Do not know what to do???

LegacyUser

oh where to start with this mess,


me and my oh have been engaged for about a year, we picked a date (that took us ages to sort so everyone on my side could make it) on which we could get married during the past year and gathered all the information and put everything in place so in January we could just contact everyone and book everything, everyone attending knows these plans.


recently his older brother has gotten engaged and they set the date 2 weeks after us. (same church too)

now we are happy for them if a little annoyed as they knew our plans, (they spent the past few weeks asking us about them) but now we are stuck with a multiple amount of issues,


my OH is absolutely gutted, he really looked up to his brother and feels his own day has been compromised by the brothers actions. on top of this his own mother has really hurt him and pissed him off, when we got engaged she told no-one, and anyone we then told, she told them it was a 'promise ring' not an engagement.
when his brother announced it she couldn't get on the phone to everyone fast enough.

my OH is really upset over this and i do not know what to do???

secondly my OH's friends have just found out about the brother getting married two weeks later and to say they are not impressed with him is putting it mildly.

thirdly my friends have re-acted the same as my OH's above.

Fourthly my family are also annoyed by their actions and the effects they have had on us and on what is supposed to be he happiest day of our life,

things were already strained to say the least between my family and his, the only way to describe his immediate family is selfish, self absorbed, idiotic, snobby, assholes!

my oh is quite literally the odd one out, he is considerate, self-less, intelligent and kind!

and now our main dilemma, the wedding day itself, my OH openly admits his mother, father, brother and the girlfriend being there IS going to cause hassle as once again they've shown themselves up at one of our social events.

we were already on tenterhooks as on other important occasions where our families have met his mother/father/brother have shown themselves up!

and now we don't know what to do???

can we have our wedding day with everyone there with everyone so annoyed with those particular 4 people?

especially since the brothers own wedding will more than likely be discussed with it happening less than a fortnight after! (and considering all the attention has to be on him(and his mum enjoys lavishing it upon him giving him a sense of his own importance) he will make sure he gets some)


its such a mess how do i sort this one out????

FoxT

This is a difficult one... l

There seems to be an overall pattern here of your OH's family not having respect for either himself or yourself. Belittling your engagement, holding 2nd wedding just 2 weeks later, risk of inappropriate behaviour....

I have a personal axe to grind here - There have been times in the past when I placed my family first over my wife , and I was wrong. So I offer the following in that context:

I suggest that you & your Fiance spend some time discussing this. What is the desired end state here? Do you & he want an apology? Brothers Wedding to be rescheduled? Are you prepared to have the wedding without his family present? (or without some of them?). You & he need to agree on what is negotiable & what is not. Write a 'problem statement' or mission statement' together if that helps. I know this sounds very militaristic - but doing an exercise like this will help to focus & unite you both as you try to get through a potentially difficult situation.

I think your OH then needs to explain to his family that they start showing respect for him, for you, and for your relationship. He needs to state very clearly to them that their remarks, their past behaviour, and the scheduling of the brothers wedding all amount to unacceptable disrespect. And, tell them what you & he want & need, based on the agreement you have made together.

Doing this is hard. It might work better if he was to write a letter to them & discuss it with them.

Try to stay calm, and remain absolutely focused on what the desired outcome is. If his family get angry, just leave. Tell them you are happy to talk further when they calm down.

Best of luck,

-FoxT

LegacyUser

i think at this point we are deciding on should we allow them to attend our wedding at this stage,

we just do not know what to do? like i said all my family and his friends are of the opinion we forget them.

should we approach his parents and explain how serious this is to us, although we both suspect they will go on the defensive as per usual,where they act all dumb/innocent and say things such as "oh i never meant to do that" when clearly their actions and lack of actions show different, this has been going on for over 2 years at this stage. My OH is NOT good at confrontation and he gets frustrated when we get home and he's always left feeling like they've completely ignored what he was trying to say and brushed over it by making out he is the one kicking up the fuss over nothing.

but this is something.

it's our wedding, and now we are at a complete loss,

they are truly the in-laws from hell.

i just posted here because we want to know how other people feel about this whole mess and what they think we should do as we feel getting an outside perspective could help us decide what outcome to decide?

Zen65

confused2010 wrote: »

we just do not know what to do? like i said all my family and his friends are of the opinion we forget them.

