn't like that, thinks his ex will be an issue. He doesn't have as great a job as she'd like, I do earn more, not by much but that's not an issue for us anyway. I went to university etc and she actually said she didn't sacrifice so much so I could go to uni and get a good job only to end up with him and the most silly reason she doesn't think he's good looking....she's being completely unfair in this and it has my stomach in knots at times.

This hurts me obviously but I love him and can't live my life for her. I just don't know what to do...has anyone else ever been in the same situation?

S23

Sorry to be blunt but tell her to fcuk off and mind her own business. You're a grown woman and you can date who you like. He treats you well and seems to have a stable/normal lifestyle. You're the one going out with him not her. She's being ridiculous and needs to be told so in no uncertain terms. Don't try and sugar coat it and don't let her brow beat you on the subject. As you said you have to live your life for yourself and not her

Pebbles!

yes I agree at this stage in your life, it is up to you who you date. Sit down with your mother and explain this to her. It is not fair that your mother has put you in this position, she should hold back on her opinion, fair enough she has your best interests at heart but this is not the right way to go around it. She should be happy for you if your happy. Your happiness should be the most important thing to her regardless of if she thinks your making a mistake.

Canluum

I went to university etc and she actually said she didn't sacrifice so much so I could go to uni and get a good job only to end up with him and the most silly reason she doesn't think he's good looking....she's being completely unfair in this and it has my stomach in knots at times.

Yeah if anyone tells you these things, mother or not, you really need to tell them where to go. That's completely ridiculous.

Though assuming you'd like to maintain your relationship with your mother then approach with tact. "When you say/do/act like x, it makes me feel hurt/unappreciated/unloved/whatever you're feeling. I need you to act in y way". It's hard to argue with feelings. If she really does care about you (which she no doubt does) she'll see how she's upsetting you and hopefully change her behaviour. Make it clear too that there are no circumstances by which you will leave your boyfriend, and to just accept it and make the best of it.

Take some notes from this website before approaching your mother:
http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements

Beruthiel

Einzelkind wrote: »

she actually said she didn't sacrifice so much so I could go to uni and get a good job only to end up with him

Did you loose the plot when she said that?
It was her decision to 'sacrifice' so much. If she didn't want to, then she shouldn't have and to hold that over you as some sort of life bargaining tool is crass in the extreme. Emotional blackmail.
Tell her to put up and shut up.
It's what my daughter would probably say to me if I had the nerve to interfere in her relationships.

The reason she feels it's perfectly fine to say these kind of things to you is you have allowed it.
Stand up for yourself.
Tell her you are 28 years of age and you are old enough to make your own decisions, be they good or bad. It's called life experience.

Truley

Hi OP I can totally empathise. My parents have always had an issue with my boyfriend for all the typical Irish snobby reasons. He doesn't have a good job, doesn't drink like a fish and is *very* slightly hippyish, although not conspiciously so. I also think, though they would never admit it, that the fact that he is half English and not from a Catholic background has alot to do with it. They have created a massive rift in my life that is compeletely one sided on their part, it's always been a huge sourse of stress and anxiety for me. My boyfriend is alienated from family events, is frozen out of it when he is around. They will bad mouth him to extended family members. I can't ever talk to them about him because even the mention of his name is a no no in their household. What's worse is my partner has always been incredibly civil and decent to them, he has even helped them out on many occasions with DIY, computer repairs etc but they are not budging and probably never will.

Sorry I haven't offered much by way of advice OP. I'm just saying that I can empathise. It's easy for people to say back off, stay out of it etc But it's not nice to be forced into that position in the first place. It also wears you down and makes you doubt the validity of your feelings. For example if I fancied myself as a very good singer but was constantly told by those around me I was cr*p, I would start to doubt my own feelings on the subject. As for me, I have persevered and am blissfully happy in my relationship five years on, while my sister's boyfriend (aka the golden in law who comes from a 'nice' farming family) cheats with anything that walks and has been physically violent on occasion. Oh and my parents haven't talked civilly for years and don't even share the same bed.

sbsquarepants

To be blunt OP, your mother is a bitch!
Put her in her place and get on with your life. You'll be happier for it!

DangerMouse27

My ex(key word here) mother is church of ireland and im catholic(irish catholic,not strict ) but it caused so many problems for us that her mother would never stick up for me or give me a fair crack of the whip and when asked what religion our maybe baby would be, she assumed it would be C.O.I...i wouldnt mind tbh but not insisted,no sir!
I guess you just gotta do whats right for you,if you like him,then dont let your parents bother you..plenty more things out there to test ye than that.
Best of luck,im sure u will be just fine

Zen65

Einzelkind wrote: »

I went to university etc and she actually said she didn't sacrifice so much so I could go to uni and get a good job only to end up with him and the most silly reason she doesn't think he's good looking....she's being completely unfair in this and it has my stomach in knots at times.

As an elder (in Boards terms anyway) myself I think I do understand what your mother is trying to say, albeit that she says it quite poorly. I'm guessing she may not have had a university education herself, possibly because her family situation did not allow for it. In sending you to university she probably did make sacrifices (putting your education before her own desires - holidays, clothes, new car, whatever). Her rationale would have included a notion that by ensuring you got the best opportunity in education that you would find your life to be easier than hers. This probably included a notion that you would marry a professional man (with male model good looks) with higher earning potential, and never want for anything again. In a way, she has been vicariously living some of her life (and ambitions) through you. It's extremely common for parents to do this.

Perhaps now she even fears you may become financially dependent on your parents again at some time in the future?

Perhaps, as an only child that will inherit everything they now own, she fears that somehow parts of that estate will be diluted by being handed over to this man, to his daughter (not blood related), and by extension to the estranged wife & her family.

Of course her logic is flawed, and your father has a better grip on reality; your education has given you some of the skills you need to assess your own life, and to balance your ambitions and your loves. He is happy if you are.

Your mother, mindful of her own lifetime of regrets and difficulties (many of which she might never have revealed to you as you were growing up) - sees only the problems that may beset you in the future. But through a lack of insight into the human condition she expresses her fears to you as if you were 8 years old and therefore young enough to be swayed by a "boogie man" argument. I think she probably cares greatly for you, but is unable to see how much you have grown and developed as a person, thanks in part to the very sacrifices she now waives in your face. A parent's concern for their young does not always mature in line with the child!!

You have a choice. You can alienate her, or just hide your love life from her, so that you don't have to face these bitchy comments from her. Life will go on, but you will miss the opportunity to maintain a close relationship with her.

Or alternatively you can sit down and explain to her that you understand that she made sacrifices for your education, for your development, and that those sacrifices have resulted in producing a woman who knows what she wants in life, and that maybe your desires don't align exactly to the ambitions she held for you as you grew up, but they are your ambitions now and you need to follow your own path. Let her know you want to stay close to her, but she cannot disrespect your choices and maintain a meaningful relationship with you. It would be a shame for you to grow distant when she invested so much of her life in you (and that's especially true because you are an only child).

Now of course, I don't know your mum, she might not think the way I reckon at all, and all of the above may be very wide of the mark. Maybe your mother is just a materialistic status-seeking bitch. However I like to believe that most people are of good heart, even if sometimes that heart blinds them to the world a little.

In case I'm right, try giving her the space to explain in clear words what it is that really troubles her about this relationship, and reassure her this man is not taking you out of her life completely.


Be at peace,

Z