Emo Philips quotes.

Capt'n Midnight

* I love going to the park, watching the kids running around, yelling... 'cause they don't know I'm using blanks!

* I was in the park the other day with my nephew. He got on one of the swings and went "Come on, Uncle Emo! Give me a big push!"
So I went over and pushed him with all of my might.
But he said "No, Uncle Emo! I want a big push!"
So I went back about 10 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might.
And he still goes "No, Uncle Emo! I want a really big push!"
So I went back 50 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might!
And my nephew still goes "NO, Uncle Emo! I wanna really, really BIG push!"
So I backed up the Buick...

* I was in this computer store the other day, and this tiny little computer beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing!

* A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

* At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge $5 for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

* Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

* I was in this bar, nursing a beer. And my nipple was getting quite soggy...

* I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

* I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

* I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs.
Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

* I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious.

* But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes.

* I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

* Oh, yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

* So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

* If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

* One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

* One day my father asked me, "Do you love the Lord?"
I said, "Yes."
He said, "Then stand up and shout, 'Hallelujah!'"
So I did, and I fell off the roller coaster.

* Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

* The guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.

* When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.
Oh, I've tried other enemas...

* Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

* You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

* You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...
Damn anthropologists.

* I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

* I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I though, "how did this get into bed with me?"

* I used to have a big gay following, but I ducked down an alley and lost him.

* They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

* Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

* Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

* Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!

* My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

* When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

* My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

* My teacher said "Emo, am I stupid or are you cheating?" I said, "Yes and no."

* My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour...

* My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

* When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches.

* I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

* Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

* I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

* My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

* So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

* I've learned about women the hard way. Through books.

* Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

* At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

* My girlfriend said "Just buy me something crazy and expensive — something I don't even need!" So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

* All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

* I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

* I was sleeping the other night. Alone. Thanks to the exterminator.

* My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

* You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

* Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

* I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

* I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

* My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

* When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me -- according to the letter.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

* I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

* Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

* My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a degenerate debauchee'. I said, 'that's a big word for fifth grade!'

* Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

* Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

* I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

* Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

* I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder, por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"

* I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

* People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

* I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized — well, look what's telling me this!

* I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

* I had the weirdest experience. I'm walking here and I say to myself "my gosh, that's Jimmy Petersen. I haven't seen him since I was nine". And I walked up to him and I slapped him on the back and I said "how's it going, you old rascal?" And he starts crying... And I say to myself, "wait a second, if that's Jimmy Petersen, he would have grown up too!" I mean, sure, now it's obvious...

* I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

* I was in Jerusalem last year. I felt so embarrassed, you know. I was standing there at the Wailing Wall, like a moron, you know, with my harpoon...

* I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

* Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of 'Not this again' and 'Hey, where d'you learn that?'

* I dropped out of science when I was a kid, so I only know two things about science. Water freezes at 23 degrees Fahrenheit, and if you have two competing theories, you try not to choose the one that involves a magic spell.

* Aaarrrgh! Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

* My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

* My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"

* When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."

* My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

* At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. you know!

* And you know, my mom, she's quite nosy. The other day, I caught her going through my socks and underwear... And it tickled! She doesn't like to ask me... If she needs change, she'll dig for it. And my grandmother, we're very close. In fact, I just bought her a Christmas present. It's an authentic Chicago Bears football helmet. It's not that she's a big fan... The main thing is, I don't want her to be going on that I fitted her ceiling fan too low. It put a stop to that claptrap!

* Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

* I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."

* Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...

* I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...

* I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

* But... Life is so precious. My cousin died the other day. Aged nineteen. Stung by a bee: the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker. And now my sister's really paranoid about bugs. We're at a picnic, and she starts shouting "Emo, there's a bug in my eye! Do something!" You know... So I get the insecticide... What can you do?

* One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

* Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...

* My sister married a German. Which I admit is not the most efficient way to get back at them. I'm at a deli with her husband. He says, "Emo, I can't get a good bagel back in Germany!" I said, "well, whose fault is that?"

* Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

* I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

* They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

* But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

* But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

My_Life_4_Hire

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

...

*Do you believe in dreams?
I'm on a subway, and it goes into a long dark tunnel, and it stops.
Panic Strickenly, the subway starts running down this corridor, which turns out to be sewer.
And i'm over my head in a filthy stinking liquid and i'm swimming and i get to the end of the tunnel and there's my mother.
She says "have some coleslaw emo." And i passed out from exhaustion.
And here's where i have the dream.

*She sends me to the principals office, and he says "Emo, Emo, Emo..." And i say "I'm the one in middle, you drunken slob!"