But those friends and family are not the ones who will have to live with the consequences of your actions, are they?

A wedding is a short day. A marriage lasts a long time, if you maintain it properly. Not inviting some of his immediate family in a row about a calendar clash is a poor way to start a marriage. This will leave a bad taste in people's mouths, long after the beautiful wedding desserts have been forgotten. It will also become the topic of conversation at both weddings!

Be the bigger people. Make no fuss about the matter, and invite them to your wedding regardless of the closeness of the dates. In the greater scheme of things, it is just small stuff. Make light of the matter, and joke about how his brother was hoping to save a few pence by having his wedding while you were away on honeymoon

As for his mother not making a fuss of your engagement, may I offer an alternative point of view? In some very traditional cultures, as may be found in certain parts of Ireland still, it is a matter of shame / embarrassment to parents if their kids get married out of sequence. What I mean is, parents can have an expectation that the eldest marries first, then the next eldest, etc. Doing otherwise seems to imply that the elder son/daughter was "not the marrying kind" - a euphemism for being hideously unattractive or gay (which some folks still find unacceptable in their own children). It's pure nonsense I know, but I know several families who feel very strongly about it. It may be because of this that the mother tried to play down her younger son's engagement, so as not to be drawing attention to the single status of the elder son.

So for the sake of your sanity during your married years, agree with each other on how best to compromise and avoid turning your wedding day into a cause for friction in later life.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

But those friends and family are not the ones who will have to live with the consequences of your actions, are they?

A wedding is a short day. A marriage lasts a long time, if you maintain it properly. Not inviting some of his immediate family in a row about a calendar clash is a poor way to start a marriage. This will leave a bad taste in people's mouths, long after the beautiful wedding desserts have been forgotten. It will also become the topic of conversation at both weddings!

Be the bigger people. Make no fuss about the matter, and invite them to your wedding regardless of the closeness of the dates. In the greater scheme of things, it is just small stuff. Make light of the matter, and joke about how his brother was hoping to save a few pence by having his wedding while you were away on honeymoon

As for his mother not making a fuss of your engagement, may I offer an alternative point of view? In some very traditional cultures, as may be found in certain parts of Ireland still, it is a matter of shame / embarrassment to parents if their kids get married out of sequence. What I mean is, parents can have an expectation that the eldest marries first, then the next eldest, etc. Doing otherwise seems to imply that the elder son/daughter was "not the marrying kind" - a euphemism for being hideously unattractive or gay (which some folks still find unacceptable in their own children). It's pure nonsense I know, but I know several families who feel very strongly about it. It may be because of this that the mother tried to play down her younger son's engagement, so as not to be drawing attention to the single status of the elder son.

So for the sake of your sanity during your married years, agree with each other on how best to compromise and avoid turning your wedding day into a cause for friction in later life.


Be at peace,

Z

thanks for your reply zen a different point of view was exactly what i needed

as for living with the consequences they can be no worse than what we are dealing with here, constant put-downs and the disrespecting/dis-approval of our relationship for 2 years straight.


the wedding is just simply yet another gathering where these people can thrive in their disapproval of us yet again and showing themselves up and embarrassing my OH seems what they do best when around our friends and my family! they honestly take great pleasure knowing they have ruined our gathering somewhat.

all the while we live in fear of what exactly they are going to attempt this time.

the brother did organise this deliberately, he was well aware of our dates after they had spent the weeks previous to the announcement quizzing us on basic details of ours!


As for the mother, while appreciate your view i know this is not the case, the brother and his girlfriend have been dating much longer than we have and everyone knew this so it was not a case of embarrassment that he was single, he wasn't!

My OH is still very upset over this i have never seen them effect him like this before (and they have done very nasty things to us previously) he's still very angry and its been a few days at this point...

i have told my oh i will stand by whatever he chooses and i am trying to calm him down before next week when we are due to see them again!

its just two weeks between weddings is not a very long time....

astra2000

Ok well firstly why was your other halfs parents, brother and gf been there and showing you up not an issue before they announced their wedding date? Regarding your mother in law to be saying you werent engaged could this be because ye didnt have a date set on engagement where as his brother did, or are ye young and she thought it may never happen? I am not excusing her but there may be a reason why.
Another poster mentioned having made the mistake of putting his own family before his wife, could it be a case of your bfs brother putting his gf before his family. I dont think what he did was nice but I wouldnt see it as been cause to ruin your day. My own sister announced 6mths before my wedding that she was getting married 6 weeks before me, basically as I was living in a different country and had to fly back to attend this ended up costing me and my hubby our planned honeymoon. She was arranging things to suit her and husband to be no one else came into it. We werent close but there would have been anyway I would have done that to her, but the truth of the matter was she couldnt see past her self! This is probably the case with your in laws a lot of time when people are been selfish they only see things from their own point of view and it never enters their head that their actions may affect others.
Lots of my friends and relations though this was unfair but the thing is that today I am very close to my sister and had I caused a huge row or refused to attend that may not be the case.
Why are you so annoyed , what do you think the implications on your day will be? I think you should focus on your day your not responsible for your inlaws actions and whatever way they behave is not a reflection on you or your bf. Best of luck

LegacyUser

i'm not married but I have been to a few immediate family weddings and I've realised that they are never about being the happiest day of the couples lives. Its a day full of family politics which, actually, have to be dealt with.

My brothers wedding was recent and I was his best man. One of his friends gave out to him as the free bar closed to early. Yep, free bar out of the goodness of the grooms heart (and wallet). His cousin stole pretty much everything that looked like a wedding favour from the tables, even though people wanted them as mementos. It was generally a fantastic day but i heard about these things happening the day after.

My take on it is this. Get married, not for the wedding day but for the marriage. The wedding day will be full of stress for most couples. Therefore, keep it cheap, small and simple. You can spend the money you save on the two of you on a honeymoon or a nice house.

LegacyUser

Weddings-pfft wrote: »

My take on it is this. Get married, not for the wedding day but for the marriage. The wedding day will be full of stress for most couples. Therefore, keep it cheap, small and simple. You can spend the money you save on the two of you on a honeymoon or a nice house.

we are getting married for the marriage, our wedding is going to modest at most,cheap small and simple, we are/were making a big deal out of the church because to us its the most important part, although after all the work we did to find the nicest small church they just say oh "thats a nice one we'll go there too!"


we cannot go on our honeymoon now as if we do we'd have to be rushing home in time for their wedding.



My OH and i are just upset at the nastiness once again shown by his family, and the lack of respect they have for us,our family, our feelings....etc this is a constant issue with these people and we've tried everything from mediation (where things are forced for weeks after until the original nasty pattern begins again)


we are literally at the end of our tether with these awful people and are wondering if we should just cut our losses?

my OH hasn't slept since i hear him tossing and turnng all night long, he just cannot believe his own brother would do this and that his mother re-acted they way she did, i believe my oh's words were "she set the precedent with us she could have at least waited till we were gone if she wanted to announce it"

he's hurt and i don't know how to help him

inlaws grrrrrr....

Leitrim lass

Your OH's family sound a lot like mine, hence the reason for going abroad for my wedding. Your husband needs to stand up to his family if they are making you both unhappy. As for your wedding day, well as other posters said it's about you two and your life together not just that day.
On the other hand, I saw the hassle that my two siblings went through trying to organise their weddings and trying to set a date. As you said yourself it took you ages to settle on a date. It's possible that your future BIL and his fiancée had the same hassle. Don't forget that he may want a lot of the same guests as your brother (aunts, uncles, cousins, people they grew up with together, etc.) and that some of they may be travelling some distance to your wedding. Maybe he is purposely setting a date close to yours as they can make a holiday out of it and get to kill two birds with the one stone(two wedding in the one trip).
Also, and don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you were taking so long to decide on your wedding date that you left them little option for other dates. booking dates for hotels, priests, churches, pre marriage courses can be difficult to coordinate. I saw this first hand with my own siblings weddings. Hotel not available one weekend. Priest having previous engagement on another weekend etc. Your brothers brother has all the same stress as you to organise .
They were possibly pushing to know what date you were getting married so they could arrange a date after that and not before for fear of upsetting you.
Think about it, if your OHs brother really wanted to p"ss you off he would have sneaked in 2 weeks before and not 2 weeks after your date.
Have a think about what your wedding day means to you and your OH and keep that in mind all the way through your planning and the day itself. You'll feel a lot more centred and happy for it.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Leitrim lass wrote: »

Your OH's family sound a lot like mine, hence the reason for going abroad for my wedding. Your husband needs to stand up to his family if they are making you both unhappy. As for your wedding day, well as other posters said it's about you two and your life together not just that day.

this is exactly what we were thinking of doing but will have problems...as everyone for ours lives local.

and it is about our marriage this is why this is effecting us so much, its 50% about their date, and 50% about the fact this is yet another example of nasty behavior directed at us, causing hurt to us by them in a long line of nasty things they have done!

Leitrim lass wrote: »

On the other hand, I saw the hassle that my two siblings went through trying to organise their weddings and trying to set a date. As you said yourself it took you ages to settle on a date. It's possible that your future BIL and his fiancée had the same hassle.

they only have the church booked. that is it, so i would not say this is the case.

Leitrim lass wrote: »

Don't forget that he may want a lot of the same guests as your brother (aunts, uncles, cousins, people they grew up with together, etc.) and that some of they may be travelling some distance to your wedding. Maybe he is purposely setting a date close to yours as they can make a holiday out of it and get to kill two birds with the one stone(two wedding in the one trip).

everyone attending ours is local,honestly i cannot say the same for the brother he may have friends who need to travel. but for ours everyone lives local.

Leitrim lass wrote: »

Also, and don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you were taking so long to decide on your wedding date that you left them little option for other dates. booking dates for hotels, priests, churches, pre marriage courses can be difficult to coordinate. I saw this first hand with my own siblings weddings. Hotel not available one weekend. Priest having previous engagement on another weekend etc. Your brothers brother has all the same stress as you to organise .

we gave everyone our date long before this had happened, we just want to book the hotel and church on the same day so we'd know we had both so we are/were waiting till January to do so because of the hotel!

Leitrim lass wrote: »

They were possibly pushing to know what date you were getting married so they could arrange a date after that and not before for fear of upsetting you.
Think about it, if your OHs brother really wanted to p"ss you off he would have sneaked in 2 weeks before and not 2 weeks after your date.

you would think that, but no honestly if their wedding was 6 weeks apart i wouldn't mind so much its just with his family participating in both so close together we know its going to negatively impact on our day!

astra2000

Hi op none of the behaviour you have mentioned warrents cutting your inlaws out of your lives so I presume there is more to this than you have said. Ultimatly your bf needs to be the one who decides if cutting contact is the way to go. Why are you not going on honeymoon surely ye can even go for a week or ten days.
I actually forgot this but my oh didnt invite 2 of his brothers to our wedding (he has a large family). This was due to the fact that at an event we held they started a physical fight with other guests:mad:. I think they were so ashamed of their behaviour that they understood our choice to a point, however this behaviour was typical of them at the time and my husband didnt want to risk it. Things are all grand today but to be honest only on a surface level.
I think your bf needs to come to terms with the way his family are, its out of his contro,l he cant change them. If ye do decide to remain in contact with them hold back a little dont tell them your plans, only give them info on a need to know basis. Your bf is probably embarressed that it is his family causing ye problems when your own family sound helpful and considerate, let him know its not his fault, tell him you have made up your mind that ye are going to have a wonderful day and marriage come what may! Concentrate on your new life together and be happy. Remember share no more details of your upcoming marriage unless you want them to be stolen too:rolleyes:. Best of luck

LegacyUser

thank you all for your replies we really appreciate it!! we feel like we are being unreasonable here by feeling so upset about this mess!

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op none of the behaviour you have mentioned warrents cutting your inlaws out of your lives so I presume there is more to this than you have said. Ultimatly your bf needs to be the one who decides if cutting contact is the way to go. Why are you not going on honeymoon surely ye can even go for a week or ten days.

my oh is the one currently making all decisions on this, it is him who has been hurt here and it is his family so the decisions are his to make i have told him i will support him through whatever he decides!

astra2000 wrote: »

I actually forgot this but my oh didnt invite 2 of his brothers to our wedding (he has a large family). This was due to the fact that at an event we held they started a physical fight with other guests:mad:.

they have started a verbal fight with me,my oh and my family, in front of all my family and our friends, at a major event in our lives. and to top it off it was the first time they ever met my family, they didn't even try to make a good impression! (mine went out of their way to be polite only to get re-butted)

astra2000 wrote: »

I think they were so ashamed of their behaviour that they understood our choice to a point, however this behaviour was typical of them at the time and my husband didnt want to risk it.

this is how we feel, it was always a risk that they would kick off at the wedding, we were even at the point of informing the hotel and church not to take any cancellation notice without confirming it with me or my other half in person first. (we genuinely felt them ringing to cancel the venue was a threat)

astra2000 wrote: »

Things are all grand today but to be honest only on a surface level.

thank you astra this perfectly describes the situation and exactly how things stand with us after the last incident!

astra2000 wrote: »

I think your bf needs to come to terms with the way his family are, its out of his control he cant change them. If ye do decide to remain in contact with them hold back a little dont tell them your plans, only give them info on a need to know basis.

this is what we were trying to do, but unfortunately we were foolish and believed his brother and his girlfriend were trying to build bridges and make amends by discussing our plans.

astra2000 wrote: »

Your bf is probably embarressed that it is his family causing ye problems when your own family sound helpful and considerate, let him know its not his fault, tell him you have made up your mind that ye are going to have a wonderful day and marriage come what may! Concentrate on your new life together and be happy. Remember share no more details of your upcoming marriage unless you want them to be stolen too:rolleyes:. Best of luck

that is what i tell him constantly, he is so different from them i really do not understand how he is unfortunate to be stuck with these people for relatives, but he is the kind who wouldn't hurt a fly, and they hurt him constantly! it's not fair!

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies you really are helping us!

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op none of the behaviour you have mentioned warrents cutting your inlaws out of your lives so I presume there is more to this than you have said. Ultimatly your bf needs to be the one who decides if cutting contact is the way to go.

my oh is making all the decisions here i have told him i will support him no matter what he chooses!

there is a history of them causing problems like this,

astra2000 wrote: »

I actually forgot this but my oh didnt invite 2 of his brothers to our wedding (he has a large family). This was due to the fact that at an event we held they started a physical fight with other guests:mad:.

with us they started a verbal fight with me, my oh and my family at a major event for us, also it was their first time meeting my family, and they made no effort to get along and were difficult all day long! my family really made an effort to get to know them only to have it ignored and looked down upon!

astra2000 wrote: »

I think they were so ashamed of their behaviour that they understood our choice to a point, however this behaviour was typical of them at the time and my husband didnt want to risk it.

that is exactly how we feel, this is a risk we are taking having them there, it was bad enough before all this mess, we were even contemplating warning the hotel that his parents may attempt to cancel the venue on us!

astra2000 wrote: »

Things are all grand today but to be honest only on a surface level.

this perfectly describes relations between us after the last major event! myself and my oh make an constant effort but deep down we do not get along on at all.

astra2000 wrote: »

I think your bf needs to come to terms with the way his family are, its out of his control he cant change them. If ye do decide to remain in contact with them hold back a little dont tell them your plans, only give them info on a need to know basis.

to be honest we were thrilled they were finally taking an interest in our wedding we thought they were trying to mend bridges and thats why we discussed ours with them we won't make that mistake again!

astra2000 wrote: »

Your bf is probably embarressed that it is his family causing ye problems when your own family sound helpful and considerate, let him know its not his fault, tell him you have made up your mind that ye are going to have a wonderful day and marriage come what may! Concentrate on your new life together and be happy. Remember share no more details of your upcoming marriage unless you want them to be stolen too:rolleyes:. Best of luck

i have been and will continue to support my other half, he really does not deserve this kind of treatment,

that is why most of our friends and family are in uproar, they know my oh and know he is a nice guy, its very obvious to us that he is being taken advantage of yet again, because according to his family he is the "quiet nice guy who never kicks up a fuss".

its not fair. his brother has always been the older bullying type, but i feel this is one day he should not get his own way on!

Leitrim lass

If I were you I would be going right ahead with your honeymoon plans and if you are not back in time for your BIL's wedding so what. He knows you are getting married on that date and so he shouldn't be put out if you are doing what any other newly wed couple are doing.
Do you really want to be at his wedding anyway?
You would probably be eaten up with resentment standing in that same church 2 weeks later knowing that you should be on your honeymoon.
It's liberating to know that you always have a choice. You don't have to be around family just because they are family. the whole 'blood is thicker than water' line is a load of bullsh*t and is always quoted by people who have no idea just how cruel and hurtful family can be.
I would really recommend the book by Susan forward entitled Toxic parents for your fiancée. It really helped me deal with my toxic parents behaviour.